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Author Topic: Just a post  (Read 2817 times)

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Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 5,308
Just a post
« on: June 16, 2011, 04:52:14 PM »
I have been carrying a lot of burdens lately just like everyone.  I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon and once again he is my hero.  Through our combined efforts I should make it another decade or so.  I have no immediate concerns and everything is looking great.  Through all the years, I've never had a doctor who gladly spent an hour enjoying the conversation.  If allowed to mentally calculate my previous doctor; 2 minutes per visit every six month equals 4 minutes per year.  4 minutes per year times 16 years means I spent an entire 84 minutes with him.  

My cd4's hit upper 400's and % is around 19 and thanks to all you guys I learned the importance of trends lately it allowed to have deeper discussions about issues.  My vl was exactly 20 and was UD last time which is basically the same figures and again, thanks to a lot of you, I've finally started taking ultimate responsibility for this disease.  As I was joking with Dr. M****, I said I don't know how I survived this virus so long and he agreed.  He also told me when he became my doctor 2 years ago, he didn't think I was gonna make it.  We've agreed I dodge the marked bullet quite often and I guess there's no answer.  Maybe we refuse to quit?

Caveat:  My post made me feel better but if I offended, that wasn't my intent.

Thanks guys!

Modified to add, I got me some white zin so I won't be posting tonight....lol no way to delete high posts.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2011, 04:57:21 PM by wolfter »
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Just a post
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2011, 09:00:28 AM »
Hi Greg,

There is nothing in the Post that offends, maybe thin skin alco condition. One that I can remember , rather what your Post said to me is that it takes a long time to treat our demons and it is not a smooth and easy path.
Like you I am lucky with my Doc, although his memory can be a bit iffy and as mine can be nil--- hilarious confusion ensues.
anyway I am glad that all is well
best wishes
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline bear60

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Re: Just a post
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2011, 02:29:32 PM »
Rants are a good way of getting those burdens to lighten up.  My guess is that we all share that in common. 
Wishing you good health.

Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline OneTampa

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  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: Just a post
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2011, 10:16:19 PM »

I liked your post.

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 5,308
Re: Just a post
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2011, 12:12:08 AM »
To reach the abyss and claw back over and over is such a LTS issue.  Part of my new strategy is to finally rule things and not be ruled.  Again!  I hate pitty parties and that's not what I'm about.  Somehow, I managed to be here to reach my 46th bday later this month.  I am dealing with the growth syndrome that many do.  I've reached that point of "what now"?  Life wise.   I've had an incredible professional life and achieved most of what I goaled.  I had an incredible love life that exceeded all I ever imagined.  I was handed an incredibly hideous virus that I achieved to outlive for original prognosis. 

Then, 1 by 1, I found myself alone loosing everything that meant the most, then I lost my health.  Then I reached out and found friends here.  It made a world of difference.  This post isn't about gloom and doom, just my indivdual journey.  I've rec'd the support that I initially needed and will continue to offer the words of wisdom that I do know.  I'm not an HIV expert, just someone who caught the little bugger. 

When I got the call 2 yrs ago from Doc M that I needed to immediately return to the ER because of the crypto, I gave up to a degree.  I was a new patient to him and don't why he put up with my bullshit and worked as hard as he did.  When I found out I had to be in there for 20 some days for ampotericn infusions, I was "NO WAY".  I didn't want to fight and that sounds weak.  If someone has never been there, they won't understand.  I had no fight left. Or so I thought.  My fear was dying there and I had a conference with him after 2 days and said I was leaving ama.  He wasn't ok with my decision obviously but I agreed I'd come back to that county every day for 22 days for an 8 hour infusion. 

And fast forward, I'm still here.    Now I'm left in that weird place in life of where to go.  I'm convinced I'll surive until I don't but need to do something  other than sit around and be a turnip. 

Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Just a post
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2011, 08:45:14 AM »
I recognise the "weird place " all the energy focused on getting well reaching that point and then..The first time was twenty years ago it shocks me to calculate. Now if ? when I get to a point where being unwell is a minority off the month I think I intend to sit round like a turnip and try to enjoy every minute off it.

The last twenty years have not been full off illness and I made things happen that I could not off had I not given up my first career, but after 4 Major illnesses I have decided I am retired, and for me there is now comfort in that.

That trite saying  age is iust a number, works up and down the scale.

However Greg it sounds like you are definatly at the beginning off something new and I look forward to hearing about it
Best Wishes
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline aztecan

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  • Posts: 5,505
  • 30 years positive, 58 years a pain in the butt
Re: Just a post
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2011, 02:44:50 PM »
I congratulate you on your journey.

Somehow, that is the only way I can seem to put one foot in front of the other, to remember I am on a journey.

It sounds like you are in a good place.


"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 5,308
Re: Just a post
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2011, 04:20:11 PM »
Thanks guys.  I appreciate the kind words.  It seems like I'm living several days’ worth of life into every day lately.  A lot of this introspection and analyzing came from the reports that my previous id doctor sent to my current doctor.  I don't know if he didn't expect I'd see them but I did, thanks to Webview and the fact that my new doctor doesn't hide things.  In his report, he stated that I have consistently been unable to accept my HIV status and was in denial about what needed to be done.  I refused to listen to what was recommended and believed I knew better than the experts.  This old ass doctor suggested school would be too difficult, working would cause unnecessary strain and that I should stay on disability 20 years ago because my condition "didn't look good". 

I definitely dislike him which is quite obvious even though I went though the motions for lack of better care.  I was in denial of the outcome, not the virus.  I don't know if it was routine protocol in those days, or just ignorance on their part (or mine), but I chose how to proceed.  Maybe he just didn't like that I asked too many questions?  This guy was pretty much ready to sign a death certificate in those days but I was only in denial about my ability to succumb to it.  Christ, we still had rotary phones in those days, and computers were in sci fi movies so we didn't have the wealth of knowledge that exists today, or the support.

I'm suddenly this magical age that I never expected and so full of fear and anticipation at the same time.  Old fears and behaviors are diminishing and new ones are developing.  I feel so old and yet so young at the same time.  Once again, I'll take on the challenge and try to lead the direction of this crazy life. 

I appreciate all those here who have provided support and even those I felt didn't.  Each situation allowed am important insight to who I am and where I want to go.  So thanks again each and every one of you.
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,695
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Just a post
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2011, 05:50:41 PM »
Ah Wolfter you give such good thankyous, now give yourself one .

Now have you seen the pics I hunted out for you , remember how fragile us poncy old artist,s ego,s are.

I don,t believe I wrote that but I did
love theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Joe K

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  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Just a post
« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2011, 02:27:41 PM »
Ah Wolfter you give such good thankyous, now give yourself one .

I'm with Theyer on this one.  Having traveled a similar road, health wise, everything you relate is what we had to do to survive and that my friend, takes real courage.  As I read this thread, you seem far too modest in what you have overcome and just because you had doubts and fears, does not change the fact, that when confronted with life altering events, you had the courage to persevere.  I find that many times we tend to downplay our own strengths, or that our struggles are somehow less important than those of others and that is horribly unfair.

We all learned that the way to survive with HIV was to never say "die".  That is exactly what you did and having done that, you deserve way more credit than you know.  You should be exceedingly proud of yourself for all your accomplishments and now, because of your own personal fortitude, you have the choice of redefining yourself.  Having that choice is something that few people ever realize and even less actively work at, so kudos all the way around.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2011, 02:30:19 PM by killfoile »

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,308
Re: Just a post
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2011, 09:55:13 PM »
 :)  thank yous to all of us then :)

We all appreciate and need kind words and you are great at delivering.
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.


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