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Author Topic: The Love Of My Life  (Read 1661 times)

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Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
The Love Of My Life
« on: May 28, 2011, 05:17:07 PM »
(This is a repost of something written a couple of years ago.  For B.)


The Love Of My Life


So here you are out of nowhere. I've come to learn that it's usually like that. You don't float in on the tail of a sad song or emotional movie. It isn't when the skies go gray and the showers pour down. It's times just like today...me strolling placidly down the road on a gorgeous, warm summer evening. The air is sweet with honeysuckle, and the waning sun's gold dappled light is poured over the hillsides. And I am happy here as I bend down at the side of the road and clap my hands, laughing as I watch my puppy come charging through the grass to jump up in my arms.

It's here that you return so very unexpectedly. I wish you were physically here with me at this moment. I wish you could feel how perfect the air is. I wish you could meet my little Lola Bear. I just know you'd love her. I wish you could share in the happiness of such simple moments as this, but the only way that is possible now is through me in memory. I wish that I could have found a way to impart this ability to you, this power to squeeze out enough happiness from just what is around you to - well...just to keep going, I suppose. For myself, I wish that I could truly say now (some nine months later) that I was completely at peace with your passing and the manner in which you left, but I'm not and I don't imagine that I ever will be. Not totally. Even weighed against my most painful life experiences and deepest moments of personal despair, your departure still comes from a place that is darker than I've known, a place just still a bit beyond the reach of my comprehension. Whatever finality it brought you, your decision offered no such grace to those around you. Something about your leaving will always feel unresolved for us. You may rest in peace, but your memory does not.

A sudden lick to my face brings me around to myself again. I realize that I've been crouched right here in the road lost in thought for some time. I find my footing again as a little breeze whispers across my face, and with it the honeysuckle. Lola is jumping insistently up to my waist as she demands my attention, and a chuckle erupts from down inside. And despite this heavy little mental hole I had just unexpectedly fallen into, I've crawled back out. And I am happy again to be here in this perfect summer evening. I have very little in this world, but just these - the licks, the light, the warm air, the honeysuckle...they are still enough for me. Enough to keep going. Enough to want to.

So I snap my fingers in signal to Lola and we continue our westward walk toward the sunset.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Online Jeff G

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2011, 05:20:23 PM »
That is beautiful on so many levels . Thanks .

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2011, 05:34:32 PM »
Beauty.  Thank you for sharing, Tim.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline BT65

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2011, 05:59:35 PM »
Big {{HUGS}} to you Tim. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Bucko

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2011, 06:29:46 PM »
Fearless and sad and brilliant in such a wonderfully poetic way without recourse to verse: I knew you were gifted but rarely have your gifts been so prominently displayed.

I can thank you for allowing us a peek at the mask that hides the pain as well as the obvious anguish that lay underneath, but it sounds like a platitude (which I loathe). Grief expressed without pathos is no easy task, neither is optimism couched in loss; yet somehow you made it look much easier than it most assuredly was.

I'm not sure if such things are permitted here, but a cross-post in the Memoriam forum would seem in order; here in OT is gets the attention it deserves, there it would add character and depth without any morose self-pity or beatification of the honoree in question.

I am honored to call you my friend, sir.   
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2011, 07:46:56 PM »
Very moving.

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2011, 06:34:40 AM »
Very moving!  Thanks Tim.

Offline anniebc

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #7 on: May 29, 2011, 06:39:12 AM »
Thanks for sharing Tim

{{{Hugs}}}

Aroha
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Joe K

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2011, 01:55:00 PM »
Stunning in both concept and execution.  Thank you for sharing.

Offline Theyer

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2011, 05:53:59 PM »
Thank you.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2011, 05:29:03 PM »
Thanks, Tim.

Lovely.
Andy Velez

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2011, 06:44:35 PM »
sigh

Offline MarkB

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2011, 01:49:47 AM »
That is very beautiful - thank you.

Offline Buckmark

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Re: The Love Of My Life
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2011, 06:32:47 PM »
I sense your deep connection with and loss of whom has passed, and still your deep appreciation of where you are in this moment. 
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

 


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