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Author Topic: In a very dark place.....  (Read 16939 times)

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Online Jeff G

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #50 on: May 16, 2011, 02:57:54 PM »
 
     For what it's worth though guys and gals, I'm am ok. 

   Thomas
   

   

   

That's worth allot Thomas  ;D .

I experienced the same problem when I was in a cirsis once . I found plenty of doctors willing to prescribe antidepressants but very little in the way of talk therapy , it was very frustrating and the timing couldn't have been worse . I hope you keep searching for what you need and begin to feel better .

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #51 on: May 16, 2011, 03:22:25 PM »
Thanks Pete for sharing your experience.   You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself.  It's hard to explain.  I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills.  It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.


Personally, I tend to think of the ignoring as symptomatic of the illness itself - in the way that self-medicating is also often symptomatic.  At least it was for me.  On one particular day in memory, I sat with a phone book open to listings for mental health professionals for an entire day - and the sun still set without a single one ever being called.  A counselor who helped me tremendously once described it this way:  Depression, as a condition, feeds on itself and tries to sustain itself.

It will be a destructive force in every aspect of your life if left untreated.  It's just the natural progression of the disease.  I'm not a professional, of course.  I'm just someone who has been through it, and that is how it seems to me.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline SunnyFlorida

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #52 on: May 16, 2011, 04:27:02 PM »
Personally, I tend to think of the ignoring as symptomatic of the illness itself - in the way that self-medicating is also often symptomatic.  At least it was for me.  On one particular day in memory, I sat with a phone book open to listings for mental health professionals for an entire day - and the sun still set without a single one ever being called.  A counselor who helped me tremendously once described it this way:  Depression, as a condition, feeds on itself and tries to sustain itself.

It will be a destructive force in every aspect of your life if left untreated.  It's just the natural progression of the disease.  I'm not a professional, of course.  I'm just someone who has been through it, and that is how it seems to me.

I've been in just about the same situation - only it was a webpage with a listing of psychiatric services in my area that took Medicare. It was also the same day, New Year's Eve 2010, that I attempted to overdose on prescription painkillers. I ended up waking up with a head full of pain and regret the next morning, on January 1st, 2011. What thunter34 said about it feeding on itself is absolutely true. Misery loves company. And the company has overstayed their welcome... Time to kick them out!

As always, I hope for the best for you, Thomas.

Offline denb45

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #53 on: May 16, 2011, 04:34:42 PM »
I think you'll be ok Tomas, it takes a man to admit this, and a bigger one to acknowledge any of it, like you PANIC &  ANXIETY has hunted me for many yrs. I take meds for this, but I know it's only a short term fix
it still makes me angry about what you have to pay for this HELP  ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Snowangel

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #54 on: May 16, 2011, 04:49:02 PM »
Skeeb-
I am sorry you are going through so much shit trying to talk to someone.  I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better!!  That is good news indeed!!
Keep your head up

J
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #55 on: May 17, 2011, 08:48:29 AM »
Dear Thomas,

I have just come across the thread, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Keep searching for the help you will use to help get you back on track and please no more suicide attempts, From the time I joined the forums I loved your humour and care realizing how hard won they are. When you started nurse training it fitted so well. So I hope that things are calmer, gentler and you are working towards having the constructive life you have fought to establish.
One love
Michael theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Denver Toad

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #56 on: May 17, 2011, 12:51:25 PM »
Quote
and my temper???  It's 0-60 with no in between..

How I've missed this until now...???

Thomas the temper from zero to sixty is one I can relate to. It's my worst personality trait. (when in the throes of depression) Scares the shit outta me sometimes. Has me wondering at times, who's the guy in the mirror. What's perplexing is I'm as laid back as a man can be. So, for me, temper is my number one indices for depression. I take a couple of pills and worry less who is going to roll out of bed in the AM. Not that I like taking another pill though but the alternative is far worse.

Kudos for taking the steps to get this handled. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. 

 
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #57 on: May 17, 2011, 05:15:17 PM »


   Thanks Jeff, Tim, Dennis, and Snow for the support and kind words.

   
Dear Thomas,

I have just come across the thread, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Keep searching for the help you will use to help get you back on track and please no more suicide attempts, From the time I joined the forums I loved your humour and care realizing how hard won they are. When you started nurse training it fitted so well. So I hope that things are calmer, gentler and you are working towards having the constructive life you have fought to establish.
One love
Michael theyer

Thanks Theyer, that's very kind of you and to be honest I've always felt the same about you.

One love~ I & I

How I've missed this until now...???

