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Author Topic: Relationship with neg. person  (Read 5461 times)

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Offline ltnXc

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Relationship with neg. person
« on: January 05, 2011, 01:39:30 PM »
so i have been diagnosed since april of last year ... stater taking meds in late may...... i have been seeing this guy .... he is negative ... IM AFRAID.  I dont want to be the one responsible for giving him HIV he has gotten tested twice while we have been together both times negative... but im scared, if i ever gave it to him i would never forgive myself.....I think im going to break it off i love him very much, we really dont have sex because i dont want to pass it to him ... we have used protection all the time but just the guilt gets to me every single time.....

Offline peteb

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2011, 01:42:53 PM »
Protection
I have been with my partner 15 years he is neg and I just thank god for that
use the umbrella
good luck
Pete

Offline ltnXc

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2011, 01:44:40 PM »
but thats the thing that gets to me there will always be a what if.....

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2011, 02:29:50 PM »
I think im going to break it off i love him very much, we really dont have sex because i dont want to pass it to him ... we have used protection all the time but just the guilt gets to me every single time.....

Why not give him the opportunity to make his own decisions? If you have been honest with him and he is educated regarding HIV he should be capable deciding what he is and isn't comfortable with. If you are not ready for a relationship then let him go but if you really love him don't let a virus get in the way.

Offline Defarge

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2011, 05:36:08 PM »
but thats the thing that gets to me there will always be a what if.....

That's life, that is. As the old saying goes, you could get run over by a bus tomorrow, but would that stop you from stepping out the front door?

Offline zach

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2011, 06:36:49 PM »
i think relationship is the important word, trust him to love and support you
« Last Edit: January 05, 2011, 06:38:41 PM by zach »

Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2011, 08:14:26 PM »
I know a "magnetic" couple and the guy who is negative has remained negative after 10 years.

They practice safe sex but I've been meaning to ask them what's their policy when it cums to cock-sucking.

I know they once had a scare where there was blood involved. They were on vacation, the one who is poz had brought extra amounts of his meds on the trip The neg guy started PEP right then and there, until they got back to NYC and he was able to get a Rx for PEP.

It's totally do-able but both parties have to be educated about the facts and relaxed. Ignorance and nerves will fuck things up for sure.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2011, 10:25:58 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2011, 10:17:26 PM »
They practice safe sex but I've been meaning to ask them what's their policy when it cums to cock-sucking.

And you would want to know this, why??  For your own curiousity?  I can tell you that if someone asked my partner and I what our "policy when it cums to cock-sucking", I'd either say that it's none of you business or I'd simply say, "we use our mouths, why, how do you do it."

Maybe you have a special kind of friendship there, but that just hits me as the height of rudeness.

Mike
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Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2011, 10:23:23 PM »
And you would want to know this, why??  For your own curiousity?  I can tell you that if someone asked my partner and I what our "policy when it cums to cock-sucking", I'd either say that it's none of you business or I'd simply say, "we use our mouths, why, how do you do it."

Maybe you have a special kind of friendship there, but that just hits me as the height of rudeness.

Mike

These friends would have absolutely no problem in telling me, I just have not had a chance to ask. What I'm mainly curious about is whether there's any oral exchange of semen, specifically from the poz partner to the neg. The poz partner, by the way, has been UD for many years. He's had HIV since about 1986.

The reason I would even ask about the oral sex is because I'm only recently navigating a sex life after being poz and I get paranoid if anyone wants to suck my dick so I'm trying to figure it all out for myself.

I think it's a no-brainer that to avoid HIV you use condoms when fucking. The gray area to me is when it comes to oral sex. The transmission risk is probably negligible if the poz partner is undetectable and there's not actual semen involved but what about if there's semen or if the person is not undetectable? If I were HIV-negative I personally would not feel comfortable  with a mouthful of undetectable poz cum, but that's just me.

« Last Edit: January 05, 2011, 10:49:24 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2011, 11:32:53 PM »
I have been in four long term (over a year) relationships since testing positive. Three of them have been with negative guys. All stayed negative while we were together. When I have been on meds and UD, oral both ways was not an issue. Well, it WAS an issue, but in the best possible way.

