Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 20, 2014, 09:50:21 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 24010
  • Latest: menghi
Stats
  • Total Posts: 646698
  • Total Topics: 49268
  • Online Today: 276
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Im terrified... NEED HELP.  (Read 27522 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« on: July 29, 2011, 03:15:49 PM »
I have a huge board exam coming up in exactly one month and I need to study 10-12 hours per day with a clear mind. I went to the doctor for a routine blood work but this time he decided on his own to test for HIV without my written consent which i find odd. This was the first time I met this doctor and I didn't like him so I canceled my next appointment with him.


He called me on my phone 7 days later and said "your results are back and you are reactive to HIV 1/2 and confirmed that you have HIV".    

(7/26/11) never forget that date, where I was and the moment frozen in time forever might just freeze my life...



I just remembered slapping myself in the head and being frozen and shocked. He kept on talking and I have no idea what he said. I called him back in an hour and he didn't want to take my call... I couldn't study and I decided to find a local hiv testing centers and go there. They were very supportive and he tested me and said I am preliminary positive and will confirm it by tuesday... So I'm waiting... I also made an appointment in california at University of California UCI for ID doctor on tuesday so in case i am indeed positive then I can get this shit started with. omg... im so scared...



my lymph nodes are swollen but nontender and I have no other symptoms. I was gaining weight because of studying but now i'm losing because I'm depressed, anxious and can't eat!! I was such a healthy and active person... now i just want to die but just not from HIV. .



I'm terrified... I'm scared... I can't study... If I failed my exam I'm done with life... I feel so bad for my family... i let them down... i really let them down... I'm so focused on my studies that I never even went out to party or drink or anything... all it takes is one infected person to not know about their status and for my idiot behaviour to give in on  allowing sex without condoms. oh how i wish i could turn back time...


I come on here to find some relief but I can't be on here... i need to be studying... I wish that I didn't know until after my exam but then again knowing earlier is better...


I'm 29 and I never thought this would be my fate... what happens to romance... what happens to my future... will I be able to be a doctor even if I do well on my exams...??? am i allowed to be a doctor??


I'm Canadian but right now im in the US and have insurance in the US through Blue Cross. Am I covered for meds like Atripla? Are they going to increase my premium because of this now? please help me... let me know...



I just wish I could talk to someone... I can't tell anyone!!!  :'( :'(
« Last Edit: July 29, 2011, 07:24:03 PM by scared2b »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified...
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2011, 04:28:24 PM »
Hi scared2b, nothing you are feeling or talking about is anything unusual for someone who has just tested positive.

First thing, you need to wait for your Western blot test result. You can only be sure that you are positive once you get those results.

In the event you do get a confirmatory positive test result, I can assure you that while it can get challenging in the beginning, despite all of your fears and concerns, your life is going to go on and life will still be good. :)

I am 28 years old and was diagnosed 6 months ago. I understand how big a shock this is but please take a deep breath and relax and take each step slowly. It does take time to adjust to this news but like many many others you will.

Hang in there and welcome to the forums- the support here is great and people will answer any questions/concerns you may have.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2011, 09:23:11 PM »
thanks for ur kind words...

I just want to be able to talk to someone who is positive. i just want to talk to someone... i'm feeling trapped in my own body. I dont know what to do...

im really really lost... and feeling alone.

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Have Questions...
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2011, 11:11:30 PM »
I'm feeling exhausted from being sad...  I read a lot of the comments on this site and then read some news online regarding hiv advances and now i'm just don't even know what to think anymore... going back to study and doing practice questions for my medical licensing exam is so difficult as every hiv related question comes up and i respond, i get a chill down my spine... that patient could be me...


Monday I'm going to an ID doctor for the first time after my test came positive. On tuesday my confirmatory test will come as well. so these are some difficult days of my life right now... days that you all have been through...


Can you guys please help me answer these questions....


1. I recently as a couple of months ago bought insurance with Blue Cross PPO. Now that I may need drugs and more treatment will my insurance premium increase?

2. I assume that Atripla is covered by insurance but how much is the copay?

3. Does anyone know anything about insurance companies and if they will send any letters to home talking about these drugs and hiv and anything like that. because if my family opens the letter and find out they will be devastated. I dont want them to find out. WHAT CAN I DO??



Offline mikeyb39

  • Member
  • Posts: 946
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2011, 11:43:47 PM »
I know its difficult, but try not to look things up on the internet/google concerning HIV, you will get a lot of uninformed information.  Stick to websites like this one for you're information and also your doctor of course.

As far as Atripla its covered by my insurance and my co-pay is 50.00 for a 3 month supply and that is covered by the Atripla prescription card, so it doesn't cost me anything.  Honestly it depends on the type of insurance plan you have.

Are you on you're parents insurance? I really don't know how that works but when i go to the doctor my insurance company sends me an email of test that were run and the costs etc and what they paid.  I don't have anyone on my insurance but me so not certain how that works with family plans.

in the meantime, please try and relax as much as you can, there isn't much you can do about it at this point.  I promise it will get better even-though you don't think it will at the moment.  There is a lot of support on here and local services that also offer counseling if you need.

If you do find out you are positive, please shop around for a doctor that you are comfortable with and can be open with as far as communication. 

you will be fine!!   now get back to the books!!  lol

mike
11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD
09/05/2014  cd4-850 , VL-UD

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2011, 02:04:50 AM »
You seem to be in a panic mode right now, which by the way, is perfectly normal and understandable. (I was exactly in your shoes 6 months ago).

Please try and relax and realise that YOU WILL BE OK.

I don't live in the US, but just wanted to add that you should chill a bit on the questions you have regarding medication/insurance. In time, everything will unfold and become clear :). And since you're a medical student, you probably already know that you could go without treatment for a long time- especially since, from what you say, yours appears to be a recent infection (?).


Hang in there !!
« Last Edit: July 30, 2011, 02:30:01 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,191
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2011, 03:40:38 AM »
No one can tell you whether or not your insurance will or will not cover Atripla and what your out of pocket costs will be.  All policy's are different an have different levels of coverage.  You will have to check your specific coverage.

If you are on someone elses policy (your parents, spouse, partner) then that person who is primary on the policy will receive information about your care.  My partner is on my policy and I receive an "explanation of benefits" that lists every test,lab test, doctor, procedure received and what coverage the insurance pays for both me and my partner.

Your HIV status shouldnt affect becoming a physician.  There are other HIV positive physicians. 

The previous poster is correct, you seem to be in panic mode.  Try and relax, its not the end of the world.
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline dewrites

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2011, 04:47:18 AM »

You need to take one step at a time

Try exercising, play your favorite computer games to take your mind off.

It really helps if you can talk to a close friend /sibling.

Start prioritize by taking notes on what you like to do or find out on a piece of paper or laptop;
- If it is more important to attend to your study /exam
- Look for a reliable ID doctor (I suggest you source a doctor with at least few years of experience)
- Fine out your insurance plan /coverage
- Write down your questions for your ID doctor so you wont miss out on any of them during your appointment
- try to cut down and eventually quit drinking or smoking if you do
- So on and so fore

Last but not least, you have the doctor who went ahead with the test without your consent to thank for.

Look at the bright side scared2b and cheer up OK? :)

dewrites
Sept 11 CD 1043 UD TSH 0.4 Lamivudine/ Tenofovir/ Atazanavir/ Ritonavir
Jan 11 CD 800+ UD Lamivudine/ Tenofovir/ Atazanavir/ Ritonavir
July 10 CD 453 VL <40 Lamivudine/ Tenofovir/ Atazanavir/ Ritonavir
Oct 09 Switch of ID Doctor. Started Lamivudine/ Tenofovir/ Atazanavir/ Ritonavir
Aug 09 Stop medication due to Swollen eyes, face and adverse photosensitive skin to UV.
Sept 08 Started Lamivudine/ Tenofovir/ Efavirenz/ Keletra & Pentamidine Puff
May 08 Warded for Adverse Skin Rash over my body due to Bactrim & Prednisolone
Apr 08 CD 47 Diagnosed with HIV
Apr 08 Down with PCP. (Found out it was adverse Oral Trust infection in 2003 and not Tonsillitis!) Started Bactrim & Prednisolone
July 03 Bad infection of mouth Ulcers(removal of Tonsils) Was in great pain! E.N.T diagnosed as Tonsil

Offline carousel

  • Member
  • Posts: 821
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2011, 05:34:17 AM »
I was half way through my Masters degree when I was diagnosed seven and half years ago.

My biggest regret is that I was not able to pull it back together and continue to study.  I had to drop off the course.

In that time I have been ill a few times, but only minor things and probably no more than I was before.  Certainly nothing life threatening.

It might seem that things have fallen apart, but my advice would be to concentrate on your studies.  Do as much work as you can, taking regular breaks. 


Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2011, 09:19:30 AM »
all your advices are awesome. thanks you guys.

last night I was so brave. i was able to not think about it and put on a brave face and go out to dinner with family. came home and slept like a baby. during the night had nightmares and I just woke up at 5am and it hit me in the stomach that shit what the reality is.

I have no time to spare and I have to study that is one of biggest fears right now. I don't want to fail my exam. that is why I wish that I didn't know until after this exam.


The insurance is under my name only. But I didn't know if they will send any information to my address regarding my care in case someone opens the envelope. I wanted to know if there was a way of going paperless or something like that. but I guess I have to call them and find out if I can do something about that. Or I should just change my address at the post office to bring my mail somewhere else. the thought of my family finding out about this is terrifying. I do not want to bring more tears to them.


