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Author Topic: I Knew We Would Find Each Other  (Read 3883 times)

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Offline thunter34

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I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« on: March 11, 2011, 07:25:05 AM »
I think that I knew it as far back as '83 when you were first making the headlines.  You arrived at the dawn of my adolescence, as my suspicion of self began to grow as quickly as my limbs into something alarmingly undeniable.  I think I heard your first whisper then.  In algebra class, Mrs. Robinson made a joke about none of us having to worry about you.  She said you only appeared for people who were that way,  and she cocked her hip and held her wrist just so while the class erupted in laughter.

Except for me.  I just propped my book in front of my face and tilted my head down, pretending to be distracted and unaware of the comedy being presented at the head of the class - by the head of the class.  I hoped that this affect would pass, and that no one would see my face glowing hot red.  I wanted to laugh and be like them.  I wanted to cry that I could not laugh.  I wanted to scream at her in hurt and anger, but I dared not.  Yes, I heard your first whisper then.

I knew you would find me all through my adolescence, when my fundamentalist upbringing came crashing head on against my fundamental nature.  I knew when I rode on vacation with my family down through the South and we passed ominous billboards that almost seemed to delight in your arrival, assurance they held that judgement had come.  I knew they were heralding your arrival for me.

Yes, I felt you drawing nearer all through my teenage years.  Each time that I fell from orgasmic ecstasy to horror and shame, and as I clasped my hands in prayer with the evidence of my sin still wet on my fingers, and as I'd cry out asking what was wrong with me, and to be changed and be made clean , and as I swore I'd never do it again, I could feel your shadow on me.  I cried to God that I was afraid of you, but the silence returned seem to only affirm what I'd read on the roadside.

You were there, ever closer, as I finally made my way into the company of others.  And after more than 20 years of isolation, I found love's approximation and surrendered to it completely.  The flesh was godly, and the intimacy seemed sacred.  Any barrier to it seemed almost like blasphemy.  I was so hungry for the touch.  I was so hungry for eyes to smile on me, for lips to cry my name in passion that I dared not do or suggest anything that would impede it, or risk stopping it altogether.  And yes, I just craved the sheer pleasure, but it was so much more than that, and I was lost to it.

I felt your clutch almost upon me as I slumped over the steering wheel while the dawn began to break, after having been in the grips for yet another night and now spiralling down, harsh light of the reality of my actions breaking with the sun.  There is no way...no way it can't have me now.  What am I doing? Why am I doing this?  Why can't I stop?

So when you finally became present to me in rashes and fever dreams, it was no suprise.  I had been anticipating your arrival for years.  I was resigned to it, had felt I deserved it, and now met you with a demeanor somewhat close to indifference.

It is only since our union, now that you have me, that I have come to see  myself in another light and wonder if things could have been different for you and me.  Perhaps, but there's no real point in guessing now about the person I was.

The person I was knew that we'd find each other...and we did.   Now, our lives are truly wed.

Til Death Do Us Part.

« Last Edit: March 11, 2011, 07:30:16 AM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline woodshere

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2011, 08:40:30 AM »
What a unique way of looking at this Timothy, well done!!  I bet you were like many of us and thought that you would never get married.
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline thunter34

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2011, 08:49:18 AM »
What a unique way of looking at this Timothy, well done!!  I bet you were like many of us and thought that you would never get married.

Yeah.  I remember playing sick in elementary school because I didn't want to go do Valentine's Day there.  I asked my mom, "What if I don't get married?"  She picked me up and hugged me and assured me that someday I'd find a wonderful girl and have beautiful kids of my own.  I asked, "But what if I don't?"  She insisted once more - emphatically - that I would...it was a certainty.  I instinctively knew not to press it further and just act sick.

That was third grade, I think.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline denb45

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2011, 09:04:00 AM »
Tim, that brought tears to my eyes, great story, a good read too  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline bmancanfly

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2011, 09:58:44 AM »
Very well said.  Thanks
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline pozniceguy

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2011, 10:34:01 AM »
well  said  Tim   . we need you to compose a reading for the AMG  remembrance..

Nick
remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline BT65

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2011, 04:53:14 AM »
That was very touching, YP Tim.  One of the most heartfelt and sincere posts I've read.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2011, 07:01:04 AM »
Yea, those words go right to the core.  The part that sticks out in my mind is the teacher who did the wrist thing while the class laughed.  I can see that happening and it disgusts me. 

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2011, 07:54:54 AM »
Very sad and touching.

