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Author Topic: 23 year old positive male. Worried I have no future. Extremely depressed.  (Read 10062 times)

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Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
All my life I tried to do whats right..... Go to school, be good, get a job, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, buy a house etc..... But I'm having doubts that I will EVER get married/have children or have a future.

After recently being diagnosed this past January, I've dealing with my positive status like a roller coaster: up and down, up and down. All alone. Its like I'm living a double life. And its not healthy but its all I can do right now.  What negative girl is gonna be with a positive guy like me? Yes there are girls out there, neg and poz, but I just don't know at this point. It's highly likely I wont be able to get in a relationship in the coming years because of my status. I know I'm thinking way ahead too early, but I think it's realistic. I'm 23 yrs old straight male, graduated college, started a good job that I work 9-5, Mon-Fri, have a good family... the next steps in my life is to save and by a house/condo or move out, and of course to get married/have children.  I want to have at least one child by age 30, but I doubt that's gonna happen at all. I rally don't wanna have kids too late in life like 40+, because I want them to grow with me so I can see them age and grow up, while Im not too old myself. I want to have a part of me living when I'm gone.

I still have yet to tell a soul about my status and don't think I ever will. I still live at home with my mom, dad and 3 siblings. I'm the 2nd of four children. All I do is go to work, go home and stay in my room and sit on the computer/watch tv, I go to the gym 3 times a week but that's about it. Work. Gym. Bedroom. I don't go out with friends as much as I used to, just stay in my room at home. What's wrong with me? Any girl that seems interested in me, I try to slowly brush them off or make up an excuse, mainly because of my status which I do not disclose due to fear of rejection, perception and the spread of my status to others.

I don't feel comfortable disclosing to anybody, whether family or friend. I'm at home alone sitting here on a Saturday night doing absolutely nothing. I guess that's what the next 20 years will be as long as I'm positive. Will things get better in the future? I hope so, but its likely not gonna happen. Until some "miracle therapeutic vaccine" comes out within the next 5 years, or some type of treatment where HIV can be eradicated or controlled without taking a damn pill everyday, I don't see myself getting in another relationship. As long as I'm positive I don't see myself progressing a person in life. My life has come to a complete halt ever since my diagnosis.

And I don't think I will disclose my status to anyone....EVER. The only person that knows is my HIV specialist, my counselor my family doc and that's about it. I'm taking this to my death bed, or until there is some type of func cure/cure out there then I will disclose my status at that point, but since a cure/functional cure will probably never happen, my new life as a HIV positive individual which will be cut short, will be a solitary one. I do read some of the news and research about cures "in the foreseeable future" all over the net an on here, but I just don't know what to believe.

I am not a suicidal person, but I ask myself..... Whats the point of me being on earth? Maybe I should go now, because god is for sure calling me. There is no point whatsoever of me being on earth right now, but I can let this out to anyone I care about. I keep everything to myself. Just sitting here thinking about my mother and how much she has done and sacrificed for me, my eyes begin to water. Disclosing to her will let her know how much of a failure I am.

Now I know you guys will say things like: I'm still young things will get better, you guys have been living with this for years and are doing great, I'm going through a phase and its common, or its the Atripla I'm taking, and I need a counselor to speak to, I should disclose to my family or someone close etc....but I don't know if that's gonna help at all. I have spoken to a counselor already and I did relieve some stress already, but this is so hard doing this all alone all by myself especially a relatively young age compared to others. I don't feel sick or anything like that thank god, but my mind is all over the place. I pray that things will get better in the next couple of years, not just for me, but for all positive individuals out there. Whether its advanced treatment options, or something good comes out of science by the grace of god.

I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that I'm poz, and its slowly getting better day by day, but at times that roller coaster of emotions comes back. Up and down. Right now I am obviously down. Very down. I know I should worry and take care of myself/my health in the present first and foremost before anything, and stop thinking about the future too much because tomorrow is not promised for anyone. But I just feel all the dreams that I thought were possible for me just are not possible anymore. I've accomplished many goals in life already and would like to continue that checklist of goals, but my mind tells me otherwise. HIV is such a huge obstacle in my life. I just don't know how to deal with it at right now. I just hope things do not get worse.

Now I know this post looks like, "cure", "future", "have kids", repeated over and over, etc. but I can't stop thinking about myself in the net 5-10 years being positive. Where will I be? How will HIV change me? Will I be able to continue living normally? So far so good, but can I only hope for the best. I do appreciate what the current meds do already and how things have changed in the last 10-15 yrs, and I also know no one out there can predict the future for anyone. I just hope that I can put this HIV positive status in the back of my mind and try to just continue to live.

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,305
  • His name is Carl.
No, actually I'm not going to tell you that you are young and things will get better - because they absolutely will NOT get any better if you don't snap the hell out of it.

I'm not saying this to be mean.  I am saying this because I care, and this is the best thing I can think to tell you. 

Snap the hell out of it.  Quit feeling so damn sorry for yourself, and be thankful that you have medicine available to you that keeps you alive.  Many - even in this country - do not.  Does it seem unfair to you that you were infected?  Does that mean it WAS fair for anyone else?

Look...I know this is still kinda new to you, but just take a big breath, man.  Concentrate on the areas of your life that you CAN work on and keep climbing upward.

And don't sell other people so short by assuming that no one will ever want anything to do with you.

And also be thankful you've got places like this to turn to.  In fact, it might do you some good to revisit the areas you mentioned above in which you can be thankful and then try to add to that list and concentrate on those things.

The biggest block at the moment seems to be the one in your head, but that can clear in time - if you'll let it.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,044
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Are you getting counseling?
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline CaptCarl

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  • Located in the Palinsville subdivision, JesusLand
mb-

   Tim has pretty much told you what you need to hear. It will be rough for awhile, but eventually you will adjust, and grow to accept what life has handed you. IF you allow yourself to do so.

   I too was diagnosed when I was 23 years old. I will be 46 this coming August. I have now been positive for half of my life. I let my diagnosis stop me from doing all sorts of things when I was younger because I didn't feel that I had any kind of future. If I had known that I did have a future, I would have done some things differently. You most definitely DO have a future, maybe not the one you envisioned, but a future nonetheless. The future you have ahead of you is just like the future you think you are going to miss out on in that it wil lbe dictated by your thoughts and actions.