Bareback anal, especially when I was/am the top (insert line from the new Star Trek Movie here: "It happened! I SAW it happen!") was and is outside of my comfort zone. Even when UD, which I am currently not.

Thing is, I can relate to the OP because I felt the same when I was going through the first years of being a Pozzie.  The real message to ME, eventually, was that I was not really ready to date again, regardless of status. I had a LOT of self-acceptance to do, and a lot of shame and stigma to overcome in my own head.

Much learning and a lot of time later, I was ready for the next level. And then the next.

I absolutely think that the OP can overcome this fear, and can realize and accept that it is his own head that is telling him that he is venomous, that he is unworthy, that he is tainted. Or he could trust the science - the SAME science he uses to save his life and manage his illness - to determine a comfort level that includes, even celebrates, the innate need for human sexual intimacy.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline rodeo

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2011, 11:46:57 PM »
I met my registered domestic partner (my lover) 10 days after my first partner died of AIDS.  I told him on our first date a week later, while I was cooking dinner.  By the time we finished eating and had a couple hours together, we had our first SAFE sex.

That was 23 years ago.

We are still together and he is still negative.

He made that decision.

So, if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, make a sexy Latino your partner who understands that living with AIDS is an option that is one heck of a lot more fun than isolating yourself. 

If he is aware, he'll either be mature enough and care enough to love you or he won't.  Better to find out up front and not waste all that energy worrying about it.  You have a lot of healing to expend that energy on and you need a partner who will lend you some of his when you need it.  Don't waste what you have on someone who isn't man enough to face the music and love you for the other 99.94% of you and take the virus as a challenge to overcome rather than a stop sign.

You are who you are, and you are positive.  Face it, and share it.  Don't be afraid of it. Don't underestimate the power of love.  He might just surprise you and help you through the next 23 years like my guy did with me.

The fear you have is in your head. Love him with your heart and if you need a support group, get in one.  You have to learn to cope with your fears and not let them stop you from being who you are, or him from being who he can be if you just give him the chance and trust him to make the decision for himself if he wants to live with a positive partner.  The choice is not yours to make for him.


Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2011, 07:36:35 AM »
These friends would have absolutely no problem in telling me, I just have not had a chance to ask. What I'm mainly curious about is whether there's any oral exchange of semen, specifically from the poz partner to the neg. The poz partner, by the way, has been UD for many years. He's had HIV since about 1986.

The reason I would even ask about the oral sex is because I'm only recently navigating a sex life after being poz and I get paranoid if anyone wants to suck my dick so I'm trying to figure it all out for myself.

I think it's a no-brainer that to avoid HIV you use condoms when fucking. The gray area to me is when it comes to oral sex. The transmission risk is probably negligible if the poz partner is undetectable and there's not actual semen involved but what about if there's semen or if the person is not undetectable? If I were HIV-negative I personally would not feel comfortable  with a mouthful of undetectable poz cum, but that's just me.



It's the judgement that comes attached to the question that causes my angst (whether blatant or implied, intentional or not).  If they feel differently than you do about oral exchange of fluids, what then?  Will you change your mind?  Will you try to change their minds?  You see what I'm getting at here?  I'm not convinced from your answer that you are trying to navigate sex.  You have stated that if you were neg you would not want to risk having contact with poz semen. 
I think you need to figure out what YOU are comfortable with, what your partner is comfortable with and go from there.  I don't think there is one answer here.  If you are both comfortable with no condom sucking, great.  Your next partner might not be and you'd have to negotiate through that again. 

For the record -- my neg. partner and I don't use condoms for oral sex -- but I would never cum in his mouth.  That doesn't mean everyone should do this, it simply is where we got to in our negotiating sex after my diagnosis.

Mike
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Offline gerry69

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2011, 08:53:33 AM »
IM AFRAID.  I dont want to be the one responsible for giving him HIV he has gotten tested twice while we have been together both times negative... but im scared, if i ever gave it to him i would never forgive myself.....I think im going to break it off i love him very much, we really dont have sex because i dont want to pass it to him ... we have used protection all the time but just the guilt gets to me every single time.....

