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Author Topic: HIV is nothing.......  (Read 4290 times)

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Offline Lora

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  • Posts: 23
HIV is nothing.......
« on: May 04, 2011, 03:56:46 PM »
I've suffered with mental health problems all my life, I had a bad childhood mostly due to my mother's mental state which didn't give me the upbringing I needed to be a functioning human being. I was in and out of hospital and institutes from 14 and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at 20.

I never really knew much about HIV before I was infected last year but I knew it was pretty bad so now i'm unfortunate to have the 2 most stigmatised diseases there are - lucky me.

I haven't yet had any problems due to HIV - my last CD4 was great but I can't help feeling that this disease is nothing compared to the mental problems I have. I don't know how anyone else with mental problems feels but if I had a choice between my mental illness and full blown AIDS I would pick the latter, that or terminal cancer.

Dying a horrible death would be so much easier than the torture and pain I go through every second of every day.

Sorry to be so down, my new years resolution to be more positive just hasn't worked!!


Hope you all are well
Lora xxxxx


Offline hope4love

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • Every Problem has a Solution.
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2011, 12:40:31 AM »
Hi Lora

Sorry to hear of your difficult child hood, mentalhealth problems and your recent HIV. Agree both mental health problems and HIV have an attachment of social stigma and discrimination. Though I have not had any mental health problems but have seen close friends and relatives suffer from Schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive neurosis, mania etc   they don't know who they are and what they are doing which is pretty bad and it's difficult for them to manage themselves and even for families to handle. Its good that you are thinking positive and overcoming your mental health issues if you could do that HIV is pretty easy to manage all my yourself and I am sure you will work that out. Just keep thinking positive and remind yourself that you can over come all your problems and plan to implement the same if you think you can, you Can.

Cheers.
Jan 2009 - Sero Negative
Jan 2010 - Sero Positive
               CD4 - 275, VL - 18,000
Oct 2010 - CD4 - 241, Started - Vonavir; Oct 2011 - CD4 - 474;Jan 2012 - CD4-620; Aug 2012-CD4-600, VL- UD; Jan 2013 CD4-493, VL-72 IU/ml   (Blip)

Offline Joe K

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Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2011, 01:31:13 PM »
I've suffered with mental health problems all my life, I had a bad childhood mostly due to my mother's mental state which didn't give me the upbringing I needed to be a functioning human being. I was in and out of hospital and institutes from 14 and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at 20.

I never really knew much about HIV before I was infected last year but I knew it was pretty bad so now i'm unfortunate to have the 2 most stigmatised diseases there are - lucky me.

I haven't yet had any problems due to HIV - my last CD4 was great but I can't help feeling that this disease is nothing compared to the mental problems I have. I don't know how anyone else with mental problems feels but if I had a choice between my mental illness and full blown AIDS I would pick the latter, that or terminal cancer.

Dying a horrible death would be so much easier than the torture and pain I go through every second of every day.

Sorry to be so down, my new years resolution to be more positive just hasn't worked!!

Hope you all are well
Lora xxxxx

Hello Lora,

I am so sorry to hear that you suffer from HIV and mental health issues, as I have been living with both for decades. I empathize and I can understand the challenges that mental health issues can represent, however I can also tell you that there is hope and there is the real possibility that you can learn to control your mental health issues. I do not say this lightly, as I have clinical depression and have been taking various medications to mitigate my depression and I am a firm believer in the power of cognitive behavior therapy. Yet, even with these tools, nothing would have changed for me, unless I was able to change myself.

Through my years of therapy I have found great healing and more importantly I have discovered just who and what I am. I have discovered how thought processes can trap you into a vicious circle of projecting negative feelings, interpreting most feedback as negative and how this just fuels the cycle of tearing at your very fiber. I know the feelings that there must be something inherently wrong with me, because of my depression and HIV. Coming from a family that could not tolerate that I was gay, they were even more ashamed that I had mental health issues, because back then, it was assumed that mental health issues meant you were crazy. Besides, what would the family think?, if they knew you had depression. Then, when I tested poz in 1985, my parents all but gave up on me, as did most of my friends. I had become just another fag, with a gay disease, who was also crazy.

For far too long, I believed there were things about me, that would never change and fortunately I was very wrong... on all counts.

