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Author Topic: I don't want this life.  (Read 33338 times)

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Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
I don't want this life.
« on: April 10, 2011, 09:12:23 PM »
I know that I have only myself to blame for the circumstances I am in.  After all, we are ultimately responsible for our actions and our lives.  But never could I have imagined this.  It's almost like a dream state.  A vicarious existence in an alternate reality.  

I feel like a failure.  I've let myself down and my family down.  Everything has changed.  My home, my plans, my aspirations, my thoughts, my feelings.  I've been rejected because of it.  I feel like I've ruined my opportunities and squandered my future.  My options have been reduced.  I'm tired from this constant fatigue.  I lack the energy anymore.  I used to have ambition.  Now I'm debating whether or not it's even worth it.  My goals that once motivated me now seem so out-of-reach.  I went through so much just to get to where I was.  To climb from the bottom to the top, only to be knocked back down again.  Everything seems so pointless now.  I wanted my family to be proud of me.  Proud of the direction I was heading in and of the life I was living.  Now the shame and humiliation is just too much.  I don't claim to be a visionary, but all I see is pain and isolation.  We only get one life, and it seems as though I've done a good job of ruining mine.  It's unbearable to live with a mistake that never goes away.  Always reminding you of your inadequacies.  I don't want to die.  But I don't want this life either.  I'd rather go to sleep, and just never wake up.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2011, 09:29:40 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2011, 09:58:00 PM »
yo dpb,

it takes time and give yourself that time. and by it takes time i mean the mental adjustment to your hiv status takes time. you are very young and you caught your hiv at a good time. with medication and the proper attitude there is nothing that can stand in the way of your dreams.

please understand this, with every decision comes consequences, and with action comes reaction. it is up to you to deal with these in a way that will help you get to where you need to be in life. to be honest, your life is far from over. your dreams are far from sunk. continue pursuing them when you have the strength.

you are not a failure. you are a person living with hiv. some things will change. and most others will not. you have changed your aspirations and your future view. and only you can reclaim them. if i were you i would do so as soon as possible. having dreams and a positive trajectory allows us to steer our lives towards a desirable goal. right now is not forever (your emotions and mental state) and your feelings of despair can abate.

your options have been reduced, but not greatly. the fatigue will pass. it passed for me and a lot of other people. there is an adjustment period and you are going through it. and i can tell you this, your life is worth it, it is worth living, it is definitely worth it. take care of your head now and seek out your priorities again in the near future.

yes, life is a rollercoaster. we are on top one day and on the bottom the next. these experiences often give our life definition and make all those sweet precious moments more awesome. continue forward after you have given yourself time to adjust to this.

you own the shame and humiliation. no one else. and once you get past it no one can make you feel inferior or shameful. as many of the others here will tell you, it is only a virus. viruses happen. they do not define us.

hey man, sleep on it for a few and come back to us. reasses things and sort them out. there are tons of good things worth shooting for and they are most likely the same things as before.

it took me a while to get to a better place mentally and it was not easy. with the right support group ( i <3 these forums) and healing things will get better again.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,393
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2011, 08:31:29 AM »
Hey, DPB.

Sounds like you're having one of those low periods that happen. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're still pretty new to living with HIV. It takes time to get adjusted. Yah, you maybe feeling knocked down right now. That is going to pass. It's essential that you be taking good care of your health.

I don't know where you are writing from. Maybe look into whether there are support groups in your area? There is a world of support there and in here as well. I encourage you to keep talking and sharing here. 

Those feelings you have about yourself and failure and disappointment -- well there's a lot more to you than that and in other moments I know you will realize/remember that. So put the whips away. You're just a guy, a human being doing the best you can. And you don't have to do it alone.

Cheers.   
Andy Velez

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2011, 12:29:01 AM »
I know that I have only myself to blame for the circumstances I am in.  After all, we are ultimately responsible for our actions and our lives.  But never could I have imagined this.  It's almost like a dream state.  A vicarious existence in an alternate reality.  

I feel like a failure.  I've let myself down and my family down.  Everything has changed.  My home, my plans, my aspirations, my thoughts, my feelings.  I've been rejected because of it.  I feel like I've ruined my opportunities and squandered my future.  My options have been reduced.  I'm tired from this constant fatigue.  I lack the energy anymore.  I used to have ambition.  Now I'm debating whether or not it's even worth it.  My goals that once motivated me now seem so out-of-reach.  I went through so much just to get to where I was.  To climb from the bottom to the top, only to be knocked back down again.  Everything seems so pointless now.  I wanted my family to be proud of me.  Proud of the direction I was heading in and of the life I was living.  Now the shame and humiliation is just too much.  I don't claim to be a visionary, but all I see is pain and isolation.  We only get one life, and it seems as though I've done a good job of ruining mine.  It's unbearable to live with a mistake that never goes away.  Always reminding you of your inadequacies.  I don't want to die.  But I don't want this life either.  I'd rather go to sleep, and just never wake up.

When I read your story it was, as if, I had written it.  I know what your going thru, the guilt, The shame for "letting yourself and your family down", the feeling like a failure, the feeling like you waisted the life you were given.  I also feel all of that.  I wish I could offer some kind of wisdom that could say to take these feelings away.  No one should have to endure these thoughts and feelings.  I have wished that I could go into a deep sleep permanently and I let myself get to the point that I could not trust myself. 

I hope one day I will find the solution for me and I pray that you will too.  I know this does not change what your feeling, but know that your not alone.  I waited too long before seeking help.  It cost me 72 hours of my life and freedom.  Being watched and told when and where I could eat, drink, smoke.  I was allowed 1 five minute call per day after the first 48 hours.  I felt like a criminal.  Please don't let it get to that point.  So many people here, begged me to seek help and I waited till it was almost too late.  I am now seeking help in changing my thought patterns and I pray I will find someone that can help me accomplish this goal.

