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Author Topic: Just... Venting I guess  (Read 5313 times)

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Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Just... Venting I guess
« on: April 10, 2011, 04:12:10 PM »
I serconverted march of this year, the news ( like many news ive gotten this year) was shocking of course, but I was able to ... Deal with them. I have good friends and they've been a great support group.

I was infected while in a ' relationship', it was not a traditional one, but he wasn't some stranger I banged one night while out on the town.

He was someone charismatic, smart, funny. He was handsome of course, but not just physically, but mentally as well. He was my first " official" date, as sad as that is to say.

The reason for my testing myself was because he was gone for the holidays to visit family, and I passed Christmas and nw years sick in bed. Went to a doctor and they told me it was strep throat, so i let it go. Came the school time and when a non-profit group came for free HIV testing I went and got tested. And my journey began of test after test to find out if I was positive.

When I finally got the wb that confirmed it I wasn't shocked, I had prepared myself for it.

When I got the results I tried telling the guy I was with ( had told him when I first got tested to test himself, he told he would) but he had changed his number, his e-mail didn't work either. He had ..."vanished"

I don't know if he knew his status. Or why he disappeared like that

Unfortunately ... I stay up thinking... I haven't been able to sleep  for the past three days remembering our time together, the shivers I got when we kissed, the level of trust I gave him. I know it stupid, pointless, and even hurtful for me to think about him right now.

~~~~ just needed to feel like I told someone, like I screamed it at the top of my lungs~~~~
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2011, 05:30:21 PM »

When I got the results I tried telling the guy I was with ( had told him when I first got tested to test himself, he told he would) but he had changed his number, his e-mail didn't work either. He had ..."vanished"

I don't know if he knew his status. Or why he disappeared like that

Unfortunately ... I stay up thinking... I haven't been able to sleep  for the past three days remembering our time together, the shivers I got when we kissed, the level of trust I gave him. I know it stupid, pointless, and even hurtful for me to think about him right now.


hey dude,

screaming at the top of ones lungs can be quite therapeutic. don't beat yourself up too much over this. you are not the first or last to trust someone who didnt reveal their status. or been with someone who straight out lied about it. and give yourself credit for surrounding yourself with a support group and having the balls to tell him about your status. too bad he didnt offer you the same courtesy.

i hope you are able to move on from this in a relatively short time and get back to the other things in your life (sheesh, homework & parties).

and please keep in mind there are a lot of things still awesome in life, like all the other charismatic and handsome guys -- you being one of them. if you have dealt with this, and everything else this year has put on your plate, then you can deal with whatever is next. hopefully it will be fun in the sun and good times.

but if not, you have a support group and a good head on your shoulders and those trials and tribulations will pass too.

the dude i acquired it from (i think, well, lets just say them, lol) were all awesome to me in their special ways and i thought it was right at that time in my life. they surely disappeared upon me notifying them. my life continued on, i finished school and got promoted at work (dont read my other current work thread, lol). in a nutshell, life goes on. give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with this. then get out there and kick ass and have fun. and meet other charming men ... im sure a handsome guy like you will meet plenty.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline David Evans

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 97
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2011, 05:34:39 PM »
Hey Klouny,

I'm glad you found the forums so that you don't have to go through this alone. It's terrible that the guy ditched, but totally understandable how you would still think of him. I moved your thread to "Living with HIV" as I think you'll get more replies and support.

Best,
David
Moderator

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,202
  • Fall is in the air!
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2011, 06:36:13 PM »
Hey there Klouny,

Yikes. What an awful story. I'm sorry the guy disapeared like that, thats totally ridiculous. But you need someone in your life better than that. I'm sure you miss the kissing and the goosebumps he gave you, but there will be others. Better "others". Love sucks sometimes. But you gotta move forward and put him behind you. Sure, there will be those memories running through your mind at times, just acknowledge them and move on.

And like NExt says, screaming can be quite therapeutic :)

-Will

POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2011, 08:15:46 PM »
~will~

thanks for the advice, I will unfortunately remember him for some time ( he was the first guy I could call my boyfriend and person I've been in a relationship with).but when I do remember him, I'll acknowledge it. . . and move on.
as for the goosebumps , the human mind and memory are flawed. so I'll just forget he was a good kisser and attribute the goosebumps to my amazing kissing abilities lol   ;)

~Next~
I'll remember about the " other fishes in the ocean", I know there are a TON of great guys out there.
unfortunately I'm not so charismatic at the moment ( 3 days of no sleep does that to you) but hopefully I'll be my cheerful self after some well deserved rest.
and I'll def give that screaming thing a try sometime soon, even though I'm usually the quiet and soft spoken type lol

~david~
thanks david, I'm glad I found the forums as well. there seems to be a great group of people here
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,994
