Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
April 18, 2014, 03:12:21 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 22214
  • Latest: chuff
Stats
  • Total Posts: 620215
  • Total Topics: 46730
  • Online Today: 254
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: In a very dark place.....  (Read 15560 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
In a very dark place.....
« on: May 08, 2011, 04:09:32 PM »


   The last two months have been a struggle.  This past week has been the worst.  I can't eat or sleep.  I try to stop thinking about the separation but it consumes my thoughts 24/7.  I've tried to get out, but all I want to do is crawl into my cave (home) and cry.

  This is a bad one... don't know exactly how I am going to manage this pain.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,639
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2011, 04:31:57 PM »
I'm thinking of you Tommy ....I know its easy to say this will pass but hang in there.

Lots o hugs......robt
« Last Edit: May 08, 2011, 04:37:21 PM by Robert »
..........

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2011, 07:23:25 PM »
Thomas,

Get thee to a doctor or therapist before the depression gets worse. There is a way through this but you won't find it on your own.

MtD

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,578
  • 'class' of '87
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2011, 08:09:53 PM »
Take care of yourself Thomas....we're all pulling for you.

HUGS my friend,

Alan   :-*
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 744
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2011, 08:14:02 PM »
hang in there brother, get help if you need it, no shame there

you've lent me your support a few times, and it was much appreciated
3/27/14 vl >300k cd4=9... plenty of room to improve

I'm walking kind of funny, Lord
Feel I'm fixing to die, fixing to die
Well, I don't mind dying
But I hate to leave my children crying

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,588
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2011, 08:20:13 PM »

        I hope you try and get out of the house .
         Please find someone to talk with .
        I am sorry you are feeling this way , Like Robert said " It will pass "
        That sounds cold . But know we are all here for you .

                                    All i can offer is a hug  :-*

                                                                             Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline HollyStar

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2011, 08:23:26 PM »
Oh Tom, I feel for ya. Women can be really strange sometimes can't they? I know, as I am one of them. I don't really know the situation here but I urge you to try and talk with someone about this. Letting your thoughts run 1000 miles per hour all the time isn't a good thing. Dwelling is getting you no where but I know if it were me, I would be wanting answers and explantions too. Sometimes we have to learn how to move forward without the answers we are desperate for. I hope I am making sense here. Just know that I feel for you and am also quite familiar with the deep wounds love can make. I'll be hoping for brighter days to come to you. Hugs
Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2011, 10:43:51 PM »
Thinking of you--- Please listen to the wise ol' Damned one -- he gives great advice here.  Don't take this on alone.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Online drewm

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,003
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2011, 10:49:40 PM »
(((HUGS THOMAS)))
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2011, 11:01:51 PM »
Tom, you will make it through this.  It is a difficult moment but you are going to get by.

A therapist is the ideal person to see at this moment, trust me on that.  Still, you know well that if ya need to talk you've got my number. 

Sending you a hug and wishing you well.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,250
  • His name is Carl.
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2011, 11:34:27 PM »
Hang in there, Thomas.  But MtD is right:  get to a therapist. 
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,620
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2011, 04:10:23 AM »
Yes, Thomas, please go see a counselor.  You need some emotional support besides us, and someone you can let it all out with.  It will pass, but it will pass easier if you see a professional.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2011, 08:20:39 AM »
Hope today is better, take care of yourself.
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,948
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2011, 08:24:04 AM »
Hey T -
You have a lot of support here - I definitely know that it can be hard and seem insurmountable.... and there is no pain like your own - so, I can only agree with many of the others here and say that you should go and talk with someone.  Therapy is actually the best gift you can give yourself.  You are definitely on my thoughts.  You have my number also, feel free to call (and of course, I will be giving you a call).

