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Hello, I'm new.....I think I am after some advice!

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Ann:
I'm really happy to hear that you got over the initial problems that your partner's diagnosis brought to your relationship. True love will win out every time and it sounds like that's what you've got; True Love. Sweet! :)

Wishing you and your growing family all the best for a long and happy life. Cheers!

Blue75:
Hi Doodle, this string of posts brought tears to my eyes.

I didn't realize, until the end, that your original post was over a year ago. I can relate on so many levels, even now. Congrats on a new baby!

I agree with what Mecch & Ann said & I hope he has opened up abit and has allowed you more information with where he's at in this. I, personally, would absolutely insist on it, but when my husband isn't forthcoming (because he absolutely hates talking about it), he's given his doctors the okay to talk with me...so I go straight to the information source.

Congrats again & best of luck!
Blue

Doodle:
Hi,
I know this is a very very old thread, just popping back with a recent update & some opinions please.

We now have a very beautiful 18 month old daughter!!

But, to go along with the joy of having her has also been a lot of struggles & heartache. 

When our daughter was 6 months old my parents somehow found out about my partners status (we still have no clue how, as we had been very very careful to keep it a secret from them) - the reason we decided to keep it from them is because we knew how bad their reaction would be, and we were right - it was the worst possible reaction.

They were completely unreasonable, went absolutely mad and haven't spoken to my partner since (over a year now)

Up until they found out my partner's status he had been working for them & obviously isn't anymore - they made sure that he didn't have a job & were very careful to ensure that they would not get in trouble for making him unemployed. 

I had also been working for them, but decided to leave when my maternity leave ended as it was all too difficult.

My mum has been awful - she has been totally horrible & we had major discussions in which she stated that she hates him & always has done. (And that it has nothing to with his status, just him & some things he's done in the past)

I have basically not had a lot to do with since this happened, although I make sure the children still see them.

It is awful that I have been made to choose between my partner & my family - I wanted to be able to maintain a relationship with both my parents & my partner, but that is proving to be impossible. ( as they will not see, or speak to him)

My mum would be happy to see me leave my partner & leave her 4 grandchildren without their dad, which I think is really selfish of her. 

It is an awful situation to be in & I feel like I have been made to choose between my partner (and the kids having their dad) & my family.

I feel better about the situation than I did a year ago, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot have a relationship with my partner & my parents.

I know this is their problem, but I can't help feeling bad.

My next dilemma is Christmas - last year I visited them with the children in the morning, while my partner stayed home & cooked dinner. 

This year we have been invited to stay with friends about 40 miles away for the whole of Christmas so it would not be practical to visit my parents on Christmas Day, without spending a few hours travelling, which I don't want to do.

Part of me really wants to go away & really enjoy Christmas with my partner & kids & the other part of me feels that my parents should see their grandchildren on Christmas Day (they have no other grandchildren), I don't know what to do!

I also think that if we go away it will blow up another augment with them, which to be honest I don't want.
(The situation is made a whole lot worse by the fact that they own the house we live in & even though they have let us stay, I don't know if causing an argument could mean they ask us/just my partner to leave)

Sorry, that's a really really long post & is pretty meaningless, I just needed to rant as I've kept all of this rubbish in for over year, dealing with it by myself (only have my partner & a few close friends to talk to).

Thanks for reading, opinions & advice welcome!!

Thank you

Doodle x

mecch:

--- Quote from: Doodle on September 23, 2014, 09:32:59 AM ---My mum has been awful - she has been totally horrible & we had major discussions in which she stated that she hates him & always has done. (And that it has nothing to with his status, just him & some things he's done in the past)

I have basically not had a lot to do with since this happened, although I make sure the children still see them.

--- End quote ---

That is generous and kind of you, not only for your children, but also for your parent.  Your kindness is at your will, they don't deserve it or have a right to it, considering their atrocious behaviour.


--- Quote from: Doodle on September 23, 2014, 09:32:59 AM ---It is awful that I have been made to choose between my partner & my family - I wanted to be able to maintain a relationship with both my parents & my partner, but that is proving to be impossible. ( as they will not see, or speak to him)

My mum would be happy to see me leave my partner & leave her 4 grandchildren without their dad, which I think is really selfish of her. 

It is an awful situation to be in & I feel like I have been made to choose between my partner (and the kids having their dad) & my family.

--- End quote ---
Well, your parents can't make you choose, although they want to try. It doesn't sound like you have chosen. Sound like you are doing superhuman work to keep including your parents in your and their grandchildren's lives. Above and beyond the call of duty.

Yes, your mom is selfish and HATEFUL.  Its deplorable.

But I'm wondering if there is some doubt. You are still using the present tense, as if you are still considering giving up your husband. I hope not. Why would you EVER consider that?  How hideous. NEVER ever feed such bad energy, never reward.  You have taken the higher ground. I wouldn't necessarily be so grand of spirit, and I admire you a lot.  Its noble.


--- Quote from: Doodle on September 23, 2014, 09:32:59 AM ---
I feel better about the situation than I did a year ago, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot have a relationship with my partner & my parents.

I know this is their problem, but I can't help feeling bad.

My next dilemma is Christmas - last year I visited them with the children in the morning, while my partner stayed home & cooked dinner. 

This year we have been invited to stay with friends about 40 miles away for the whole of Christmas so it would not be practical to visit my parents on Christmas Day, without spending a few hours travelling, which I don't want to do.

Part of me really wants to go away & really enjoy Christmas with my partner & kids & the other part of me feels that my parents should see their grandchildren on Christmas Day (they have no other grandchildren), I don't know what to do!

I also think that if we go away it will blow up another augment with them, which to be honest I don't want.
(The situation is made a whole lot worse by the fact that they own the house we live in & even though they have let us stay, I don't know if causing an argument could mean they ask us/just my partner to leave)

Sorry, that's a really really long post & is pretty meaningless, I just needed to rant as I've kept all of this rubbish in for over year, dealing with it by myself (only have my partner & a few close friends to talk to).

Thanks for reading, opinions & advice welcome!!

Thank you

Doodle x

--- End quote ---

Doodle x - if you want the view from here, I think you should spend xmas with your husband and family and the friends you like, love and respect.  You must NOT reward your parents for their hate.  For xmas, holiday of love, they can be with friends or family who tolerate such nonsense.  What kind of Christmas do they want?  Ick.  Stay away, and keep your children away from them because its a bad example for a holiday as special as xmas..

mecch:
As far as the financial blackmail, I am not gonna be pollyanna and encourage you to stop playing along.  But please recognise you are being blackmailed and that is one of the very lowest things one human can do to others... 

If you feel you have to "play along" and placate them or be homeless, make sure you really are just playing along AND that you and your husband are figuring out a way to leave that frigging house and escape the blackmail.

I personally feel your parents behaviour has the potential to eat your soul and destroy your marriage and the sooner you can escape ALL bonds that tie them to you, you will have more power to dictate ALL terms of their contact with you and their grandchildren.

Shame shame and double shame on them.

Courage to you.

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