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Author Topic: is there a way to force someone to be tested  (Read 3148 times)

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Offline PozJeepGuy

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is there a way to force someone to be tested
« on: February 13, 2011, 02:14:07 PM »
When I tested positive I asked my ex partner to go get tested.  The reason he is a ex is I found out he was having unprotected tricks.  He told me his business is his business and no he would not tell me the results. In the last 6 months I have been dealing with this, that is the only question still unanswered.  Is there a way to have someone tested if you know they are the one that infected you. Or is it you will never know and have to find a way to let go of this. 
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2011, 02:28:25 PM »
When I tested positive I asked my ex partner to go get tested.  The reason he is a ex is I found out he was having unprotected tricks.  He told me his business is his business and no he would not tell me the results. In the last 6 months I have been dealing with this, that is the only question still unanswered.  Is there a way to have someone tested if you know they are the one that infected you. Or is it you will never know and have to find a way to let go of this. 

If you know he is the one who infected you then what will forcing him to get tested achieve? I mean for you, that is.

Generally speaking you cannot make somebody else have a medical test they do not want to have, though there may be in your juridstiction some odious legal maneuvre that could achieve this.

You will still be HIV positive at the end of it all. Unless he raped you, there will always be the rather uncomfortable fact that you consented to unprotected sex with him.

And the cycle of blame goes round and round and round and round.

I think you already know what you really need to do. Begin the process of moving on without him. You say as much. Why continue to give him this sort of control over you?

Let go of the blame. Let go of who did what to whom. Get on with your life.

You'll feel much better for it.

MtD

Offline mecch

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2011, 04:04:36 PM »
If there are "criminal transmission" laws in your state you might be able to go that route, but no lawyers will take the case seriously if the reason you press charges is "just to know" - and, would you be interested in pressing charges for another reason?
Wash your hands and mind of this jerk. Though it's not easy. But you seem to want to go that route because you mentioned letting go.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline anniebc

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2011, 04:17:02 PM »
When I tested positive I asked my ex partner to go get tested.  .  He told me his business is his business and no he would not tell me the results.

From the above post it sounds like your Ex has already been tested but he is just not giving you the results of his tests..is that right?...just curious.

I can't really add anymore to what the guys have already said, I would listen to Matty if I were you and just move on.

Jan

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Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2011, 05:02:54 PM »
From the above post it sounds like your Ex has already been tested but he is just not giving you the results of his tests..is that right?...just curious.

I can't really add anymore to what the guys have already said, I would listen to Matty if I were you and just move on.

Jan



Good point Janno. I had early morning brain-fog. :)

Jeep,

 If he hasn't tested how do you know he's positive? If he has, what will him sharing his test results with you achieve?

MtD

Offline tednlou2

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2011, 11:37:37 PM »
Do you believe he knew he was poz during the relationship and knowingly put you at risk?  If that were the case, you may be able to get his medical records and have the question asked of him under oath.  There are certainly many prosecutors, it seems, who are wanting to pursue these cases today.   

Or, are you just wanting to prove that he was the one who brought HIV into the relationship instead of people thinking you must have been cheating, because you're poz?  Even then, he could just say it was you who gave it to him.  If you know it was he who gave it to you and don't believe he already knew he was poz, then I'm not sure what it would prove.  Having said that, I realize you only asked whether you could force someone to test and weren't asking whether you should do it or whether it would help you in any way.     

Offline PozJeepGuy

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2011, 02:21:48 AM »
Alot of good points here.  So to answer some questions.   

First I do think he knew and just didn't tell me.

 Second some one asked what am I looking to get out of it. If I have to deal with it I feel he should too.  He is still sleeping around alot and saying he is disease free. I know for a fact he has HPV in the form of anal warts which didn't come from me. 

I keep thinking that if I have that one hundred percent confirmation that it will put mind at ease.  Don't get me wrong being diagnosed 6 month's ago it is getting easier. The worse part is this (for me)  mental image I have of myself in my own head.  So been single a year now and thinking i want to get back out there but annoyed, shameful, and just dreading the whole disclosure with a potential partner.  I wrote the question to see how others would respond.   I'm wondering if anyone has gone threw the same.  It still hurts just not having him just be honest.  Anyways I do want to move on that's why I'm talking about it instead of just keeping all this in my head.