   Look at it his way. You cannot change the fact that you are HIV positive, it is now a fact of life for you. You no longer have any control over that. The thing you DO have control over however, is how you choose to handle it. You can spend your time lamenting an unchangeable situation, or you can learn to deal with it in an appropriate manner, and continue forward with your life. The choice is yours, make the best decision you can make.

   Give yourself some time to get over the shock, grief, and anger first though. Be gentle with yourself for having made the mistake that put you in this situation. You may wish to consider counseling to learn how to cope with this life-changing event. I know it helped me a lot. Another thing that helped me out was joining a support group. It was reassuring to meet others in the same situation who had been there, and knew what I was going through. They helped me though some rough times. I highly recommend suppoert groups for the newly diagnosed. There are some tricky waters ahead of you, and a support group can help navigate them.

   Eventually, you will be okay. I promise. Just give yourself time to adjust. And keep coming back here for some of the help you'll need. It's a good group of people that we have, and we're all there to help you in any way we can. Good luck to you my young freind.

CaptCarl
« Last Edit: March 12, 2011, 10:28:00 PM by CaptCarl »
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
Thanks for the responses guys.

I have had a few counseling sessions so far with my counselor and also had talks with my HIV specialist here and there. They have helped me out a bit and I'm grateful for that. I am also grateful for this site because you guys and others on this site have helped me get out of the dumps ever since I first joined this forum after being diagnosed. You guys are kinda like my counselors as well which is totally cool.

But for the most part I have learned to accept my status but once in a while, like today for example, all these thoughts just come outta nowhere and overload my brain, that I have to just let it all out. It's not everyday where I am thinking like this. Yes, just about everyday HIV is on my mind, but the specific thoughts on my mind from the first post are not always on my mind (if that makes any sense).  I don't really have anyone to talk about how I feel and my thoughts on HIV since I decided not to release my status to a living soul, so this is probably the only place I have at times. I'm completely doing this on my own which is the hardest part, but I do have my counselor and specialist for help and as well you guys.... But they are not there all time I guess. For example today is a wknd so I can't really call my counselor since she's obviously not at her desk on a Saturday night.

My counselor did recommend a "newly diagnosed" groups that I could probably attend to hear others going through what I am going through right now, and to know that I am not alone... but I just don't think I'm ready for that/feel comfortable at this moment.

I know in time I will adjust to it better than I am now, and I will be better but just don't know when that will be. No one knows and its different for everyone of course but its kinda hard when I am going though it. What do you guys do to get your mind in the right direction and to think positive? (no pun intended)

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,305
  • His name is Carl.
Well, good.  As long as I know that that is all it is, then vent away.  As long as you aren't wallowing in it on a day to day basis and letting it stop you from moving forward altogether.

You simply don't know for sure what life might bring you.  We have a member on here who just recently had a baby - so there!  And look how far treatment has come.  I am not one for rose coloured glasses, but I am not one to abandon all hope either. 

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,044
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Your not alone bro! Vent here anytime and hang in there. It gets better!
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,044
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
What do you guys do to get your mind in the right direction and to think positive? (no pun intended)

Dude, my initial diagnoses was for full blown AIDS. Talk about post-traumatic stress and all that, I don't know that I will ever recover from hearing that news, however, almost a year later my numbers have improved dramatically, I am in good health and this disease is no longer the first thing I think about in the morning or the last thing I think about at night.

It takes time and to be honest, I can't tell you I am over it because I am not sure what that is. Some of these guys here have really good heads on their shoulders and the key point I read over and over again is this. HIV/AIDS is no longer a death sentence and it is not, necessarily, a life ending disease anymore. It can be managed. Yes, each person is different and reacts differently to the meds and so on but the reality is you have it, you can't turn back the hands of time so hope for the best.

I was lucky to have a team of doctors here in Houston, one of whom was treating AIDS back in the 80's in New York City. He told me right after my diagnoses not to worry, that they have the medicine to reverse these (lab) numbers. He was right, they do and they did. It's not the same disease as it was 30 years ago. It CAN be managed and life CAN go on but don't let your mind get in the way. OK?  ;)

(((HUGS)))
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline surf18

  • Member
  • Posts: 525
that is a good point drew. one thing that is never disucssed is right ,how do we ever recover from the news? the whole situation.most of us our alone when we hear it and most are nt even expecting it and most hear from an unqualified dr who doesnt know shit about it. and i know for one i still shiver and want to throw up when my mind goes back there. and im still sickened by thought that my dr gave me this horrific news with me all by myself and then i had to leave and walk by the all the nurses and other patients and i had to go to check out an pay my fuckng 25 dollar co pay! are you serious! he couldnt have ushered me out the side door and just bill me my 25 bucks?
so yes post truama stress caused by dx ,yes i agree it exists/

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,044
  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
As much as I don't think I was shocked at hearing the dx, I was shocked. I don't care how ready someone thinks they are, those words probably linger forever. My dx doc didn't know much about HIV/AIDS so he sent in another doc from MD Anderson Cancer Center who is an infectious disease doc who really calmed a lot of my fears and answered my questions. He really reassured me that this could be managed.

My current ID doc is very aggressive with this disease and has stayed on top of all of my concerns. I am being treated at an HIV clinic and have case management and psychiatric help as well. I realize how fortunate I am to have these services. This disease does not manage me, at the moment, I manage it. I watch my health much closer now and follow the medicine routine flawlessly. I get my labs done on time and look forward to a long life.

I was pretty sick last spring when I was dxd, had pneumonia and was in the hospital. I had lost 40 pounds and was so weak I was riding the handicapped carts at the grocery store. Walking across the living room winded me to the point of having to sit down. It reminded me of my 91 year old grandmother and it SUCKED.

My improving health has provided benchmarks that are positive so it has helped with this experience.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
drewm, you are handling it way better than I am AND you had a waaaay worse diagnosis than I did. Your a soldier. A true soldier.

I have been told that it can be manageable, its like diabetes, life expectancy is near normal, the meds are better than before etc..... but its still hard to take in the fact just being positive and how its going to change my future (that's if I have one). Now that I'm positive, I gotta worry about other things that come along the way, such as kidney problems, liver problems, hiv+ people have deficiency in this, hiv+ must also take that etc.... Its just too much. Times like right now are extremely hard. Its like my life was going well as it was, then I hit a brick wall. But hearing you speak drewm, it could be worse. My status is nothing compared to what you have been through and I glad that you got though your troubles and you are still here.