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2011, 12:14:02 AM »
That is very odd he would change all his contact info.  I think there's a hair in the butter, as my Grandma would say.  I wish you all the best dealing with this.

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2011, 12:18:58 AM »
I find it odd myself. I dont know whether he knew or he didnt. I really have no idea.
luck doesnt seem to be on my side right now, BUT I will deal with this somehow.
we humans pride ourselves in thinking we can overcome anything, I'm willing to test that theory
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Smart ass faggot
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2011, 12:26:06 AM »
Hey Klouny, nothing much to add here.  Just wanna say welcome to the forums. 
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2011, 12:43:34 AM »
 well thank you for welcoming me  ;D
I'm glad my doctor and my friend told me about them in the first place. it has helped me a lot
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,646
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2011, 02:09:38 AM »
hey klouney....

I like the way you think....("...attribute the goosebumps to my amazing kissing abilities lol.)

And once you get a good night's sleep and get back into your own routine of doing things your way
you'll find that theory of humans overcoming stuff just might be true after all.  You sound like you're
made of the right stuff, that's for sure.

robert
..........

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2011, 02:18:47 AM »
thanks robert
I'm just made from good old DNA like everyone else :)
yeah, taking this summer off from school ( first summer off since I was a sophomore in high school) so hopefully a little relaxing can help me out a bit with this all.
like I've mentioned time and time again on my post, I have a great support group. and they are helping me overcome this.
this feels like nothing, since I have people around me who are helping me with it
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline Bucko

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2011, 04:07:12 AM »
Scream at the too of your lungs: I encourage it.

But at the end of the day, no matter what, you agreed to submit to unsafe sex in (vastly) dangerous times. It's not that I don't empathize (because I do), but the person who infected you looks back at the mirror every time you glance there.

Welcome to the club, but please don't deflect responsibility: it's yours and yours alone.

Most sincerely yours-
Brent
(Who's survived 27 years and counting)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2011, 03:50:58 PM »
Welcome K.  Good you're taking the Summer off from school.  Relax and enjoy the heat and sunshine...but go back in the Fall!

He probably knew.  You'll never know for sure, so probably will have to suffice.  Not that it changes things much, unfortunately.

Offline hope_for_a_cure

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,502
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2011, 04:36:14 PM »
He was someone charismatic, smart, funny. He was handsome of course, but not just physically, but mentally as well. He was my first " official" date, as sad as that is to say.

Many others will be charismatic, smart, funny, and of course handsome.  The fact that he was your first makes his vanishing act hurt as much as it does.  Others here have given you the same feedback that I would so I really cant add anything but do welcome you to the forums. 

Best!

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #14 on: April 11, 2011, 05:02:36 PM »
~cliff~
yeah, I so plan on going back in the fall. I cant stand being at home too long. I'll go insane, plus I really do like going to school. it changes nothing if he knew or not, it's my responsibility now. so I just need to move on

~Hope~
yeah, he was a magician that man. vanishing, and being all around too good to be true.
it seems to be the advice I get from everyone right now, it does hurt. but wounds heal. and thank you for welcoming. I'm glad I found the forums

~Bucko~
I'll leave the screaming for another time, unfortunately I don't have to guts to do so at the moment.
I know it's my burden, responsibility, whatever you want to call it now. I plan on being smart and not making the same mistake as the person who infected. unfortunately even with the ways things turned out, I cant fully blame him. sex is a two person thing, I consented to unprotected sex. so I bear half the blame.
thanks for the welcome, I wait for my " members only" jacket to come in soon :)
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,239
  • Ninja Please
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2011, 05:05:55 PM »
I know it's my burden, responsibility, whatever you want to call it now. I plan on being smart and not making the same mistake as the person who infected. unfortunately even with the ways things turned out, I cant fully blame him. sex is a two person thing, I consented to unprotected sex. so I bear half the blame.
thanks for the welcome, I wait for my " members only" jacket to come in soon :)

This is good to hear Klouny. It's so much easier to deal with being HIV positive when one understands (or at least accepts) one's part in one's infection.

As for your jacket, what size do you take? I'll have a word with the uniform department. :)

MtD

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,979
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2011, 05:27:13 PM »
Hey Klouny,

Just wanted to welcome you.  And good for you for taking responsibility.  That shows a great deal of maturity.  And oh, by the way, take Matty up on his offer for the jacket, he does get the best. ;)
  L-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2011, 06:02:19 PM »
~Matty~
thanks matty, yeah I totally understand it (or at least I think I do)
it's my responsability to take care of my fellow man .
as for the jacket, any size would do so long as it's black ;)
I can modify it a bit, add a few metal studs here and there, and few leather straps lol

~betty~
thanks for the welcome :)
I am mature, or so I'm told. I blame it on the alcohol . . . eh I mean . . . the weather sure is nice :P
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline SunnyFlorida

  • Member
  • Posts: 176