When I was diagnosed what seems like a lifetime ago I was in what might have been considered an extremely precarious position psychologically.....I had been battling with self-acceptance and coming out to myself as well as others....HIV was just one more thing...At the time I couldn't imagine who would want to love me.  I used the diagnosis as an excuse for pushing people away and avoiding dealing with my feelings..... As perverse as it may sound in my subconscious I was thinking I hit the lottery.....Why would anyone want to risk having a relationship with someone who was 'positive'? it was the perfect way out.

Lucky for me it didn't work........... ;D

You are who you are, and you are positive.  Face it, and share it.  Don't be afraid of it. Don't underestimate the power of love.  He might just surprise you and help you through the next 23 years like my guy did with me.

The fear you have is in your head. Love him with your heart and if you need a support group, get in one.  You have to learn to cope with your fears and not let them stop you from being who you are, or him from being who he can be if you just give him the chance and trust him to make the decision for himself if he wants to live with a positive partner.  The choice is not yours to make for him.

While I don't deny the prospect is daunting the end result may surprise you  -- I have been with my current partner for 16 years -- and while they have not been without their challenges -- when I am being totally honest with myself I wouldn't trade them for the world --

Give yourself a chance ---


Offline ltnXc

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2011, 12:04:43 PM »
i see what all you guys are getting at but..... when ever he goes and gets tested he cries....... he says hes afraid.... and that he can feel that he is positive.... i dont think i have came to terms about me yet, and i actually feel REALLY REALLY GUILTY..in a way i dont want to put him in that doubt...or make feel feel that way... i really feel like im a burden on him. I told him straight out NO MORE SEX because of the guilt , im not gonna go thru that.... and i feel like he's giving me a guilt trip every single time he goes and gets tested.

Online Buckmark

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2011, 12:22:04 PM »
It sounds like your guy hasn't been able to come to terms with what it means to be in a relationship with someone who is HIV+.   The examples of others here should prove that it is possible for neggie to be in a long-term relationship with a pozzie, without transmitting HIV.  You might want to show him this thread.  You may also want to get some more education on HIV and how it is transmitted.  If you've done that, you might want to engage the services of a counselor or therapist to help you work through this issue.  Sometimes communication of concerns and fears is difficult and comes across in unintended ways, so a third-party might be able to help you there.

Ultimately, though, I hope he wants and freely chooses to be in a relationship with you.  You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you.  You deserve to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with you. 

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2011, 07:38:15 PM »
I agree with what Henry says, above. The friends that I know in a magnetic relationship, the one who is neg is very calm about the whole thing. He's made it a point to educate himself, which is key. If your partner is freaking out and crying this is not a good sign.

Mike: No matter what answer they were to give, I would have zero judgments about it. My only motivation for wanting to know would be because their experience is invaluable (as is yours, thanks for sharing above). Not sure why you aren't convinced when I say I'm trying to navigate a sex life after learning I'm poz, it's true.  Why is this so hard to believe. It's pretty normal for a person to have to acclimate themselves to many things, especially when it comes to sex, after learning they are poz.

Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #16 on: January 06, 2011, 10:19:46 PM »
Mike: No matter what answer they were to give, I would have zero judgments about it. My only motivation for wanting to know would be because their experience is invaluable (as is yours, thanks for sharing above). Not sure why you aren't convinced when I say I'm trying to navigate a sex life after learning I'm poz, it's true.  Why is this so hard to believe. It's pretty normal for a person to have to acclimate themselves to many things, especially when it comes to sex, after learning they are poz.

Sorry -- I wasn't really clear.  What I was trying to say was that it appears you already have your "feeling" on oral sex, so I didn't really see you as navigating to what to do there (not sure if that was any more clear).  I agree that finding out one is poz puts a different "spin" on sex and one has to figure out how to deal with sex in your new reality.  Of course, it has to be more than just you -- what you are comfortable with is only half the equation -- BOTH parties have to reach a comfort point, which could be different point with different partners.  So what works for your friends or for me and my partner may NOT be right for you and your partner.  At the end of the day, you just have to figure it out -- what others do or don't do shouldn't matter much -- your intelligent, you know what safer sex is.
I still have those "oh shit" moments with sex -- fortunately my partner has always been in a calmer state about it.  I'd be lying if I said that I never worry about infecting him -- I just try to get past the emotional state and move to logic.  Of course sometimes I just say that I have a headache......     :-\