I'm  scared but you guys are awesome. please don't leave me alone...

Offline Cojo

  • Member
  • Posts: 201
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2011, 09:44:22 AM »
Hey scared2b,

You are exactly where I was two months ago. When I tested positive in May, I did not see it coming and lived on adrenalin and panic for the first month. The folks on here said "it gets better", and it DOES! I know it seems completely overwhelming now, but soon as panic changes to clear thinking, you will realize that all will be well. Medicine has really kicked this virus on its butt. Look at the labs that people post; the changes are dramatic in crushing out the viral load to undetectable and thus, the CD4 rises. Most folks on here have a "normal" immune system.
I have found that meeting two positive mentors has been really helpful. One guy has lived with HIV for 12 years - he has never been sick, always been on the same meds with no side effects and is undetectable. The other guy has been poz for 28 (yes 28) years and is living a fantastic life, fully alive and fully healthy. He has changed meds a few times, but that was in the early days.
I had to make a rule for myself about surfing the web. First, only one hour a day. Second, just this site, TheBody, HIVINSITE and poziam. My therapist provided the good insight that obsessive surfing the web is like a drug, it numbs us and makes us believe that we are doing something to help when we feel helpless.
Good for you for going out for dinner. I know how tough that can be. You feel like a foreigner in your own body, like you are no longer you...but you are, 100% you and all the goodness that you always were/are. I felt like people were looking at me and could see HIV written all over me; of course they can't and its all in my head.
For me, the mornings were the worst...they still can be a struggle. I found that when i was asleep, I could escape it all and then within minutes of waking it would all rush in like a tidal wave and I would panic with a million what if questions. My only advice would be to try to get up and moving asap and label whats going on as what it is - its just anxiety, and anxiety can't harm you.
You mention you are in Canada. I am in Toronto and feel free to PM me if you are here as well and I can share some local resources.
In the meantime, BREATHE, remember that millions have journeyed this road before us and live healthy and happy, full lives and that modern medicine has done literally, miracles.
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD
May 2014 CD4 360 33% UD
Aug 2014 swap out Isentress for Tivicay
Oct 2014 CD4 320 33% UD

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2011, 10:40:03 AM »
I feel EXACTLY what you have described. i mean word by word. i feel that I'm beginning to accept it even though it is so unfair but you are right mornings are THE WORST. As it becomes bed time I am joyful to go to bed and hope that whatever was happening was just a bad dream but in the morning I know I have to face this for the rest of the day... for the rest of my life...

I am from Toronto but right now I came to the US for a month to study for my exam. I'll be back Sept 1. 

The only good thing is that I bought insurance in the US because I got back and forth a lot. and so I'm going to see an ID doctor on Monday and a counselor on tuesday.

Can you explain to me how it works in Toronto? With respect to meds and all? are you on your own to pay for your meds? I'm scared.

Offline Cojo

  • Member
  • Posts: 201
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2011, 10:50:35 AM »
I am so glad we connected! My first thought is that you don't need to give meds a second thought now; if you are back in Toronto Sept 1, you have TONS of time on your side. First labs were CD4 330 VL 182,000 and my Dr does not want to even see me till the fall for next labs.
In Ontario, your drugs, at worst case scenario are fully paid for by the Trillium fund - God bless socialized medicine!! (To my USA friends, that's not a cheap shot lol). If you have private insurance, it gets billed first, if not, you are 100% covered...so relax on that one.
When you get back here, I can connect you with awesome folks at ACT (AIDS Committee of Toronto) who are the most inspiring, pleasant and helpful folks I have met.
Hang in there my friend, all shall be well (at least better for now)
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD
May 2014 CD4 360 33% UD
Aug 2014 swap out Isentress for Tivicay
Oct 2014 CD4 320 33% UD

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2011, 01:36:27 PM »
I don't understand why you're already thinking about insurances policies and co., as you (don't seem) to have your CD4 count yet, and probably don't even need to think about treatment already. One thing tho: if the insurance company you subscribed to only have one of your address, then you will receive everything they need to send you to that same address. If it's your parent's address, well these things are private with your name on it, and I don't see why someone else would want to open such letters. It's not like they will send you ARVs publicity anyway, right?

You need to both calm yourself, base your status on reliable information (such as found on this website, or from a valuable doctor), and focus on other things as you would have been doing anyway (which seems to be studying, at this time of the year). Because, really, this news, tho it is shaking, shouldn't affect your life's plan at all. It will be better for you to put your energy into what you were already doing before learning your status. It will be fine, you're not terminally ill or anything, and the stress will fade soon. Hang on. =)

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2011, 02:08:09 PM »
breath and relax. Slowly but surely you'll manage it all.

-Get your WB test result.
-Meet your ID doc and get you CD4 and VL tests done
-Study and concentrate on your exam
-You can always leave the worrying for another day. In any case worrying is the most 'useless' emotion. (i know it is easier said, I'm a chronic worrier by birth- but I say this from experience  ;))
-Try and do things that you enjoy to take your mind of it- at least in the very short term you have your studies to keep you busy.

Hang in there.

Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2011, 02:20:29 PM »
Hi Scared, welcome to the forums.



doing practice questions for my medical licensing exam is so difficult as every hiv related question comes up and i respond, i get a chill down my spine... that patient could be me...


Well, with ANY health-related question (aside from those that pertain only to the opposite biological sex), that patient could be you. We never know what's down the road for us regardless of our hiv status.

I'm assuming that you are being asked various questions pertaining to OIs (Opportunistic Infections) and there is no reason for you to believe any of that is going to ever happen to you. Now that you know your hiv status, you can start meds long before any of that would be a problem. So relax!

As others have said, it does get better. You may not believe us right now, but it really does.



Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,024
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2011, 02:46:13 PM »
I have a huge board exam coming up in exactly one month and I need to study 10-12 hours per day with a clear mind.

Well it sucks getting diagnosed thats for sure.  And its never a good time but as you put the timing right at the top of the post, let's look at the options, in a second.

First, you have been totally confirmed HIV+?  Make sure you get an ID appt and get confirmed its not clear what you reported from that phone conversation.

OK assuming you are HIV+.

Its a completely manageable disease.  Everything will be worked out medically and expense wise, in due time.   You arent dying now. You are not going to die. You have normal life span to look forward to.  If you could see a good ID in the next week or two, he/she would tell you this.  

You can survey some other members here and you should get the same info.

So if that is enough assurance for you, for the moment, then its time to study for that board exam.  You'll need whatever certificate or credential you are getting because you'll need your career and life goes on, baby.   Do you think you can concentrate to study, therefore??  

HIV all takes time to work out.  The meds. The expense. The shock of the diagnosis. Dating, love.  ALL THAT takes time time time time and actually you have something more pressing to do....  

We are assuming you dont want to postpone or cancel the exam.  Or cannot...


“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2011, 03:22:54 PM »
I was already really stressed out for my exam and now this doctor called and gave me this news 7 days ago and it just wasn't necessary. I was about to get tested afterwards anyway. you know... unfortunately i cant move the exam because I start my in hospital training right after for my final year before being a damn doctor that I dont even care to be anymore...

The amazing thing is that just after a week I'm already beginning to be able to breath for longer than 10 minutes. I was a wreck to say the least. but then it hits me again... wtf... i was just getting fully comfortable about being gay and imagining a life in the future... and now another layer to deal with... omg...

I haven't done anything other than waiting for my appointment to see if i'm actually poz. i only had one test which the doctor told me on the phone and then i went to this free hiv clinic and asked this sweet guy and he tested me preliminary positive but on tuesday we'll meet for a confirmation of it... hope hope hope....

then i have to get my cd4 and vL counts and so on... even if I found my numbers today I wouldn't be able to go on the meds before my exam anyway. I can't deal with any side effects or changes before that so I guess I have to wait.. .wait... wait...

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2011, 03:38:04 PM »
I start my in hospital training right after for my final year before being a damn doctor that I dont even care to be anymore...


You have ALL THE MORE REASON to be a doctor, and I think you will realise that soon enough.

A poz diagnosis sucks- no denying that. But like I said, millions have gone through this and you will too. If it’s even of the mildest comfort for you to know- I too am gay and was diagnosed just poz just 6 months ago at the age of 28. My family didn’t even know that I was gay!  And my story and yours, is all fairly common on this site.

From what you describe I was in a far worse state than you in those initial days.

Believe me, you will look back and feel proud of yourself for getting through this period!

Right now, please calm down and wait for your WB results.

It gets better.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2011, 03:52:55 PM »
i love u guys... u don't even know me and you all care enough to say things to calm me down.. that is incredible... <3

I'm 29 and no matter how good looking i am and how many guys wanted to be with me but now i dont think anyone wants to even look at me... there is this constant voice in my head that says "HIV..." like all the time...

deep breaths are soothing.... sigh...

lets keep on talking to each other... plz don't leave me...

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2011, 04:52:39 PM »
I feel uneasy, because you didn't have a confirmation test yet, right?

You have had some results by some doctor you don't like, and over the phone. I didn't know doctors would give out results like this over the phone, but maybe it's different in the States/California?

So maybe you should really just focus on your exam now and wait for your confirmation test?

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2011, 05:23:02 PM »
Yea doctors shouldn't do that on the phone but the thing is that because I didn't like him, I canceled my follow up apt with him. So he called me 7 days later and told me over the phone :S

I was scared so I went to a local free HIV testing clinic and did a rapid test which came up preliminary positive. The guy told me that he will send in another oral sample for a confirmatory test. I'm waiting for that result right now...