I just hope that If it think positive (again, no pun intened), I can achieve the goals in life that Ive always wanted to and my poz status does not hold me back from doing so.

I just took my atripla and it just contributed to the thoughts in my mind to stay there, and wont go away.

Offline tednlou2

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  • Posts: 4,767
mb, you should try to find someone else in your town who is poz who you can talk to, if you can't see yourself ever telling anyone you know.  I'm not sure if you live in a small town, but you'd be amazed at how many are poz in small towns and need someone to talk to as well and go through this thing with.  You could search on the internet...poz personals isn't just for hook-ups.  I think everyone needs at least one person who they can talk with when they need to.  Internet conversations are good, but it would be nice to have at least one person, live and in person, who you can get together with and talk.

I've known for just over 2 years.  I, too, got the news in the hospital.  The doc had a young med assistant come and brace me for the news.  I remember her saying, "The doctor is coming to see you.  He needs to talk to you about your HIV test."  I knew it wasn't going to be good.  If the test were neg, the doctor wouldn't come see me.  It is hard enough to get a doctor to come see you in the hospital.  My heart began pounding and I started to have a panic attack.  My partner kept saying it doesn't mean anything and he's probably coming to tell me it is neg.  Again, I said he wouldn't send someone to brace me for the news and he wouldn't deliver a neg status himself.  So, he comes in and tells me I actually have AIDS.  Well, it just seemed like I was in some bad dream.  I've had bad dreams that seemed so real, but I would wake up and all would be fine.  I began having this moment where I was trying to wake myself up, because I was sure it was all just a bad dream. 

PTSD is real and HIV docs don't discuss it and depression enough.  In fact, I don't think my doc has ever asked me about my mental health.  I've seen a therapist, but I know I have been lax on that.  I really should be seeing a good one at least every 3 months or so.  HIV rarely leaves my mind.  There are times when I'm with friends and I don't think about it.  But, that is rare.  Today, I did not want to even take a shower.  I was feeling down about everything.  My partner made me get up and go to the home and garden show with him--at 6pm.  I think it is just a process we all have to get through.  If you have clinical depression, it makes it that much worse.  And, PTSD!!  I've become a big believer in that.  When my therapist told me I had that, I thought only soldiers got that.  I didn't know. 

I go through the "why me?"  My best friend just moved back in with me.  I'll be frank--he is the biggest ho.  He keeps testing negative.  I often find myself jealous and mad at that.  I know that is unhealthy thinking--I'm basically wishing HIV on him.  But, we have irrational thoughts.  He has so many other friends who back up to glory holes every weekend and keep testing neg.  I find myself thinking how unfair.  But, that is life.  Again, irrational thinking, but I can't help it sometimes.  I don't want to see them get HIV, but the evil part of me does.  Got to control that evil part, because it is self-destructive. 

You are just 2 months into this?  I remember the first 8 months after my diagnosis actually were some of the best, strangely.  I would wake up very early and get tons of stuff done.  I think I must have been in denial or that survival mechanism was kicking in.  Then, I started feeling worse.  I think reality was setting in.  That is when I found this group.  I'm sad that you don't have anyone to go through this with.  Again, if you cannot tell any of your family and friends, seek out someone in your area who is also poz.  We're here, but it is not the same as having a physical person there to have dinner with and discuss your feelings and their's.  From someone who is still finding my way, that is they only advice I could give.  And, stay in therapy.  I've made the mistake of going way too long between visits.  This is a reminder I should call Monday.                 

Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
Wow tednlou2, I'm touched by your story.  I'm in Toronto, a big city so I'm sure there are lots others that are poz that I could probably talk to. I did some talking on the phone so far, and that's about it. Haven't talked face-to-face to a poz person yet, since being diagnosed.

But looking at your blood work, your cd4 counts have gone up quite a bit which is good. My family doc wasn't all that helpful all when he first told me the news. Maybe because he didn't know too much about HIV itself, so he directed me to speak with a nurse at public heath, who was very helpful, and then she got me in touch with a HIV specialist, whom is wonderful. She has been working with HIV since the early 80's so she has a lot of knowledge. I do think I might need some counseling so that I could learn to make a better adjustment.  I

I don't know if there is anyone of this site in the Toronto, probably not, but I should probably start looking around.  The counselors I peak wit are kinda helpful, but I think it be even more helpful to speak with someone who has actually been through what I'm going through.

I don't even have a girlfriend and I'm even afraid now to have one. I fear rejection, and fear itself so much that I chose not to.

I don't know man. today is another day. another day of sorrow. I thank god that Im still alive and I will live each day to its fullest.

Offline SteveInToronto

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  • Posts: 55

I don't know if there is anyone of this site in the Toronto, probably not, but I should probably start looking around.  The counselors I peak wit are kinda helpful, but I think it be even more helpful to speak with someone who has actually been through what I'm going through.

There are a few of us from TO on the site, mbpoz... if you need to chat, feel free to PM.

Steve

Offline Inchlingblue

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Apart from the great advice you've gotten so far i just want to add: depression is a side effect that has been reported in some people taking Atripla. 

I'm not saying this is the case with you but it's something to be aware of and talk to your doctor about if necessary. If you do switch meds there are other excellent alternatives out there but don't just stop taking Atripla because that could lead to NNRTI resistance.

In my opinion, the scariest thing about HIV nowadays is not having health care coverage and this is something that you probably don't have to worry about living in Canada. I could be wrong, I've heard different accounts of how the Canadian health care system works but it seems to me it's pretty much considered to be universal health care, i.e. people don't end up on waiting lists to get HIV meds the way they do in the good ol' USA.

