Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
December 25, 2014, 01:41:33 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 24283
  • Latest: mineal
Stats
  • Total Posts: 650353
  • Total Topics: 49650
  • Online Today: 131
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Never thought this would happen  (Read 9683 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline ppp333

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Never thought this would happen
« on: March 09, 2011, 03:03:19 PM »
Hello everyone,

To be honest I cannot believe I am writing this as I recently tested positive Nov. 3rd 2010.  I am still kind of at a loss for words.  I know you guys will not believe this but I never had intercourse without a condom.  So maybe you can help me out, listen, or allow me to free associate. Somehow this place already feels like home, so thank you guys for just contributing because it has provided me with the thoughts of Im not alone-UNFORTUNATELY...

I recently came out in May and began living life finally;  Dating and eventually taking it to the next level. I was so happy...

I was dating an individual and after our second date on 6/20 we messed around.  I apologize if this gets too detailed but I am still wrapping around as to how I got this virus.  As we were kissing in bed naked his penis grazed my anus, but literally for a second.  That was after mutual oral was exchanged, but we never had intercourse and I wouldnt even dare to because we both lacked a condom.  I realized after our date and a few conversations after that he wasn't the right dude for me, although cute and nice...

One month later I was hanging out with two other individuals, the weekend of 7/25.  With one we exchanged mutual oral, some grinding and that was it no penetration.  With the other I received oral and was the top and used a condom. 

4 weeks exactly, the week of 8/25 I began to get symptoms of the flu and when I got a rash I decided to go to the doctor. They checked me out and screened for HIV.  The ELISA came back reactive but the WB came back negative.  The doctor said due to my non risk activity as I told him EVERYTHING, not too worry, and that it was most likely a regular reaction to an infection.  However my OCD kicked in and I went back three months later to double check and unfortunately it came back positive.  The doctor was shocked. My VL was 59K and my CD4 was 228 CD4% was 25%.  I immediately went on Atripla and can now say that 2 weeks after it was 752 and then 3 months after it was Undetectable with a CD4 of 439 and CD4% of 41% 

This forum has been a tremendous help.  Yet, I still cannot narrow it down to how or whom I got it from.  What is more likely the cause? The graze 9 weeks before ARS or the mutual oral?  or a condom malfunction? 4 weeks after.  I dont talk to either three as nothing serious came of it but I informed all three through an anonymous CDC hotline to get tested.  I just want to maintain my privacy.  I know a month doesnt make a difference in starting treatment but the shame and guilt I have is overwhelming.  All I did was live, do whatever everyone else was doing and took the proper precautions.  If I knew about PEP, maybe i would have freaked out when his penis hit my hole for one secnd, with no cum or precum by theway, and wasn't inserted either.  But being new to the gay scene I had no clue something like that existed.  But would ARS symptoms arise at 9 weeks?  doesnt it seem more logical that I got it from the other two.  The doc says although rare it could have been from oral and I was just unlucky. 

I'm hurting so bad because I was always taught never to engage in sex wihtout a condom, and I never did.  At least not anally.  I remember one day talkling to my friend about hooking up and dating and he said well when I date someone we use condoms then after 3 months if it gets serious we will get tested and not use condoms if we were in a monogamous relationship.  I replied I dont care if I'm monogamous or not for 5 years, I will always use a condom because I have heard stories about cheating boyfreinds etc.  I am not judging anyone for having unprotected sex just that was never my MO.  Maybe becaus eI never had it I didn't know what skin on skin feels like and what I was deprived of lol...But I guess I am just tryong to play detective.  Does a month really make a difference if I started therapy 3 or 4 months after infection? 

I know the point is that it happened, and I need to accept it.  I am now positive and most importantly I am on medicine and its working.  WORKING WELL! But I hate to think I was promiscuous or did something wrong and yet I still blame myself and cant forgive myself.  I wish I could turn back the hands of time but then I would still be afraid of experiencing life and sexuality.  I mean is a blowjob so wrong.?

I have so many str8 friends who fuck chicks and never use protection and here I am the third dude I meet and finally decide to have sex my world gets turned upside down..

Does this pain ever go away?  I read the blog, Joe Gallant, poz, the forums, thebody, everyday hopeing that all of sudden its gonna change and there is a cure.  The reality is my life will never be the same and I dont know how to cope anymore.  SOme days are betterthan others and some days I feel like I just dont want to live. After finding the news I switched to a specialist and he is the best HIV specialist in FLorida and says Im gonna live a long time. I take my medicine religiously in the morning, a mulitvitamin, fish oil. ubiquinol coQ10, a citirical for my bones and extra vitamin D.  I know I have arrested this bug but the thought of now being postivie has took a toll.  I see a therapist once a week, who has helped.  I tried OCD/Antidepressant medicine for 3 weeks but it cause insomnia or added to it which is why I switched my Atripla in the mornign....Anyway just wanted to share my story and hope that eveyrone on here is doing well.  I will be posting now mor eoften that I have finally got a login...Just hoping that soon it becomes an afterthought and I can have a 100% happy day!  You guys are, well we are SURVIVORS, and the hope for a cure cannot die...I know I am lucky its 2011 and medicine only gets better but still this hard to swallow...