September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,180
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2011, 01:29:19 PM »
Hey Guy,

I have nothing to offer to make the pain subside. I just want you to know that no matter what you feel, you have my utmost support and if I can help in any way, please let me know. We both know that you need to find some help in dealing with this. True strength comes when we can admit that some things are beyond our ability to confront alone. This is one of those times, so be strong.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2011, 02:41:41 PM »
(((Skeebs)))  I am sorry you going through this.  I hope you can find someone to talk to, it helps alot to get it out in the open and off your chest.
To get yourself out of the house, are there places that you can take your doggy for a long walk down there?  Some days I rather just be with my dogs, it is amazing how unconditional love thier love can be and he might help to pull you through.
Be strong!!
XOXO
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Solo_LTSurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,176
  • Twerk Baby Twerk
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2011, 10:16:23 PM »
Skeebo:

I really can't offer anything to say as everyone else has pretty much said it all.  I hope that you are able to find your way back into the light soon.

And as you know, you have lots of support here.
don't equate intelligence with lack of masculinity
Jim Phelps, Mission Impossible
____________________________

Seroconverted: Early 80s
Tested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. 
Last regimen:  Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky ::))
Past regimens
Fun stuff (in the past):  HAV/HBV, crypto, shingles, AIDS, PCP

Jan 2012: 818/21%
Apr 2012: 964/22%
Jul. 2012: 890/21%
Oct. 2012: 920/23%

Still UD after all these years

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2011, 04:23:20 AM »
Take action.

It will only get worse if you don't. I have been there. Therapy saved my life.
Positive since 1985

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2011, 03:18:50 PM »
Talk to someone, mister.  And soon.  It doesn't get (consistently) better, otherwise. 

Offline lucas clay

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2011, 05:07:28 PM »
thomas
please take Matty's advice, he is wise.

so sorry to hear your going thru this, if you ever want to chat give me a ring. numbers still he same.
so very sorry bro

                                  Lucas

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2011, 06:12:42 PM »



   Thanks everyone for the concern and well wishes, trust that it is much appreciated.  I've been through despair before, but nothing like Sunday night.  It was as if something snapped.   My ex-wife from 16 years ago called the police... and I don't remember much.  They took me to a crisis center/mental ward about 75 miles away.

    I have some follow-up appointments with a psychologist next week.  Once again, thanks everyone.

    T

   
   
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline SunnyFlorida

  • Member
  • Posts: 176
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2011, 06:39:26 PM »
I'm sending hugs your way... Hoping for the best for you! As always, we are all here for you should you need anything.

Online drewm

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,003
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2011, 07:13:05 PM »
(((HUGS)))

Sending more hugs your way Thomas!  :-*
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,235
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2011, 07:22:17 PM »
I'm glad you are getting help Tom. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the pain is unbearable sometimes, but once you get through it...well, I know you've heard it before.

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 375
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2011, 09:28:25 PM »
Skeebo,

I agree with everyone else, find a shrink, it's helped me.  A big bowl of triple chocolate ice cream, and having that good cry can help too.
Michelle
A true gentleman hold the door for his woman.
Then he smacks her ass!
Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  %12

Offline OneTampa

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,032
  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2011, 09:55:13 PM »
Skeebo,

Wishing you the best.

Please take care of yourself.

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2011, 08:25:37 PM »
Tomas, I've been where you are before, this all came to a very bad head about 12 yrs ago, I ended up on 72 hour mental health hold, when I had a very bad melt-down, hang in there my man,    
 I can tell you this, it will get better, but it will also take some time as well
sending you out the love & support and healing your way  ;)   
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 23,848
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2011, 10:16:03 AM »
Thomas, you actually ARE getting through this even though it may feel overwhelming and all encompassing.

I've never found there is any easy solution. Just keep breathing and keep talking. Eventually this time is going to become history and you'll still be here.

Hugs and cheers, buddy.

 
Andy Velez

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2011, 09:53:14 AM »


     I thought the period after my diagnosis would rank as one of the most difficult times in my life, it pales in comparison to this.  While it may have been a catalyst to my current state, I am not so sure the separation is entirely to blame.  To be honest I think this is my depression left unchecked that has caused everything in my life to fall apart.  Not sure if I am making sense, my mind does not seem to work right yet.

     I wish they hadn't made the appointment for the therapist so far off, I hunger for answers right now... my short term memory is blitzed and I'm not sure what to make of it.

      And sadly, on Sunday night, I attempted suicide... this is just not me.  I can't really seem to figure it out yet.  I think I lost my mind.  I am still in a precarious situation and just trying to maintain for the time being.... but it is better I guess.