Offline Theyer

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2011, 07:05:48 PM »
Well that bought me up short, and as so often happens when faced with rawness the urge to giggle falls upon me .So reading woods reply made me wet myself. Is there a wedding list? you deserve one really that is one powerfull piece off writting and woods you are very naughty.
love
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline OneTampa

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2011, 08:10:18 PM »
Powerful.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline David_CA

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2011, 01:32:33 PM »
Nice post, Tim.

I remember hearing about it, too.  I was sorta bi back then - I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  I remember my mom telling me to be safe and use a condom if I had sex way back when I was 16 or so.  To me, avoiding pregnancy was the only real reason.  I didn't really think of myself as gay (not that I didn't do gay things).  I didn't grow up in a really large city, compared to a lot of larger areas.  It wasn't a particularly gay city, either.  I remember hearing a bit about AIDS, but not all that much. 

I graduated high school in '84 before a lot was known about it.  In college, there just aren't general health classes like in high school, so I didn't hear much of it then, either.  I did see a safe sex poster from time to time, but to me, those were still for avoiding pregnancy or VD; somehow, I never associated them with HIV/AIDS.  Besides, only gay people got infected.  I had a girlfriend at the time that later became my wife.  Somehow, I still didn't associate myself with being gay (not that I didn't do gay things).  Oh, I wasn't the barebacking whore that I wanted to be, and I was usually safer, and I never willingly allowed a guy to cum in me.  That worked for a few years, but somewhere along the way, something didn't work out for me like I'd always figured it would.   

By the early 2000's, I'd only known one person to have died from AIDS complications, though I'm sure there were others whose families and friends hid the real causes.  There was a lull in HIV prevention information and it even being talked about starting somewhere in the late '90's... at least for me.  I don't blame my infection on anything but my actions, but I sometimes wonder if not enough of an issue is made of HIV/AIDS.  I can easily imagine younger people today really not fearing HIV/AIDS.  For most really dangerous things in life, we quit hearing about them only when they aren't an issue any longer.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline thunter34

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2011, 01:59:00 PM »
Besides, only gay people got infected. 

This is one of the worst attitudes about AIDS out there - because it not only lulls heterosexuals into a false sense of security, it somewhat feeds on the attitude that gay people deserve it.  Only  gay people get it.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline denb45

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2011, 02:06:35 PM »
This is one of the worst attitudes about AIDS out there - because it not only lulls heterosexuals into a false sense of security, it somewhat feeds on the attitude that gay people deserve it.  Only  gay people get it.



Tim , I know a lotta str8 & bi men, and not all of them think this way, and everyone isn't that shallow  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline next2u

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2011, 02:34:51 PM »
beautiful piece tim.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3

Offline David_CA

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2011, 02:58:07 PM »
This is one of the worst attitudes about AIDS out there - because it not only lulls heterosexuals into a false sense of security, it somewhat feeds on the attitude that gay people deserve it.  Only  gay people get it.

Obviously, I don't believe only gay people (men) get AIDS, but when it started out as GRID, even some professionals perpetrated that myth.  In mainstream US, and probably other developed countries, I'd bet that the majority of people still consider it a gay disease, which has led to more infections.

[edited: grammar correction]
« Last Edit: April 20, 2011, 12:03:38 PM by David_NC »
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline wolfter

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2011, 03:01:23 PM »
Thanks.  I felt like I was reading my own history.  Growing up Southern Baptist added to my torment.  Reverend Lynn preached endlessly about the punishment befalling those queers and their wicked lifestyle.  I bought into this same bs after my diagnosis.  It took years to forgive myself.  I acquired hiv while attending a Christian university....I now find a bit humor in that since I'm a converted agnostic.
Judging someone does not define them, it defines you. 

True peace is not merely the absence of war, it is the presence of justice.

Offline thunter34

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2011, 03:03:47 PM »
Obviously, I don't believe only gay people (men) get AIDS, but when it started out as GRID, even some professionals perpetrated that myth.  In mainstream US, and probably other developed countries, I'd bet that the majority of people still consider it a gay disease which has led to more infections.

Yes, and that's what I meant in my response above.  And for example, it's the shaming of homosexuality that often feeds the "down low" sexual behavior by many MSM (of any race, btw) and it's the false sense of security that often leads the women to trust their partners more than perhaps they should.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline thunter34

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2011, 03:10:00 PM »
Thanks.  I felt like I was reading my own history.  Growing up Southern Baptist added to my torment.  Reverend Lynn preached endlessly about the punishment befalling those queers and their wicked lifestyle.  I bought into this same bs after my diagnosis.  It took years to forgive myself.  I acquired hiv while attending a Christian university....I now find a bit humor in that since I'm a converted agnostic.

