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Anyone else just feel messed up?

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I do not even know where to post this.  But I need to get it off my chest.  Maybe someone else can relate, I don't know.  Here's the jest of it.  Ever since I can remember, hardly a day has gone by that I have not contemplated suicide.  Now some days it is just a passing thought.  Other days I sit and stare at a bottle of pain pills and wish I had the guts to do it.  It doesn't matter if things are going wildly successful or horribly wrong in my life.  It seems to be a root in my life that never goes away and somehow taints the whole tree.

I have been to counseling for years.  Wow, some of those are nice people, others you wonder how they got a license.  "It's the same routine though.  Why do you want to die?" and I reply "Umm I don't know that is why I am here."  So many months and many dollars later nothing changes and I move on.

I don't like myself much, wow that is attractive isn't it?  When people tell me how talented or smart I am my eyes gloss over like a deer in headlights and I no more believe it than I do that a politician is honest. 

When crisis does hit, it is definitely the first thing I think of, to just check out.  Being in love has definitely helped, but there is always that nagging thing inside of me.  I've tried God, but wonder how He could love me.  Tried friends but it always seems disappointing.  Tried giving my life to others but end up feeling used.  I know this is pitiful and selfish way of thinking, I just can't seem to break the cycle.

Meds don't really do much for me.

I don't know, it would take paragraph upon pargraph to dissect it all.  But maybe someone else out there knows what I am talking about and can offers some advice to me.

Sorry for the downer.

Dear Biggums......

Honey, I'm sad that you are sad. Your puppy's expression is yours about now, isn't it?

I'm sorry you've been disappointed by therapists, and friends, it's tough, I know.

I have the most sincere wish for your well being, and beyond that, just want to let you know that you matter. We haven't spoken a lot, but I know you hold compassion in your heart for everyone you reach out to on our forums, and they reach back.

Sweetie, I hope this feeling will pass for you.

Sending you love and comforting arms <<<<HUGS>>>


Matty the Damned:
--huggles--  :-*


Hi Big,

It's allright to come and vent here.
I wished I had the right hammer to break the vicious circle you seem to be in.

When it's hard for you to accept when people tell you positive things about yourself why not consider this : there is not written law that people have to excel in something in life; just being here in the school of living is all we actually do.

I don't know you, I don't see you, but I accept you as a human being.





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