 

Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
Hi Inch.... I wont stop taking the Atripla... Im very fortunate that we have come along way and HIV can be controlled by just taking this one pill @ night everyday. I dont have an issue with that at all. Adherance is not an issue at all with me... I dont think I'd miss a pill, so Im not really gonna worry about that. I carry an extra in my wallet, in my work bag etc, just in case because Im that kind of person. The healthcare side of this is also not bad as well... I have insurance through work which covers a large percentage, and on top of that what I pay out of pocket can be covered as along as I pay a deductible towards a drug program through the province of Ontario. The deductible is based on my income, so theres no issues there either. I guess what makes me depressed is when I am thinking forward. I know no one can predict the future, but Im just hoping for the best. I hope I can still acheive all the goals I did before but being poz is suc a major obstacle. My main goals is to get a girl and have some babies, but that going to be a real challenge, mainly disclosing my status. Once I get over that hump, its mostly smooth sailing from there, but thats a very large hump. Again Im grateful that meds can keep us living a long healthy life, and I have a good job,nand have good coverage... But what HIV holds with the future is very uncertain and makes thins extremely difficult. Its hard doing it on my own and Im getting better and better with it everyday, but here and there I still have some off days. I understand Atripla has its side effects but I dont think its the meds talking right now.... (Excuse any spelling mistakes above, Im typing from my blackberry @ the grocery store right now lol)

Offline Malinka

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  • Posts: 19
mbpoz ----
Hi there. I actually just signed up here, and your post was the first I saw. Which is cool, because me and you are the same age and for a long time, everything you said was exactly how I felt (and at low times, still do).
I was diagnosed when I was 16 (I'll be 23 in Nov) and I thought my life is over. I thought : I can't have kids, no man will want to go near me etc.  But... I have a beautiful 2 year old son who is negative.. and the two boyfriends (one being my ex commonlaw husband) I have had since I tested positive... have been negative themselves (and still are )
Anyways, I'm not trying to butt in and talk about myself.. but I was thinking if you wanted somebody to talk to..you can make a new email for yourself (so that you don't have to worry about me knowing your real name and stuff) and email me. I honestly have never in all these years talked to somebody who is positive and even close to my age. I think we can probably relate in alot of things.
my email is :
kalinkamalinka@hotmail.com.
I was trying to find a way to just private msg you with it, but I haven't really figured out how the site works so yeah. I would be very happy to hear from you. I type fast and love reading/writing so yeah :))

P.S. You are from Toronto? My family was thinking of moving there last year, but decided to stay here. (Vancouver)

Offline mbpoz6

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  • Posts: 82
Hi Malinka. Thanks for your post. I tried emailing you but the email doesn't work at all. for some reason.

You can email me at mbpoz6@gmail.com

Offline Inchlingblue

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The PM feature on the site starts working after a person has a minimum number of posts, I think it's 3.

Offline MarcoPoz

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  • Posts: 396
Mb--

I was about your age when I was diagnosed.  It's been almost 20 years now.  Hang in there.  So far you're doing ok--you said you hadn't told anyone or talked to others who are HIV positive--but you found us here--GOOD start!

Now--this isn't a sprint and what you're feeling and dealing with now will not last forever.  Hang in there, keep looking for and utilizing the support you can get.  It may all seem too much right now and overwhelm you at times--try to take it slow and deal with things in small bite-sized pieces :)

Main thing--reach out to others who are in your same circumstance.  You're not alone.  Once you really see that, it can be a good base to build on.

Nothing is going to take HIV away (until there's a cure) but you can really learn how to live well and have meaning in your life.

Hang in there!  We're here for ya.

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,490
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
If you are waiting to feel no fear at all about disclosure then I guess nothing is going to move forward for you.
Gather up your courage and attend the newly diagnosed group,all the life goals you have are possible but they will not come knocking on your bedroom door.
I was very lucky to have a Father who was 43 when I came along, I benefited from the maturity he had. 
Marcopoz and everyone else who have posted have said what I would off said apart from the above. ,but I will repeat the hang in there take care and I am Glad you are posting here
Theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline newt

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,877
  • the one and original newt
Disclosure is a process, so don't rush, take your time. I can guarantee you that in 6 months won't be in the same place. An HIV diagnosis is a shock and it is right to treat it as such.

Tis true HIV closes doors with some people and opens them with others, but I say from experience the others, they really, really love you for who you are. The main battle is accepting yourself. There is no route map, and importantly, no time limit, for achieving this,

 - matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
I was just like you 22 yrs ago, I was 32 yrs old, but I never thought I wouldn't have a future of course you'll have a future, if you take care of yourself, so I'm in agreement w/ everyone here, don't be so hard on yourself
seek out some professional counseling, and come here often, lots of great info here  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline mbpoz6

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Thanks for the replies guys. I'm hanging in there. I'm doing much better than I did a few days ago.

I actually am going to meet with a youth group co-coordinator, one-on-one this week. I think this will be a good start. I'm not ready for the whole big group thing, but This is just one step forward. Slowly I'm adjusting and hopefully I will continue to adjust.

Offline DanMo

  • Member
  • Posts: 235
  • Finally undetectable! ;D
Hi mb,

I've been following your threads and I'm glad to see that you're doing better.

I'm also 23 and I just got the confirmatory diagnosis today. But I've been dealing with the stress for a month now. I know exactly what you mean by the whole roller-coaster of emotions.

I'm glad you decided to meet up with someone to give you advice in person. There's a local organization here that I've started going to and they seem like a great thing to have on my side.

Let us know how it goes for you man!

Dan
“I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling.” —Frida Kahlo

11 Feb 2011 - Preliminary positive
07 Mar 11 - Inconclusive WB
14 Mar 11 - Diagnosed positive
05 Apr 11 - 355 (21%) / VL: 186,054
27 Apr 11 - 390 (20%) / VL: 285,095
06 Jun 11 - 298 (19%) / VL:  78,380
01 Aug 11 - > STARTED ATRIPLA <
30 Aug 11 - 699 (31%) / VL: 1,938
03 Nov 11 -                / VL: 645
27 Dec 11 - 559 (35%) / VL: 1,189
11 Jan 12 -                 / VL: <20
09 Apr 12 - 686 (40%) / VL: UD
11 Jul 12 - 793 (37%) / VL: 25

