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Author Topic: i cant shake the fear  (Read 2126 times)

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Offline sadandlonely

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
i cant shake the fear
« on: June 24, 2011, 12:26:50 AM »
I've been reading the personal stories of many who have been affected by this treacherous virus for months now, but have yet to post. God bless all of you for having the courage to carry on in the face of one of the most deadly, and certainly the most stigmatized disease of our time. I don't know how you do it. I honestly don't. I've finally decided to register and post out of desparation. Here's my story:

I am a 23 year old male, and consider myself heterosexual, but an unplanned bi-curious experience has had a tremendous impact on my life. I was acquisitioned by a good looking man to have a little fun. I, thinking nothing of it, and being alittle intoxicated, agreed. the experience lasted only minutes. He performed fellacio on me until i came, and I did on him for about 10 seconds before my girlfriend popped into my head and stopped, fearing I could aquire something. When I stopped suddenly he seemed to know why, and said, "sorry, I had lube on earlier." These words haunt me to this day. Why did he have lube on? was he fucking another man before i started to suck him off? How long ago did he do this??? When all was said and done, I returned home with tremendous guilt to my girl-friend, who i love more than anything in this world. I've never cheated before, but cheating with another man??? What the hell is wrong with me?? Anyway I abstained for as long as I could for fear of giving her something until she began to wonder why I didn't want to have sex with her, so I gave in, unprotected fellacio and protected sex one or two times. I started to fear the worst when i started showing signs of herpes symplex type 1 on my lips, which was confirmed a month later when I got tested for every common std at a local clinic. Everything else was negative. I also had small white bumps on the corner of my lips that were unexplainable. I returned 3 months later fearing the worst, but tested negative for hiv using the rapid blood test. As a precautionary method, i tested again at 6 months, then 11 months, then 12 months, and 13 months, all negative. All the while I've had what looked like oral thrush, white curds in my mouth. My girlfriend has it too, and during fellacio has given it back to me in my urethra. this was confirmed by the clinic, who prescribed flucanizole. It worked for the urethral candidiasis but i still have oral thrush. This makes me so anxious! I honestly don't know what to make of my negative tests. It IS possible to contract HIV through oral sex, and it IS possible to seroconvert at any point in time after infection (although rare outside the window period)(ive done some inadvisible homework online). I would like to put this whole dumb experience behind me, but I can't help but feel that I'm infected. This has me depressed and lonely. I have no one to turn to. My family is not there for me and I can't tell anyone about my experience, because I'm disgusted with myself for making such a foolish mistake, and for doing it with a perfect stranger of unknown status. I'm confused and lonely and on the verge of suicide. I need support from you :( Could I be Infected??? Did I infect my love???

Thank you,
Sadandlonely

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,278
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2011, 04:24:22 AM »
You never had a risk of contracting HIV and didn't need testing.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2011, 09:26:34 AM »
Sad,

You said "I honestly don't know what to make of my negative tests." Well, try this on for size: YOU DO NOT HAVE HIV!!!

You never had a risk in the first place so it's no surprise that you've tested negative. It's a no-brainer.

Thrush is a common problem in hiv negative people. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have been passing it back and forth between the two of you, so you both need to treat at the same time and use condoms until you both have cleared the thrush problem. It has nothing to do with hiv.

If you cannot accept your negative hiv status, then perhaps it's time to seek counselling. We cannot help you with your irrational thoughts here.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline sadandlonely

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2011, 04:19:25 PM »
Thank you both for your speedy reply! Although your words give me a little comfort, it wont stop me from getting tested repeatedly. Counselling may not be such a bad idea, Ann, as ive been told that im negative up to 7 times and cant move past it. I've read other posts like mine, and you'll be glad to know that i wont keep on with the "what if" questions for 3 pages. I know if i become positive, there is  a place for me here, but until then, thank you for the good news...

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2011, 08:21:38 AM »
Sad,

The only way you are going to become positive is if you go out and have unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with persons of unknown or positive hiv status. Unprotected anal and vaginal intercourse are the only proven sexual risks for hiv infection.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!!!

Please do seek counselling and stop wasting resources testing over a virus you have already been proven not to have. You don't have to live your life with this constantly on your mind - seek counselling to learn how to stop thinking these irrational thoughts.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline sadandlonely

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2011, 07:16:11 PM »
Thank you for your support. Im from a small town in the midwest, so its not like i can tell my fellow church goers about my night in the city. Its a combination of guilt and religion that has me so worried. I know im not damned to hell but my religion says otherwise... Thank you again

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2011, 08:59:01 AM »
Sad,

Religion? Don't get me started on religion. Religion is responsible for the majority of the stigma we positive people face. Hiv is not a punishment from God, unlike your pastor would probably like you to believe. Don't let myth and parable rule your life.

Get counselling. Even in the Bible belt there are health care professionals who won't brow-beat you with God.

You do not have hiv. Thank your lucky stars and get on with your life.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline sadandlonely

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2011, 03:42:25 PM »
I need help! i need to speak with someone! is anyone willing to speak on the phone???

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,402
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2011, 04:03:34 PM »
We cannot provide that kind of service. Have you spoken with your doctor and asked for a referral?

Perhaps you can reach a support service/hot line at some city near where you live.
Andy Velez

Offline sadandlonely

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2011, 12:47:41 AM »
i dont have a doctor. i dont have insurance. i dont have anyone. i cant do this anymore! i cant stop crying, i cant function i cant do anything. i need help

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: i cant shake the fear
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2011, 01:07:12 AM »
i dont have a doctor. i dont have insurance. i dont have anyone. i cant do this anymore! i cant stop crying, i cant function i cant do anything. i need help

Wow. Stop. Just. Stop.

You need to seriously get a grip. I get that you have an irrational fear of HIV. And that you are lonely, and scared, and in a small town. But you have not only the internet but the RESOURCES on the internet to find a local counselor that works on a sliding scale. You certainly found this place, though you seem to have disregarded not only the factual assessments here, but the entire purpose of this section of the forums.

This section was carved out to stop people from going into this support forum for HIV infected individuals and pestering them about symptoms and risks, which especially impacts the newly diagnosed who need time and patience to become OK with that diagnosis.

This forum is run almost entirely by HIV positive people.

Many of us have been positive for decades. We have chosen to immerse ourselves with the latest and most up to date first tiered, peer-reviewed scientific information available regarding HIV transmission. And we deliver assessment based on that.  We cite studies, we back up our comments with facts, we rely on the science.

Many of us have been in relationships, sometimes very long term, with HIV negative people. And our partners have not been infected because we KNOW the science. And we behave accordingly.

HIV is NOT your problem. Being scared and lonely in a small midwestern town might be. And that is far, far beyond our ability to help.

I urge you to use this machine, whatever glittering white screen presents itself to you this moment, and search. SEEK OUT the help you need. It really is out there.

My partner of five years grew up in Dalton, Kansas. And if they make a half-horse town, thats it. But he came out ok. True, mainly because he was honest with his family and friends, and eventually moved to a larger city. Also because he met me, and I am awesome.

Thing is, no one can fix you but yourself. No one can make you less lonely except yourself. That fear and anxiety you are throwing into an HIV infection you cannot possibly have? That's a message from your heart to your brain about your own sexuality. Listen to it. Get help to do so if you need to.

That help, tragically, can't be found here. We haven;t the credentials and we certainly haven't the time it would take. You need to seek out the real help you need.

You need to BE that change you so desperately want in your life.

I wish you the best. I hope that you wish yourself that, too.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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