Mike
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Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #17 on: January 06, 2011, 10:30:04 PM »
Sorry -- I wasn't really clear.  What I was trying to say was that it appears you already have your "feeling" on oral sex, so I didn't really see you as navigating to what to do there (not sure if that was any more clear).  I agree that finding out one is poz puts a different "spin" on sex and one has to figure out how to deal with sex in your new reality.  Of course, it has to be more than just you -- what you are comfortable with is only half the equation -- BOTH parties have to reach a comfort point, which could be different point with different partners.  So what works for your friends or for me and my partner may NOT be right for you and your partner.  At the end of the day, you just have to figure it out -- what others do or don't do shouldn't matter much -- your intelligent, you know what safer sex is.
I still have those "oh shit" moments with sex -- fortunately my partner has always been in a calmer state about it.  I'd be lying if I said that I never worry about infecting him -- I just try to get past the emotional state and move to logic.  Of course sometimes I just say that I have a headache......     :-\

Mike

I don't already have a feeling about oral sex, what makes you think that? I'm still trying to figure it out!

When you talk about both parties being comfortable, I think that applies if one is in a relationship. I'm single and would be having sex as a single gay man and only plan on doing what I'm comfortable with. If the other person involved is not in sync with it then we wouldn't be having sex.

To be blunt, I'm not 100% comfortable with someone sucking my dick and it's something I'm "researching" to see how my feelings about it evolve, if they evolve. I guess it's fine as long as I don't cum, I'm not sure. This is what I'm trying to figure out and I only brought it up in this thread since the OP and his partner are coming to terms with sex as a magnetic couple. I do think the experience of other magnetic couples when it comes to oral sex is important, especially if the negative partners in question have managed to remain negative.

Sorry for the hijak!
« Last Edit: January 06, 2011, 10:40:50 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #18 on: January 06, 2011, 11:26:47 PM »
I'm "researching" to see how my feelings about it evolve, if they evolve. I guess it's fine as long as I don't cum, I'm not sure. This is what I'm trying to figure out

Sounds like a question for Dr. Gallant, no?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2011, 07:48:49 AM »
I don't already have a feeling about oral sex, what makes you think that? I'm still trying to figure it out!

Sure you do --
If I were HIV-negative I personally would not feel comfortable  with a mouthful of undetectable poz cum, but that's just me.
Surely you aren't saying that you'd be uncomfortable doing it if you were neg, but are comfortable letting someone else who is neg do it to you now that you are poz?

When you talk about both parties being comfortable, I think that applies if one is in a relationship. I'm single and would be having sex as a single gay man and only plan on doing what I'm comfortable with. If the other person involved is not in sync with it then we wouldn't be having sex.

So how is that different than what I said?  Assuming you disclose, of course -- you and your trick will have sex that you are both comfortable with -- else you won't.

To be blunt, I'm not 100% comfortable with someone sucking my dick and it's something I'm "researching" to see how my feelings about it evolve, if they evolve. I guess it's fine as long as I don't cum, I'm not sure. This is what I'm trying to figure out and I only brought it up in this thread since the OP and his partner are coming to terms with sex as a magnetic couple. I do think the experience of other magnetic couples when it comes to oral sex is important, especially if the negative partners in question have managed to remain negative.
I am not really trying to argue with you -- just point out that you can't rely on what others do to determine what you are comfortable with doing.  You simply have to get to that point yourself.  If every magnetic couple you know has condomless oral sex, so you decide you will and then one of your partners/tricks turns up positive what then??  This is a journey that you have take.  It took me time to get to a point that I'd let my partner suck my dick -- I KNEW there was virtually no risk (once I was UD), but that didn't help me at first.  I had to get comfortable with it -- he was always comfortable with it.  Until we both were -- he got all the blowjobs.

Hopefully you get what I'm trying to say to you (and the OP).

Mike
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Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #20 on: January 07, 2011, 08:35:24 AM »
To Mike: I will repeat and please take this at face value: I don't already have a feeling about oral sex, I'm still trying to figure it out. It's presumptuous of you to say otherwise.  

Let's please stop this exchange, this thread isn't about me.