 Thanks again. Jake
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

Offline mecch

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2011, 05:15:26 AM »
Lets put it in a nutshell:  His current partners are responsible for themselves - if they are believing this "disease free" line whether its true or not - that's pretty far removed from your control.  And regading your ex partner, if he is positive - but doesn't know - and says hes negative, well, you being HIV+ must have certainly put a doubt in his beliefs but hes sticking to his illusions.  What does that say about this person? (maybe an asshole, certainly a selfish person who recklessly hurts others)  And, forcing him to know he's positive may not do anything to prevent continued delusional behavior. Plus, maybe he knows he's positive already, and is deliberately lying.   All in all, its a nest of lies and delusions and maybe you should be happy he's your ex and all this false living is out of your life.

Your ex hurt you. And, if you are correct, may be the source of your HIV.  This is rolling continuously in your head, right next to the rolling thoughts and fears about HIV - and future disclosure to a new lover, etc etc.  This all seems perfectly human - I've certainly lived similar mental challenges.  

A method of healing that works is to keep that ex as far away from your new life as possible and not take any responsibility for the damage he is doing to others.  

From afar, its seems like there isn't much chance of redeeming a mutually satisfying friendship or respect between you two.   You need distance and time.  Time is the thing that cures rolling thoughts, and living a good life with new experiences in the present.


« Last Edit: February 16, 2011, 05:19:52 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline AlanBama

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2011, 11:35:55 AM »
Wise words from Matty, that you would be smart to take to heart.   I understand it would give you some satisfaction to know for 100% certain that he was "the one" who gave it to you, but in the end, what difference would it make?  You (and probably he) are both still positive.   As for what he is telling his current sex partners, and most likely lying about his status, that is between them.

Get some counseling if you need to, and find a way to move forward.

Hugs, Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2011, 12:33:28 PM »
So this is a discussion in two parts it seems.

First and foremost, there is no way you will ever know the results of any medical test performed on another person unless they show them to you or tell them about you.  It's simply not your business.  If you know that he is the cause of your infection then you can go to the health department and inform them of such and they will handle it from there.  Typically when someone is newly diagnosed they trace your sexual contacts to make sure that everyone you had sex with has been tested to stem more infections from occurring.  I suppose this never happened?

Secondly, this person brings nothing good to your life so you are better off removing him from it completely.  I've dealt before with friends who have a difficult time just cutting someone out of their life, but I think for you this might be the best idea.  Try not to think about him, try not to think about the cause of your infection and instead concern yourself with moving forward rather than dwelling in the past.  This has the effect of freeing you from the chains of anger and regret that are binding you at the moment.

Offline PozJeepGuy

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2011, 07:00:16 PM »
This is one of the reasons I moved from Kentucky to Colorado.  I guess lately I am just really feeling alone.  Its odd to yearn for something that has messed your life up.  I told my counselor today I just mess that feeling of laying my head on his chest and just feeling safe.  Two weeks ago I felt like things were finally heading in the right direction and this week I caught a bug or something and just don't feel good and being across country away from my family just has been hitting me lately.  I truly appreciate the words of wisdom.  I know in my head everyone is right and time to move on.  I just wish my heart would catch up. 
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

Offline bocker3

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2011, 10:19:27 PM »
I know in my head everyone is right and time to move on.  I just wish my heart would catch up. 

It will...  Give yourself time.  You are going through a very difficult time.  Use your counselor to help you adjust to your new reality.  Also -- use these forums -- it's a great source of knowledge, comfort and, when needed, a slap upside the head.   :D

You are not the first to go through all these feelings, but go through them you must.  Just remember it does get better.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline tednlou2

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2011, 01:54:49 AM »
What part of Kentucky are you from, if you don't mind answering?  If not specific town, what area?  I'm in Louisville.

