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Author Topic: Time Out Needed For This LTS.  (Read 3536 times)

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Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« on: March 02, 2011, 03:32:43 AM »
 Hello folks,
              I'm Bertram.  I live in Vancouver, British Columbia.  With my cat, Lady, and a 72 yr best friend, Cleve.  I was a gardener for most of my working life.  Landscapeing, gardening, foreman etc.  However, COPD has slowed me down a fair bit.  I look after myself, no drinking, smoking, fatty food.

              I still have two gardens I look after.  The one where i live, and a vollunter garden for the city of Vancouver.  It's all I can do to care for them.

             I remember so well, the day I went to see my GP, and he told me I was positive.  I knew before he told me.  I had experimented with drugs, just once, and damn!, Asopes fables come true.  So I was about 25, or so.  The doc told me, and I remember thinking, sooooo, I'll deal with it, how bad can it be?   26 years later, I can tell you how bad it can be.  If the drugs do'nt kill you, the negative reaction from the general public will.  From strangers, employers, cops, ministers, hospitals, best friends, you name em. They have torn me down, one at a time, over the past 25-26 yrs.  Frankly, I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of the meds, sick of being sick.  No, I don't have a hiv+ buddy.  Perhaps that would help.  Mum died 15 months ago,we loved each other so much, she's gone.  The past allmost 2 years ahave been terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  So many awfull things have happened in the  last 2 years.  I would need a 6 page note to write it all out.  I cry myself to sleep, have done so for the past 17 months of so.   I must sound like a manic deppressive, but the truth is before mum's passing, I could cope, but her passing opened so many doors for so many awfull truths.
I'm sorry, I'm posting, and I'm going to have a sleep, I'm tired tonight.  Brighter day in the morning.

Bertram

               


             
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,050
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2011, 04:26:51 AM »
Bertram, I'm sorry about all your hurts.  My mom died almost 4 years ago, so I can relate to the hurt experienced by losing a mom you're close to.  It takes awhile to adjust to something like that, so please give yourself a break, and give yourself time. 

So, you have COPD, but never smoked?  That's awful.  I've had pneumonia a few times, and it's terrible not being able to breathe without problem.  Are you on meds for this?  I mean, like an inhaler or nebulizer? 

I hope you're feeling better this morning.  Just hang in there.
  L-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,838
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2011, 11:31:28 AM »
Hello Bertram, my name is Joe and welcome to the forums. I am so sorry to read of all the hurt you have endured and hopefully we can help you in some small ways. Both of my parents are gone and they leave a void that may never be filled, however, they left me a legacy of our time together. I remember it taking a couple of years of mourning to get through their deaths and to me, the fact that you are still grieving, suggests to me that the love you shared was very deep. All of this is perfectly normal and grieving will take as long as necessary and it does not make you manic depressive, as opposed to simply sad and hurt.

If, however, you feel that your life is possibly spiraling out of control, then maybe it is time to seek some support. Maybe talking with someone could help you sort through your feelings, if for nothing else, to bring you some peace with your state of mind. I say this, because I suffer from clinical depression and I can attest to the power of therapy. As I read your post, I can feel your pain and when you say that "her passing opened so many doors for so many awful truths", I encourage you to explore those "awful truths", to see if they are indeed real and how you can learn to adjust. I offer this, because you are obviously in a lot of pain and there are ways to face and eventually overcome that pain.

I look forward to getting to know you better and I will leave you with one last thought. Since you are a gardener, have you considered creating a garden, just for your mom? A special place, of your creation, as a tribute to the love that you shared. Something tells me that doing some form of remembrance for her, would bring about great healing for you.

One last thing. Please do not apologize for how you feel, none is necessary. We are here for you, so please feel free to speak your mind and we promise, to always listen.   

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,644
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 01:43:36 PM »
Hi Bertram, glad you're here, and sorry you are having a rough time right now.  The good news is, you've come to the right place!  There are lots of us LTSers here to listen and offer support to each other...and we're happy for you to join us.

Hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you

HUGS, Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2011, 01:50:14 PM »
Hi
Figured I'd chip in and say HI.  I too lost my Mom not long ago.  My biggest supporter.  it left me feeling a bit at loose ends.  Been trying to gather up the spilled beans for a couple years.
I have a great partner who is always there for me, so that has made it easier.
Diagnosed in 1989.

Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2011, 02:17:10 PM »
Joe/Betty/et all

Each day brings a new challenge.  Haveing fought the good fight for all these years has left it's scars, both mentally, and figurativly, ie- lypodytrophy.  HIV has certainly has had dramatic effects on my life.  No doubt, on all of the lives of the members here.  I live in the gay community of Vancouver, the West End. Here there is the best care available in Canada, and I avail myself of it.
Once enough stones are pelted at you, it's time to retreat, which is what I have done.  I was
trying to work in a straight job, with construction type people.  It got out I was positive.  I suffered through 5 years of misery, before an accident broke my hip, (thank heaven's) and sent me to semi-retirment. 
I do have a garden I dedicate to my mum, it's the traffic circle just up the road. It gives me great pleasure.  It makes me smile, once I'm there, I don't want to leave!  There is stilll alot of good in the world, I know that.  I have something to offer.  I won't be working in the straight world any longer.  Freak'n hilly billys. Enough!
Life is good, this club is good.  Talk things out, life will go on, yes.
These are the meds I take:
ISENTRESS 400MG X2 D
INTELENCE 200MG X2 D
PREZISTA  600MG X2 D
RITONAVIR 100MG X2D
I have been on this cocktail for about  3 years, CD4's hovering around 400 Viral load undetectable except 1 time.