HIV tried to kill me, more times than I care to remember, but I'm still here. My depression has brought me to a place, with a loaded  gun in my mouth, yet I am still here. Being gay, has subjected me to more stigma than I could ever understand and yet, here I am. I share this with you Lora, because the only thing in life, that really matters, is how we see ourselves. For me, it was a very long road, to that understanding that what others thought did not matter, unless I allowed it to be. How others perceive or judge me, does not matter, because I know that I am enough and that I matter... to me and that will always be enough. I learned that nobody could make me feel, nor could they understand how my feelings were connected to my being. Most important for me, was realizing that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. It is our reaction to those feelings that can cloud our reality and that sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to feel, without the need to do anything about anything.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I want you to know that you can overcome this, because it is not your history that defines you, it is you. I urge you to find a therapist or counselor, who can help you in discovering your own issues, while providing you with tools to cope, especially when the darkness starts to close in. I want you to know that you do not have to live like this and you have done nothing wrong, so maybe, instead of seeing how awful you believe your life to be, you could discover just how special you are.

I hope this helps and if you ever need someone to talk with... you know where to find me.

Welcome to the forums.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 11,227
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2011, 02:59:28 PM »
Dear Lora.

You are making false comparisons.

First of all, you were infected last year.  Do you have access to medical care? If so, there is no threat of dying a horrible death by AIDS.  

I hear you that your mental problems are unbearable to live with.  I don't appreciate you saying you'd rather have terminal cancer or die of AIDS.  First of fall, I have sat with people dying of each of these and they are ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE DEATHS.

If the pain of a mental illness is unbearable, there is NO SOLUTION by saying you would rather have some other horrible disease.  Its simply insulting to those who died of AIDS and Cancer - no choice in the matter - bad luck.

If the mental disease is so horrible and the pain of living is too great, one would want to have a peaceful suicide.   A fantasy of having an exchange of mental suffferring for a horrible terminal disease - I don't get the logic whatsoever.   Pain is pain is pain.  Any disease can cause unbearable suffering to a particular person.  You don't have to compare the diseases.  
« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 04:17:26 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,334
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2011, 03:13:06 PM »
Dear Lora.

You are making false comparisons.

Hi Lora,

I think you are making A comparison and to me, a pretty logical comparison. And, it is yours to make. Mental illness, whether short-term, long-term or life-long is as it's labeled: mental    illness.

What I hope for you and every one of us on the forums and worldwide, poz, neg, or upside down...mental wellness or at a minimum enough wellness to be functional and have some true fun now and again.

Em

Offline Joe K

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Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2011, 04:24:20 PM »
Dear Lora.

You are making false comparisons.

First of all, you were infected last year.  Do you have access to medical care? If so, there is no threat of dying a horrible death by AIDS.  

I hear you that your mental problems are unbearable to live with.  I don't appreciate you saying you'd rather have terminal cancer or die of AIDS.  First of fall, I have sat with people dying of each of these and they are ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE DEATHS.

If the pain of a mental illness is unbearable, there is NO SOLUTION by saying you would rather have some other horrible disease.  Its simply insulting to those who died of AIDS and Caneer - no choice in the matter - bad luck.

If the mental disease is so horrible and the pain of living is too great, one would want to have a peaceful suicide.   A fantasy of having an exchange of mental suffferring for a horrible terminal disease - I don't get the logic whatsoever.   Pain is pain is pain.  Any disease can cause unbearable suffering to a particular person. You don't have to compare the diseases.  

It is obvious that you do not suffer from mental illness, because if you did, you would understand just how offensive your reply really is. Mental illness involves a chemical imbalance within the brain, as well as cognitive issues, that have nothing to do with logic. The issue is not that logic fails, it is the fact that logic rarely has anything to do with mental illness. It's a breakdown of the thought process that is incredibly complex and even more difficult to control. It is not something we can "snap" out of, or logically remove ourself from the impacts and only someone who has never suffered from it, could make the cold remarks you have.

Lora came here expressing "her" thoughts and what you "think" of her expressing herself, is irrelevant and incredibly insulting. This is her thread, where she is expressing herself and if you don't like what she is saying, then just move on. You see, it is people who think like you, who make the world so hard for those of us who DO suffer from mental illness. How dare you come into a thread and tell an OP, what she should feel. Especially regarding a disease with which you have no personal experience.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2011, 04:27:30 PM »
Mental illness is real and painful.

It makes no sense to rank illnesses that cause unbearable suffering. Thats all Im saying. 

I feel bad for anyone sufferring from any disease.

I have accompanied a number of people through terminal illnesses.

This is a forum dedicated to HIV AIDS.  AIDS is a horrible death.  I stand by my comments. They are not meant to hurt people and the OP, suffering from mental illness.  If the OP is hurt by my comment, I apologize.




« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 04:32:31 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,302
  • His name is Carl.
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2011, 04:33:39 PM »
Mental illness is real and painful.
It makes no sense to rank illnesses that cause unbearable suffering.
Thats all Im saying.
I feel bad for anyone sufferring from a disease.
I have accompanied a number of people through terminal illnesses.

This is a forum dedicated to HIV AIDS.