It sounds like you're going through the emotions of hating him, but also missing him at the same time??  If he knew he was poz and knowingly put you at risk, I can see where you would want to know.  I've gone through this exact situation.  It has come to my attention that the person who I'm 95% sure infected me (a friend of 10 years) knew he was poz and knowingly put me at risk.  I've discussed this before here.  I've gone through the emotions of wanting to see him in prison to just wanting him to admit it, forgive, and move on.  I wasn't in love with him, so I don't know the betrayal you're feeling--if he did know he was poz, but didn't tell you.  However, I was extremely hurt by my ex cheating on me, which led to our break-up.  I was about 19 at the time.  I was a mess, but met someone so awesome who made me realize my ex was just toxic.  I began to wonder what I ever saw in him.  I guess it was he was my first love. 

I wish ya the best getting through this.  Get in that Jeep and come home to KY--even for just a visit with your family.  I know that is easier said than done.         


Offline PozJeepGuy

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2011, 02:58:11 AM »
The ex and I broke up last Feb, and a month later I moved to Colorado.  He then started coming out here and we got back on track.  The funny thing is the last time I was truly happy was the last time he came out and we took a trip up to steamboat springs.  It was magic and all was right and we had a amazing time together.  Two weeks after he left my best friend and I went to Wyoming gay pride. My friend tells me he hasn't been tested in 5-6 years.  I was just tested in January and it came back neg. So I pushed my friend to get tested stating the whole I will do it with you.  I will never forget that day as I'm sure none of us here will forget that day. This was Sept. 12 of last year.  The ex says I will stand by you with this, that was until I asked him to get tested.  He got all pissy with me and saying he doesn't have to prove anything and how dare I ask for that.  So after lots of fighting we stop talking.  I went came home to crittenden, Ky for a visit and one thing led to another and we hooked up for all of a hour.  In that hour I gave in and we had unprotected sex.  He said before we began I want to give it to you bare.  I went along because he had all the facts.  Afterward I jumped up and ran out the door.  Am I wrong in having the belief that was just proof he knew he had it and .........     I think all this has flared up due to last valentines day all hell brook loose when we lived together.  I was truly in love with that man and I feel I wasn't important enough for him to respect me.   Which leads me to where I am now just trying to find some self respect right now and just some direction to go in.
I am a firm believer in karma and just feel as tho If there was a way to make him get tested he can know how it feels to deal with what he as done
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2011, 03:25:12 AM »
Thing about Karma, is that it comes from the universe/multiverse. And not always, according to those who believe, in the form... or even in the time one would expect.

Karma we dole out ourselves is called revenge. And it's proving beyond all doubt that the object of our revenge controls us.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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Offline Dachshund

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2011, 05:42:12 AM »
The ex says I will stand by you with this, that was until I asked him to get tested.  He got all pissy with me and saying he doesn't have to prove anything and how dare I ask for that.  So after lots of fighting we stop talking.  I went came home to crittenden, Ky for a visit and one thing led to another and we hooked up for all of a hour.  In that hour I gave in and we had unprotected sex.  He said before we began I want to give it to you bare.  I went along because he had all the facts.  Afterward I jumped up and ran out the door.  Am I wrong in having the belief that was just proof he knew he had it and .........     

I'm sorry but you had all the facts and you still had unprotected sex. Maybe this was your bad Karma.

Offline thunter34

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2011, 10:46:00 AM »
I am a firm believer in karma and just feel as tho If there was a way to make him get tested he can know how it feels to deal with what he as done

Sweetheart, karma doesn't need a push.  It takes care of itself. 
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Zohar

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Re: is there a way to force someone to be tested
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2011, 06:19:37 PM »
There seems to be an element of revenge at work here and it's my belief that that  always brings sorrow on the person seeking it.

Even if you were able to force him to get tested, I don't think it would bring you any peace or happiness and could actually make you feel worse, if you don't get the sort of response you want, which is a distinct possibilty.


The best you can do for yourself is to get on with your life and leave this man in your past.
''Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.''

 


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