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2011, 08:38:24 PM »
They say we never truly get over our first love... It's been three years and I *still* haven't fully gotten over him. And yes, there are definitely other fishes in the sea - those that are willing to look past your status and like you for who you are. He's out there. ;) I'm consistently amazed by the attitude you're approaching this situation with. I remember the day you texted me telling me that you did the quick HIV test and it came back reactive quickly. I honestly expected you to be all over the place... You weren't. You followed through, you made appointments, you got things done.

I'm very glad to be your friend and part of your support system. I only wish you didn't have to go through this, but I'll always be there for you. Now, about that sushi... once I've kicked this stomach virus, come on over and we'll go to Thai-Thai. :D

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2011, 02:34:13 AM »
Klouny,
           In some countries, such as mine, it is illegal to knowingly infect someone with HIV.  I have a strong feeling this is why your "friend" left in such a hurry.  How absolutly sad that this miss adventure has happened to you.  Depending upon where you live, and the laws, it may be to your advantage to do every thing in your power to find this, "scourge."
          As for you, hate to say it, but you need to talk with a doctor asap about treatmeant, or delaying treatmeant for awhile.  As for this being all your fault, BALONEY!!!  This person was out to find young impresionalble people, such as yourself, and he has done it before.  He needs to be stopped.  Thats where if you can, you should, stop him before he infects someone else.
         You are going to need all the help that is offered.  Do not be shy about accepting help from friends, family, or doctors.  There is no cure.  Only a stalemate.  Hiv will require serious attention for your health.  I have been positive 25 years.  I know meds work.
        Allthough serious, Hiv is managable.  You really do need to talk with a councilor about it.  You will be OK, just take it a day at a time.  I'm sending a heartfelt Hug your way Klouny.  Be strong.
Bertram.
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline littleprince

  • Member
  • Posts: 201
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2011, 03:28:13 AM »

As for your jacket, what size do you take? I'll have a word with the uniform department. :)

MtD

Jacket! I didn't know there was a jacket.  All I got was a sparkley tiara.

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2011, 10:09:00 PM »
~sorryass~

I live in florida, I went to talk to a cop about it. did an initial report and gave them all the info I could.
. . . but I'm ashamed that it might just be shelved. my friend told me it might be.

~prince~
a tiara? really?
do we get to pick and choose, screw the jacket. I want battle boots instead, those beat a jacket any time ;)

BTW. one of my amazing friends * sunnyflorida* and one of the people who's helped me out with this. just wanted to give him the props he deserves. he's a wonderful guy.
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline drewm

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,168
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2011, 10:44:24 PM »
(((HUGS)))

Welcome to the forums  ;)
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2011, 11:02:50 PM »
~drew~

thanks for the welcome  ;D
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline BJS2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 62
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2011, 03:45:40 PM »
I can relate. My X cheated and brought it home. He gave it to me then told everyone I was a hooker and gave uit to him. I was horrified

Offline SunnyFlorida

  • Member
  • Posts: 176
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2011, 09:01:44 PM »
BTW. one of my amazing friends * sunnyflorida* and one of the people who's helped me out with this. just wanted to give him the props he deserves. he's a wonderful guy.

You don't have to thank me, seriously... I do it because you're a great person! *hugs* Ya bastard, you made me cry, lol.

Offline TrilbyCowboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #26 on: April 16, 2011, 09:24:20 AM »
Welcome from another Florida member. Great place for information.... and to sometimes vent! Paul

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2011, 11:28:13 PM »
~Paul~
thanks for the florida welcome paul  :)
yep it sure is a great place so far
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline BJS2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 62
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2011, 06:24:31 AM »
I serconverted march of this year, the news ( like many news ive gotten this year) was shocking of course, but I was able to ... Deal with them. I have good friends and they've been a great support group.

I was infected while in a ' relationship', it was not a traditional one, but he wasn't some stranger I banged one night while out on the town.

He was someone charismatic, smart, funny. He was handsome of course, but not just physically, but mentally as well. He was my first " official" date, as sad as that is to say.

The reason for my testing myself was because he was gone for the holidays to visit family, and I passed Christmas and nw years sick in bed. Went to a doctor and they told me it was strep throat, so i let it go. Came the school time and when a non-profit group came for free HIV testing I went and got tested. And my journey began of test after test to find out if I was positive.

When I finally got the wb that confirmed it I wasn't shocked, I had prepared myself for it.

When I got the results I tried telling the guy I was with ( had told him when I first got tested to test himself, he told he would) but he had changed his number, his e-mail didn't work either. He had ..."vanished"

I don't know if he knew his status. Or why he disappeared like that

Unfortunately ... I stay up thinking... I haven't been able to sleep  for the past three days remembering our time together, the shivers I got when we kissed, the level of trust I gave him. I know it stupid, pointless, and even hurtful for me to think about him right now.