My concentration has come back somewhat and it seems that I'm better able to study but it is a cloud over my head right now won't let me focus as well as I should.

You guys are helping me out A LOT. thank you for being so supportive... My nature has always been to think far ahead and to plan things out but now I decided no to think that far ahead and focus on what is rather than what could be... IT IS SO HARD though... without you guys it would be impossible...



Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,191
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2011, 06:21:58 AM »
Scared, its great that your getting support from this forum but some of your positing are well.... Kind of concerning.  Don't take this the wrong way but have you sought out some counselling to talk about this?  Become HIV positive is pretty major and talking with someone in person is (in my opinion)needed. 

Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2011, 06:47:54 AM »
I agree with Bug. Don't hesitate in ringing the Aids Service helpline and speaking to a counsellor or someone. It will definitely help you make sense of things.

And no one here is going anywhere.

« Last Edit: July 31, 2011, 06:57:17 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2011, 09:11:37 AM »
hey guys.

i did call a helpline a week ago. she was really nice. i cried on the phone. i have an appt for tuesday to find out my confirmatory results and at the same time i am meeting with a case manager or whatever...

I'm telling you, the worst is the mornings when I wake up and the reality hits me... i was usually a morning person. I loved getting up early and start studying but now i go back and hide in my blankets...

i just woke up and i'm scared already... this is A LOT to take in... I'm still shocked every morning... does this go away?

I have to somehow shut down my brain within the next few minutes to be able to get back and study...

Offline Maelrod

  • Member
  • Posts: 60
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2011, 09:44:12 AM »
Sorry to hear what you happen.  But maybe help to know that all of us been inthe same position. Something quick a year ago happen to me too and any time I open my eyes was wishing to wake up of that nightmare but just the days and months and years make you to asimilate the poz status nothing else... I'm doing great now trying my best and if we did you can done well. 
Is better STOp living in the past, the I SHOULDn't doesn't exist.

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #26 on: July 31, 2011, 10:12:29 AM »
hey guys, i was just studying but then i panicked again... suddenly it hits me in the stomach... wtf...

the worst is that I feel like i'm trapped in my body...


thank you all for being around. for sticking around... Writing here makes it somewhat better... at least I can go back and read a few pages before I panic again and have to come running for a hug.

xoxo

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,975
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #27 on: July 31, 2011, 12:29:09 PM »
scared -
when one is either first diagnosed or waiting for the confirmation results, a host of emotions are  bound to occur.

As others have pointed out, things do get better -

For me, I try to view my experiences as "learning experiences" and turn the negative experiences  into positive ones by trying to see how I will be able to use them in a positive way in the future.  Many of the emotions you are feeling will hellp you to be a better doctor in the future --- in addition to having your medical schooling, these experiences will help you to better relate to many of the feelings, thoughts and emotions your future patients are going through --- which is something that medical school can't really teach you.  So, when you start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions, maybe think of them as a mechanism that is going to help you to be an even better medical professional --- this may help in "capping" them somewhat and frame them in a more positive reference rather than having them only exist in an adverse way....

Believe me when I say that many of us have been exactly where you are ---- but, your posts on here give me a strong confidence that you will be alright and will overcome the fear.  Then, you will also be able to relate to and assist other members down the line when they go through the same thing either being newly diagnosed or waiting for confirmation of a their initial results.

I look forward to hearing more from you.  Keep on keepin' on -- it does get better.

-Phil
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #28 on: July 31, 2011, 01:17:35 PM »
scared, this is part of a post you made in someone else's thread. I didn't want to hijack their thread, so I'm posting it here...

I'm scared of my tears when I cry! i dont want my tears or anything else get my family sick too


I'm amazed that a fourth-year med student would think that tears are an infectious fluid. They are NOT! Neither are other fluids like urine, saliva and sweat. It sounds like you need to read the Transmission Lesson found elsewhere on this website. You're working yourself up into a frenzy for no good reason.

Unless you're having unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with your family members (or anyone else, for that matter) you are not going to infect anyone.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #29 on: July 31, 2011, 02:03:20 PM »
Ann i know all of that... what i'm saying is that I "Feel" that way...  I wish I could change my perception about myself but it may take time... I'm even think if they use my pen its dangerous thats how ridiculous I feel right now. I feel dirty that's why  :'(

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #30 on: July 31, 2011, 02:43:24 PM »
. I feel dirty that's why  :'(

You are not dirty. You just have an infection. You'll be ok my friend.

Edited to add:- We really do understand how difficult this is for you and while it is only natural for you to be bursting with feeling and emotion at the moment, the tone of some of your posts suggest you're driving yourself into a frenzy (which is not warranted). Is there someone you could talk to ?? Can you ring a HIV 24 hour helpline and just talk. It will definitely help you simmer down. :).

Believe us, it does get better. Everything will makes sense once the fog lifts.


PS- You are the same guy you, so you will always be good looking.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2011, 03:29:20 PM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #31 on: July 31, 2011, 03:07:18 PM »
What about all of thoese human beings you'll have to work with later on? Will you consider them dirty because they'll be ill while you'll be working with them as a doctor with his patients? You need to stop this and seek help in the real world, if you're feeling that terrible about what is happening to you. And soon, you will be at peace, don't worry. There will be days when you'll not even think about HIV because you'll be too busy doing other things, like any other normal person. :)

Work on your exam if possible, do something else (book? movie? go to the park? do puzzles?...) while waiting for your confirmation test/WB test.

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #32 on: July 31, 2011, 03:43:44 PM »
hey guys. i did call the help line when i found out on that day otherwise I would have done something i would regret. it was ok she was helpful.

but right now as the day goes on there is this neon sign in front of me that flashes HIV HIV HIV HIV you guys must know what I'm talking about...

I'm scared that no one will want to be with me or even date me despite looks and all...

ok back to studying.. i will be back to read ur advices... u guys calm me down... xoxo

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #33 on: July 31, 2011, 03:55:44 PM »
I thought I had HIV stuck on my forehead for many many days. It subsides...give it time.

Right now get back to those meds books.! 

Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #34 on: July 31, 2011, 10:45:01 PM »
hey, miss u guys... i just want to cry... am I allowed?  :'(   it keeps on coming down on its own.... you know life's not a rehearsal, i only get this once to live and i blew it...

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #35 on: August 01, 2011, 02:03:02 AM »
i only get this once to live and i blew it...
you didn't blow anything. ;) You've still got your life ahead of you; only now you'll have to take meds to keep this disease in check. And by the way, as you age going forward into the future, you'll probably have to take even more pills to keep other diseases and illnesses in check. that's just the way it happens to nearly everyone.  ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #36 on: August 01, 2011, 10:16:22 AM »
mornings are the worst... i struggle to wanting to wake up... i work at it all day but it renews in the morning...

i'm having dreams at night which are all related to this monster inside of me...

i'm still shocked... i wish i could reach inside and get it out...



Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #37 on: August 01, 2011, 01:26:13 PM »
update:   

right now i smiled for the first time... but it lasted a few seconds before i realized again... at least i smiled...
I canceled my ID apt which was for today since tomorrow I'll meet with the hiv clinic guys and i'll know for sure...

i'm hoping for the best and prepared for the worst... there isn't much i can do at this point... u guys have been incredible from the start... i dont know what I would have done without you all...

Thank u.


Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #38 on: August 01, 2011, 01:48:57 PM »
Your smiles will become more frequent.....and there will be a day, not too far away, when you wont even think about the virus....just wait and see.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline optimize

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #39 on: August 01, 2011, 06:33:22 PM »
Hey Scared2b..  I can relate.  I was just diagnosed 2 months ago.   I'm still in shock because I never have unprotected sex except for this one time (as a top).   It does get better as you learn to accept and to appreciate the fact that we can live a full and healthy life.  I've always been very healthy (physically, mentally, and spiritually) which helps.  Yah it sucks, and there are major challenges but We are lucky that the treatments are so much better these days and getting even better.   Anyway, I'm in my mid 30,  a self employed doctor so I can really relate to you.  What part of Cali are you in ? I"m in socal so if you want to talk anytime, please let me know.  It would probably be good for both of us.   :)

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #40 on: August 01, 2011, 09:06:25 PM »
just as soon I begin to accept the new reality it then hits me again... and i get shocked... when i look at myself in the mirror i just can't believe that it might be true...

What hurts me the most is that this was so preventable... its like drinking and driving or not wearing a seatbelt...

It's reassuring to hear from you guys. ur all very kind to care enough to post for me...

xoxo

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,024
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #41 on: August 02, 2011, 10:03:13 AM »
Some keys to living well with HIV include
- developing some cool or calm, a distance or a relativity, when fears and emotions about disease are distracting
- reference to science and medicine
- leaning from common experience with HIV to inform and overcome fears in one's individual exp

It sucks that you got HIV but I think some of the intellectual and character traits you will develop to live well will also help you be a good doctor.  For the moment you are far too emotional and irrational and inward looking.

You are young and have a great future ahead of you. Don't forget to count your blessings and breathe!
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 10:04:52 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #42 on: August 02, 2011, 10:06:56 AM »
For the moment you are far too emotional and irrational and inward looking.