Best of luck to you.

   

Offline BigDaneDogs

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
  • Obviously does NOT like my FB pic.
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2011, 03:17:04 AM »
My experience included sitting on the curb infront of my townhouse in handcuffs prior to being taken to the hospital mental ward for threatening to kill myself.  Then off to the "crazy farm" to get to live with all kinds of people you NEVER wanted to be around at ANY time in your life and this was all 16 years into my dx.  We all have those times and they are HORRIBLE ---- BUT ---- they do pass!!!!!!!  You life is NOT over.  I lost everything I'd worked all my life.  Like yourself, I went from the top of the world to the depths of the gutter but I vowed that I WOULD RETURN!!!!!  It was my challenge to myself to see if I could make it again.  I'd done it once but was I enough of a person to do it again?  It was my motivation to prove the HIV wrong that drove me to success again.  You too can prove HIV WILL NOT destroy you or your life.  Take it on as your personal challenge to yourself and fight like hell!!!!
BigDaneDog because I have two big Danes.
Member since 1993

Offline jb1973

  • Member
  • Posts: 68
  • To thine ownself be true
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2011, 12:59:37 PM »
DPB-
I know exactly how you are feeling right now.  I had/have the exact same feelings since my diagnosis last month.  I've had my good days, and my really really bad days, but, now my good days are far outweighing the bad days.  I too felt that I had let everyone down/disappointed them, even myself.  I remember a few weeks after my diagnosis, I was standing outside a bar having a cigarette and as I saw a semi coming down the street, I briefly thought of stepping out into traffic.  I though that would be the best way to do it, hopefully quick and painless.  Obviously I didnt take that step.  I kept thinking that I would be a bigger disappointment to myself, family, partner, if I took the easy way out.  You are right, we can only blame ourselves for the circumstances we are in now, but, it's in the past, there is nothing you can do it about it now.  I spent a lot of time asking myself a lot of what ifs.  Blaming myself. Beating myself up.  All of which does no good, because all of the blame, guilt, whatever, is not going to change anything.  I try not to think about how i got to where I am now, what's done is done and nothing I do now will change what i have done in the past.  I found reading through the forums helped me tremendously.  There is a wealth of information throughout this site.  You're life is only going to be over, options reduced, be a failure, IF YOU CHOOSE to live that way, or end up that way.  Think of what a disappointment you will or would be if you choose to give up now.  Don't give up, continue living.  Continue life.  It's difficult now, but, it does get better.   
??Infected - 08-09??
3/3/11-tested POZ
3/18/11 - CD4-534 VL-6,600
6/24/11 - CD4-642 VL-10,800
10/11 - CD4-580 33% VL-9,900
1/12 - CD4-602 ?% VL-9,700
3/12 - CD4-552 27% VL=10,684
8/12 - cd4-550 24% VL=9.865
Started Isentress/Truvada
10/12- CD4-613 31% VL=UD

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,335
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2011, 05:56:37 PM »
DPB

How are you and where are you?

Em

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2011, 10:19:24 PM »
Thank you to everyone for the replies.

How are you and where are you?

I'm ok.  I'm in the United States (the Pacific Northwest to be slightly more specific).  Like jb, I also have good days and bad days.  Some days are certainly easier than others.  I'm not giving up - far from it.  I know it gets easier with time and that life is really what you make it. 

I just wish I didn't have to make it the rest of my life with this disease.  I wish I could have my old life back.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,335
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2011, 08:11:11 AM »
Hi Dpb,

Thanks for letting us know how you are, and as to where you are...lucky you to be in one of the beautiful regions of the US. A place where you can walk and think and breathe lots of clean air.

I understand wanting your "old life" back---most of us here, positive or negative, have longing for a time or times past that were better for one reason, relationship,revenue or another. That's a natural part of being hit with this.

You're right, it will get easier (living with HIV) and it will still have its difficulties and annoyances.  You seem realistic about things. It likely won't be long before you add some new pursuits that will make that old life a blended part of your total life. And, you will be able to have some perspective. Early on, that is what we don't have...enough distance from the disease to give it the attention it requires, but not let it take over.

When was the last time you went for a relaxed hike?

Take good care of yourself.
Em




Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2011, 12:30:16 AM »
Hi dpb, hope you're doing better man.     Your post really struck a chord with me. The feeling of guilt and loss of self-esteem that HIV brings about is incomparable to any other medical condition that I can think of. I,  probably like most newly dx went through EXACTLY the same feelings as you. I just couldn't comprehend the enormity of the diagnosis.There were days and to be frank still are (but much much less than before)where I used to think there is just no point in enduring this awful reality. A life of stigma, self-loathing, medicines and a chronic disease where one is treated as a leper is not what I signed up for! All I wanted was to make my family and those who love me feel proud of me. To rub salt on this fresh wound,I still don't feel comfortable with sharing this news with my friends, most of whom are doing well career-wise,romance-wise and health-wise. In my mind, everything just seemed futile and pointless. I felt as if I was drifting through time with no desire to live but just existing. I felt as though I'm sitting in a car on the top of a hill with no brakes and waiting to go downhill and all I can do is just sit back and watch myself self-destruct.            Then one morning, after a month of feeling  sorry for myself and after contemplating writing to oxford dictionary telling them that they might as well pick my name as a synonym for 'failure' as I epitomised it better than anyone else I knew- I decided to snap out of this viscious cycle.      I forced myself to change my chain of thought and 'world view' of things. I've only got one life. Destiny or my bad choices or whatever has dealt me a bad lot of cards- but that by no means is 'game over'. I keep remindin myself eveeryday of how much worse things could be. Just the other day, I saw a beggar on the street  with no arms and no legs! I'm sure he'd trade places with me in a heartbeat. I've reconciled myself to the fact that somethings just happen. We have no control over them and the more we try to change it, the more frustration it causes. Its best to accept it, move on and make the best of a bad situation. It goes without sayin that no one thought they would catch it- they did! As did I. I could spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself or pull my socks up, be pro-active and make the best of it.          I've come to view my dx as my destiny. Which may sound really silly to some, but I firmly believe that there are somethings we cannot change. Just as we had little to no control over the very fact that we were born or where or as boy or girl or str8 or gay- this too, in my mind was written! In any case, what's done is done and life does go on and as someone else on these forums said- a lot of what one thinks is impossible whilst being poz lies more in our mindset than in reality! Good Luck!
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Peter6836

