Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 23, 2014, 04:00:01 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 646935
  • Total Topics: 49286
  • Online Today: 167
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 2
Guests: 104
Total: 106

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.  (Read 2198 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline scottish

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« on: March 10, 2011, 06:54:55 AM »
i am truely struggling here...my hubby has over the past 3-4 years turned into someone else..we are both poz and allways stuck together thru thick and thin...but i feel i cant cope anymore.........he has mobility problems and walks badly ..i understand he was allways active...out running with the dogs...working hard ...but it has been 10 years since he worked and i try really hard to keep him occupied ..i work hard and have my own health to worry about but he is allways grumpy and when hes not hes angry or having a go!!! it seems he is in competition with me allways...he cant wait to slap me down ..tell me im doing it wrong....fault me at every turn...and its wearing me down. i have over the years allways made excuses for him...maybe hes feeling bad, sore or depressed....i have tried so manuy times to talk to him but it inevitably turns into a slagging match...he pulls faces, ignores me when i try to talk.....its incredibly difficult to live like this......i have tried to talk about depression...telling him its normal..it happens to everyone ..me too....but nothing but anger is coming back at me.
he is in hospital this week for mri and all the usual checks on his spine and nervous system.....and the words multiple sclerosis have been murmured by doctors and neuroligist.......so you can imagine what hes like ....gutted hurt and depressed....i arrive and he attacks me verbally for stupid little things...like the t shirt i brought was not the right one.......help what to do!!!!!
we had discussed trying for a baby we have been married 18yrs.....i accepted so much for him ...but it seems the give and take the luv and affection is gone............i love him so much but he hurts me emotionally almost daily....and the worst thing is he wont talk to me or anyone else.

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2011, 10:35:21 AM »
Hi scottish,


sorry that you are going through turmoil. I can't offer any advice as I haven't been in a relationship in over 15 years, but I have had two long term relationships of ten years and fifteen years....

I just know that we would have our ups and downs....and I know that pain does change a persons way of looking at the world....

..are you doing any better today?
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2011, 10:47:13 AM »
Dear Scottish,
I sorry life is well downright mean for you. and it sounds like the pair off you have got trapped in repeating behaviors, whereby one vents and the other just takes it, When you say help what to do my instant response is stuff the Tshirt down his gob and leave the ward for a good meal.
However easy for an outsider to say but don't live your life as a punch bag its no good for either off you, and would be awful to grow up in.
I hope you find the strength to go for what you want and recognise that your loving patient does not seem to have any effect on him,, take care
love Theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2011, 11:38:50 AM »
I am speaking from experience:
YOU need to go to a support group or get to a counselor.
Your problem is taking care of you.
You should not allow your husband to suck the life out of you.
Get angry with him if you are angry and tell him how what he is doing makes you feel.
Oh, sure, this is not easy.

I had to be a caregiver to a partner who, like your husband, became a different person after he became ill and developed opportunistic infections.  It was after he blew up at me and threw a piece of cake on the carpet then ground it in with his foot that I kind of realized that I had to step back and take care of myself.
I assembled all our friends and each one took a day or night or event or what ever to get Paul out of the house and give me some free time.
It was also during this time when I met my future partner.  At first I felt guilty but it was the best thing that has happened to me because Kurt helped me thru the death of my former partner. He was there to hold my hand, as Paul could not any more.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,838
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2011, 03:07:18 PM »
i am truely struggling here...my hubby has over the past 3-4 years turned into someone else..we are both poz and allways stuck together thru thick and thin...but i feel i cant cope anymore.........he has mobility problems and walks badly ..i understand he was allways active...out running with the dogs...working hard ...but it has been 10 years since he worked and i try really hard to keep him occupied ..i work hard and have my own health to worry about but he is allways grumpy and when hes not hes angry or having a go!!! it seems he is in competition with me allways...he cant wait to slap me down ..tell me im doing it wrong....fault me at every turn...and its wearing me down. i have over the years allways made excuses for him...maybe hes feeling bad, sore or depressed....i have tried so manuy times to talk to him but it inevitably turns into a slagging match...he pulls faces, ignores me when i try to talk.....its incredibly difficult to live like this......i have tried to talk about depression...telling him its normal..it happens to everyone ..me too....but nothing but anger is coming back at me.
he is in hospital this week for mri and all the usual checks on his spine and nervous system.....and the words multiple sclerosis have been murmured by doctors and neuroligist.......so you can imagine what hes like ....gutted hurt and depressed....i arrive and he attacks me verbally for stupid little things...like the t shirt i brought was not the right one.......help what to do!!!!!
we had discussed trying for a baby we have been married 18yrs.....i accepted so much for him ...but it seems the give and take the luv and affection is gone............i love him so much but he hurts me emotionally almost daily....and the worst thing is he wont talk to me or anyone else.

Like it or not, you are a battered woman and you need to find some support, now! I was in an abusive relationship and what your husband is doing, is abusing you verbally.  I urge you to call a woman's crisis center and talk with someone, because you can break the cycle of violence, but not until you understand what is happening. Bear is right, what matters right now is taking care of you and whatever you need to do, to feel both safe and sane, is what you need to do.

I know you may not want to hear this, or maybe you do, as it was my daughter who alerted me to the changes in my partner at the time. As I read your post, the majority centers on how he verbally assaults you and is directing whatever anger he feels, for whatever reason, at you and that is abuse. The fact that he will not talk about it, remains his problem and I urge you to stop making excuses for him. What he is doing is wrong and hurtful to you and you do not need to accept or tolerate his behavior.

Please talk with someone. Such abuse can often escalate rapidly and you need to be prepared to protect yourself. If I can help in any way, please PM me.

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2011, 06:24:43 PM »
Scotish
Oh my, I'm hearing you loud, and clear.  Kudos on makeing it as far as you have.  It takes true love to stand behind a lover/partner, who is emotionally draining your resources.  At this point, I think it would do you both good, if YOU, took a holiday.  You need a break, to gather your thoughts.  This relationship is in deep water.  Your partner may not realize just how awfull he is being.  He needs time out to reorganize his thoughts, as do you.  Time for a time out. 

Take some time for yourself, quiet space to relax, unwind.  You deserve it.  Scottish, in a normal relationship, perhaps a few sentences are said in haste, before things are back on track.  Days on end is just not right.

Take the time out to find out if you truly are "hoplessly in love".

Bertram
xo
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2011, 07:19:04 PM »
And I'm in agreement with everyone here, sweetie :-* you are NOT a punching bag....
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2011, 06:42:23 AM »
If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck....

I have to agree with the others in here Scottish. You need to seek help.

Sounds like you deserve better Hun.
Positive since 1985

Offline AndyArrow

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,196
Re: well, the shit has truely hit the fan.
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2011, 10:50:36 AM »
scottish -

I'm in agreement with everyone else here it seems.  If he won't talk to someone you should.  Maybe in time you could get him to come to a session with you too.

Also without necessarily going into detail I would mention the depression to his doctors.  He might be more receptive to hearing it from them.

Good luck!
AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.