Which is completely normal and expected for any 29 year old waiting for his confirmatory test results!  However, this feeling will pass. :)
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 10:11:09 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #43 on: August 02, 2011, 10:14:53 AM »
hey guys... yea I have an apt in 4 hours... The first thing I do now each morning instead of what I used to do before is to come on here and check what you guys say... and today I woke up at 5 and no one wrote anything and i was nervous and now i'm glad u guys are back again and writing... makes it so much easier...

it has been exactly one week since the phone conversation and it looks like i'm feeling a bit better... today i woke up with my first morning erection which I haven't had any for a week.. but i didn't do anything still... i'm very upset at myself... i'm not blaming anyone else but myself and even though I know it will get better I just wish that I could turn back time...

i have to get some studying done before i go to the clinic because i have no idea how im gonna feel after... I'm scared for my exam too because I have to do well  so whatever happens today happens and i have to wait until after my exam to deal with it... what do u guys think? 


i love u all for being there for me...


Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #44 on: August 02, 2011, 11:27:03 AM »
so whatever happens today happens and i have to wait until after my exam to deal with it... what do u guys think? 


You can certainly put hiv on the back-burner until after your exams. You're not going to suddenly get sick or anything like that. Take it one day - or even one hour - at a time. You really ARE going to be ok!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #45 on: August 02, 2011, 12:17:41 PM »
what do u guys think? 
Study hard and do well on those exams.

There are plenty of members here who have been not only positive but living with an AIDS diagnosis for 20 to 30 yrs - so I expect you to do the same. Not I'm not trying to minimize the seriousness of having HIV because it's a very serious problem; but as I mentioned before, there are treatments today (and treatments that are thousands of times better than the stuff they used to give us in the early 90s) that practically insure that you'll continue living a "normal" lifespan.

And that means that you're going to need to do well on those exams so you end up with a degree and can get a decent paying job. Try to let go of some of your worrying about the HIV, because you're already being pro-active by getting tested and being in touch with a doctor. Getting the proper healthcare is essential to making sure you survive with HIV.

Good luck on the exams!  ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #46 on: August 02, 2011, 07:05:54 PM »
Hey friends...

I just got home from the clinic and i'm confirmed positive.

It is so hard to say this but here I am real in flesh and in real life and i'm positive... One week of denial has past too...

I'm still not sure if I got it through sex or through my 12 weeks in trauma surgery with blood everywhere... I guess at this point it doesn't matter... I will try my very best to become a compassionate doctor...

The irony of it is that this virus was discovered the year I was born and my first ID appointment will be exactly on my birthday to meet it... My excitement was that when I become 30 I will get my M.D. but I got my HIV before my MD.

FML.

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #47 on: August 02, 2011, 08:04:47 PM »
If you do start meds and there is a co-pay there are co-pay assistance programs from the pharmaceutical companies that cover most co-pays.

You might not have to start meds yet but if you do, they are for the most part very tolerable. You'll be fine.

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #48 on: August 03, 2011, 10:17:34 AM »
Hope you're ok and not letting you mind run a million miles per second.

 Do realise with today's meds your life is likely to be just as long...and meds only get better  :).

You have all the more reason to be a good doctor and make a difference.

http://i-base.info/qa/543
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #49 on: August 03, 2011, 10:28:12 AM »
i just wanted to thank all of you angels for being so sweet and supportive for this worst week of my life... I'm surprised at myself and how I was able to pull it off...

some of you have been so supportive and nice and amazing that truly touched my heart... Thank you for caring and being there for me when I needed a kind soul.


When I went to the hiv support center yesterday they were really supportive again... she told me that I even have a lawsuit against the doctor who tested me for hiv without my consent and then told your result over the phone and then didn't want to talk to you when you called him back... And trust me I would like so much to sue him but how and in the mood that I am... He really shouldn't have done those things...

I always test myself annually and donated blood regularly, so this infection has to have been only a few months old and so the lady there called one of the nurses that she knew who works with a great doctor and made an appointment for me and so I'm just waiting for that to happen...to see the doctor and go from there...

tough life ahead... tough... i guess i have to be stronger now...

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #50 on: August 03, 2011, 11:07:36 AM »
When I went to the hiv support center yesterday they were really supportive again... she told me that I even have a lawsuit against the doctor who tested me for hiv without my consent and then told your result over the phone and then didn't want to talk to you when you called him back... And trust me I would like so much to sue him but how and in the mood that I am... He really shouldn't have done those things...

Well what your doc did was awful. Testing without consent is wrong- period. However, suing him etc is going to serve no purpose in my opinion. Better to concentrate on yourself and get on with your life, starting with doing well on your exam.

Edited to add- You could go to his clinic and yell at him though!  ;D. I would do that.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 11:23:58 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #51 on: August 03, 2011, 10:35:44 PM »
Still can't believe that this is happening... i feel so bad for my little T4 cells... poor things :(

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #52 on: August 04, 2011, 02:18:14 PM »
hey friends... where have u all been?

my ID apt is in two weeks but I asked them to order my labs so i can go give my blood for them so that we got results to talk about on the visit... so today I went and gave my blood... it was the first time i was meeting my blood after my status... it was a bad feeling... i'm used to donating blood regularly and now looking at it all infected and prob mad at me too...

There were many tests that the doc ordered including all the hep viruses and tb and toxoplasmosis and so on as well as a HIV1 western blot. My last result was from oral mucosa. he ordered some other tests for the virus itself which I wasn't able to read off the paper properly...

Given that I'm a healthcare worker i've been vaccinated for hepB and TB. My last two step PPD test which was only a month ago was negative my last chest xray from a year ago was negative.

waiting for the results... i'm still in shock from all these that is happening... i hope u guys keep talking to me because I have this constant tears in the back of my eyes and my throat feels really heavy that I feel like crying every moment... hard to believe what the human mind is capable of going through... i just hope at least i do well on my exam despite this incredible ordeal...

Offline New Poz Guy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #53 on: August 04, 2011, 03:39:41 PM »
Hi scared,
I'm right behind you with this whole process. I was diagnosed 7/27 (thought is was 7/28 originally but I got the date wrong. It's been one week).
I went back to where I was diagnosed and I think I'm going to keep my treatment there. I liked the PA who I saw and will be working with. I gave them all the blood samples as well and we will meet next Fri., 8/12 to discuss results.
I share your same fears, frustrations, anxiety, and a whole bunch more specific to my situation.
I felt better after my intake and tests this past Tuesday, but I'm slipping back into a depressed state.
Thanks goodness for my job which occupies my time during the day and has been a great distraction but evenings and mornings are tough right now.
Still so many things to process...
We ARE fortunate to have the experience, strength, and hope from others on here who have been down this path a lot longer than we have.
Just know I'm right there with you with the variety of emotions this whole ordeal has caused.
Good luck on your exams and I truly believe we are BOTH going to pull through this...somehow.
I need to hold on to that thought dearly right now...
NPG
Diagnosed 7/27/11
Labs taken 8/2/11
Results 8/12/11 - CD4 428 18.6% VL - 96,939
Began Atripla 8/13/11
Labs taken 9/8/11
Results 9/13/11 - CD4 629 24.2% VL - 930 !!

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #54 on: August 04, 2011, 05:13:17 PM »
yea i was doing ok for a couple of days as I chose to deny it in my head i guess but now i'm really depressed... I'm going through all the stages of bereavement. I just have to pull through because there is no way i'm going to let this upset my family... i can't see them get upset at all... I have to do this on my own...

I can't say nice to see you here i wish i never met you at least not here or in this situation but it is nice to talk to you... we are in the same shoes... its horrible... I wanna be a doctor but i hate to be a patient... I care about the patients a lot when I talk to them but when I'm a patient I feel like no one cares... it's tough... it really is...

I'm still shocked that this is happening to me... I'm going through with the process of labs and this and that but I'm shocked that it cannot be... I'm so ashamed and disgusted of myself... 

Offline optimize

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #55 on: August 05, 2011, 03:00:51 AM »
Hey, I got your message.  I cant seem to respond to it through this site.  Is there any other way that I can reach you?  send me your email through a message.  thx

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #56 on: August 05, 2011, 08:24:59 AM »
Hey, I got your message.  I cant seem to respond to it through this site.  Is there any other way that I can reach you?  send me your email through a message.  thx

The PM feature activates after 3 postings so you should be able to PM now.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 421
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #57 on: August 07, 2011, 02:21:29 PM »
Hi Scare2b,

Welcome to the forum. Though you came here before me, I guess welcome is always welcome. I have read your thread and thought that I wanted to chip in but I got caught with my issues and dilemma that I forgot to write it here. As I have mentioned that you will get through this I meant " YOU WILL". I am not sure coming that from me is assuring as I am still dealing with this myself almost 7 years but I know the initial trauma will start to heal soon. The fact is no matter what you do, HIV status is not going to change. I will strongly suggest you while you are looking for medical help please also consider some counseling help. It helped me a lot. I remember I used to feel ‘ the shame and guilt’ and felt that I let my family down. I still do feel that somewhat and still trying to come into terms with my status and I hope and I know you will do lot better than me like lots of other people around here. I am kind of reluctant to give you my counsel (and there are some good reasons for that). All I wanted to say is that “ the initial trauma” will go away soon as I have experienced that in my situation. The way you are feeling is very normal. You are feeling ‘ the sense of loss’. I remember when I first heard my HIV result, I immediately thought life is going to be different for forever and it is. I would be lying if I said to you that it’s the same as it was before especially when it comes to dating. We are more restricted to that regard. I went to a recent gay HIV positive gathering in NYC and I have seen lots people there are so comfortable with their status as it seemed that they are making the most of it with the given situation and it made me see things differently and sure there are lots of cute positive guys out there as well :). I wish you the best with your exam and I know you will finish it well. Keep us posted on that otherwise you know we will be on your A..:)
« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 02:24:25 PM by Since2005 »

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #58 on: August 07, 2011, 06:23:20 PM »
so S2B, did you take this exam(s)? How'd it go?? Inquiring minds want to know.

hugs!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #59 on: August 07, 2011, 06:27:32 PM »
ID apt in is a week... exam is in 3 weeks...  :'(

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #60 on: August 12, 2011, 07:47:19 AM »
How you doing Scared2b?
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline joe327

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #61 on: August 13, 2011, 11:49:45 AM »
I just found out for sure (2nd opinion) a couple of days ago that I was poz.  I got the first bit of news about 2 weeks ago.  I was freaking out at first but seem to have gotten over it pretty quick.  But at 56, half the people my age are taking meds for blood pressure, diabetes (which is worse than hiv nowadays), etc, etc.  But people in their 20's are dealing with health issues as well so all things considered, I'm a pretty lucky guy cuz even with the poz, I can be years away from even having to take meds (of any kind for any chronic illness) as indicated by t-cells and viral load.  As far as dating is concerned, I searched out only poz guys (I'm gay) and it seems they are more attractive than the general population as most of them take pretty good care of themselves.  A whole now realm of possibilities has opened up (I used to date just neg guys).  So it's not the end of the world in that respect either.