  • Member
  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2011, 05:54:28 PM »
Dpb,
Like so many others have said, I could have made this post myself at a point in my life, and did make some similar.

Life will go on, even when you think it should not. I lost my job, my house, friends, and many other things after my initial diagnosis. I was sick, and my mental health was horrible. Get some good mental health help. I know it is not easy but having someone to talk to that understands helps.

Since my diagnosis, I have returned to school, I am getting my second masters degree this time in mental health counselling. I have a 4.0 average, and I look forward to returning to the work force. It has not been easy, I struggle every day, but life is getting better. It will for you too. Let go of the guilt and the shame move past them and move towards your bliss.

I wish you the best. All the possibilities of life can be yours.

Peter

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2011, 08:25:47 PM »
Everything seems to be falling apart.

On Monday morning, I decided I would see a career counselor (military) about re-enlisting as I only have another year and-a-half of service on my current enlistment.  He informed me that my particular job (Military Occupational Speciality) was over-strength as of 29 April.  In layman terms, that means I will not be extended any re-enlistment opportunities unless I re-class to a different specialty which isn't really an option for various reasons (largely HIV-related). Had I literally come in to his office three days prior, I could've re-enlisted for at least 3 years.   He told me to continually check every month to see if the occupational numbers go down, in which case I could then re-enlist.  However, their is no guarantee.  Now, I have to face the possibility of an even more uncertain future without income, health insurance, or stability.

Things only seem to be getting worse.  My life is crumbling before my very eyes.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 12:16:37 AM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2011, 11:57:40 PM »
Stay strong. Things will get better. Have u tried counselling? Its helping me.    
« Last Edit: May 05, 2011, 02:37:12 PM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2011, 06:11:14 PM »
I have.  It's a big help and very therapeutic.  However, he's three weeks out and the sessions are only an hour long. 
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2011, 02:07:31 AM »
hang in there buddy.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2011, 03:56:00 AM »
Thanks.  I'm trying friend.  My family and some of the members of this forum have really been a big support and I'm grateful for that.

I'm still concerned about my job, but I have some time still.  I'm just hoping for the best and evaluating my options.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,335
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2011, 01:41:23 PM »
Hi dpb,

Just checking in to say, as everyone is encouraging you to do...hang in there. Things will improve.
The access to therapy sessions, brief and far apart, does present its challenges.

Staying in touch with the forum folk is wise -- it helps to know that others have been down similar paths and can shout back reports about life beyond the beginning of dealing with HIV.

Em

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2011, 09:27:50 PM »
I've been away for a while.  I guess I just wanted to try and move on.  I was doing a lot better.  I came to accept things more and just focus on moving ahead.  But my mental state has changed in the last few days.  I just lost my girlfriend - and it feels like I'll never meet someone else who could accept me.  I was diagnosed with ostepenia recently, and I'm only 23.  I just feel very alone and obviously depressed.  I've made so many mistakes and I just continue to, as if I'm just bound for failure.  This is probably a tiring process to have to hear my woes, but I really don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to be a burden on my family, so I don't want to talk to them about it.  I live alone.  I have almost no social life.  The prospects of meeting someone else seems even more distant.  I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic.  It's so hard losing someone you care about, that you've shared so much with.  Especially when you know it's mostly your fault, as it always has been.  I've made some terrible decisions in my life and I've ruined so many great opportunities.  How I wish I could just start over.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline richie

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2011, 09:59:23 PM »
No need to start over.  Life is about learning from your past, and moving forward without making those same previous mistakes.  Sounds like you're conscious of those mistakes, and have full ability to move on in better shape than most people (who have no reason to become self-aware as you are). 

Becoming HIV+ to some is a wakeup call.  A shakeup.  Pursue your dreams, aware of mortality.  HIV isn't a death sentence, especially where you live (the NW US).  You may have some issues over the years, but so do others (obesity, diabetes, etc., etc.).  You can get past them and live a regular life, take a pill a day, move on being cognizant of choices. 

Your mistakes are just that --- mistakes.  Welcome to being human.  Make mistakes, learn from em, and get past em. 

How you HANDLE the issues life throws at you is what makes you who you are.   Life is nothing BUT a series of issues, and they often seem unsurmountable.  But they're not.  Being young, they just seem that way to you.  Being an older fart (me), I can see for sure that they're not.  You WILL meet someone.  You WILL get employment opportunities.  You WILL survive (queue Gloria Gaynor). 