Take care everyone.  Bertram
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 12,715
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2011, 02:19:05 PM »
Hi Bertram and welcome to the forums .

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2011, 02:29:24 PM »



 Bertram Welcomed, were a strange and different jaded bunch of LTS  stick around , we love to hear more from you soon, I hope this finds you some comfort  ;D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2011, 06:45:44 AM »
Hi Bertram,

Just saying Howdy and welcome...

Ronnie
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2011, 03:53:04 PM »
Welcome Bertram,

Are you a guerilla gardener.?

Look forward to hearing more from you.

love mhtv
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat

  • Member
  • Posts: 51
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2011, 04:34:19 PM »
Hello Bertram,     A guru once said, "be kind, everyone is fighting a difficult battle".  Life isn't easy, and it is the challenges through which we gain wisdom.    My mom died last year.   Losing one's mother has deeper emotional energy than we are conscious of.  The invitation is to connect to the love in each and every person, animal, and plant. (I'm sure you experience the love of plants).  Sending you much love and support in feeling the pain, the loss and challenges, and finding the way to acceptance of what is.  The peace that comes from knowing that life is perfect, whole and complete in every moment.  Love & Aloha.

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2011, 11:54:50 AM »
Yes, I experience the love of plants.
To the point of distraction.  I can hardly bring myself to take a weed, ie dandilion, out of a lawn.  There really is no such thing as a weed.  What we refer to as a weed, is simply a plant, in a location we would prefer it wasn't.  Take'n in that context, a perfectly healthy mature blue spruce, could be refered to as a weed. 

GoodMatchHawaii
"The peace that comes from knowing that life is perfect, whole and complete in every moment."  Thank you.   
« Last Edit: March 06, 2011, 12:03:38 PM by sorryass »
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2011, 11:58:44 AM »
Yes, I experience the love of plants.
To the point of distraction.  I can hardly bring myself to take a weed, ie dandilion, out of my lawn.  There really is no such thing as a weed.  What we refer to as weeds, are simply plants, in a location we would prefer they wern't.  Take'n in that context, a perfectly healthy mature blue spruce, could be refered to as a weed. 
GoodMatchHawaii
"The peace that comes from knowing that life is perfect, whole and complete in every moment."  Thank you.   

Yes, I always enjoy natural beauty, it's just so wrong to go outside, and not even notice it ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 12,715
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2011, 05:40:26 PM »
I like nature crap OK I guess when it suits me or involves something fun .

As I grow older I like my living room and central heat and air , all I need is a pasty atheist to enjoy it with and I'm all set .

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2011, 05:46:34 PM »
Hi Bertram.

Welcome to the forums from Belgium.

I lost my sweet momma last year and I am still grieving. But I think of the legacy she left me ... lots and lots of good memories. And above that I made her deepest wish come true... to survive her.

As Joe, a highly cherished member on here, wrote : look for some support. We all need a helping hand.

Keep on posting

hugs

Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2011, 09:38:17 PM »
Evening folks,
                  I spent the day gardening.  A traffic circle I have in downtown Vancouver.  It's a vollunter, labour of love.  I allways feel good when I go there.  Today, I felt better than I have in some time.  The acceptance here in this club, allowing me to vent a little has relaxed my shoulders noticeably.  Thank you all for your support.
                  Today I  reminded myself of the advise GoodMatchHawaiie offered.  I found it calming, as I tended  my gardening.  Seems I am not alone in haveing recently lost my Mum.  To those of you going through the grieving process, I can only speak for myself, time seems to heal, try to be strong.  It's a shock, a prolonged shock.  Take care everyone.

Bertram
xo 
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline OneTampa

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,295
  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #16 on: March 06, 2011, 09:39:40 PM »
Hello and Welcome Bertram,

My mother passed on last year suddenly and peacefully.  It is so true about the deep connection a mother has.

As I posted before, although I did not tell my mother about my HIV+ status, she told me years ago out of the blue that I would be OK. So far, after 26 years HIV+, I am hanging in there.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline OzPaul

  • Member
  • Posts: 410
  • a very blessed 29 year ltnp
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2011, 11:07:30 PM »
Hi Bertram

 Greetings and welcome to  the forums. There are a great bunch of folks here, for sure :)  I too lost my Mum a year ago. I miss here every day, though she would want me to be happy and live a good life.  I also take comfort and pleasure from my garden as well as living in the forest. As you've heard from other LTS's here, I've learned to be kind to myself. I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Cheers,
Paul

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,404
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2011, 01:47:40 AM »
Hey Bertram,

I thought I had already said hello, but I guess I dreamed it or something.

Anyway, welcome aboard. Glad you're here.

Sorry you're having a rough go of it right now. Be well.

HUGS,

Mark
« Last Edit: March 07, 2011, 01:49:20 AM by aztecan »
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Time Out Needed For This LTS.
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2011, 12:10:18 PM »
Bertram,
Welcome to the forums. As I was reading your post, I thought it was one of my own!

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I think most of us LTS-ers has felt what your going through.
Hang tough man! Glad you found the forums.
JEFF
Positive since 1985

 


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