I think it's important to get healthy (but that's important whether you're poz or neg), so just start with "baby steps" and see where it leads.  Just start by taking short walks or something then gradually raise the bar.  That's what I'm doing.  I'm pretty healthy anyway, but am starting back to the gym and cutting back on alchohol and tobacco.  I'm buying some nicoderm today as a matter of fact.  It could be a blessing in disguise if you do all that, get good habits then a cure is found a year to 2 from now (esp. with stem cell research underway).  You'll be ahead of the game no matter what.  Good luck.

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #62 on: August 13, 2011, 12:01:41 PM »
Hi Joe, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. But Welcome to the forums. It seems that you're coping quite well.

Ps- I think the mods might move this to a new thread relating to you.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #63 on: August 16, 2011, 05:22:15 PM »
My ID apt is tomorrow. I dont care anymore about what happens... secretly i do... days go by and I fluctuate between normal living and suddenly bursting into tears... crying is such a relieve... mornings are still difficult...

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #64 on: August 17, 2011, 08:09:55 PM »
My first lab is back. this thing is real and it is inside of me... denial hasn't helped it go away. I've found a couple of amazing friends on this site and they have been extremely helpful and without them i dont know what I would have done.

I decided that I'm going to be strong... I've been through a lot of obstacles in life and who knows i might die of something else other than this virus and I dont want it to define my life. I want to defy it.

My infection is fairly new and I caught it early, my numbers  T4: 379  VL: 100K

I'm still thinking about starting treatment or not but I definitely can't start yet since I have exams coming up and can't be dreaming vividly right before my exam lol or have diarrhea during my exam... but I am nervous about the stigma and being alone... I have this secret now and health wise I know that I'll be fine but socially it will be a challenge... Being gay was hard enough to find a decent man to be with long term but now there is another layer is added on top of that...

I hope that I can be strong(er) soon(er)...

xoxo

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #65 on: September 10, 2011, 02:27:09 PM »
Still terrified... still shocked... (since 7/26/11)

I started my 4th and final year of med school at the hospital and faced with seeing the scary end of the disease. This isn't easy... This whole year I will be going to different hospitals in different states and wont' be in one location and i can't get help anywhere because of it... I just don't know what to do... I'm usually a vibrant and a happy person and people liked to be around me but now I look and feel depressed and I can see how quiet I have become...

I found a couple of really good friends from here that I talk to by phone almost daily and I'm grateful for their support but it is so hard...


A couple of days ago I have had this bad chest pain that was really hurting me and I couldn't breathe so I took some Ibuprofen and it felt better so I knew it wasn't anything serious but then as soon as the meds wore off I had the pain again and one of the nurses told me to go to the ER. Even though I knew this is nothing to worry about, after work i went down to the ER in the hospital and they took me in quickly because I work there. Another medical student examined me and asked me if I have any medical condition. I said NO! I could not for the life of me admit to my status. it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. As if I really believed it! I never told them of my status. this is really stupid!!! It was then that I realized I need real help... that the chest pain was definitely due to stress... especially when all the tests and scans came out negative so they just told me to take the ibuprofen for pain to avoid complications from not breathing properly due to pain... anyways, i'm messed up mentally...



This is really hard... I want to have a positive view and a positive energy...



Offline Jablair09

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #66 on: September 10, 2011, 03:51:02 PM »
Hello,

I understand why you're scared. I too have seen, and actually faced, the 'end stage' of this disease. When I was diagnosed, I was told I had six to twelve months to live AT BEST. That was November 20th, 1997. 14 years later, I am healthier than I have been in probably the past 25. I have had my hair fall out because my immune system wasn't even strong enough to fight off silverflake dermatitis...aka...dandruff. It covered my body in 50 cent size areas from my head to my feet. My entire  scalp was one solid scab...to the point that if I tried to brush my hair I would have huge chunks of hair pull out by the roots. I had to have my sister shave my head...or as close to it as she could get. I have had to deal with shingles and a host of other physical issues. HOWEVER, I am still here and the ONLY issue I have with HIV today, Thank the Lord above, is that I have to take a few pills once a day. I can tell you that #1, you are NOT going to die tomorrow or the next day or even the next week. What many people who deal with HIV do not realize is that the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING will carry you a very long way. I am a strong willed person and I contribute THREE THINGS to my having survived not only HIV but THREE BOUTS WITH CANCER. #1, first and foremost, God and his grace, #2 my doctors and their ability to not only stop the progression of the HIV and help cure the cancer but to send everything into remission and keep my viral load suppressed to an UNDETECTABLE LEVEL and help my CD4 count rebound to an unbelievable 1249 from ZERO, and finally, and JUST AS IMPORTANTLY as the last factor, my committment and sustained mental attitude that I WILL BEAT THIS!! I have told anyone with whom I have ever spoken about HIV that "I have HIV...HIV does NOT HAVE ME!! and I don't just SAY these words...I BELIEVE THEM!! Once you get to that mindset, I am confident that you will find your old self coming back more and more. I know what you see in the hospitals is scary. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THOSE ISSUES as have MILLIONS of other people living with HIV and, should you take the right steps, you will hopefully never have to go through the issues and complications that many of us have. According to my doctors, I have most likely been positive for approximately 30 years now.  Being in the medical field, you know there is no way to pinpoint exactly when a person contracts the virus. However, given my counts at the time of diagnosis, the doctors estimated that I would have had to have contracted the virus somewhere around 1981 or 1982...which given the events of that time period is highly likely to be relatively accurate.

I suppose the moral of this story is that if you set your mind that you are NOT going to let HIV rule your life then you take back the control that you obviously feel you have lost.

In my opinion, to which my life is a testimony, you can either LIVE with HIV or DIE from it. I choose to live as should you.

I mean not to sound abrupt. I'm merely a straightforward and outspoken advocate of those who choose to LIVE with HIV as opposed to the alternative.

Should you ever feel the need to chat, by all means do not hesitate to contact me. My email address is BlairJA2010@live.com and my name is Jeff.

Have a great day and be blessed! I know I have been!

Here if you need a friend!

Jeff

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #67 on: September 13, 2011, 08:44:39 PM »
Wow, Jeff. Dayum. That was inspiring.

I had never heard about garden variety dandruff being a menace when one has low numbers. Who knew?!

I assume you must have good insurance coverage, too?

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #68 on: September 13, 2011, 08:54:42 PM »
Jeff thank you so much for such uplifting words. I assure you that I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to suffer while getting there...

After I read your response and thinking about everything and doing some soul searching I decided that since I'm positive I mind as well be a positive person too. So since Monday actually I decided to be positive and worked everything inside my crazy head and let me tell you things are beginning to fall into place nicely.

I called a doctor's office in Canada and they said that he no longer is taking new patients and gave me his email to contact him myself. So I emailed him and told him my story and that I'm in the USA right now in medical school and so on and then he emailed me right back and asked if he could call me on my phone. I said of course.

He CALLED me and talked to me person to person. He was so incredibly nice that i was almost in tear to see how wonderful a doctor can be. He said well since you're working in the hospital I'm sure that you wont be able to come during the week. so tell you what, why don't you come see me on a Sunday and I will come in to see you. he said: "I will work around your schedule".

He asked me about my numbers over the phone and told me that most likely I was in seroconversion when I got the labs about a month ago also since I was negative in December. He reassured me and told me that everything will be OK and that short of getting rid of the virus all together he can help me with the rest of it and it will be life as usual.

So I was glad that I developed a positive energy that day because that's how everything fell into place.



This is was so different than my experience with the two doctors I saw in California. I was traumatized. So I'm going to see him on a sunday and to talk to him. I'm actually excited to see him!!


THANKs everyone. I know that I will have ups and downs but right now I'm up and without you guys i honestly would have been lost.


<3

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #69 on: September 14, 2011, 06:08:22 AM »
Wow Scared, that's wonderful news on all fronts. I'm glad you found such a caring, conscientious doctor - and I'm glad you found a positive attitude. Both are invaluable.

Onwards and upwards, eh?

Hugs,
Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #70 on: September 14, 2011, 06:13:36 AM »
I'm glad things are looking up for you Scared.  :)

« Last Edit: September 14, 2011, 06:18:33 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #71 on: September 14, 2011, 04:33:15 PM »
Hey my new wonderful friends!!