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #19 on: June 10, 2011, 03:48:42 AM »
I've been away for a while.  I guess I just wanted to try and move on.  I was doing a lot better.  I came to accept things more and just focus on moving ahead.  But my mental state has changed in the last few days.  I just lost my girlfriend - and it feels like I'll never meet someone else who could accept me.  I was diagnosed with ostepenia recently, and I'm only 23.  I just feel very alone and obviously depressed.  I've made so many mistakes and I just continue to, as if I'm just bound for failure.  This is probably a tiring process to have to hear my woes, but I really don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to be a burden on my family, so I don't want to talk to them about it.  I live alone.  I have almost no social life.  The prospects of meeting someone else seems even more distant.  I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic.  It's so hard losing someone you care about, that you've shared so much with.  Especially when you know it's mostly your fault, as it always has been.  I've made some terrible decisions in my life and I've ruined so many great opportunities.  How I wish I could just start over.

Man this has talk with a therapist or a support group written all over it to me.  Your thinking may just being influenced by a recent a breakup, but I think we could all benefit from having more hiv+ people in our lives just to talk about.  People who understand what we go through and who don't need a thorough education on the numbers and facts.  Is any of that an option for you?  Something you might be interested in doing?

Offline Ann

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #20 on: June 10, 2011, 06:01:38 AM »
How I wish I could just start over.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can start over. It just takes a bit of will. I've done it several times in my life and you can too. You're young, you can do it.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #21 on: June 10, 2011, 09:15:47 AM »
Thank you for all of the replies and support.

I'm seeing a therapist, but the sessions are few and far between.  I've never really wanted to go to any support groups, even though I'm sure they'd be quite healthy.  I think a lot of how I've been feeling lately was related to constant fighting and ultimately breaking up with my girlfriend.  I know that's not the end of the world.  It was just stressful on top of a lot of other stressses (HIV, ostepenia, sacroiliac joint pain, employment beyond 2013).  I'm not used to dealing with all of these health issues and it's been even more difficult because it really changed my plans.  I'm trying my best to adjust, move forward, and devise an altered plan.  Doing it alone can be hard sometimes.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline jacken

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #22 on: June 10, 2011, 09:46:17 AM »
dpb, I also want to add my support. It is hard to deal with your diagnosis on top of others which you are dealing with.

Give yourself some time and we are all here for you.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #23 on: June 11, 2011, 09:31:31 PM »
Thank you.  I've seemed to have fallen into a hole of depression recently, and it's just hard to get out of at the moment.  What a surreal life this is.  I can't tell if it's reality or the initial shock and trauma slowly waring off over time.  I don't feel like the same person anymore.  I don't experience things the same anymore: happiness, anger, anything - which just compounds this numb, desensitized feeling.  Being successful in my life meant avoiding mistakes, and to a lesser degree, HIV.  Being successful, for me, involved following very specific plans and goals which are now impossible because of HIV.  By my own strict ideas of success, I have already failed myself.  I don't have any interest in anything anymore.  No ambition anymore, which is the exact opposite of who I was before my diagnosis.  I don't want to beat a dead horse or sound like a broken record, but I don't want to talk to anyone else.  I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. This is my support group.  No one else would even be able to comprehend the enormity of it all, and I just don't want to burden my friends and family with my troubles.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2011, 09:34:46 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Betelgeuse

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2011, 12:00:02 AM »
Sometimes the best psychiatrist are your friends and family - those whom have known you your entire life and know you better than anyone else. 

I'm hoping to get a hold of a good therapist for myself up here in Seattle.

If ever you're looking to go to Dunshee House, I can take you if you want.  It's not somewhere I'd go by myself so you'd be doing me a favor.
04/19/11 - Diagnosed positive
04/29/11 - CD4 188 @ 12.5% / VL 18k
05/03/11 - CD4 171 @ unk% / VL 7k
06/04/11 - Start Truvada/Isentress
07/11/11 - CD4 not tested / VL UD
09/07/11 - CD4 252 @ unk% / VL UD

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #25 on: June 12, 2011, 04:45:28 AM »
By my own strict ideas of success, I have already failed myself.  I don't have any interest in anything anymore.  No ambition anymore, which is the exact opposite of who I was before my diagnosis.  I don't want to beat a dead horse or sound like a broken record, but I don't want to talk to anyone else.  I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. This is my support group.  No one else would even be able to comprehend the enormity of it all, and I just don't want to burden my friends and family with my troubles.

I understand you DPB. Its all about not living up to the high expectations you set for yourself. I felt the same. It is hard to forgive yourself for a mistake that has permanent consequences. But you MUST forgive yourself. You are only human and mistakes happen. You are exactly the same person you were before that day.

I would still urge you to talk to someone- either a therapist or a close family/ friend that you can trust and feel confortable with. Just talking about it to someone helps.  It helped me and your feelings mirror mine.

Hang in there.


« Last Edit: June 12, 2011, 04:51:56 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Ann

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #26 on: June 12, 2011, 09:08:02 AM »
Being successful in my life meant avoiding mistakes, and to a lesser degree, HIV.  Being successful, for me, involved following very specific plans and goals which are now impossible because of HIV.

If you don't mind me asking, what specific plans and goals do you now feel are impossible? I'm wondering because there are really very few things that become impossible just because of hiv. Unless you planned on a career where unintentional transmission could be a very real possibility, you may be selling yourself short.