Yes, I understand you.  And I've read on here before about how "no one can shame you without you allowing it to happen".  That sounds all very well, but it isn't entirely true.  Most of this comes by way of indoctrination that very small children receive from the very people they are supposed to be able to trust.  They simply don't have the appropriate developmental skills to fend it off much of the time.  I mean...most people commonly accept that if you tell a child he or she is ugly or stupid, that child will eventually believe it and behave accordingly.  Hell...I think there have even been studies that plants  respond similarly.

It galls me to no end, then, how often things like AIDS and other STDs - as well as addictions and promiiscuity - are thrown in the faces of the queer community.  When, if the truth is really told, the messages they send are likely just as responsible, if not more so, than the behavior itself for subsequent infections and other maladies.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline drewm

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2011, 03:12:48 PM »
Powerful Tim.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline denb45

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2011, 06:58:32 PM »


It galls me to no end, then, how often things like AIDS and other STDs - as well as addictions and promiiscuity - are thrown in the faces of the queer community.  When, if the truth is really told, the messages they send are likely just as responsible, if not more so, than the behavior itself for subsequent infections and other maladies.

Tim, they got to blame it on someone.......right?  I don't agree w/ any of it, and I wish it would stop, but, you know things only get better and then they get even worse, that's why a lot of people are so fucked up...
gay srt8, bi tranny, drag queens, leather-men, Bears, hey dude, it's all good to me, and always has been  ;)

I have learned to just let all of the shit go, it's not worth it to carry such a burden thought out your entire life, to me it's a lot more healthier that way  ;)
« Last Edit: April 19, 2011, 07:06:05 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline edfu

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #21 on: April 20, 2011, 03:33:25 AM »
Bravo, Tim!  A stunning essay, just stunning.  Thanks.   
"No one will ever be free so long as there are pestilences."--Albert Camus, "The Plague"

"Mankind can never be free until the last brick in the last church falls on the head of the last priest."--Voltaire

Offline brenner

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #22 on: April 20, 2011, 06:04:27 AM »
amazing....hit home.  wish i could have written that :)
Feb 23. 2011  poz diagnosed
Feb 28.  cd4 257, vl 262400, %21
Mar 14.  start Atripla
May 18.  cd4 639, vl 690, %33
Aug 19.  cd4 583, vl 60, %38
Nov 18.  cd4 450, vl UD, %38
2012
Feb.19   cd4 649, vl UD, %35
Jun 08.  cd4 524, vl UD, %34
Sep 16.  cd4 567, vl UD, %35
Dec 02.  cd4 592, vl UD, %35
2013
Mar 10.  cd4 688, vl UD, %35

Offline Ann

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #23 on: April 20, 2011, 11:32:55 AM »
Besides, only gay people got infected. 

This is one of the worst attitudes about AIDS out there - because it not only lulls heterosexuals into a false sense of security, it somewhat feeds on the attitude that gay people deserve it.  Only  gay people get it.

Obviously, I don't believe only gay people (men) get AIDS, but when it started out as GRID, even some professionals perpetrated that myth.  In mainstream US, and probably other developed countries, I'd bet that the majority of people still consider it a gay disease which has led to more infections.

Professionals are still perpetrating that myth.

I had an extremely horrible seroconversion illness. I couldn't get out of my bed for around three days - between the sweat and pissing myself I had to throw my mattress out afterwards. I lived alone and had nobody to help me through it. None of my friends noticed I was missing as I was a commercial fisherman at the time and the boat I worked on was out at sea - when I couldn't answer the door to my skipper one morning he got someone else to go out, but of course nobody knew. I'd never been that ill in my life and hope I never am again.

I went to the doctor a few days later - I was still sick, but not as sick - and he told me "it's probably some virus that will run it's course and go away." I knew it was something serious though and asked if it could be rheumatic fever because every joint in my body was in extreme pain during the high fever when I couldn't get out of bed. He said I was too old.

Anyway, when I was diagnosed four years later I reminded my GP of that illness - I knew then that it was my seroconversion. He actually had the ignorance to tell me that if I had been a gay man and presented with the same symptoms, the first thing he would have done was to test me for hiv.

That was ten years ago, but I've had friends tell me in recent years that their requests for hiv testing were refused on the grounds that they were not gay men or injecting drug users. They had to insist on being tested.

When, if the truth is really told, the messages they send are likely just as responsible, if not more so, than the behavior itself for subsequent infections and other maladies.

Absolutely.
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline Javicho

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2011, 11:40:16 AM »
Nice job Tim, love it!!!

Offline AlanBama

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2011, 01:52:09 PM »
Very well written, my dear......
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline buginme2

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Re: I Knew We Would Find Each Other
« Reply #26 on: April 20, 2011, 02:00:19 PM »
Your words are universal.  Its as though they were written about me.  I'm sure others feel the same way.   
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

 


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