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,174
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2011, 03:28:08 PM »
Welcome to the forum.

Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and almost all your actions since diagnosis are very mature and sensible.

It will get more mundane, being HIV+, but it takes time.

Being new to the gay scene, you certainly had terrible experience, seroconverting.  I notice several times in your post that you carry a lot of shame and guilt about both HIV and gay sex.  I hope you will discuss these feelings (if in fact i have identified them correctly) very openly with your therapist and I just got this feeling that it will be important for you to separate HIV and gay sex as "issues".

Its damn unfortunate that you experienced the two quite close together.  

You can't walk back the HIV infection.  Its possible you'll never get a good explanation for your infection.  You'll eventually come to FEEL that hiv is a nasty virus with absolutely no morality attached and it, and it has nothing to say about who you are.  You didn't do ANYTHING wrong to get infected.  HIV changes nothing really important, about how your friends and family value you - and anyone who will choose to love you - a future boyfriend.

As you're new in your sexuality, perhaps you need to hear that you WILL have a wonderful fulfilling sex life, and you deserve it, AND it will have nothing to do with HIV.  HIV will be a side issue.  You present NO risk of infection to other people, and when you get your mojo back you'll have a long love life, and you can create whatever sexual fulfillment is your desire.

« Last Edit: March 09, 2011, 03:30:23 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline ppp333

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2011, 09:34:26 PM »
Mecch,

Thanks for the welcome...A terrible experience indeed.  And the worst part about it was I was doing so well finally being open.  I was smilling and my friends and family accepted it all and most importantly i accepted myself.  Now everyone who knows accepts me except myself still.  I just feel different.  I dont feel the same.  And I know nothing has changed but taking aone pill a day.  But it truly messes with your psyche. 

I am just scared of evrything now and have lost trust.  I have become a hypochondriac and I think reading too much is bad.  All of a sudden I think I'm getting hardned arteries, or my kidneys hurts, or i dunno just i cant have one moment where i can just zone out and enjoy even the simpple things such as tv without thinking about being positive. I hope it will subside. It has gotten better but it still there and I wish it would just go away.

But I now feel like I need ot be more proactive.  Need to know if I should be taking naymore vitamins, drinking more psirulina wheat grass and antioxidants fo rmy health.  Should I get on crestor as a preventative.  I trust my doctor but I want to be ahead of the game.Life is full of challenges and I know people have it worse off, but its all relative.  I'm an open person and this secret know might be supressing my happiness but I also dont think I need to tell this to the world...It just time heals but time hasnt moved fast enough.  I hope I dont sound annoying or obnoxious bc I am lucky.  I have people who love me medicine the ability to have a roof over my head an dknow where my next meal is coming from...just this such a shock still.

 

Offline surf18

  • Member
  • Posts: 525
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2011, 10:05:26 PM »
pp i hear you man. i feel the same way. dx'd in june. i never thought this would happen to me either. i think about it every day all the time. all the time. it hits me everywhere. driving, working out,laying down,at work, at dinner ,out with friends etc. every where and any where.  and yes it gets easier in a way but i dint know when the constant thinking of it goes away and some semblance of our pre life comes back. every day i long for my pre dx days.  i just wish i new how good i had it back then and i sure would have enjoyed my life better if i new what it was like to have this stupid thing.
so no your not alone in your thoughts. your completely normal.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,174
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2011, 10:34:40 PM »
My experience of serocoversion about 3 years ago is that my mind stopped rolling the fact after a few months. Also, until then, ANYTHING constructive or diverting to keep your mind engaged in other things is a good idea.  Work helps a lot.

PPP333 - do you mind I ask, how old are you? 
Am I right that you had an untreated HIV infection for only a few months? 
Please dont get too obsessive about supplements and being proactive - there's not much to be proactive about in your circumstance - you dont need special diets and holistic cures, you are already on HAART and already undetectable. 

Continue learning about HIV and HAART but just dont panic and think you have to radically change something about how you've been living your life, in response to now being HIV+.   If you want to make diet changes, or pursue some other alternative ways to promote health, please remember that you're fine, already. So just go wisely and gently with the lifestyle improvements. 