Over the weekend I went to the ER from chest pain. this is how bad my stress had got to me and on sunday night I decided to have a positive attitude and i can't believe how everything is starting to fall into place. And believe me I'm not lying.

Today I got a good news from my Blue cross insurance that the "investigation into possible pre-existing condition" is closed and everything is OK and my claims will be processed! how cool is that?!

Health-wise I feel better too. my lymph nodes were really swollen but they have now reduced in size which is really good. I did have some minor seborrheic dermatitis in july and august which is also totally gone. Aside from that I never had any other symptoms.

I just got an email from my doctor in Canada who I'm going to see that reads:

"howdee, absolutely ok for sunday - no need to call the office. you have my email to email me when you get up in the morning and when i arrive i will email you as well, i plan to be here around 1030 or 11ish or so great- bring in whatever labs you have and if you want to bring in someone with you- that is ok. try not to worry- we can get you through all of this"


He is such an example of the kind of doctor I want to be and I will be. This ordeal showed me the real human side of medicine and even though I was truly a caring person already, I will be even more caring because i can see how much difference it makes!!


I will update you guys soon. My exam is on Monday this week and also another one next Monday so after that I will be able to at least get out of my solitary confinement and get some much needed EtOH in my system lol.

<3 Hugs <3
« Last Edit: September 14, 2011, 04:40:01 PM by scared2b »

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #72 on: September 14, 2011, 07:56:51 PM »
That's great news.

Remember there are co-pay assistance programs to cover any copays.

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #73 on: September 14, 2011, 09:53:25 PM »
I didn't know about this. I'll research on it once I'm done with my exams but may be if you guys have some links or information I would appreciate your guidance.

thanks a lot!!

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #74 on: September 14, 2011, 11:21:22 PM »
good luck on those exams! ;)

and for the co-pay assistance, just visit the website for the medication you'll take and there is information there about signing up for the assistance.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline elise1975

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #75 on: September 22, 2011, 01:45:58 PM »
hi scared2b
first off simmer down! i am also new to this infection... and yes it sucks. BUT, i have had the detailed talks with my drs about this... first things first tho, and find the best infectious disease dr you can in your area. They know whats up and can really tell you whats new and how it is. When i went into mine for the first time BALLING my eyes out... they reassured me that they dont let people get AIDS status anymore.. that the drugs they have now keeps it in the HIV status, and the only people that die of the disease are the ones that dont listen to what they say or dont take care of themselves. also, i found that going to a center (NOT a support group) and talking one on one to someone who has it and is doing awesome living with it helped me so much that i cant even explain. I did try to go to the support group 3 weeks after finding out and what i found there was a bunch of people who were defiant, pissed off, and in a place i didnt want to be... it was a very negative experience that i wouldn't wish on anyone.
Now the costs... i found out about ADAP, which is amazing, and is there to relieve your stress of wondering how your going to pay for anything and what if you cant afford insurance.... which is totally covered. i also discovered that our red cross here also pays for your gas to and from your dr or pharmacy... not sure about where you are and if they do that, but its something to look into. i think in the first 2 months i had at LEAST 15 drs appts... it adds up. but since everything has settled down, i go to a dr maybe once every 2 months (not just my ID dr).
biggest thing is tho, please dont stress... HIV is not what you see in the movies, its not what you hear jokes about, it has come so far in science that, if kept under control, is less work  than diabetes.  most people i talk to are undetectable, and have better cd4 counts than i can ever imagine. dont go to websites online because its all black and white... there is no in between because they are they to scare people not to have sex ( and who doesn't want sex??? :). your best bet to settle down is to talk to people who have it and are doing awesome (some chat rooms are super useful) or a center that you can talk to someone who has it. its not what it was and remember... your mind is your worst enemy right now. just because you sneeze does not mean your dying. we all get colds, we all get fevers, we all get a pimples!!!! youll be fiiiine  ;D

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #76 on: September 22, 2011, 10:11:22 PM »
Here's some info, but it's about a year old. Basically most of them have co-pay assistance.


http://www.thebody.com/content/art51554.html

The info above is dated b/c now Truvada/Atripla/Isentress start covering without any minimum. It used to be that they kicked in after a certain amount. My Isentress and Truvada co-pays are $25 each and with these programs it's free so i"m saving $50/month.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2011, 10:13:40 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,191
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #77 on: September 26, 2011, 04:52:21 AM »
the only people that die of the disease are the ones that dont listen to what they say or dont take care of themselves.


Really?
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #78 on: September 26, 2011, 03:45:48 PM »
they reassured me that they dont let people get AIDS status anymore.. that the drugs they have now keeps it in the HIV status, and the only people that die of the disease are the ones that dont listen to what they say or dont take care of themselves.

This is dreadful advice, and a terrible judgment on people who do indeed get sick and die, despite doing all the "right" things. I know you are recently diagnosed, but you might want to get up to speed on the reality of HIV before you post stuff like that.

Daddy Tim did all the right things. So did a dozen or so people from these forums we have buried in the last couple of years.

I don't think people need to fear HIV. I do think people need to respect it.

To the OP:

It's great news that you have found a terrific doctor! That's probably the most important relationship you can have right now!

Your numbers look good so far, and I totally understand your wanting to take a "wait and see" approach to meds. Your emotional state, like your numbers, will likely bounce around for a while before settling down. Having friends, support, that good doctor, and your awesome goal of finishing medical school  will surely help get you through the roughest parts.

It looks like you have the will and the fortitude to deal with this diagnosis beautifully.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #79 on: September 26, 2011, 07:55:31 PM »

Daddy Tim did all the right things. So did a dozen or so people from these forums we have buried in the last couple of years.


She could have phrased it better but I'm pretty sure that she was not referring to LTS with HIV/AIDS but rather to the newly diagnosed.

And she's basically right: for anyone newly diagnosed who has access to good health care and to ARV meds, they will by and large do fine as long as they monitor the progression and go on meds when deemed necessary.

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #80 on: September 26, 2011, 08:20:46 PM »
I do not wish to
She could have phrased it better but I'm pretty sure that she was not referring to LTS with HIV/AIDS but rather to the newly diagnosed.

And she's basically right: for anyone newly diagnosed who has access to good health care and to ARV meds, they will by and large do fine as long as they monitor the progression and go on meds when deemed necessary.


I do not wish to hijack this thread, but I think the phrase "by and large" paints with a rather broad brush. I do not wish to see people accused of not being "good"patients when and if they get sick. I am sure you do not either. And that's what we set people up to endure when we allow statements like that to go unchallenged.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #81 on: September 26, 2011, 09:33:34 PM »
I do not wish to

I do not wish to hijack this thread, but I think the phrase "by and large" paints with a rather broad brush. I do not wish to see people accused of not being "good"patients when and if they get sick. I am sure you do not either. And that's what we set people up to endure when we allow statements like that to go unchallenged.




The fact is that HIV is completely manageable for the newly diagnosed who have access to good health care.


I think that was the point she was trying to make.

We are not talking about LTS or those who do not have access to good health care.

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #82 on: September 26, 2011, 10:40:45 PM »

The fact is that HIV is completely manageable for the newly diagnosed who have access to good health care.


People with major depressive disorder and other mental health issues should not take Sustiva. This fact gets swept under every convenient rug, and it leaves suicidal people feeling like failures in it's wake. Please continue this conversation in another thread.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #83 on: September 27, 2011, 12:08:49 AM »
I agree that "by and large" paints just too broad of a swath. Stating it like that seems to forget, or just ignore, that 33% of people diagnosed with HIV are diagnosed (usually when they are sick and present at a hospital) already at the level of AIDS. That means that every day people are diagnosed with AIDS right off the bat. Then that AIDS label is likely to stick with them throughout the rest of their lives too. Too often everyone seems to forget that not everyone is disagnosed early enough to prevent having severe immune system degradation, starting meds immediately with no time to worry or fret about side effects, and no say in disclosing to friends and family as they lie in a hospital hoping HAART works in time (as it frequently but not always does) to prevent death.

So AIDS-diagnoses and AIDS-deaths happen every day that have nothing to do with not following doctor's advice. Any doctor that would "reassure someone that they dont let people get AIDS status anymore" really just isn't telling the whole truth; but is probably just trying to placate a nervous patient who was diagnosed well before they got sick (or perhaps even needed meds) and who has adequate access to meds.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #84 on: September 27, 2011, 08:27:17 PM »
People with major depressive disorder and other mental health issues should not take Sustiva. This fact gets swept under every convenient rug, and it leaves suicidal people feeling like failures in it's wake.  


That would be more of a concern if Atripla were the only game in town, but there are several other options.

Leatherman, you make a very good point that some people get diagnosed only after they already have advanced AIDS. More reason to get tested and know one's status. There's no need to allow it to get that bad in the developed world.

Heck, even in the USA it's not always a guarantee that there will be treatment for everyone who needs it.