Offline metekrop

  • Member
  • Posts: 354
Hey dear.  You don't need to be depressed.  You can have a child.  I have a wonderful son whose age is now four.  He and his mother are negative.  I and my wife were denialists that time.  I gave birth to this child just less than two years before I came down of the HIV disease (AIDS).  You will be amazed.  If my wife has that courage, I am sure I will be adding another child again.  My life is full but too much carful.
Diag on Dec 8, 2000, CD 440 VL 44K, No Meds
Dec/08 - Feb/09 CD< 50 & VL >500k hosp'z.
St. Atripla - July/09 CD 179, VL 197k
Oct/09 CD 300 VL UD Chol 267
Mar/10 CD 468 UD, Ch 220
Aug/10 CD 460 UD, Ch 195
Dec/10 CD 492 UD, Ch 172
Mar/11 CD 636 UD, Ch 201
Aug/11 CD 530 UD, Ch 98
Jan/12 cd 616 UD, ch 189
Jul/12 CD 640 UD, Ch ?
Dec/12 CD 669 Ud, Ch 125
May/7 CD711 Ud, Ch?
Nov/ 22 663 UD, Ch,
April 17 CD 797, UD

Offline Delby

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
I promise you that one day you will look back on these times and realise how far you've come and how different your mindset and perspective now is. You will be so grateful that 'someone' or some force guided you through these difficult times, by gently holding your hand without you even knowing it.

You won't even know how you've got to where you are...it's a long journey which takes time, but one day you will wake up and think..actually I haven't thought about HIV so much today? It will always be with you, but instead of being a huge dark bolder in front of you, it will be reduced to a small stone you can put in your pocket.

I was suicidal. Every thought I had for the first 8-12 months was how I was going to end my life. But had I gone through with my plans, then I wouldn't of married a beautiful negative girl, had a beautiful healthy baby boy (also neg!!), started my own business, gone on holidays and enjoyed life.

I don't know how long it will last for...could be 50 yrs, could be much less, but we're not the only one's with a 'fixed' time frame on this planet. Every single one of us will leave one day. Some quicker than others. I am reminded of a young friend of mine who passed away at the age of 26 from cancer last week. She would of bitten my arm off to live one more day...even if it meant with HIV.

I'm 33, male, straight, married, with one baby boy and like you i accomplished all those things after I found out I was positive. Be patient with yourself. Be patient. Don't beat yourself up ok. It will take time to adjust but if you don't go out there and get the fullest from life, then you are doing yourself an injustice.

Delby

Offline mbpoz6

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Hi mb,

I've been following your threads and I'm glad to see that you're doing better.

I'm also 23 and I just got the confirmatory diagnosis today. But I've been dealing with the stress for a month now. I know exactly what you mean by the whole roller-coaster of emotions.

I'm glad you decided to meet up with someone to give you advice in person. There's a local organization here that I've started going to and they seem like a great thing to have on my side.

Let us know how it goes for you man!

Dan
Hi Dan. Thanks for replying. Sorry I didnt geet a chance to reply to you yesterday. I ts looke like I just missed ya by 5 mins.

I'm going to meet with a a counselor/coordinator that runs a program in Toronto, Canada for positive youth. She is also poz herself and sounds very helpful when I contacted her. Im hoping everything goes well. Its a one on one meeting (thats what I feel most comfortable with at the moment) that we will just talk and she can kinda guide me and answer questions that I have.  This site of course has been very helpful as well. many of the other guys on here like Inch, leatherman, Jeff, Malinka and many others that I have not named (too many) have been really great. Its good to know that Im not alone and there are others that are knowledgeable and helpful out there. I just thought to myself..... What if we were in 1995 right now and I was diagnosed? There would probably be no widely available speedy internet forum like this where I could get some immediate help 24/7 . No ASO websites to check out, etc., and things would just be harder. Not to mention, the good HAART meds came out in 1996, so things may have leven ooked worse.

Offline metekrop

  • Member
  • Posts: 354
I promise you that one day you will look back on these times and realise how far you've come and how different your mindset and perspective now is. You will be so grateful that 'someone' or some force guided you through these difficult times, by gently holding your hand without you even knowing it.

You won't even know how you've got to where you are...it's a long journey which takes time, but one day you will wake up and think..actually I haven't thought about HIV so much today? It will always be with you, but instead of being a huge dark bolder in front of you, it will be reduced to a small stone you can put in your pocket.

I was suicidal. Every thought I had for the first 8-12 months was how I was going to end my life. But had I gone through with my plans, then I wouldn't of married a beautiful negative girl, had a beautiful healthy baby boy (also neg!!), started my own business, gone on holidays and enjoyed life.

I don't know how long it will last for...could be 50 yrs, could be much less, but we're not the only one's with a 'fixed' time frame on this planet. Every single one of us will leave one day. Some quicker than others. I am reminded of a young friend of mine who passed away at the age of 26 from cancer last week. She would of bitten my arm off to live one more day...even if it meant with HIV.

I'm 33, male, straight, married, with one baby boy and like you i accomplished all those things after I found out I was positive. Be patient with yourself. Be patient. Don't beat yourself up ok. It will take time to adjust but if you don't go out there and get the fullest from life, then you are doing yourself an injustice.

Delby

That is all true.......
Diag on Dec 8, 2000, CD 440 VL 44K, No Meds
Dec/08 - Feb/09 CD< 50 & VL >500k hosp'z.
St. Atripla - July/09 CD 179, VL 197k
Oct/09 CD 300 VL UD Chol 267
Mar/10 CD 468 UD, Ch 220
Aug/10 CD 460 UD, Ch 195
Dec/10 CD 492 UD, Ch 172
Mar/11 CD 636 UD, Ch 201
Aug/11 CD 530 UD, Ch 98
Jan/12 cd 616 UD, ch 189
Jul/12 CD 640 UD, Ch ?
Dec/12 CD 669 Ud, Ch 125
May/7 CD711 Ud, Ch?
Nov/ 22 663 UD, Ch,
April 17 CD 797, UD

Offline DanMo

  • Member
  • Posts: 235
  • Finally undetectable! ;D
Hi Dan. Thanks for replying. Sorry I didnt geet a chance to reply to you yesterday. I ts looke like I just missed ya by 5 mins.

I'm going to meet with a a counselor/coordinator that runs a program in Toronto, Canada for positive youth. She is also poz herself and sounds very helpful when I contacted her. Im hoping everything goes well. Its a one on one meeting (thats what I feel most comfortable with at the moment) that we will just talk and she can kinda guide me and answer questions that I have.  This site of course has been very helpful as well. many of the other guys on here like Inch, leatherman, Jeff, Malinka and many others that I have not named (too many) have been really great. Its good to know that Im not alone and there are others that are knowledgeable and helpful out there. I just thought to myself..... What if we were in 1995 right now and I was diagnosed? There would probably be no widely available speedy internet forum like this where I could get some immediate help 24/7 . No ASO websites to check out, etc., and things would just be harder. Not to mention, the good HAART meds came out in 1996, so things may have leven ooked worse.