Thomas the temper from zero to sixty is one I can relate to. It's my worst personality trait. (when in the throes of depression) Scares the shit outta me sometimes. Has me wondering at times, who's the guy in the mirror. What's perplexing is I'm as laid back as a man can be. So, for me, temper is my number one indices for depression. I take a couple of pills and worry less who is going to roll out of bed in the AM. Not that I like taking another pill though but the alternative is far worse.

Kudos for taking the steps to get this handled. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. 

DT,

It's the same thing here, I am a very laid back person... but when the anger hits, I smell blood and it's time to clear out..  The doctor did prescribe me Remeron which definitely helps with the anxiety, but does nothing for the temper.  I think that's where therapy and perhaps other things I've taken up will come into play, hopefully.

Thanks for sharing homie...
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #58 on: May 17, 2011, 07:06:03 PM »
Hey Skeebs -

I was on Remeron a few years back when I was going through a period of depression ----
it will give you the munchies --- I was on it for around 90 days --- with the help of a good therapist I was able to put somethings in place that helped me cope better with things going on -- the Remeron helped me to get over the hump.

Keepin you in my thoughts.

-Phil
 
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Theyer

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2011, 09:53:40 AM »
Hi Tomas

Re the anger and temper thing.
I have behaved in hospital in such a manner that the sound off nurses calling SUCURITY made me wonder if that was actually one off the names my parents gave me.

Fortunate for me another person who knew me always saved me.
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #60 on: May 18, 2011, 10:20:41 AM »
Oh yes, Remeron will make you blimp up -- then you'll be depressed that you're fat.  But at least it doesn't cause limp dick, and it makes you sleep like a baby.  Oddly it's more sedating at a lower dose than a higher one.

If you ever encounter the joys of HIV wasting it is useful. My first weekend taking it I ate half of a large apple pie, in addiction to two servings of dinner.  For a daily stoner like Thomas I'd say tread carefully on the carb intake.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #61 on: May 18, 2011, 06:33:51 PM »
Oh yes, Remeron will make you blimp up -- then you'll be depressed that you're fat.  But at least it doesn't cause limp dick, and it makes you sleep like a baby.  Oddly it's more sedating at a lower dose than a higher one.

If you ever encounter the joys of HIV wasting it is useful. My first weekend taking it I ate half of a large apple pie, in addiction to two servings of dinner.  For a daily stoner like Thomas I'd say tread carefully on the carb intake.

You ate half an apple pie over a weekend?  You're a lightweight... with this Remeron I can do a whole apple pie after polishing off a tub of KFC extra crispy and a gallon of sweet tea. 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #62 on: May 18, 2011, 07:02:00 PM »
You ate half an apple pie over a weekend?  You're a lightweight... with this Remeron I can do a whole apple pie after polishing off a tub of KFC extra crispy and a gallon of sweet tea.  

No, it was half of the pie in one sitting, as dessert after the large meal.  Some friends had me out to their country house and were alarmed at how much weight I'd lost so they were very happy to see me eating huge amounts.

I'd also make batches of cookie dough and just eat it without baking it.

These days I can make one serving of cake last for three desserts. And I only buy ice cream in pints and it often takes me weeks to finish it.  Give me a bag of Doritos though and I can eat all of them.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2011, 07:04:00 PM by Miss Philicia »
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline TexMo

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #63 on: May 18, 2011, 09:34:30 PM »
Hi,
I just want to remind you that you are not alone.  I feel like you describe feeling quite a lot of the time.  I know it's very hard.  We both have to remember that It Passes.  I came from a very big city with lots of support groups and other opportunities for us to interact with each other to the midwest where I am the only person I know living with HIV.  So I came here to try to develop an online support group.
If you don't have and you can, get a support group, a therapist, a support system of folks who, if not HIV+, are at least HIV-educated.
I have been living with HIV for 21 years and, while it gets better, I have co-morbidities of depression and anxiety.  Right now I am battling anorexia nervosa.
I am a woman; I just stopped in here to try to widen my net of support.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #64 on: May 20, 2011, 09:19:32 AM »


  TexMo, thanks for the moving response.  If you ever need someone to talk to just PM me.  I hope things get better for you, anorexia nervosa is a serious condition to contend with. I hope you are getting the help you need.   I am glad you joined the forums, as you can tell it is a great place for support.  When you feel comfortable feel free to introduce yourself over in Living With, and check out the Women's Forum  which gives you the privacy amongst fellow ladies.

Sister, welcome to the forums.


I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


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