The point is, and it bears repeating: if there is health care coverage and if it's caught in time then it's manageable. I agree that those are two very big 'Ifs.'"
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 08:32:58 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,706
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #85 on: September 27, 2011, 08:52:12 PM »
Hello,

I understand why you're scared. I too have seen, and actually faced, the 'end stage' of this disease. When I was diagnosed, I was told I had six to twelve months to live AT BEST. That was November 20th, 1997. 14 years later, I am healthier than I have been in probably the past 25. I have had my hair fall out because my immune system wasn't even strong enough to fight off silverflake dermatitis...aka...dandruff. It covered my body in 50 cent size areas from my head to my feet. My entire  scalp was one solid scab...to the point that if I tried to brush my hair I would have huge chunks of hair pull out by the roots. I had to have my sister shave my head...or as close to it as she could get. I have had to deal with shingles and a host of other physical issues. HOWEVER, I am still here and the ONLY issue I have with HIV today, Thank the Lord above, is that I have to take a few pills once a day. I can tell you that #1, you are NOT going to die tomorrow or the next day or even the next week. What many people who deal with HIV do not realize is that the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING will carry you a very long way. I am a strong willed person and I contribute THREE THINGS to my having survived not only HIV but THREE BOUTS WITH CANCER. #1, first and foremost, God and his grace, #2 my doctors and their ability to not only stop the progression of the HIV and help cure the cancer but to send everything into remission and keep my viral load suppressed to an UNDETECTABLE LEVEL and help my CD4 count rebound to an unbelievable 1249 from ZERO, and finally, and JUST AS IMPORTANTLY as the last factor, my committment and sustained mental attitude that I WILL BEAT THIS!! I have told anyone with whom I have ever spoken about HIV that "I have HIV...HIV does NOT HAVE ME!! and I don't just SAY these words...I BELIEVE THEM!! Once you get to that mindset, I am confident that you will find your old self coming back more and more. I know what you see in the hospitals is scary. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THOSE ISSUES as have MILLIONS of other people living with HIV and, should you take the right steps, you will hopefully never have to go through the issues and complications that many of us have. According to my doctors, I have most likely been positive for approximately 30 years now.  Being in the medical field, you know there is no way to pinpoint exactly when a person contracts the virus. However, given my counts at the time of diagnosis, the doctors estimated that I would have had to have contracted the virus somewhere around 1981 or 1982...which given the events of that time period is highly likely to be relatively accurate.

I suppose the moral of this story is that if you set your mind that you are NOT going to let HIV rule your life then you take back the control that you obviously feel you have lost.

In my opinion, to which my life is a testimony, you can either LIVE with HIV or DIE from it. I choose to live as should you.

I mean not to sound abrupt. I'm merely a straightforward and outspoken advocate of those who choose to LIVE with HIV as opposed to the alternative.

Should you ever feel the need to chat, by all means do not hesitate to contact me. My email address is BlairJA2010@live.com and my name is Jeff.

Have a great day and be blessed! I know I have been!

Here if you need a friend!

Jeff

Thanks for sharing that Jeff, it is a testimony to living life through many hardships indeed....

I hope you are able to have many blessed days.....

Skeebo
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #86 on: September 28, 2011, 06:25:06 AM »
That would be more of a concern if Atripla were the only game in town, but there are several other options.

Very true that, but unfortunately Atripla (or more to the point, Sustiva) is all too often prescribed as first-line treatment without any mental health screening. Even when people go into it with no mental health issues, when Sustiva creates them, many doctors discount the problem and try to persuade the patient to continue on with the combo because it's doing a good job on the virus.

I've seen this happen time and time again, both here on the forums and in real life too. Many doctors are reluctant to change a patient's combo when it's working as far as the virus is concerned, and that makes the patient reluctant as well, despite not being able to get restful sleep, or depression, or anger issues etc.

Also, with Sustiva, some people don't realise how much it is affecting them. Quite a few times over the years I've heard of people having their friends or family confront them about their increasingly negative attitudes and irritability etc - and the person hadn't even noticed how much they'd changed. Part of the problem is how it can sneak up on you over a period of months.

I'll be happy when Sustiva is no longer used as a first-line treatment. Sure, many people have no problems with it, but many people do have problems. It does its job on the virus and does it very well, but it can be devastating mentally for too many, in my opinion.  I'll be glad when people no longer have to take that chance with their mental health.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline elise1975

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #87 on: September 28, 2011, 05:54:09 PM »
let me clear up what i mean by the who not listening to their dr dont take care of themselves and dying ... i went to the dr in a PANIC after i went to a "support" group meeting. that meeting was filled with people who refused to take their meds, had unprotected sex with people because "i dont care, they did this to me" mentality and also had sex with other hiv positive people so they are just "sharing" their virus. this is what i mean. Almost everyone at this "support" group personified what your NOT supposed to do when you discover you have this virus. and yes i went to the dr frantic and in tears because of what i saw and how horrible people were on the inside and out... he reassured me that i caught it early and if i take care of myself i wont get to such a point. he also told me that i need to surround myself with people who are positive in attitude... not people who are so full of hate towards themselves and society that they dont care what becomes of themselves and others. this is what i mean by taking care of yourself and listening to your dr.. its pivotal to your health.  sorry if i offended anyone.

Offline Inchlingblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #88 on: September 28, 2011, 08:28:37 PM »
 sorry if i offended anyone.

Not that I speak for everyone but I don't think you offended anyone.

Welcome to the forums. ;)

Ann, as usual, you bring up very good and salient points. I had to insist with my doctor at the time that I wanted to start treatment with Isentress/Truvada and he was reluctant. Granted, it was a couple of months before it was  a "recommended treatment option." He was concerned about adherence with twice a day dosing. I held my ground that these were the meds I wanted. I think that few patients would have been as, ahem, pushy, as I was.

This was in 2009, almost an eternity ago. Today, Isentress/Truvada is not so exotic and there's Complera, etc.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2011, 09:56:31 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #89 on: September 29, 2011, 09:13:15 AM »
I think that few patients would have been as, ahem, pushy, as I was.


It certainly does pay to be pushy with your doctor, particularly if you can back up your demands with current, accurate knowledge. :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #90 on: October 12, 2011, 08:31:55 PM »
Hey everyone.

I just wanted to update you. I finally got my scores and passed my exams :)) and on my way to get my MD in March. And coincidentally I got the result of my CD4 count today and it was 500!!!! So I went up from 379 to 395 to 500 since August.

I'm not on any medications yet and this just buys me some more time until I figure things out. I haven't been as depressed as before but that's mainly because I'm not thinking about it as much but at times I think and still can't believe that I am positive... oh well...

thx for being there...

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #91 on: October 12, 2011, 10:44:35 PM »
WooHoo! That's excellent news about the exams! and good news about your cd4 count too!
(what about that viral load??)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #92 on: October 13, 2011, 12:37:58 AM »
Congrats Scared2b, that's great news!
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #93 on: October 13, 2011, 01:02:01 PM »
Thanks friends. There is a reason my doc didn't do VL. He's such a sweetheart. read bellow. But my doc just emailed me about the T4 count and told me about it. I just sent my application for drug plan in Canada based on my income which as a student is zero lol, and once its approved I'll visit my doc and do another set of numbers and see where I am.

It seems that regardless of my numbers I will have to be on medication if I am to practice medicine in Canada. Apparently if I want to be a part of the Medical council of Canada I have to be at an undetectable VL levels (this is why we didnt do VL this time) and I have to disclose my status to the council. This is to protect my patients and myself from litigation. So I'll have to figure these out soon... He figured since I'm not doing any invasive procedures yet there is no urgency to disclose and all that so we're taking it one step at a time.

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #94 on: October 13, 2011, 02:23:15 PM »
Thanks friends. There is a reason my doc didn't do VL. He's such a sweetheart. read bellow. But my doc just emailed me about the T4 count and told me about it. I just sent my application for drug plan in Canada based on my income which as a student is zero lol, and once its approved I'll visit my doc and do another set of numbers and see where I am.

It seems that regardless of my numbers I will have to be on medication if I am to practice medicine in Canada. Apparently if I want to be a part of the Medical council of Canada I have to be at an undetectable VL levels (this is why we didnt do VL this time) and I have to disclose my status to the council. This is to protect my patients and myself from litigation. So I'll have to figure these out soon... He figured since I'm not doing any invasive procedures yet there is no urgency to disclose and all that so we're taking it one step at a time.

That is some top-notch work on the part of your doctor! It's terrific that you are getting good care!
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #95 on: October 13, 2011, 08:00:41 PM »
I know. i'm blessed. he's so amazing and sweet. he's a really good example of a great compassionate doctor. I want to be like him.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #96 on: October 14, 2011, 08:03:20 AM »
I know. i'm blessed. he's so amazing and sweet. he's a really good example of a great compassionate doctor. I want to be like him.

I'm so happy for you (and your future patients) that you have such a powerful, positive role model. Give him a hug for me, ok? Thanks. :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #97 on: October 14, 2011, 08:22:15 AM »
Thanks Ann

He actually hugged me already when we finished our session and told me that you have to promise me you won't let this virus infect your soul and you shouldn't change a thing about your plans in the future. I won't lie I had tears in my eyes...


Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #98 on: October 14, 2011, 08:25:18 AM »

you have to promise me you won't let this virus infect your soul


I like that. What a wonderful way to put it. This doctor is definitely a "keeper". Hang on to him! :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #99 on: October 17, 2011, 09:36:32 PM »
yea my doctor's an angel in my eyes. He emailed me and told me all this while he was out of country on vacation! I have so much love and respect for him.

I wanted to tell you guys that today I started rotating in a youth HIV+ clinic and my attending physician here in Chicago is so amazing. He spends so much time with pts and talks to them about everything and I'm learning so much from just their encounters let alone medical stuff... I was there all day and I thought about you guys a lot.

I'm still struggling with my diagnosis, if I told you otherwise I would be lying. I dont think I will ever be OK with it but I'm learning to adjust myself and deal with it. These kids that came today were girls and boys, gays and straight and it was amazing to see the demographic variation that came just today alone. I was amazed.

