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Author Topic: Dealing with it, but a few big fears  (Read 1969 times)

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Offline thelovedones

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« on: March 21, 2011, 10:08:16 AM »
So, I've been on Atripla for about a week after being diagnosed a month ago. You can see my Atripla Diary in another post. I've been reading and responding to the other forum posts and trying to be as positive and helpful as possible. My outlook for the most part is better than I thought it would be. Overall I feel very lucky, but....

1. I am scared shitless of reading some of the other postings under Living With HIV. I can't even bare to go into the Lipodystrophy postings. Even though I hear it doesn't happen with Atripla, I'm still scared it might. And then what??? I feel like then I'll be forced to tell everyone, even potential employers. I'm afraid my bf won't love me anymore.

2. I'll probably be ok with insurance for the following year, but what next??? Do the drugs increase in price over time? Are there generic options that might be cheaper? Are people who are being treated in a financial hole for the rest of their lives???

3. My partner has been as supportive as he can be right now (he's negative), but I'm worried about what sex means now. I went from being a pretty sexually active (maybe too active) bottom to being scared to death of doing anything with anybody. I mean I still get horny, but the idea of touching someone or having them touch me is so strange and almost repulsive right now. How do I get over this?
2/26/11 Diagnosis at State Dept of Health (anonymous testing center)
2/28/11 Oral Swab Positive diagnosis and confirmatory blood test taken
3/4/11 Confirmed HIV Positive diagnosis; blood drawn for T-cell count, VL, and medical profile
3/11/11 VL: 192765, T-cell: 195
3/16/11 Prescribed Atripla and took Pill 1
4/29/11 - VL: 413, T-cell: 311
6/28/11 - VL: UNDETECTABLE, T-Cell: 437


"I've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine"

Offline hope_for_a_cure

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,502
Re: Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2011, 10:42:00 AM »
My outlook for the most part is better than I thought it would be.

We find the strength we need in most circumstances to deal with whatever is thrown at us.  Some of your questions about the future would be anybody's guess.  I am not minimizing your emotional state currently, just saying that it may be best to deal with some of the 'what ifs' IF they actually happen. 

As far as your sexual desires go, in time you will be more comfortable with that aspect of your life.  You may just need a little 'down time' from sexual activity right now. 

Offline mikeyb39

  • Member
  • Posts: 921
Re: Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2011, 10:50:18 AM »
Hi Thelovedone,

I kinda struggle with your number 3 a little as well.  I wasn't hugely a sexually active person before my diagnosis, but now I find  it even more intimidating meeting guys or even starting up conversations.  It was alot easier before diagnosis, but now its always something you have to keep in mind when meeting someone new.  Its unfortunate how the gay community is so HIV phobic, its a little discouraging to be honest.  Especially when you are having a great conversation with someone and in their profile they say that you must be 'clean' and ddf.  I don't really consider myself not clean.

But i guess its something that will come more easily down the road. I Know everyone isn't like that, but i find myself shying away from meeting new 'potential' dates or hookups for that matter.



11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,893
Re: Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2011, 12:02:48 PM »
Hi there,

The "fear" of lipo is statistically a non-issue, and we all age anyway so I hope in time you wouldn't find it troubling. And for the sex part, reasons will tell you that as long as you become undetectable (or a VL of <50), you're almost as non-contagious as someone HIV+ can be. And you should know by now that most sexual activities, bar unprotected penetrative sex, present almost no risk of transmission.

As for the insurance / financial part of dealing with HIV - We all need to deal with a lot of uncertainties, HIV just makes the future seems more uncertain. So the simple rule is not to get upset by a "general" sense of fear; it will only increase your sense of helplessness. Be specific about the issues you will have to deal with and prioritize them - by breaking a big problem that may not even be real or with such urgency into small problems, you may find that the smaller ones are much much easier to deal with, one by one.

So it's all in your mind my friend, so to speak. And as much a cliche as it sounds, you need time. You're lucky to have a supportive partner.. so perhaps it's wise to seek some help to not let the physical intimacy part of the relationship lapses for too long. Are you seeing a therapist now? Or any counselors you can talk to?

Hope it helps and wish you the best, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline thelovedones

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2011, 01:44:27 PM »
Hi Shaun,

First let me thank you for responding. I answered another post in a similar matter-of-fact way to someone else today and your response was refreshing and very helpful. I can give it but I don't always know how to follow it. You're right. It's in my head and prioritizing is key.

I'm actually seeing a therapist for the first time in my 40 years on this planet tomorrow and looking forward to it.

thanks
P
2/26/11 Diagnosis at State Dept of Health (anonymous testing center)
2/28/11 Oral Swab Positive diagnosis and confirmatory blood test taken
3/4/11 Confirmed HIV Positive diagnosis; blood drawn for T-cell count, VL, and medical profile
3/11/11 VL: 192765, T-cell: 195
3/16/11 Prescribed Atripla and took Pill 1
4/29/11 - VL: 413, T-cell: 311
6/28/11 - VL: UNDETECTABLE, T-Cell: 437


"I've seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine"

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,493
Re: Dealing with it, but a few big fears
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2011, 05:38:03 PM »
I mean I still get horny, but the idea of touching someone or having them touch me is so strange and almost repulsive right now. How do I get over this?

You get over this feeling, by exploring why you feel that intimacy is so strange and almost repulsive. My guess is that you somehow feel, maybe "damaged" or that nobody will want you because you are poz. Or maybe you feel guilty for how you became poz. Or... My point is, we all experience becoming poz differently and it is important for you to explore these feelings with your therapist. I also urge you to be brutally honest with your therapist, because they are your feelings and the therapist is not there to sit in judgment of you. I also believe that feelings are neither "good" or "bad", they just are. It is the behavior, that feelings can engender that you need to be careful about. Usually, the more you begin to truly understand yourself, the clearer these issues become.

I wish you well in your therapy and remember that you will only get from therapy, what you are willing to put into it. I believe you will find the answers you seek and with them, will come the knowledge that self introspection provides... but especially the contentment that comes with that knowledge.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2011, 05:39:43 PM by killfoile »

 


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