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tested positive yesterday

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mark06:

hi to everyone.

i'm 20 and 6 weeks ago i had a one time experimenative gay experience. after about 2 week i started getting the flu like symptoms- swollen glands, headache, sore throat, eventually fever and fatigue. i was away travelling over this period by myself and started to become really concerned. i checked out the net and all signs pointed to a possible hiv infection. i was in and out of clinics over the window period, worried sick about what symtoms i would get next. they told me however that the risk was quite low since this was a one off and that the other guy didn't ejaculate in me.

it was a very dark time mentally, since these symtoms never let me stop worrying. it was already a part of my existence.  i only prayed that it was something else, knowing that it was not in my hands anymore. i went to a big waterfall at dawn and prayed out loud. i said please dont let me have it. but a voice came back in my mind that you have it and this is your new test.

i live with my parents and little sister and was so upset at the prospect of coming home to them with this in my mind. they were so pleased i was home, but i was hiding a big thing from and i was concerned at how it might devestate them.

i know it's bad, but at the peak of my fever and fatigue, i thought to myself i am never going to feel like this again. if i get better i'll live my life as fully as possible but when i go down hill again.i'll end it. i had read details about the side effects of meds that made me think that that was not what i wanted.i'm sorry for saying stuff like that, but these were my thoughts. and they are not entirely out of my head.

so to bring it to the present. i got tested yesterday (sept 11th of all days!) and the doctor said that the test was 'reactive'. she said that they test for a cross section of viruses and that it looks likely that i have it. i am a little confused about this business of what she is saying and am going back anyway today to the clinic to see the people there.

i still have a slight sore throat, temperature and headache. this is really concerning because i fear that these might be an indication that i will go down hill at a fast rate. it is so scary. the issue of time.
the fact that it had manifested on my body already makes me take a less optimistic view of my prognosis.

i'm like a zombie now around my family. they are worried and i in a way want to tell them but on the other hand i don't want to devestate them. cut years off their life as well as mine. they know i've been going to the docs about something, but i doubt they would suspect this as the reason. how would my mum take it that i would have this at 20? i couldnt  do it to her. i have cried and i want someone to hug but there is no one who can do that right now. i told my friend i stayed with on my travels over the net, but they are so far away.

i suspected for this whole time i had symtoms that i had it, but today was the first day waking up with it with the confirmed fact. i can't accept it right now.  i do have anger too. i went to a clinic within 72 hours after infection and i have been told that they can give you emergency meds which they think prevent you seroconverting. i didnt know that right then and wasn't given anything. i feel like i could have been saved, but they didn't care.  i can't belive my bad luck and also feel angry at the person that gave it to me. he insisted he was negative, there was a condom used, but it broke. i was drunk that night, and i'm not a stupid person, but the drink made do a stupid thing.
the  sex didn't even last long. he wanted to ejaculate in me but i refused. what if he did really know and wanted to give it to me? i had thoughts of going back and ending that bastard.  again, i apologise for such thoughts but i want to be honest and open.

i have a job interview tomorrow for  a real good job (law)  and i want to be able to prepare for it and do well. i don't even know if i want to do this job now but in a way i just want to go to the interview and succeed in spite of this.

so hear i am right now. i'll go the clinic again later and will try today to think about my interview.

i hope i can make some friends on hear.

 :)

Matty the Damned:
so to bring it to the present. i got tested yesterday (sept 11th of all days!) and the doctor said that the test was 'reactive'. she said that they test for a cross section of viruses and that it looks likely that i have it. i am a little confused about this business of what she is saying and am going back anyway today to the clinic to see the people there.

Mark,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been informed of a positive test result. Before we go any further, have you had this result confirmed yet? Usually when an HIV antibody test (ELISA or EIA) returns a positive, a second test called Western Blot is performed to confirm that result. Then they do the whole set of tests over again just to make sure.

I think you're doing the right thing in going back to have this sorted out.

Hang in there doll.

Regards,

MtD

mark06:
hi matty and thanks fro replying. i will ask about getting the confirmation test today.

Matty the Damned:
That's the way luvvie. Good luck and be sure to keep us informed.

Fondly,

MtD

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