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Author Topic: Dating opinion needed  (Read 1049 times)

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Offline madeindetroit

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  • Posts: 95
Dating opinion needed
« on: August 21, 2015, 03:53:54 PM »
I know I will get valuable and honest feed back from my extended family here

Started dating a negative guy within the last 6 months.  Discloser and safe sexual practices ect ect.  A couple of times I have mentioned getting tested himself but haven't pushed the issue.  We were out for a walk last evening and passed a testing van. Brought up him testing and it spiraled into a heated conversation.

Come to find out he has not tested in well over 4 yrs now ( he is and has been sexually active in south Florida)  I explained to him that I needed to protect myself and he needed to protect himself as well.  I used rational arguments not just you need to get tested. It ended with I need to quit hassling him about it and quit trying to force him to test. He will do itbwhen he wants to.

Now....I already kinds formed an idea in my head as to how I am going to proceed.  But just looking for some experience since this is all new territory for me
7/8/2014 DX
7/2014 CD4  400 VL 88,000
8/8/2014 Started Stribild
9/2014 CD4 590 VL 250
11/2014 CD4 762 VL 183
2/2015 CD4 735 VL UD wooooohooooo
5/2015 CD4 735 VL UD 38%
8/2015 CD4 1018. UD. 42%
11/2015 CD4 1185. UD 45%

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,796
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2015, 04:33:47 PM »
hi madeindetroit,

the others that will chime in can give you better advise than me. i would just use condoms and practice safe/r sex until he tests. i my bf is neg except hep c and he was tested about 18 months into our relationship. if he is worth it you will wait and you two will figure it out.

you can lead a horse to water...

good luck,
~d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
july15 -> SWITCHED TO STRIBILD

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,841
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2015, 04:54:30 PM »
I think you have done the right thing by bringing up testing -- but you can't force him to do so.  At this point, at least from his POV, you are probably coming off as a nag.  People fear testing because they fear "bad news".  I suspect he has some past incidences of "less than safe" sex that is causing him angst.  That is certainly why I put off my last HIV test for longer than I should have -- I pretty much knew what the result was going to be.

Again -- you did right by having the conversation -- and you can bring it up again, from time to time.  Though I'd not present it as a "you need to go do this", but maybe around "have you thought any more of testing", or a discussion on why he is resistant to it.  Empathy is important here.

If his refusal to test is something you can't abide in a relationship, then you need to do what YOU need to do.  However, it never turns out well when one is trying to force someone into something they aren't ready to do.

good luck.
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2015 969/28% <20

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 17,055
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2015, 05:22:15 PM »
I think its something you need to continue to watch out for in this relationship. It would make me wonder if he is so uncomfortable with testing for HIV how comfortable will he be in a long term with a positive person if it came to that. I would proceed with eyes wide open, his actions have told you some things about him more than his words.   
HIV 101 - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline madeindetroit

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  • Posts: 95
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2015, 06:40:17 PM »
In my mind I am already thinking that if he doesn't respect himself enough or the relationship enough to get tested then maybe he doesn't respect me either.  I don't know if that is harsh or if I have swung to far to one side after my diag in protecting myself.  He did say that he is afraid of the answer but didn't press that issue much. I had that thought in my head already that maybe there is a questionable episode in the past.   

I just don't want to come across as a self righteous I have all the answers
and if you don't comply I will send you away type person.


 
7/8/2014 DX
7/2014 CD4  400 VL 88,000
8/8/2014 Started Stribild
9/2014 CD4 590 VL 250
11/2014 CD4 762 VL 183
2/2015 CD4 735 VL UD wooooohooooo
5/2015 CD4 735 VL UD 38%
8/2015 CD4 1018. UD. 42%
11/2015 CD4 1185. UD 45%

Offline ianmx

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2015, 07:44:13 PM »
Don't negotiate something that you feel is important to a relationship. Everyone is different but if this is what YOU want then the person you are involved with should be willing to provide that for you, that is what relationships are, they are not dictatorships. His unwillingness to be tested is surely based on fear, but also shows his lack of dedication to the relationship. Get tested or I will leave you.. oh, ok, pack your bags, i am not scared of you leaving, just my results, losing my relationship isn't nearly as important (isn't that the message being sent). hahahah

We all do things that we really don't want to do, but we do because it's important to our partners. It is OK to explain that you disclosed your status to him because you cared about him and wanted to protect him and that disclosure isn't easy, it mostly leads to rejection, and you opened yourself up because it was important. Now it is time to tell you his status.