Miss P:  Yea, I need to read up his archived questions, it's probably been asked many times. Despite what Mike believes, it does help me to know the experience of long term magnetic couples (along with what Gallant's opinion is and other things).
« Last Edit: January 07, 2011, 08:38:13 AM by Inchlingblue »

Offline Ann

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #21 on: January 07, 2011, 10:33:36 AM »
ltnXc, I was in a poz/neg relationship when I was first diagnosed. We'd been together for eighteen months when I found out, but he tested negative. For the first year or so, he tested every three months, then that slowly tapered off until by the time we split up eight years later, he hadn't tested for a couple years. He did test again when we split, and he was still negative.

We were both nervous every time he tested in that first year or so, but our confidence grew with each negative result that we were doing what we needed to protect his negative status. And the only thing we did do was to use condoms for intercourse.

It might... it should get easier in time for you both.

Good luck. poz/neg relationships are totally possible and there are plenty of such couples out there. In fact, there have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.
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Offline next2u

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2011, 05:41:26 AM »
i agree with henry and ann.

i also would like to add you need to take care of yourself during this first year. if you are dealing with the stress of relationship and still grappling with the emotional consequences of a new diagnosis you may need to prioritize your feelings and have a good ol' one on one convo with your boyfriend.

it's definitely a learning process and i believe it is worth it. if you like him and he is willing to hear you out, and vice versa, workout boundaries or whatever and move forward with your relationship. if, on the other hand, he keeps having to deal with stress over his hiv test after each test and it becomes unbearable then you may need to reconsider things.

best,
d
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aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline itsimple

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2011, 06:25:35 PM »
There is very little to worry about if a few golden rules are followed.
1. Do everything you can to remain virologically undetectable. PCR<50copies
2. Practice safe sex.
3. Plan ahead: Talk to your doctor about Post Exposure prophylaxis. The risks very depending on the details/degree of exposure and to whom. A person can avoid contracting HIV if they take HIV meds after an exposure (95% risk reduction). Most Medical professionals would recommend starting Prep within 72hrs of exposure. You will have to discuss how this will be paid for. A typicall supply of Prep meds can run about 1000 bucks. Emergency medical facilities are supposed to offer Prep when it is warranted. Some clinics that specialize in HIV care may also offer this service. Either way, have the "paper" prescription from the doc in a safe place incase it is needed during an emergency. Do trust, most situations like this will occur on the weekend or holidays, when there is more time to be intimate/romantic. That is why you want to plan ahead and have a doctors script for Prep before the need arises. Call your local urgent care facilities and ask them what is their facilities plan for HIV exposure. Know which facilities in your area have an actual plan in place. Lastly, you and your partner may want to remain anonymous for the planning stage when you are calling and asking questions. If necessary, ask for advice "off the record" to avoid having a medical staff person put notes about the potential exposure in your partners medical chart (which is a permanent record).

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2011, 10:46:30 PM »
I have never considered the cost of PEP.  Wow, $1,000.  That makes sense given these are HIV meds and cost so much.  How many are going to shell out that kind of money even if they have it--not to mention all the people who don't have access to that kind of money. 

 

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2011, 09:46:24 AM »
There is very little to worry about if a few golden rules are followed.
1. Do everything you can to remain virologically undetectable. PCR<50copies
2. Practice safe sex.
3. Plan ahead: Talk to your doctor about Post Exposure prophylaxis. The risks very depending on the details/degree of exposure and to whom. A person can avoid contracting HIV if they take HIV meds after an exposure (95% risk reduction). Most Medical professionals would recommend starting Prep within 72hrs of exposure. You will have to discuss how this will be paid for. A typicall supply of Prep meds can run about 1000 bucks. Emergency medical facilities are supposed to offer Prep when it is warranted. Some clinics that specialize in HIV care may also offer this service. Either way, have the "paper" prescription from the doc in a safe place incase it is needed during an emergency. Do trust, most situations like this will occur on the weekend or holidays, when there is more time to be intimate/romantic. That is why you want to plan ahead and have a doctors script for Prep before the need arises. Call your local urgent care facilities and ask them what is their facilities plan for HIV exposure. Know which facilities in your area have an actual plan in place. Lastly, you and your partner may want to remain anonymous for the planning stage when you are calling and asking questions. If necessary, ask for advice "off the record" to avoid having a medical staff person put notes about the potential exposure in your partners medical chart (which is a permanent record).