You're the same person you were before diagnosis. It may not feel like it's true now, but believe me, it is true.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #27 on: June 12, 2011, 10:11:52 AM »
Getting out of the Army after my first enlistment was a goal, and now I don't know if I can do that.  I have to consider the cost of treatment.  Health insurance is a must.  Who's going to cover it?  I don't know for sure that the military will, even though it's considered a service-connected disability.  My other goal was getting out with enough money saved for security and to allow me to live financially independent.  Before HIV, I was in a rare position to save a lot with nearly no expenses - which is not the case now.  Also, because I wasn't mentally prepared for the move back to the states, I rushed and wasted a lot of money on things I needed.  Money I worked very hard for.  I was also stripped of my time in a country I loved being, of my friendships, of familiarity.  There was so much more I wanted to see and do there; I wasn't supposed to leave for another year.  I missed out on a lot believing I had time to spare.  It was better for me career wise to be there.  I was able to learn directly from experienced civilian technicians at an enterprise level on very expensive equipment.  Here, I can't do any of those things.  That would've helped.  When you switch units in the military, you might as well switch employers.  You have to establish yourself all over, which takes a lot of energy.  Energy I don't have anymore.  I was in a leadership position in my last unit because my command believed in me, trusted in me.  Here, I'm a dime a dozen - I'll never have that opportunity.  The list goes on and on.  I might be the same person, but everything else has changed and it's just not what I wanted.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline kellybryana

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #28 on: June 13, 2011, 04:00:01 AM »
Something I've learned in my short 24 years being alive...life will always unfolds as it should. Don't worry, stress, or question it. When one door closes, another one opens. Don't stare at the closed door for too long...turn around man! You're only 23, you have a bright future. Keep a good attitude. This too shall pass, I promise.




Offline Theyer

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2011, 02:59:54 PM »
dpb,

How are you at the moment? I have been following your thread had not commented cause off all the sense that was being posted.
What has struck me is that at 23 you have experianced work success , and you clearly have a work ethic. Depression will make that appear very far away but it is not. It is still there .
Drop a line so your support group can listen.
Best wishes
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2011, 07:27:40 PM »
dpb,

How are you at the moment? I have been following your thread had not commented cause off all the sense that was being posted.
What has struck me is that at 23 you have experianced work success , and you clearly have a work ethic. Depression will make that appear very far away but it is not. It is still there .
Drop a line so your support group can listen.
Best wishes
theyer

I'm more or less the same.   I don't even know what to say anymore.  It won't matter.  This is the life I've created for myself and I don't know if I have any interest in trying to salvage it.  Ruined a lot of relationships along the way and wasted a lot of opportunities.  I don't think I'll ever be able to totally forgive myself.  I've failed myself.  My family tells me they're still proud of me, but I know it's not true.  I failed them too. 

"Everything will fall, fall right into place.  When we die, some sink and some lay.  But I won't stop until you float away."
« Last Edit: June 20, 2011, 07:47:10 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Theyer

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #31 on: June 21, 2011, 02:42:31 AM »
Does that mean you have told your family? And do you have a history within the family of lying about things? I can easily see a scenario how your Family would retain there pride in you .
I will regularly check the thread
take care
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #32 on: June 21, 2011, 09:38:38 AM »
Man, you're being far too harsh on yourself.

You have not failed at anything! Please try not thinking this way.

The whole world has sex with no adverse consequences. You just got unlucky. Nothing more.

Don't let the virus run riot in your thoughts.

Things will get better. It may not always seem so, but they will- so hang in there.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #33 on: June 21, 2011, 07:18:04 PM »
Does that mean you have told your family? And do you have a history within the family of lying about things? I can easily see a scenario how your Family would retain there pride in you .
I will regularly check the thread
take care
theyer

Yes, I told them almost immediately after I was diagnosed.  I could be projecting.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my mental state. 

Man, you're being far too harsh on yourself.

You have not failed at anything! Please try not thinking this way.

The whole world has sex with no adverse consequences. You just got unlucky. Nothing more.

Don't let the virus run riot in your thoughts.

Things will get better. It may not always seem so, but they will- so hang in there.

I know I'm being hard on myself.  I've always been that way because I've always set high expectations for myself.  I know I was unlucky.  I know tens of millions if not hundreds of millions of people put themselves at the same risk and have no repercussions.  I've come to realize that life isn't fair, nor does it guarantee anything other than the simple fact that life will still go on, with or without me.  I intend to keep going.  Like many others here, I have good days and bad days.  It's just been more of the latter recently and I've been depressed.  A lot of other recent events like major family problems and a breakup with my girlfriend only exacerbated those feelings.  I'm still adjusting to this new life.  Not just the diagnosis, but to life back home and the part of me that's still overseas, unready to leave.  I'll get there eventually.  Change is always difficult; especially when so much changes so quickly.  I still have a lot to be grateful for, like everyone here who has supported me and given me some great words of encouragement.  Thank you all. 
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Theyer

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #34 on: June 22, 2011, 02:17:27 PM »
Hi dpb,

When I was in therapy many moons ago, wise old owl the therapist often said
"life is not fair, its random " She was a very grounded wise women who had been a headmistress off a secondary / high school . She also said when accepting the monthly payment
"oh goody now we can have mackerel for tea"
Thus proving though very wise, educated ,successful in two careers she could be really quite Batty.

Why am I bleating on about  my past therapy. Well it had an awful  lot to do with my experience off both expected and unexpected bereavement and loss and how to navigate the intense often disabling experiences / feelings arising from said losses.

I was very lucky to have hooked up with her as I was able to use the many £ thousands it cost to get through those years and still be able to use what I learnt on that couch.today.

Your Posts I see as containing a bunch off loss and the bereavement that goes with it ,and I am Glad that you are not pushing it way down where it will only fester. Hope this is not projecting but  by putting it out there you are giving your self the change to learn and use the stuff you learn for the future.
 Any way best wishes
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline dpb

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #35 on: July 26, 2011, 09:29:26 PM »
It's been a while since I wrote here.  This thread and these forums have been the closest thing to a journal that I've ever had.  I've been trying so hard to not let this affect me.  I've tried to realize that what's done is done, and I have to move on.  