     I thank you all for the concern.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,017
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2011, 10:11:33 AM »

           And sadly, on Sunday night, I attempted suicide...

Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.

Or pick up the phone and call one of us.

Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. Just let them try to help get you through the moment so that you can live another day - so that your cure will be able to save you

Check out this site..http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm it's crisis intervention via email (in case you dont want to call someone)  until you can get a face to face with your therapist. why not send them an email now?

Please dont let it get to this point again.

We love you very very much.

-Will

« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 10:26:10 AM by WillyWump »
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #30 on: May 13, 2011, 10:23:20 AM »
Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.

Or pick up the phone and call one of us. Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

Please dont let it get to this point again.

We love you very very much.

-Will



I know Willy, I know....  humbly said: that was then, this is now....  I really can't form the thoughts as to the difference from where I was then and where I am now, but there is a difference...  I am working on it.

(((hugs)))
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Online Jeff G

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,240
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #31 on: May 13, 2011, 10:27:21 AM »
Hang in there buddy ... like Willy said , you can call me any time day or night . 

Offline PeteNYNJ

  • Member
  • Posts: 979
  • When life gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS!
    • Dance for Me, Puppets
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #32 on: May 13, 2011, 10:46:11 AM »
Skeebs

Sending my support and hugs.  Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself.  With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape.  It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually  the way most people go which compounds the problem. 

Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear.  I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911.  I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.

PM me if you need to talk more about it.  I have been there.

Pete

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #33 on: May 13, 2011, 11:24:18 AM »
Tomas, suicide isn't the answer, think of what that would do to your family, they just won't get any answers as to why, I have some drugs I can take if things get too WIRED for me, when the walls start to close-in on me, I got my BENZO'S and TRAZODONE, they are not antidepressants, as those are what lead to me having a melt-down, if you can try to get your appointment moved up sooner, it's worth a try, wishing you all the love and healing your way, please take care of YOU Tomas, right now that is of the utmost importance  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,639
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #34 on: May 13, 2011, 11:35:44 AM »
tomas.....

Wish I had the magic words but for now lots of x's and o'

robt
..........

Offline SunnyFlorida

  • Member
  • Posts: 176
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #35 on: May 13, 2011, 11:47:40 AM »
Thomas,

There's really nothing new I can add that hasn't already been said. We are all here for you should you need us. No doubt any one of us would be more than willing to talk anytime you need, and based on personal experience, calling 911 helped tremendously, so please keep that in mind. Sending hugs and love your way!
« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 04:54:13 PM by SunnyFlorida »

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,250
  • His name is Carl.
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #36 on: May 13, 2011, 12:42:47 PM »
Yes, your post above makes a lot of sense to me.  Unchecked depression can - and often will - do just that.

I'll join the others:  hang in there, T.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #37 on: May 13, 2011, 01:43:01 PM »
Hey

I Have a great way to remember to put an H in THomas' name forever more.

H can stand for Hugs and wHole lot of us are sending tHem your way.

Fruity Old THang

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #38 on: May 13, 2011, 01:52:16 PM »
Hey

I Have a great way to remember to put an H in THomas' name forever more.

H can stand for Hugs and wHole lot of us are sending tHem your way.

Fruity Old THang

I think Dennis is trying to bring out my Latin influence from Miami is all.....  mi llamo es Thomas'... es facil, no?

Hugs back at you Em...
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #39 on: May 13, 2011, 02:05:38 PM »
Skeebs

Sending my support and hugs.  Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself.  With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape.  It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually  the way most people go which compounds the problem. 

Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear.  I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911.  I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.

PM me if you need to talk more about it.  I have been there.

Pete

Thanks Pete for sharing your experience.   You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself.  It's hard to explain.  I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills.  It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #40 on: May 13, 2011, 02:27:50 PM »
I think Dennis is trying to bring out my Latin influence from Miami is all.....  mi llamo es Thomas'... es facil, no?

Hugs back at you Em...