Hi MB,

It's interesting that your counselor is HIV+ herself, I haven't spoken yet to any counselors that are HIV+ at the center that I've gone to. I think it would feel much better. I know the people that have helped me there are professionals and they certainly care about helping people (since it's kinda like a charity organization); but I sometimes feel uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe that feeling will pass. I think it'd be nice to have the perspective of someone with HIV in person to speak to.

I've been comforting myself by appreciating the good in my life right now. I have help from the local ASO, the County Health Department will be providing me care (since I don't have medical insurance), I don't have any other illness right now, school is going fantastically, I LOVE my job (and I actually like my boss!). It's true that I'm still pissed off/sad/scared right now, and my mom is worried crazy... but I'm hoping that with time things will calm down when she sees that I'm not withering away or anything. I decided not to go to work or school today (just to "mourn" a little, you know?)

So it's definitely true man, things could be worse and we have to be grateful that they are not.

Dan
“I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling.” —Frida Kahlo

11 Feb 2011 - Preliminary positive
07 Mar 11 - Inconclusive WB
14 Mar 11 - Diagnosed positive
05 Apr 11 - 355 (21%) / VL: 186,054
27 Apr 11 - 390 (20%) / VL: 285,095
06 Jun 11 - 298 (19%) / VL:  78,380
01 Aug 11 - > STARTED ATRIPLA <
30 Aug 11 - 699 (31%) / VL: 1,938
03 Nov 11 -                / VL: 645
27 Dec 11 - 559 (35%) / VL: 1,189
11 Jan 12 -                 / VL: <20
09 Apr 12 - 686 (40%) / VL: UD
11 Jul 12 - 793 (37%) / VL: 25

Offline mbpoz6

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Hi MB,

It's interesting that your counselor is HIV+ herself, I haven't spoken yet to any counselors that are HIV+ at the center that I've gone to. I think it would feel much better. I know the people that have helped me there are professionals and they certainly care about helping people (since it's kinda like a charity organization); but I sometimes feel uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe that feeling will pass. I think it'd be nice to have the perspective of someone with HIV in person to speak to.

I've been comforting myself by appreciating the good in my life right now. I have help from the local ASO, the County Health Department will be providing me care (since I don't have medical insurance), I don't have any other illness right now, school is going fantastically, I LOVE my job (and I actually like my boss!). It's true that I'm still pissed off/sad/scared right now, and my mom is worried crazy... but I'm hoping that with time things will calm down when she sees that I'm not withering away or anything. I decided not to go to work or school today (just to "mourn" a little, you know?)

So it's definitely true man, things could be worse and we have to be grateful that they are not.

Dan

Yeah the councelor I will be seeing one on one said she "used to be in my shoes" only a few years ago and later on became a counselor herself, so that she could help those that are in need, like the way she was helped out.

The fact that she's poz will be a bit more helpful, but I will have to meet and speak with her... and wait and see what happens. I do agree, from the perspective of a person that has "been there", it might be a little more understanding to me.

Good to her school and work are going well for you. Ever since my diagnosis. I have yet to miss a day of work, except one day where I called in sick so that I could get my blood work done. My job is not stressful and at and pretty relaxing for the most part, but its hard to concentrate at times. I'm always reading and searching and googling HIV and HIV related things at work when no on is looking. I'm not really watched and no on really looks anyway so I basically doing it all that time. That's something I'm going to have to try to do less often.... Wayy less often.

I'm going to learn to adjust with this virus and not tell ANYBODY until there is a big change. (like I'm off meds forever, or there is a cure, or something in that nature etc. ) Until then, this is something only I will know and keep to myself (and of course my HIV specialist, and counselor etc.). But no fam or friends will ever know.

Offline Malinka

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
 Hey mbpoz :) so hotmail is so screwy right now... I signed out of my email, and can't sign back in because they're saying the password is wrong.. I sent them a notice to recover the account. So yeah just wanted to let you know if you try to email me, it might not work. I'll let you know once I've figured out what is wrong with it. Hope all is well with you :D

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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  • Posts: 1,502
I'm going to learn to adjust with this virus and not tell ANYBODY until there is a big change. (like I'm off meds forever, or there is a cure, or something in that nature etc. ) Until then, this is something only I will know and keep to myself (and of course my HIV specialist, and counselor etc.). But no fam or friends will ever know.

I am sure you have your reasons for wanting to deal with this alone but I would suggest you not.  Dont underestimate family or friends.  Their support may be something you will need.  (just my 2 cents worth w/o knowing the details behind your decision).  I do send you my best though!

Offline scottfin

  • member
  • Posts: 1
I am going to tell you it will get better. I have lived with this illness for 21 years, and when I was first diagnosed, I tried to kill myself. We didn't have any drugs, and my friends were dying around me left and right, but we did end up getting drugs, and I have lived 21 years longer than I thought I would. I have had a great life. I am not straight, but I met a poz guy whom I was meant to be with. They are developing exciting new drugs that we couldn't even have imagined having when I tested positive. I know they are going to find a way to cure this, and you are only 23. Imagine if in 5 years they find the cure? You don't want to waste any time worrying about being positive because so many things can happen that you can't imagine now. As far as marriage and children. You can adopt, or have a donor, or maybe they can even use your sperm to have children. Suppose you meet the woman of your dreams who is positive? You never know what can happen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste a moment of it. If you are depressed you need to get treatment for it. I did, and my life is great. Keep doing all the right things. There is no such thing as a perfect life, so don't look for it. Enjoy who you are and the life you were given. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don't worry so much about being positive. Attitudes have changed, but I disclose only to trusted friends. It is nobody's business but your own. I wish I knew you in person because I could show you how wonderful and precious life is by showing you mine. It has been hard at times, but the good times have been so worth it. I would not have missed it for anything. I was so wrong to spend my time trying to end my life when I could have been living life on life's terms. When I was 23, I thought it was so hard, but I am 46 now, and it flew by. If I regret anything, it is letting being positive hold me back from living my life. You don't have to, unless you let being positive define who you are...