The worst part was when me and the other students were talking or when everyone was talking to our attending. I felt so weird. I felt like I'm hiding something which I am. I never want anyone to know and I thought after I came out of closet I was so free that I didn't have that weirdness anymore but now there is this...

the good news is that the entire HIV care center is under construction because the care has switched from procedures to chronic care so they are changing the whole set up.

guys you never know... i might end up choosing to work with HIV kids! I really enjoyed being around them and just wanted to hug them but I had to hold back tears and emotions...

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,298
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #100 on: October 17, 2011, 09:48:58 PM »
I'm still struggling with my diagnosis, if I told you otherwise I would be lying. I dont think I will ever be OK with it but I'm learning to adjust myself and deal with it.
though it may sound kinda trite, it's still very true:
It gets better.  ;) (it just takes time)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #101 on: October 20, 2011, 02:19:00 AM »
its hard to believe its only been 3 months since my diagnosis. life's crazy eh!

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #102 on: October 30, 2011, 03:20:15 AM »
Hey friends,

I just wanted to update you all. My VL went down from 100K to 55K and as I mentioned my CD4 is now 500. So I've decided to start meds before this virus gets a chance to fuck with my cells and lymph nodes, here is a small summary of what we talked about new emerging research results.


We talked about drugs and the documented benefits of starting as early as possible on the immune system. This is what I believed myself too from reading the literature but working in the States at an HIV clinic it was all about insurance recommendations and etc and nothing about the new research and etc. so He showed me all the research he has done with the World's most famous HIV researchers and I was quite astonished to see the benefits of starting early which confirmed my earlier conclusion from my own reading of the literature.

First of all what we see as VL and CD4 count is obviously what we get from our blood which contains only 2% of our cells and is a very indirect mechanism of estimating the numbers in your lymph nodes which is where the real battle is taking place. The true numbers are  X 10,000 and even that is an estimate. Therefore as we are counting these numbers in our blood, the lymph nodes and their encompassing immune cells are being attached by the virus that is replicating 10 Billion copies per day and therefore in the long run leaving the nodes scared, ineffective and create fibrosis which is obviously irreversible damage. He actually showed me the picture of it that was published by him. Remember even with medication use, there are still some residual amount of virus being replicated and so we need healthy cells to fight them off. So basically as some ignore their HIV status or when they are simply waiting for a certain number to hit before they start medication the virus is not waiting, they are attacking the lymph nodes and the immune cells every single day and are eventually causing irreversible damage. So that when the patient does start meds and get their numbers back up, and again those are the numbers in the blood stream, meaning that they came from those damaged lymph nodes that have been attacked while the patient was waiting for a certain number to hit. Therefore these new cells that are coming from these lymph nodes are not going to be as effective in quality and in the long run will fall back down sooner than if the meds were started early on, keeping the nodes healthier and therefore producing a better quality cells which can withstand the virus longer and won't fall back down as fast at all.

I saw a graph that showed that if you start meds while in early seroconversion your lymph nodes recover beautifully and quite fast. if you start meds in late seroconversion or shortly after your lymph nodes will recover beautifully again and fast but not as fast as early seroconversion yet still fast enough and more importantly the recovery was at the same level of the former. If you let the process go chronic and wait a long time before starting meds then your nodes will only be able to recover up to a certain level because remember the damage is irreversible to the nodes when it is chronically being attacked by the virus. I wish I could draw the graph but I will try to find the literature for you guys.

Another reason why most people wait is that they don't want to start committing to a pill for the rest of their lives and want to delay initiation as much as possible. He gave me a really good analogy. He said its like delaying your honeymoon for a week, a month or even a year longer but if you're going to be in a marriage that is 50-60 years long then those few weeks, months or even a year that you spent in honeymoon seems very small and pointless while you could have been benefiting from starting early!!! Makes so much sense to me.

Anyways therefore the sooner you start the better off you are and he is right. there is no other medical condition that we know of where we have a medication and a management for but for no reason at all we decide to wait and withhold treatment until the patient gets sick or their numbers fall bellow a certain made up number.

The important thing he noted was that when (not if) in the future there is a cure for HIV, then you can bet that only those can be truly cured that started meds early on and were able to restore their lymph nodes back to the healthy level and not have let the process go chronic because even with a cure for HIV you must remember that even if you cure someone of their HIV the virus, you cannot reverse the process of fibrosis in their lymph nodes and so it is imperative that you keep your organs and your nodes healthy by starting meds early.

With Love,
   :-)
« Last Edit: October 30, 2011, 03:49:48 AM by scared2b »

Offline Themepark

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #103 on: October 31, 2011, 03:54:01 AM »
Dear Scared

I must confess that I have followed your post since day one and it has been really inspiring what you have posted so far. I was tested poz about 3 months back. And I already had the same thought as you do thatothers is no point of waiting to start meds. so I did started it in less than a week after the news. I have no sorrow for decision I made thought it has not been such a smooth road to go through. And since I am in the bloody, also floody at the moment, developing part of the world, options for treatment are still limited here. At least what we have seems to work for me as my cd4 increased and vl dropped drastically within the first month.

It is also admirable how you turned your attitude towards the future. It have come to the fact that mind take control over the body in this kind of battle. Getting the right weapon will make it easier to understand the stage of life I guess. So I guess your medical background will hopfully help not just you but also all of us here to fight with the unfortunate life we share here. Keep posting, we need to be inspired by people like you!

Many thanks
A.
05/08/11 Tested poz at the age of 32
06/08/11 CD4@365 27% VL=20,806
11/08/11 Truvada + Stocrin
22/08/11 Truvada (Stop Stocrin)
31/08/11 Truvada + Kaletra
15/09/11 Truvada + Aluvia
01/10/11 CD4@581 27% VL=234
25/02/12 CD4@661 30% VL<40
13/03/12 Truvada + Viramune
08/08/12 CD4@590 37% VL<40
17/11/12 CD4@650 33% VL<40
01/05/13 CD4@634 35% VL<40
06/09/13 CD4@763 36% VL<40

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #104 on: October 31, 2011, 09:08:28 PM »
Thank you so much for being so sweet and your kind words.

xoxo

Offline wjaxon

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #105 on: November 09, 2011, 06:47:54 PM »
You seem to have taken the bull by its horns man. Bravo.  Hope all is well and that you continue to flourish!
Infected Aug 2011; Dx Sept 2011; Started meds Sept 2011 VL >10 million  CD4 258.  10/2011 VL 2890 33.6% CD4 706.  11/2011  VL 1300  CD4 778

Offline csguy1

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #106 on: November 22, 2011, 08:12:36 AM »
Hey Oz and guys. Sorry to hear about the confirmation. I too just found out I tested positive for HIV yesterday. I went for my normal std and HIV check up and come to find out  that it came back poz. I immediately had to leave work and just breath. I didn't cry, even though I wanted to, so I tried and called to make an appointment w/ an HIV specialist who is an in network provider on the health insurance. I tried to clear my mind to the best I could, told myself that I am going to fight this, do the best that I can do, and live a long healthy life. I returned back to work 45 mins later and tried to focus on what I do best, project manage and analyze software dev. Issues for the financial firm I work for.
I managed to get through the rest of the day by trying to keep busy, and reading articles getting informed about it and reading a few forums as well. Your forum along with other inspires me and gives me
Confirmation that we and anyone can fight this battle as long as you continue to remain positive, reach out for support, and do your due dilegence in fighting this virus.

I'm 26, work out 5-6 days a week, had been healthy my whole life and hope to continue being as healthy for the rest of my life. I am now HIV positive, this is my first post in a forum, and hope to hear from you guys soon.

-Hanging in there and trying to remain optimistic-

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #107 on: November 23, 2011, 06:17:22 AM »
Hey Csguy,

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis but welcome to the forums.

You might want to open your own thread; you'll get more personal responses there.  :)

I can understand how your thoughts would be caught in a whirlwind at this time, however you will see the angst dissipate in the coming months - and will eventually realise that you're the same person and with the same life except that you now have this infection to manage.

It seems you have a good handle on things so far, which is already a great sign.   :)

Best

Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #108 on: November 23, 2011, 10:00:12 AM »
Hi CSguy, welcome to the forums.

Space is right - you may want to start your own thread.

Have you had your positive result confirmed with a Western Blot test, or did you only get a positive result on an antibody test? Sometimes a positive result on an antibody test is a false positive. That's why you need to confirm with further testing. You cannot really consider yourself to be hiv positive until you've had the confirmation, so if you haven't already, please do this.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline csguy1

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #109 on: November 24, 2011, 02:24:34 PM »
Thanks Spacebar and Ann..

I didn't know how these forums worked, I guess I could start another one sorry for hijacking Oz's.

I had a blood test as I always get will be going to the HIV specialist tomorrow afternoon and go from there.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #110 on: January 17, 2012, 05:05:06 PM »
Hey guys,

just wanted to update you quickly. I started taking Atripla+Isentress less than two months ago and today I received my results and my CD4% increased from 24 to 31% and my VL is now undetectable!!!  I was taking two pills so that my VL can come down fast and now I'm going on Atripla alone.

I want to thank you all for being there with me when I was down... This journey started in late July when I got my + news. It will still be a long journey but I am hopeful...

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Im terrified... NEED HELP.
« Reply #111 on: January 19, 2012, 04:24:54 AM »
Well done Scared2b! Congrats on reaching undetectable!!

btw, why were you put on Atripla + Isentress? Isn't Atripla sufficient?
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.