Withhold sex until he has a test. At best you played the sex card but one more person in this world learned their status because of you, one small step towards stopping the spreading of HIV. Not bad all in a days work  :P

Good luck, i know having to choose between someone you care about and something that is morally important to you sucks.. most of the time we always sell ourselves out just to keep a relationship and we regret it later.

Ian
« Last Edit: August 21, 2015, 07:49:28 PM by ianmx »
i haven't lost all my marbles, but there is a hole in the bag.

Offline bocker3

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  • Posts: 3,841
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2015, 11:41:21 PM »
Ultimately, you have to be true to yourself and if his not running out to get tested because you asked is something that is a "deal breaker" for a relationship, then you have to do what you have to do.
However -- if you want to have an ongoing relationship, then you probably need to talk about WHY he doesn't want to go.  Don't do it as a way to push him, do as a way to help understand what is behind it.  Knowing this may open up a better path to helping him get past his fear, or whatever, and get tested.

Remember, as Ian said -- a relationship is NOT a dictatorship -- you can't make him do anything (though, I think I'm turning it around from Ian's point here).  So, YOU have to decide how to handle this.  An ultimatum is almost NEVER a good thing for a relationship -- even if he were to "give in" he'd likely resent it and you.

As for "protecting yourself"?  How is an HIV test going to protect you?  you're already positive??  You're using condoms (at least, that is how I read it)?  So, he's not going to give you HIV.

Jeff's advice is spot on though -- if finding out his HIV status is this fear inducing to him, he might get freaked about your status at some point too -- especially if he ever does test and it comes back Neg!

Good luck,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2015 969/28% <20

Offline tednlou2

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  • Posts: 5,706
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2015, 01:21:46 AM »
I know I was scared to test.  I did go test anonymously, but I didn't return for the results.  I just didn't want that news.  Stupid, of course. 

As was already said, his testing for HIV is not going to protect your health.  If I were starting an exclusive relationship being poz, I would want him to test for other STI's, including Hep B and C.  I never got a good immune response to the Hep B vaccine, so that's why it would be on my list. 

I do believe you want him to know his HIV status, because you care about him and knowing his status will benefit him.  But, he obviously isn't there yet.  So, I would maybe not discuss HIV testing for a while.  Maybe the longer he knows you, the more he will learn about HIV and maybe he will see testing is smart.  He sees you living with HIV and maybe he will eventually decide a possible positive test will not be the worst thing that could happen to him. 

If you've been seeing him 6 months, then there is obviously an attraction and caring there.  I wish you two the best. 


Offline Denvaux

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  • Posts: 334
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2015, 07:27:11 AM »
You can't push people in to testing as they have to make up their own minds. A person that has been sexually active is very likely aware of the risks and any rational person today knows that testing and knowing their status is the right way to go, as being positive and not knowing is like living in the late 1970s all over again.
 I used the term rational because there is a common block to being rational on this issue and that block is called fear.  This person is I'm sure not an idiot, but he has fear issues to deal with and you will never push a fearful person in to testing...... the fear factor needs addressing so as to bring about rational thinking and behaviour- getting tested.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,021
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Dating opinion needed
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2015, 09:16:03 AM »
I have known perfectly nice, rational, responsible, respectful men who had a glitch and dreaded getting tested.  I don't think his refusal has anything to do with you OP or your relationship.  As bocker and others say, you can't force it and you don't want to be a nag.  If it really bugs you, stop going out with him, just be friends. 

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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