Offline steps

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
In the earlier time being HIV mean dealing with a prejudice ,it boughtout the worst in people who to be honest would have been and were the worst of people the HIV only gave an excuse to "out" themselves in their intolerance's.  that was the early atomsphere of those times.
The times change, I am been positive for well over 26 years, I have had people very close to me pass away not all from Aids,
It is hard for me to dream of any future, i live day by day. When i was alone with no one at all to speak to,no one to give a hug to receive a hug.
I decided to myself if this is to be the end of my life then I will live my life as being the real me, i will listen to others and judge non nor i I be placed in judgment.
Slowly over time i met friends who wanted nothing more then to be a Friend, i met a great doctor who was also HIV positive and we chatting not a doctor patient by friend to Friend.
Do let others into your life, and do be real about who you are and how you are .
There is a very old saying that is very true and the truth of it becomes factual when you not only believe it but do it.
"If you search for love you will never find it, when your real it finds you"
You are not alone you are a part of a family of many. Hiding only prevents the saying from coming true.
I am older now been though a lot and am very grateful for learning how true the saying is.

Offline nibbler

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
I'd recommend finding someone to *talk* to - being able to pick up the phone and reach someone can be very comforting.  Could be a friend, or it could be a stranger in another city.

Good luck.  :-)

Offline mbpoz6

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
I am going to tell you it will get better. I have lived with this illness for 21 years, and when I was first diagnosed, I tried to kill myself. We didn't have any drugs, and my friends were dying around me left and right, but we did end up getting drugs, and I have lived 21 years longer than I thought I would. I have had a great life. I am not straight, but I met a poz guy whom I was meant to be with. They are developing exciting new drugs that we couldn't even have imagined having when I tested positive. I know they are going to find a way to cure this, and you are only 23. Imagine if in 5 years they find the cure? You don't want to waste any time worrying about being positive because so many things can happen that you can't imagine now. As far as marriage and children. You can adopt, or have a donor, or maybe they can even use your sperm to have children. Suppose you meet the woman of your dreams who is positive? You never know what can happen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste a moment of it. If you are depressed you need to get treatment for it. I did, and my life is great. Keep doing all the right things. There is no such thing as a perfect life, so don't look for it. Enjoy who you are and the life you were given. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don't worry so much about being positive. Attitudes have changed, but I disclose only to trusted friends. It is nobody's business but your own. I wish I knew you in person because I could show you how wonderful and precious life is by showing you mine. It has been hard at times, but the good times have been so worth it. I would not have missed it for anything. I was so wrong to spend my time trying to end my life when I could have been living life on life's terms. When I was 23, I thought it was so hard, but I am 46 now, and it flew by. If I regret anything, it is letting being positive hold me back from living my life. You don't have to, unless you let being positive define who you are...

Hi Scott,

Good to hear you are doing well and that you have survived 20+ years. Sounds like you've been through a lot, but you are living your life and thats very important.

I really hope they do find a cure, or things can get easier in the future. Times have changed in the last 20 years for the better but who know whats going to happen in the future? I know there are different options out there for having kids like adopting, but I wish to have children of my own, of my own blood. Not that there is anything wrong with adopting, but that my personal preference. It is still possible to have children while being poz, but its going to be hard just to meet a girl that will accept me first.

I decided not to disclose to anyone for various personal reasons. And I don't think I ever will. I'm slowly coping but have my good days and bad days... so far I'm kinda having a bad day today.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
All my life I tried to do whats right..... Go to school, be good, get a job, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, buy a house etc..... But I'm having doubts that I will EVER get married/have children or have a future.

After recently being diagnosed this past January, I've dealing with my positive status like a roller coaster: up and down, up and down. All alone. Its like I'm living a double life. And its not healthy but its all I can do right now.  What negative girl is gonna be with a positive guy like me? Yes there are girls out there, neg and poz, but I just don't know at this point. It's highly likely I wont be able to get in a relationship in the coming years because of my status. I know I'm thinking way ahead too early, but I think it's realistic. I'm 23 yrs old straight male, graduated college, started a good job that I work 9-5, Mon-Fri, have a good family... the next steps in my life is to save and by a house/condo or move out, and of course to get married/have children.  I want to have at least one child by age 30, but I doubt that's gonna happen at all. I rally don't wanna have kids too late in life like 40+, because I want them to grow with me so I can see them age and grow up, while Im not too old myself. I want to have a part of me living when I'm gone.

I still have yet to tell a soul about my status and don't think I ever will. I still live at home with my mom, dad and 3 siblings. I'm the 2nd of four children. All I do is go to work, go home and stay in my room and sit on the computer/watch tv, I go to the gym 3 times a week but that's about it. Work. Gym. Bedroom. I don't go out with friends as much as I used to, just stay in my room at home. What's wrong with me? Any girl that seems interested in me, I try to slowly brush them off or make up an excuse, mainly because of my status which I do not disclose due to fear of rejection, perception and the spread of my status to others.

I don't feel comfortable disclosing to anybody, whether family or friend. I'm at home alone sitting here on a Saturday night doing absolutely nothing. I guess that's what the next 20 years will be as long as I'm positive. Will things get better in the future? I hope so, but its likely not gonna happen. Until some "miracle therapeutic vaccine" comes out within the next 5 years, or some type of treatment where HIV can be eradicated or controlled without taking a damn pill everyday, I don't see myself getting in another relationship. As long as I'm positive I don't see myself progressing a person in life. My life has come to a complete halt ever since my diagnosis.

And I don't think I will disclose my status to anyone....EVER. The only person that knows is my HIV specialist, my counselor my family doc and that's about it. I'm taking this to my death bed, or until there is some type of func cure/cure out there then I will disclose my status at that point, but since a cure/functional cure will probably never happen, my new life as a HIV positive individual which will be cut short, will be a solitary one. I do read some of the news and research about cures "in the foreseeable future" all over the net an on here, but I just don't know what to believe.

I am not a suicidal person, but I ask myself..... Whats the point of me being on earth? Maybe I should go now, because god is for sure calling me. There is no point whatsoever of me being on earth right now, but I can let this out to anyone I care about. I keep everything to myself. Just sitting here thinking about my mother and how much she has done and sacrificed for me, my eyes begin to water. Disclosing to her will let her know how much of a failure I am.