More important are the same projects you had before you converted.  Job or studies and just living normally, cause you are normal. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline surf18

  • Member
  • Posts: 525
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2011, 11:25:08 PM »
Yea good advice meech
In my beginning I thought I could cure this thing or help my cd's with supplements. I tried many things and all that happened is my numbers dropped. I went to holistic dr, energy healer etc. Guess what ? Still got it.
Also don't get caught up in the research. I was reading that and believed everything I read was the cure coming in days. I couldn't understand while the vets were so nonchalant about the articles. Well now I know. That shit takes time and if you get too excited every time good research comes out your setting yourself up for depression. I now figure if there is the cure someone will tell me.

Offline Matt39

  • Member
  • Posts: 179
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2011, 02:42:51 PM »
Mecch,

Thanks for the welcome...A terrible experience indeed.  And the worst part about it was I was doing so well finally being open.  I was smilling and my friends and family accepted it all and most importantly i accepted myself.  Now everyone who knows accepts me except myself still.  I just feel different.  I dont feel the same.  And I know nothing has changed but taking aone pill a day.  But it truly messes with your psyche.  

I am just scared of evrything now and have lost trust.  I have become a hypochondriac and I think reading too much is bad.  All of a sudden I think I'm getting hardned arteries, or my kidneys hurts, or i dunno just i cant have one moment where i can just zone out and enjoy even the simpple things such as tv without thinking about being positive. I hope it will subside. It has gotten better but it still there and I wish it would just go away.

But I now feel like I need ot be more proactive.  Need to know if I should be taking naymore vitamins, drinking more psirulina wheat grass and antioxidants fo rmy health.  Should I get on crestor as a preventative.  I trust my doctor but I want to be ahead of the game.Life is full of challenges and I know people have it worse off, but its all relative.  I'm an open person and this secret know might be supressing my happiness but I also dont think I need to tell this to the world...It just time heals but time hasnt moved fast enough.  I hope I dont sound annoying or obnoxious bc I am lucky.  I have people who love me medicine the ability to have a roof over my head an dknow where my next meal is coming from...just this such a shock still.

 

As well as the above, in your earlier posts you mention that you 'wish i could turn the clock back', and that your 'OCD hit in again'.
Those two things are your real enemy. They will make you ill - mentally and physically - as sure as day is day and night is night.
From what you say, your HIV infection was not something you could have actually prevented so turning the clock back means nothing useful for you.
Being anxious about your health is not unusual - having chronic anxiety about it is and to be avoided since it is a massive predictor of real ill health.
The truth is that the roller-coaster of emotions you will go through is just at the beginning, I'm sorry but it is better to accept that.
So what to do?
So long as you have a healthy, whole food diet and get regular moderate exercise I doubt very much whether looking for 'supplements' to take is going to be of any use to you, since your issue is an emotional and psychological one, and that is where you need to access some good quality nurturing professional support.
Your HIV clinic should have already done a full psychological assessment and if they haven't they damn well need to, so ask them!
That involves a 60-90 minute session with a Clinical Psychologist who will be able to see clearly what is going on for you now, and in the past.
As a result of that you need to work together to decide on a course of action - Counselling, CBT* or CAT*. One of them will be beneficial to you.

Good luck

*CBT: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx
http://pb.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/full/31/6/238-a?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&author1=Mansell%2C+W&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&resourcetype=HWCIT
*CAT: Cognitive Analytic Therapy
http://www.acat.me.uk/catintroduction.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_analytic_therapy
« Last Edit: March 11, 2011, 02:49:52 PM by Matt39 »

Offline ppp333

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2011, 04:40:25 PM »
Meech,

Ya I'm 27 here and prob was infected 3.5 months before starting therapy.  I know that's not a long time to be walking around with this virus but still apparently long enough to be infected for life or until the C word comes out.  My numbers indicated I needed to start HAaRT but prob would have started anyway if they were good to begin with.  I have no problems taking my medicine but how bad is Atripla for u?  I mean I have no choice as I know where the other path leads but is there anyone who has taken HAArT for so long that has minor effects on their body provided they treat themselves right with proper nutrition and exercise.  I am just so scared of looking "sick" and getting fats deposits and I know the doc says that doesn't happen but it's still hard to accept the new me.  I just want to wake up one morning and not think about my mortality..I have dived into work and that's helped and have actually met some poz people.  All surprising look normally and are so nice sympathetic and lend a shoulder and ear which is great.  But this new me is so hard to love bc I was a perfectionist b4 and always practiced safe sex.  Anyway I also wanted to know from those who have been dealing with this for years how they got back to their lives and how as time goes on medicine only got better.  I read Mrs p's posts and they r a great example...but I will start a new thread about this later...just nice to come on here and vent!