~~~~ just needed to feel like I told someone, like I screamed it at the top of my lungs~~~~
I can relate. 11 yrs ago I was in love big time. After 6 months into relationship we decided to not use condoms. I knew I was neg. I should have insisted on tests first. I caught him cheating. Got tested immediatly and bam tested poz. I told him. He beat the crap out of me then told everyone I was a hooker. I hate him!!

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #29 on: April 23, 2011, 01:04:14 AM »
~BJ~

sorry to hear that BJ, just remember that life has a funny way of coming around. everyone gets their day.
karma will eventually catch up with him. we both need to move on though, hate is never very constructive
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,686
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #30 on: April 24, 2011, 01:27:06 PM »


    Hi   Klouny  :)

                    You sound like a well adjusted person !

                    It is good to scream sometimes , I do ! 

                   I do hope you live your life  well .  You can have a  great life with a good person .

                    Your guy sounds like a real scum  >:(

                  Sometimes us old folks  forget " THEY " are still out there !

                   You would think  in 2011  people would have some common decency to tell  POZ or NOT POZ

                   Hope to hear more from you !

                           Happy Easter Honey  :-*

                                                                                  Weasel
" Live and let Live "

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #31 on: April 24, 2011, 01:35:09 PM »
~weasel~

I still don't know if I conpletely hate the guy or if I feel indifferent now.
I always told him I was poz friendly because I have a close friend who is poz.
Him vanishing without telling Is what got me mad and feel hurt, but it's fading away slowly.

Thanks I've tried screaming a few times, it works wonders lol.
I'm sure someday I'll find someone, but I won't hold my breath.

Thanks and hope you're having a nice Easter :)
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Online Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Just... Venting I guess
« Reply #32 on: April 24, 2011, 03:28:40 PM »
Unfortunately ... I stay up thinking... I haven't been able to sleep  for the past three days remembering our time together, the shivers I got when we kissed, the level of trust I gave him. I know it stupid, pointless, and even hurtful for me to think about him right now.

I'm sure someday I'll find someone, but I won't hold my breath.

Hey K,

As painful as memories can be, it is never stupid, pointless or hurtful, to reflect on those memories if that is what you need to heal. Emotions can be very powerful, but please remember that emotions are not good or bad, they just are. It is the actions they inspire that can be good or bad and sometimes you need to give yourself permission to just feel, without the need to do anything about any of it. Given the circumstances of your becoming infected, it is perfectly normal to have conflicting emotions and that does not mean there is anything wrong with you, only that you are feeling many emotions simultaneously. Again, nothing wrong with that, so please stop seeing it as a weakness, because it is far from weakness.

Weakness would allow you to absolve yourself of any and all blame for whatever happens in your life and it would leave you as a perpetual victim. It causes you to experience your world, as a powerless participant because it engenders feelings of worthlessness. It assumes that nothing you can ever do, will benefit you, simply because you are unworthy of anything else. It is like a cancer that will diminish your feelings of self worth and it will obscure your ability to see your life clearly.

As I read your posts, you are far from weak, because you possess great personal fortitude. You could absolve yourself of any blame for becoming infected, instead you accept your own mistakes and that can only happen, because you are stronger than you believe. You had a challenging childhood, yet look how far you have come. You move forward because of who and what you are, so never forget that fact. Where once you were a victim, you are now a survivor, so stop looking for what you lack and instead try and see all that you are.

You will find that life comes with challenges, however, if you have faith in yourself, then almost any adversity can be overcome. Yet even when they cannot be overcome, how you view yourself and your capabilities will dictate how successful you are in making it through the rough times. I also urge you to consider that just because your trust was betrayed by others, does not reflect poorly on you. It is perfectly normal to meet someone, fall in love and to give them your trust. It is never your fault, when someone betrays that trust. It is their fault, so don't ever let them make it yours.

For now, I think you just need some time to feel better about you. You have been damaged in so many ways, so go easy on you. With enough time, the hurt will diminish, but until then realize that you matter and in the end, that is all that really matters. There is nothing wrong because you feel. Just be careful to remember that you are just fine the way you are. You will never be defined solely by what you feel, but rather because of what you believe.

 


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