Now I know you guys will say things like: I'm still young things will get better, you guys have been living with this for years and are doing great, I'm going through a phase and its common, or its the Atripla I'm taking, and I need a counselor to speak to, I should disclose to my family or someone close etc....but I don't know if that's gonna help at all. I have spoken to a counselor already and I did relieve some stress already, but this is so hard doing this all alone all by myself especially a relatively young age compared to others. I don't feel sick or anything like that thank god, but my mind is all over the place. I pray that things will get better in the next couple of years, not just for me, but for all positive individuals out there. Whether its advanced treatment options, or something good comes out of science by the grace of god.

I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that I'm poz, and its slowly getting better day by day, but at times that roller coaster of emotions comes back. Up and down. Right now I am obviously down. Very down. I know I should worry and take care of myself/my health in the present first and foremost before anything, and stop thinking about the future too much because tomorrow is not promised for anyone. But I just feel all the dreams that I thought were possible for me just are not possible anymore. I've accomplished many goals in life already and would like to continue that checklist of goals, but my mind tells me otherwise. HIV is such a huge obstacle in my life. I just don't know how to deal with it at right now. I just hope things do not get worse.

Now I know this post looks like, "cure", "future", "have kids", repeated over and over, etc. but I can't stop thinking about myself in the net 5-10 years being positive. Where will I be? How will HIV change me? Will I be able to continue living normally? So far so good, but can I only hope for the best. I do appreciate what the current meds do already and how things have changed in the last 10-15 yrs, and I also know no one out there can predict the future for anyone. I just hope that I can put this HIV positive status in the back of my mind and try to just continue to live.

Try not to focus too much on anything else right now other than accepting and getting use to being HIV+.  It will be easier this way.  Looking at the big picture so soon after suffering something as traumatizing as being diagnosed is not necessarily a great idea, because you're depressed right now-- and you're ideas of the future will be grim as a result of this.

Right now simply focus on getting your life back into a normal routine.  Also, consider talking to a therapist if you can't seem to get out of the funk on your own.  

As far as disclosure is concerned, everyone's situation is different and should be handled accordingly.  One thing to keep in mind though, is that you need to be comfortable with your status first and this may take some time.  Because of this, for me, I would only tell those closest who could aid me by way of emotional support.

I think once you take care of the above you'll start seeing that all your future goals are still very much reachable.  And yes, that even involves relationships, marriage, and making babies.  When I was diagnosed I was under the false impression that I wouldn't see my then 3 year old graduate high school.  And, I was alone and never thought I would meet a woman to spend my life with.  I've been married now for going on 5 years and have another 3 year old as well.   And just to show you how normal my life is we're currently seperated and working on stuff to get back together.  

I hope this helps some, and don't forget, be good to yourself right now.

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline WhySoUnfair

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
I'm 3 yrs older than you and I've been + for 11 months. God, how am I going to describe these roller coaster feelings? I don't know! We've all been there, nobody wants to be +, so there is no need to say anything more...

I tried to kill myself but I was too scared. I was depressed and was crying a lot and I also found this forum a good place for emotional support and updated information.

Do you have any symptoms? I used to have swollen lymph nodes and now it's better. I find small red dots on my body here and there and I sometimes cough sometime chest pain..., all these make me so nervous.

You should talk to someone who really cares about you. I told my mom and she's very supportive. I also told her that I so wanted to kill myself, she only told me ---  If you have the courage to commit suicide, then you definitely have the courage to chase your dreams.

Maybe she's right. But I still think that we will face a lot of difficulties of being + in this real world. Don't know about the straight world, in the gay society a lot of ppl think + is a lower class disease. It seems impossible for + guys to date anyone. I'm trying to accept the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life and now I'm just trying to focus on myself. I hope the above mentioned old saying is true -- "If you search for love you will never find it, when you are real it finds you". I really NEED a relationship and I hope I'm coming to finally accept myself and become the real me.

Offline mbpoz6

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Try not to focus too much on anything else right now other than accepting and getting use to being HIV+.  It will be easier this way.  Looking at the big picture so soon after suffering something as traumatizing as being diagnosed is not necessarily a great idea, because you're depressed right now-- and you're ideas of the future will be grim as a result of this.

Right now simply focus on getting your life back into a normal routine.  Also, consider talking to a therapist if you can't seem to get out of the funk on your own.  

As far as disclosure is concerned, everyone's situation is different and should be handled accordingly.  One thing to keep in mind though, is that you need to be comfortable with your status first and this may take some time.  Because of this, for me, I would only tell those closest who could aid me by way of emotional support.

I think once you take care of the above you'll start seeing that all your future goals are still very much reachable.  And yes, that even involves relationships, marriage, and making babies.  When I was diagnosed I was under the false impression that I wouldn't see my then 3 year old graduate high school.  And, I was alone and never thought I would meet a woman to spend my life with.  I've been married now for going on 5 years and have another 3 year old as well.   And just to show you how normal my life is we're currently seperated and working on stuff to get back together.  

I hope this helps some, and don't forget, be good to yourself right now.


Wow this is kinda helpful. Thanks for the insight... Its so hard though to not think ahead. Even before I was poz, I was always a "think ahead" type of person. But ever since being poz, now it seems harder to do so. I tried talking to my doc which helps but I think I do need to talk with a therapist. It would really help me out even more. I dont have anyone to talk to in person that is close to me. No family or friends because I dont want to disclose to them.  I ask myself all the time why am I still here on earth? Or maybe Im already dead and just dont know it? 

I am good to myself though, I eat well most of the time, I work out, I never miss my meds, I listen to my doctor, I still go to work Monday to Friday and still live a normal life in the eye of others. But when Im by myself its a whole different story. I sit in my room sometimes just thinking to myself and get depressed and miserable. Today for example on my way home from the gym I see couples walking around in the streets and it kinda makes me jealous and miserable that I'm not like them and may never be normal like that again. I just dont know when thins will get better mentally for me, when I start thinking to myself or when Im alone.  The way I see it now, I think Im probably going to be single for the rest of my life. A disappointing future and I had everything going for myself. Its like I hit a brick wall.

 


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