 :-* it's my urban nor-cali latino & Black influence I guess  ;D sup homey  ;)
« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 02:31:17 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline SunnyFlorida

  • Member
  • Posts: 176
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #41 on: May 13, 2011, 04:55:56 PM »
:-* it's my urban nor-cali latino & Black influence I guess  ;D sup homey  ;)


(hope this  at least brought a smirk to your face, Thomas. :D)

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,180
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #42 on: May 13, 2011, 06:41:04 PM »
Thanks Pete for sharing your experience.   You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself.  It's hard to explain.  I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills.  It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.

Maybe you ignored it, because you were just not ready to hear the truth. I have been where you are now and all that matters now, is for you to find some help and go from there. We both know that suicide solves nothing, however it is a powerful call for help. You know that you don't feel right, mentally and that is always a good sign, because you realize that you still have control. Right now, you just need to be good to you and do things that bring you joy. Tommy, it's time to drop the world from your shoulders, even only for awhile and take care of you. I really feel for you, as I know how black the darkness can become. But you have stepped back from the darkness and you need to find some help, before you return to discover the source of the darkness.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,620
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #43 on: May 14, 2011, 07:24:33 AM »
Thomas, please take Wumpy's advice about calling 911, or doing that online thing.  We don't want to lose you, especially to suicide.

I've attempted suicide.  I've got the scars on my arms to prove it.  My mother, rest her soul, actually found me, and she told me she started cleaning me up (there was blood everywhere) while waiting for the paramedics to get there.  She did get tested after that.

But the thing is, it affected my daughter, and my family and friends in a pretty nasty way.  It took a lot of apologizing on my part, and took a bit of time, before people trusted me again (I don't know if that makes sense).  Especially my daughter, it left her feeling empty, and like total shit.  And that wasn't fair.

Please get yourself some help sooner than your therapy appointment if need be.  I'm counting on this.

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #44 on: May 14, 2011, 07:52:34 AM »



   Thanks Betty

   Yesterday I called them to move the appointment up to Monday.  I thought it was for next Friday but it was actually on Wednesday as Rev Moon pointed out to me over the phone.  I can't wait that long....  so it is now on Monday.

   Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 375
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #45 on: May 14, 2011, 11:45:47 AM »
Skeebo,

    Hugs, love, kisses and good thoughts for you.
My grandma always told me that when I was feeling bad.

Michelle  8)
A true gentleman hold the door for his woman.
Then he smacks her ass!
Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  %12

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2011, 10:19:55 AM »



   Just awesome.

   I just got back from my 10 am appointment, and as one can tell by the time here on the east coast, it didn't happen.  As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session.   This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!

   I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend.  She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance.  That's the problem, I have insurance...  I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household.   And we don't qualify....

   I should have knocked the office's fancy waterfall rock display over.......

   No lie, but this is quite the let down... :(

   
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #47 on: May 16, 2011, 10:30:20 AM »
Tomas, is there anything your local ASO can do, it's worth a try  :)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,017
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #48 on: May 16, 2011, 12:55:31 PM »


     As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session.   This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!

   I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend.  She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance.  That's the problem, I have insurance...  I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household.   And we don't qualify....

      

UTTER BULLSHIT!

The greatest Nation on Earth (or at least we used to be), and we let this crap happen? ugggghhh!

I'm not sure how all this works Thomas, but like Den said, can you call your ASO and relay all this to them?
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: In a very dark place.....
« Reply #49 on: May 16, 2011, 02:46:04 PM »



    Negative on the ASO, there are none in my area and all pozzies without insurance use the local health department like I use to.   My wife and I make too much annually to qualify for any sort of assistance while not making enough to pay for it on our own, even with insurance. (i'm currently unemployed)

    And the matter of me not working right now, well.... doesn't matter, because her income still counts towards the household because we are married. 

    So I plan on doing what I've been doing for the last week, getting out more, staying busy and looking for work.  I've also sought guidance through another source, and have gained some insight on things through that.

   But, while I know I am a good person, I have many issues I have always wanted answers to and I thought this was going to be a road of discovery of sorts perhaps.  I have no answers to this ticking clock of anxiety that has haunted me all my life...  and my temper???  It's 0-60 with no in between..

   Dunno, it is what it is I guess.

   For what it's worth though guys and gals, I'm am ok. 

   Thomas
   

   

   
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.