But it's so very difficult for me.  

Maybe it's the fact that the very place I live, the organization I work for and the people I interact with are a direct result of my HIV status.  Maybe it's how I was legally required to inform my commander (equivalent to your boss in the private sector) of my HIV status and sign documentation stating what I will and will not do as an HIV positive soldier and the repercussions if I do not obey.  Or maybe it's that it forced me to leave my home and my unit - one that I loved.  The relationships that were severed as a result.  Or that I'll never be able to deploy, let alone be eligible for any overseas assignments.  To be so limited when I all I ever wanted was to keep as many options open as possible, and never waste any opportunities.  I've most certainly squandered both of those attempts.  It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me.  Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible.  To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.

I didn't choose any of these things.  But this is the reality; my reality.  This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.  A never ending problem.  I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time.  I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors.  I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future.  Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health.  Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life.  I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father.  I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away.  I could've been so successful;  I could've been happy.  Could've found love.  I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it.  I want my old life back.  I want to enjoy life again.  I'm trying.  It just doesn't seem possible anymore.

In the words of the late Layne Staley:

"We chase misprinted lies,  
We face the path of time.
And yet I fight, and yet I fight this battle all alone.
No one to cry to,
No place to call home.

My gift of self is raped,
My privacy is raked.
And yet I find, and yet I find repeating in my head,
If I can't be my own,
I'd feel better dead."
« Last Edit: July 26, 2011, 09:46:48 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #36 on: July 27, 2011, 05:15:06 AM »
It's been a while since I wrote here.  This thread and these forums have been the closest thing to a journal that I've ever had.  I've been trying so hard to not let this affect me.  I've tried to realize that what's done is done, and I have to move on.  

But it's so very difficult for me.  

Maybe it's the fact that the very place I live, the organization I work for and the people I interact with are a direct result of my HIV status.  Maybe it's how I was legally required to inform my commander (equivalent to your boss in the private sector) of my HIV status and sign documentation stating what I will and will not do as an HIV positive soldier and the repercussions if I do not obey.  Or maybe it's that it forced me to leave my home and my unit - one that I loved.  The relationships that were severed as a result.  Or that I'll never be able to deploy, let alone be eligible for any overseas assignments.  To be so limited when I all I ever wanted was to keep as many options open as possible, and never waste any opportunities.  I've most certainly squandered both of those attempts.  It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me.  Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible.  To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.

I didn't choose any of these things.  But this is the reality; my reality.  This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.  A never ending problem.  I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time.  I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors.  I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future.  Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health.  Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life.  I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father.  I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away.  I could've been so successful;  I could've been happy.  Could've found love.  I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it.  I want my old life back.  I want to enjoy life again.  I'm trying.  It just doesn't seem possible anymore.

Did you ever seek out some sort of therapist to talk to?  In my opinion and experience you need this more than anyone else I've ever read who posts on this site.  The mental anguish you're putting yourself through is causing you to do some unnecessary damage to yourself.  Please talk to someone, if you just need to talk to one of us on the forums in private do that.  We know what you're going through as we've all been through some form of it before.  If you need absolutely anything that I can help you with, feel free to contact me.

Offline LM

  • Member
  • Posts: 409
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #37 on: July 27, 2011, 08:44:25 AM »
dpb, your life has changed, that's true. But try to stop looking back; in life, we all lose some things. The only way out is looking forward. Besides, you're not alone. We are young (I'm 26), we have a long way ahead of us still, and this virus does not define who we are. My infection was recent as well, and it's still difficult sometimes, but I'm working hard not to give in. In fact, I think this is one more reason for me to enjoy life to the fullest, and do all the things I really want to do. Life is too short and maybe this can be used as a wake-up call. It's up to us.  Sure, maybe you've lost some opportunities, but there are many more out there that you've never imagined, trust me. And love... well, love surprises us. I'm sure you will be surprised by it again and again. Stay strong!  :)

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #38 on: July 28, 2011, 04:01:28 AM »
Quote
It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me.
 That is, most certainly, you projecting.

Quote
Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible
. Difficult, not impossible and you know it.

Quote
To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.
You are a person, and when people meet you they see that person- not a virus or a parasite. I am a little surprised you could talk such bollocks.

Quote
I didn't choose any of these things.  But this is the reality; my reality.
 No one on this planet chose to get infected (well at least no one with a functioning brain).

Quote
This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.
 You know that is not true. Even though having HIV adds a layer of difficulties in your life, you have no way of knowing how your life will pan out and certainly not of knowing how good or bad your life will be.

Quote
A never ending problem.  I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time.  I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors.  I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future.  Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health.  Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life.  I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father.  I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away.  I could've been so successful;  I could've been happy.  Could've found love.  I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it.  I want my old life back.  I want to enjoy life again.  I'm trying.  It just doesn't seem possible anymore.

If you are tired of reading about HIV, then take a break! Seriously man, find yourself some other distraction. Anything- read an interesting novel, watch some porno, go hiking-whatever!

I donít want to sound mean, but you will probably be remembered for this disease if and only if you do give up because of it. You know you are smarter and better than that. You know that it is still very much within your hands to still have a bright future, be successful, be happy and find love- in spite of HIV!