HIV is not "nothing".  Stand by my comments. They are not meant to hurt people and the OP, suffering from mental illness.  If the OP is hurt by my comment, I apologize.

I was just about to hit click on a different response to you, M.  This has tempered my response a bit, but I still have to say that I get the OP's statement.

I have stated myself before that between the two, I think my mental health issues have been more diabolical than the HIV, and that the latter is actually a spawn of the former.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2011, 04:36:39 PM »
Yes I do very much understand that HIV when it is a manageable disease it is just that, manageable.

The OP said she would rather be dying of AIDS or terminal cancer than suffering from mental anguish.

To me, unbearable suffering from any disease is just that - unbearable.  Thus it makes no sense saying one is preferable or easier than another.  

HIV is NOT AIDS/Death.   

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Joe K

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Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2011, 04:42:17 PM »
You still don't get it and most probably never will. It is not your place to tell others how to feel. It is not your place to criticize how others feel, when they are simply expressing their feelings. What you think, will not change how she feels, so rather than telling her how she should feel, you should just keep your mouth shut.

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,302
  • His name is Carl.
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2011, 04:45:55 PM »
Yes I do very much understand that HIV when it is a manageable disease it is just that, manageable.

The OP said she would rather be dying of AIDS or terminal cancer than suffering from mental anguish.

To me, unbearable suffering from any disease is just that - unbearable.  Thus it makes no sense saying one is preferable or easier than another.  

HIV is NOT AIDS/Death.   



OK.  Good.  Duly noted.  Your position is logged on the record.

Now the rest of us who get the spirit of what the OP is saying would like to proceed with helping her if we can.

Thank you for your time and contribution, OK?
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 11,227
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2011, 04:46:56 PM »
I expressed how I feel about terminal illnesses.

People suffering on their death beds dont compare and rank suffering of the different diseases.

I didn't come in here for a flame war with others so I retire from this thread.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline denb45

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  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2011, 04:48:46 PM »
Well if it's not AIDS, it's Mental Health, side-effects of Meds or a whole host of other things, even old age in  my case, I keep having more issues with aging and falling apart, it's trifacta  for me sometimes, but I do the best can to deal with all of it, I haven't hurt anyone or myself due to any of this, so, I deal.....
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,036
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2011, 04:50:49 PM »
You still don't get it and most probably never will. It is not your place to tell others how to feel. It is not your place to criticize how others feel, when they are simply expressing their feelings. What you think, will not change how she feels, so rather than telling her how she should feel, you should just keep your mouth shut.

Powerful words indeed. As I have suggested before, we all own a piece of this bug and our opinions regarding it are subjective and shaped by our own, individual, understanding of it and that which shapes our lives. If you don't like it, go read the off-topic forum, there are some great pictures there. As for me, I welcome the opinions of others who I share this bug with and sometimes...I learn something.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline Joe K

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Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2011, 04:54:32 PM »
I expressed how I feel about terminal illnesses.

People suffering on their death beds dont compare and rank suffering of the different diseases.

I didn't come in here for a flame war with others so I retire from this thread.

My intent was not to start a flame war, I was only trying to enlighten you that just because someone "feels" something, does not make it wrong, nor does it mean it is also what they "believe". And if you cannot grasp the difference, then I simply cannot help you.

modified to add: My real issue with your posting in this thread, is nobody asked you how you feel about terminal illness as this is not your thread. This thread has nothing to do with you or me personally and it is insensitive for you to try and make the thread about how you feel about terminal illness. Now do you get it?
« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 04:59:11 PM by killfoile »

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,302
  • His name is Carl.
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2011, 04:55:12 PM »
I expressed how I feel about terminal illnesses.

People suffering on their death beds dont compare and rank suffering of the different diseases.

I didn't come in here for a flame war with others so I retire from this thread.


And for this, I thank you.  It was the right call.

For the record, I want to say that I on a certain level I understand your initial reaction.  But I understand the OP's, too...and her's has to supercede yours in this case.  It just does.

Thank you.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2011, 04:59:44 PM »

And for this, I thank you.  It was the right call.

For the record, I want to say that I on a certain level I understand your initial reaction.  But I understand the OP's, too...and her's has to supercede yours in this case.  It just does.

Thank you.

 :-*
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: HIV is nothing.......
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2011, 05:15:02 PM »
Sorry to be so down, my new years resolution to be more positive just hasn't worked!!


Hope you all are well
Lora xxxxx

Please don't feel the need to apologize.  I think it was a positive thing by merely being brave enough to post about your feelings, so your resolution remains intact.   I agree with you, mental anguish suffered trumps everything else.

And I hope anyone else who doesn't get it keeps differing opinions to themselves.

Lora...  I hope you are well.

Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


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