You're talking about PEP, not PrEP. PrEP is pre-exposure prophylaxis, not post-exposure. The jury is still out concerning PrEP, although there have been some recent studies.

The best way to go about it is to take your partner along to one of your hiv doctor appointments and discuss it with the doctor rather than messing around with "anonymous" enquiries. An informal discussion with your doctor is not going to end up in your partner's records.

The doctor may agree to you having a few initial doses on hand or he or she may agree to your partner taking some of your meds until you can get in to a doctor to get the full 28 days worth of meds. But the important thing here is that you must first discuss this with your doctor.

Your doctor will be able to advise you when PEP may be necessary and when it is unnecessary. As you are on meds, if you are undetectable for at least six months PEP would only be recommended if you came inside him without protection. If he is the insertive partner and, for example, a condom breaks, PEP isn't really necessary.

Your doctor will be able to explain what meds he should take and at what dosage. PEP is not something to be taken lightly or in a cavalier fashion, so please make sure a doctor is consulted.

Insurance will sometimes cover the price of PEP. It depends on his insurance company and what sort of policy he has.
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline terpie82

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  • Posts: 97
Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2011, 09:20:20 PM »
I remember this guilty feeling all too well within the first year of being diagnosed. My partner too is negative and we would be together for exactly 4 years a month from now. It seems like his comfort level is not quite there yet, but that doesn't mean he loves you any less. For me -and I'm not suggesting other people do this-, I told my partner up front that he either love me with HIV or not at all and move on...he chose to stick around and has always been comfortable with it. So maybe give this guy some time as it seems like he's still coping with it, but when he does, he'll start handing you a glass of cold water every night to take your meds (if you're on them) and then kisses you good night. As for the guilt, it does diminish over-time. But if you find that he goes out of his way to make you feel guilty, then perhaps it's time for a little one-on-one...
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2011, 10:32:33 AM »
I had a poz-neg relationship for three years, and my neg partner never had worries -- rarely even got tested.  We used condoms 100% of the time for anal sex so we figured eh, what's the big fucking deal.  All of this worry is in your head.

ps: He'd dated other HIV+ guys -- if you live in a large city it's just something you come across.  Only the weenies can't handle it so I just don't bother with them.  Frankly if you don't engage in any condom free anal sex theoretically there's not even a need to do annual testing -- but of course half of you here think you get teh AIDS from sucking cock so whatever.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Basquo

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2011, 08:31:47 PM »
You can totally have a great relationship with a negative person...I do it every day!

Offline marc11864

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2011, 03:48:32 PM »
but thats the thing that gets to me there will always be a what if.....

Not to be flip but turn that back around then and realize that there is also a "What if not".

I've been in the absolute best relationship of my life and he's negative. We've been together now going on six years. I met him when I was first diagnosed and told him almost immediately afterward.

The real question you need to ask yourself is, do you make each other happy? After that you should collectively decide how you both want to proceed knowing what risks are and aren't there.
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline steps

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Re: Relationship with neg. person
« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2011, 11:12:12 PM »
so i have been diagnosed since april of last year ... stater taking meds in late may...... i have been seeing this guy .... he is negative ... IM AFRAID.  I dont want to be the one responsible for giving him HIV he has gotten tested twice while we have been together both times negative... but im scared, if i ever gave it to him i would never forgive myself.....I think im going to break it off i love him very much, we really dont have sex because i dont want to pass it to him ... we have used protection all the time but just the guilt gets to me every single time.....

I to am hiv positive have been for well over 22 years. i have always been and well always be honest about my hiv.
I have been in a relationship for over 11 years with a negative person. There is far more to a relationship then just sex. Yes sex is nice but when you are postive it is nicer when honesty and safety are both used.

Be honest with whom you are with and in that honesty there is a relationship well worth having.
I am out going with good friends and many a time it would have been very easy to have sex with someone , but i do not and would not, not only because i am with someone, It is becuase  to myself i could not harm another and put someone else though what i must go though and have witnessed in my life time.
Be honest always it makes you a better person and it makes the finding of another like yourself easy to do.
The old saying birds of a feather flock together

 


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