You have a medical condition and it is just one facet of your life.  Your life is so much more than this. I know youíre clever enough to see that all the possibilities of life are still yours if only you lift this cloud of negativism and morbid speculation that is colouring your thoughts and judgment.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #39 on: August 02, 2011, 11:11:15 AM »
How are you ?
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #40 on: August 03, 2011, 08:35:22 PM »
Did you ever seek out some sort of therapist to talk to?  In my opinion and experience you need this more than anyone else I've ever read who posts on this site.  The mental anguish you're putting yourself through is causing you to do some unnecessary damage to yourself.  Please talk to someone, if you just need to talk to one of us on the forums in private do that.  We know what you're going through as we've all been through some form of it before.  If you need absolutely anything that I can help you with, feel free to contact me.

I'm seeing a therapist.  I do talk to some forum members privately.  Thanks for offering your help.  It really does mean a lot.  

dpb, your life has changed, that's true. But try to stop looking back; in life, we all lose some things. The only way out is looking forward. Besides, you're not alone. We are young (I'm 26), we have a long way ahead of us still, and this virus does not define who we are. My infection was recent as well, and it's still difficult sometimes, but I'm working hard not to give in. In fact, I think this is one more reason for me to enjoy life to the fullest, and do all the things I really want to do. Life is too short and maybe this can be used as a wake-up call. It's up to us.  Sure, maybe you've lost some opportunities, but there are many more out there that you've never imagined, trust me. And love... well, love surprises us. I'm sure you will be surprised by it again and again. Stay strong!  :)

I'm trying my best to stay strong, but I would best describe it as a battle.  HIV itself isn't the biggest source of the anguish and depression I've experienced.  It's the professional, personal, and financial aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my infection that have caused so much turmoil.  This happened at a critical and vulnerable stage in my career and development.  Everything else fell like dominoes as a result.  I don't expect everyone to understand.  I was in a very unique situation before my diagnosis and had very specific goals which are now unattainable.  I loved where I was at; loved the life I was leading.  It's difficult knowing that my potential won't be realized the way I had envisioned it for so long, especially in such a preventable manner.  I was on a completely different path before than the one I'm on now, and there's no going back.  That's just the unfortunate truth.  I don't blame anyone for anything but me; I failed myself.  

How are you ?

I wish I could say I'm doing good.  I remember when someone once asked me what it was I wanted out of life.  My response was I only wanted two things: to be successful, and to be happy.  As I've come to realize, my perception of success is as much tied to my happiness as anything else in this world.  They are one in the same.  I was so goal oriented and ambitious.  That's what gave my life meaning.  Because I feel unsuccessful, I subsequently feel unhappy.  I don't think I'll ever be able to shake that feeling.  As I've said before, I'm hard on myself because I've always set high expectations for myself.  Expectations that required hard work, determination, sacrifice, and commitment.  That's just who I am.  But, I no longer have that drive.  It no longer exists.  A huge part of what made me who I was is now missing, and I feel lost with no direction or sense of purpose.  
« Last Edit: August 04, 2011, 03:50:22 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline LM

  • Member
  • Posts: 409
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2011, 12:47:19 PM »

I'm trying my best to stay strong, but I would best describe it as a battle.  HIV itself isn't the biggest source of the anguish and depression I've experienced.  It's the professional, personal, and financial aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my infection that have caused so much turmoil.  This happened at a critical and vulnerable stage in my career and development.  Everything else fell like dominoes as a result.  I don't expect everyone to understand.  I was in a very unique situation before my diagnosis and had very specific goals which are now unattainable.  I loved where I was at; loved the life I was leading.  It's difficult knowing that my potential won't be realized the way I had envisioned it for so long, especially in such a preventable manner.  I was on a completely different path before than the one I'm on now, and there's no going back.  That's just the unfortunate truth.  I don't blame anyone for anything but me; I failed myself.  


If I understood correctly, you were in the military or something. So do see it as a battle. Life itself is a continuous battle. Daily we fight to survive, and with HIV comes an extra challenge. True, some days you'll be defeated, but some days you'll kick that virus' ass on its knees. Don't be hard on yourself (though I know it's easy to say, I'm hard on myself as well, always with high expectations) and give yourself some time to breathe. And when things are tough, do things you like so you can take your mind out of it. I play videogame, it sure helps.

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #42 on: August 06, 2011, 08:26:15 PM »
You're absolutely right.  Life is a continuous battle.  It does me no good to focus on the things that I can not control.  What's done is done.  I need to stop living in the past and start living in the present. 

I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to post and offer their thoughts, advice, and support.  You've been a great help in this difficult time.  Thank you.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline ddva616

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #43 on: August 07, 2011, 09:06:56 PM »
Hey I can completely understand.  Had most of those same thoughts and feelings.  Take care of yourself ... it does get better.

I was crushed.  Felt like a complete failure.  Stupid and all of the other negative feelings that go along with it.  I was found to be positive through routine follow blood work for diabetes.  Shocked!  And even more shocked when the doctor said I have been positive for 5 to 10 years based on my numbers.  After 4 major surgeries and hospitalization even. that really complicated the digestive process.  WHY ME? HOW COULD THIS BE TRUE..NOW after all the medical crap I've been through.

So I started thinking long and hard about it after visiting the doctors a couple of times.  I asked myself...if I have had HIV for as long as he thinks....What really has changed?  Now I just know.   I take meds, keep it under control and they have almost guarenteed I will be fine.  4 weeks in, the meds are ok, no side affects, I feel fine, always have, never been sick with the text book symptoms....so What really has changed?  I know now.

I've learned a lot in a very short time about the world of HIV.  We have chronic virus that we have to keep in check.  Thats it!  That's all.  We are not going to die from it.  It's not 20 years ago.  It's 2011 and new studies and findings are coming up every day.  Keep the faith my friend.  Please reach out to group or counselor before doing anything drastic. 