Offline TakingAChance

  • Member
  • Posts: 42
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2011, 08:39:22 AM »
Dear PPP333,
Thanks for posting. I too am new to being poz. Feb 7th was conclusive. I'm sorry to read about your experience. It does seem like an unfortunate event upon coming out? Anyway, I spent the first month trying to figure out who gave it to me. Then I started to think about who did I give it to? Another mind fuck. I got right into action. Aggressive Dr. joined Aids org. applied for ADAP, made sure my insurance was paid up to use, started exercising, eating better, had some other medical stuff taken care of, got all the blood test. I'm still waiting to hear what type I have but my Dr. wants me to think of going on Atripla. Cd:580/VL:5000. I'm going to do another blood work up before going on meds. By being active and getting help enabled me to stop with the guilt and shame I was putting myself through. Right, you can't turn back the clock so stay aggressive and active and vigilant with your HIV now. I do know that already I am feeling less anxious, less everything, emotionally. I feel better and there are days already that it is an after thought to my day. So it will improve in spurts and time. I found making a New Life Plan and changes are helping me cope with the Fear issues. You need a good therapist to help you. Ask your AIDS org. to recommend someone. You are dealing with so many changes and new experiences and also the stigma that comes with being HIV+. I hope you find a support group and therapist and that you have love and support from close people in your life too. It's Not Easy..But It is Possible to live a normal life with HIV+ being a by product ike everything else. I believe it's possible.
Fasten Your Seat Belts...It's going to be a Bumpy Ride!

Offline ppp333

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2011, 11:23:56 AM »
Ty "TakingAChance" I have great family friends and doctors and therapist...its me who is my worst enemy and the whole mind fuck...

Offline klouny

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
  • ~ can you see me now~
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2011, 01:09:21 PM »
PP

sorry to hear about your seroconversion, I just recently found out myself I was positive. though I am not taking it as harshly as you are.
I agree with mecch, do anything to stay productive. I am an art student, so painting and drawing keeps me busy and thinking of other things. I just recently found out, so I have yet to start on meds and I dont know my CD4 count or viral load ( but I go too the doc monday to do that)
and I dont think anyone of us ever thought this would happen to us, no matter how safe or unsafe we might have been. I contracted it from a guy i was seeing for about 7 months. he now vanished.

I agree and I know what you mean about being your own worst enemy, I am my worst critic. but you have to understand that empowering yourself will help  you a great deal getting through this.
~Strange ideas are Superfluous and unoriginal~

Offline strid1

  • Standard
  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2012, 02:27:02 AM »
Hi, sorry to hear that. What type of rash did you get and where?

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2012, 02:35:10 AM »
Hi, sorry to hear that. What type of rash did you get and where?

As someone who is not confirmed to be HIV positive you should not be posting here. Your post has been reported. Please return to AM I INFECTED, as the rules of that forum clearly require.

Please refrain from using the PM function as a workaround for this restriction.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline MarkB

  • Member
  • Posts: 292
Re: Never thought this would happen
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2012, 07:31:06 PM »
ppp333

Firstly, welcome to this forum, and I hope you find it as useful and supportive as I have.

Other members will, I'm sure, offer suggestions about information and support. I was caught by a recurring theme in what you have posted:

Quote
I never had intercourse without a condom ...

But this new me is so hard to love bc I was a perfectionist b4 and always practiced safe sex ...

I wish I could turn back the hands of time but then I would still be afraid of experiencing life and sexuality ...

I suspect that many if not most of us have asked the same question: "how did I become positive?". It's more than understandable that you feel that way, but may I tentatively suggest that however natural that reaction may be, in the long run it won't help you to move forward because you are where you are. When I was diagnosed (February 2007) I thought that the whole world had caved in and that I would die a horrible, messy death in short order. It didn't happen; and every member of this forum can tell a similar story. And there is every reason to expect that you too will not just survive but thrive.

You asked "Does this pain ever go away?" Given the current medical state of knowledge your infection cannot be eliminated. But my hope is that in time you will come to see yourself as you are: still you. You may have been infected, but you have not become a virus; and the fact that you are HIV+ says nothing about you, your worth, your inestimable self.

Quote
Some days are better than others and some days I feel like I just don't want to live.

I have been there too; and while I cannot know what you, personally, are going through, I do know how it felt for me. Be gentle with yourself, and be patient: you do not, and cannot, know how things will turn out. Here you will read extraordinary stories by some pretty amazing people. I am confident that you will be - as I was - both humbled and inspired by their courage, their humanity, and their downright refusal to let this thing win. When your specialist says that you are "gonna live a long time", he's not kidding. I hope that you will come back here often, and that you will find, as many people here have found, that life is changed not ended.


/... edited for typos
« Last Edit: January 11, 2012, 07:55:09 PM by MarkB »

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.