Don't let it ruin your life and definately don't let it make you think you have to take your life.  YOUR FINE!!  You are not alone.  Feel free to email me if you want to talk.  I'm on the East Coast.   D

Offline dpb

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  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #44 on: August 09, 2011, 07:55:32 PM »
Thanks dd.  

My psychologist has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder.  I'm better now than I was a few months ago, but each day brings its own challenges in this new reality of mine.  I've been alone for a long time.  Now more than ever, I really need someone in my life.  I've been trying to meet other people and put myself out there, but no one seems very interested.  Rejection and loneliness are truly awful feelings.  

I want to have a fulfilling life again, and I want to share it with someone.. someone special.   Having that would bring me so much happiness and resolve.  I just don't want to be alone anymore.  Don't want to fight this battle by myself.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2011, 07:57:39 PM by dpb »
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #45 on: August 30, 2011, 09:26:46 AM »
How are things DPB?
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #46 on: September 01, 2011, 07:58:46 PM »
Things were OK as you know until someone at work found out about my medical diagnosis.  When I informed my commander and he reprimanded her (over the phone as he was on vacation at the time), this individual got an attitude problem and was constantly starting arguments with me in the office and bringing up personal issues that she had just been warned not to speak of.  They ended up kicking her out of the company and moving her into a new unit, and I thought the troubles were over.  As I found out today from my commander, several other senior ranking members of my unit also found out about my medical situation, and it's impossible to know how many others as a result of this one individual.  All this, because several months ago, I told one co-worker in confidence under the condition that she not speak of it to anyone.  She seemed genuine and trustworthy, and I had considered her a friend then.  She then goes overseas and I think she's true to her word, and that's when I find out she had told at least one person that I currently work with.

Now I feel extremely uncomfortable at work, and I know what everyone's going to say: I brought this on myself, be very selective about who you disclose to, etc.  I know that.  I knew that then.  I don't need any more reminders - I needed support and to be accepted.  Someone who became a friend said they'd be there and would keep whatever I had to say confidential.  Well my bad, I'm a human god damn being who's dealing with this almost entirely on my own.  I've learned another extremely costly lesson, so I don't need anyone to tell me what I did wrong - I'm well aware of that.  Now I get to spend the next year wondering who knows and who doesn't know about my diagnosis and just wanting to isolate myself even further.  I can't trust anyone anymore.  Even my closest family members have ended up telling other family members when I specifically told them not to.  I want to delete all of my social media accounts, delete my email, wait until I get out of the service, change my name, and just move far away from here and try my best at starting over.  I can't deal with all of this, it's just too damn much.  I'm going to see another psychologist outside of my insurance (paying out-of-pocket) because I do want to get better and I know I need the help.  I've just had my trust completely shattered in so many people and I can't escape this at work anymore.

This life is just a domino effect now, where HIV was the first domino to fall, and all of the rest are coming down behind it as a result.   This diagnosis was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me next to being sentenced to life in prison, but in many ways - I feel it's the same.  I've already been condemned to this life, and I'm just living behind the bars now.  My fate's already been decided by one mistake - and that was a mistake of trusting someone too much.  I can't do anything about it now.  Maybe I have a genetic predisposition to not being able to handle extreme stresses or trauma, maybe it's that I've been doing this completely on my own, or that the sheer magnitude of it all has caused physiological changes in my brain making me incapable of coping with this.  I have no idea, because everyone else seems to think I should be just fine and dandy with this life.  This is a nightmare that's come to fruition.  I've already been given a life sentence, and nothing I can do will change it.  I meant it when I said I didn't want this life.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Hellraiser

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,136
  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #47 on: September 02, 2011, 06:47:35 PM »
I almost wish you had asked us before you disclosed to anyone, because it's practically a mantra around these parts, "Once someone else knows, everyone knows".  You have to be prepared for the eventuality that everyone will find out once you have told someone even in the strictest of confidences.  It's really unfortunate that it was someone you work with because you can't just quit your job, whereas a social acquaintance you could just stop associating with.  I'm glad you're seeing a professional because I still don't think you've come to terms with your diagnosis.

It is not the end of the world.  It's merely a disease and one more brick in the backpack of life's burdens, albeit a heavy one.

I really hope you can see your way out of the murk that you're lost in soon.  It gets a lot better when you do.

Offline dpb

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #48 on: September 04, 2011, 07:44:41 PM »

It is not the end of the world.  It's merely a disease and one more brick in the backpack of life's burdens, albeit a heavy one.

I really hope you can see your way out of the murk that you're lost in soon.  It gets a lot better when you do.

My mindset has been so volatile these past several months, but you're absolutely right - it does get better when I do.  Thanks Hellraiser.

Something happened to me yesterday that might've been discouraging for most people, but was enlightening for me.  I fractured a few fingers while I was wakeboarding, and I almost immediately saw how much it is I'd taken things for granted these days.  At that moment, I realized how thankful I was to have family that was there to help me.  Thankful to have a job and medical insurance.  Thankful to live in a time where this disease is manageable.  Thankful to be alive and healthy.

Life really is what you make it.  The sky is the limit.
Date        CD4    %    VL
1/15/11    Diagnosed
3/1/11    525    18    168,518
5/12/11    558    16    331,791
5/16/11    Started Atripla
5/31/11    NA    NA    1,200
6/15/11    721    21    330
7/15/11    649    23    231
8/15/11    569    25    UD
11/17/11  752    26    UD
3/1/12    634    27    UD
7/2/12    594    26    UD
2/13       676    30    UD
9/13       662    31    UD

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,481
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: I don't want this life.
« Reply #49 on: September 10, 2011, 06:42:33 AM »
I understand , first you got injured being active, outside and having fun and then the problem was sorted with care. Its great to hear that life is better.
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


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