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Author Topic: WHAT AM I DOING??  (Read 7857 times)

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Offline Jena

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  • Posts: 101
  • To God Be The Glory!
WHAT AM I DOING??
« on: June 02, 2006, 08:44:12 PM »
Ok, maybe I'm having another one of my midlife crisis, or maybe I'm crazy, or MAYBE I'm just lucky...
 About 3 months ago I started "talking" to a man I met from Poz Personals. We have talked on the phone everyday and have gotten to know each other very well ( I hope) He seems to be everything a woman could want in a man ( is he too good to be true?) He lives in Brooklyn, I live in Kentucky so we haven't met face to face yet. Hes divorced( whoo whoo NOT a married man! :o ) has  a promising career, is educated, likes kids and dogs, thinks I'm funny, smart and cute  ::) So, whats the problem ? He has asked me several times if he can come here or if he could fly me there so we can meet, I've always made some excuse why not ( I DON"T KNOW WHY) but now hes taken matters into his own hands and informed me yesterday he will be here next week for my birthday. Half of me is totally excited and can't wait for him to get here, the other half is scared to death! WHY?? I'm not a naive young girl, I know the score ( obviously)  Hes even talking about "IF we get along as well in person as we do on the phone" that he  wouldn't be opposed to relocating here.
 Ok , as usual when I need  advice, reassurance, support I come here to the family, and here I am....
AM I being silly? Why is my stomach in a turmoil?  I've been a single mom for 7 years now (and doing it quite well most of the time I might add) but it sure would be nice to have someone next to me again, to talk, share, touch... all that " couple" stuff I thought I'd left behind me for ever.
 My two older daughters are having a tizzy, they think Mom has lost her mind, taking up with some  fool on the internet! He's probably a mass murderer at the very least they say  :o THEY make me feel embarrassed by the way we found each other.
If being positive has taught me anything I guess its the realization  that there are no guarantees in life and  you have to grab your happiness when you can. I want to do that with Joseph, I'm just so scared...
 Please, give me your thoughts...
Trish and John, you two are my inspiration, if I could have what the two of you have found I'd be so happy!

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2006, 08:59:43 PM »
AM I being silly? 

No - not at all

Why is my stomach in a turmoil?   

Tha'ts normal - I hope he's Mr Right  ;)

Offline Iggy

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2006, 09:00:23 PM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 10:03:43 PM by Iggy »

Offline Joe K

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2006, 09:36:49 PM »
Jena,

With all due respect to your daughters, they don't know Jack.  I met Stephen on the Internet and that was six years ago and it's not like you are cruising for sex and asked the guy to just come over for a quickie.  I say you go with your gut and if it feels right, then let it happen.  I would expect that he will have as many "butterflies" in his stomach as you will.  I assume you have swapped photos, so what's not to like?

What makes a relationship special is when two people spend time together, in whatever fashion works for them.  The fact that you found him on the Internet is no different from meeting him at the local pub, the bottom line is you are an adult and being a poz adult, well we know that some things only come around a few times in life.  This might be one of those times and the only investment you have so far is time, so again, what's not to like?

Have a great birthday together and do what makes you happy.  Your daughters only want you to be happy, but they can't understand that certain yearning that haunts us pos folks.  Most people would trade places with you in a heartbeat, but the bottom line remains, how many times do we get a chance to find something meaningful?  Not half as often as we like.  If your gut agrees, if I was you, I wouldn't be missing any chances.

Offline otherplaces

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2006, 09:48:37 PM »
Internet dating is actually pretty common these days. Alot of people I know internet date. Having said that I always felt uncomfortable about it. But damn, HIV+ people have enough dating road blocks. To me it seems absolutely necesssary. So I've tried to meet people on poz.com with no luck. One night I thought, 'I can't find any girls in Chicago. I wonder if there's any in Tokyo because I love Tokyo'. So I typed something like "hiv personals japan" in google and I found one and emailed her. We've become friends. We email each other and talk occaisonally on the phone. I talked to her tonight so I'm in a good mood. Anyway, is it fate? Where's it going? Who knows who cares. I'm happy to follow it out to its conclusion though. I know she's like the only true friend I've had going through such a rough transition in my life. I think we'll always be friends no matter what happens.

OP

Offline AlanBama

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2006, 10:24:03 PM »
Dear Jena,

On behalf of all of us single folks who still have hope in our hearts that someday we might meet the 'right one', I wish you the best of luck!!!

Hugs,

Alan   :-* :-*
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline allanq

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2006, 11:07:43 PM »
Jena,

I think I can understand how nervous you must be at the prospect of meeting your online friend in person. You have such a nice long distance relationship right now, maybe you're afraid of jeopardizing something nice that you already have. Three months of almost daily conversations seems like a good start to getting to know someone, and I hope you'll take the plunge and go through with this meeting.

My nephew has just invited me to his wedding in October. He met his fiancee on the internet. I haven't met her yet (they live in NY and I live in California), but my nephew has never been happier.

By way, I found Iggy's comment intriguing--about being able to tell something about a guy from Brooklyn based on the neighborhood he's from. I'm from Brooklyn and grew up in Bensonhurst (went to Lafayette High School). Dare I ask what that says about me....

Allan
(Formerly oaklandpoz)
Top (Breakfast): Prezista, Norvir, Isentress, Zoloft (2), Glyburide (2), Aspirin
Bottom right (Dinner): Prezista, Norvir, Isentress
Bottom left (Bedtime): Sustiva, Trazodone (2), Lipitor, Septra (no longer taking this)
Center: Alprazolam (Xanax)
Not shown: various vitamins & supplements

Offline Christine

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2006, 03:36:43 PM »
Hi Jena,
Are you being crazy? No. But I do think you should be cautious.  If I were in your place, I would have him stay at a nearby hotel, I would meet for the first few times on neutral ground with friends or family with you, or sitting near you in a restaurant. If he is "the one", he will respect what your wishes are.

You have kids to protect, so make sure he is a good person before bringing him into your home. I am probably over cautious, but I have had my share of bad boyfriends, and would approach things more reserved now, than I did when I was younger.

I have a friend who met someone over the internet, and they are getting married in September.  It can be a wonderful thing, but be safe about it, and at this point in your life, don't settle for anything less than what you deserve and want.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline JohnOso

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2006, 04:04:23 PM »
Wow Jena, such good advice on here from everyone!

I like the "laying the ground rules and sticking with them" option.  If he's "the one" then he should be willing to respect your limits, especially this early in your relationship.

Coffee shops  & restaurants are always good (public) bets for dipping your foot into the water. 

When all is said and done, don't look back with regret over opportunities you didn't grab because of fear.

Offline zephyr

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2006, 04:29:45 PM »
Hi, dear Jena...

About all I can add here is just be the smart, together gal you are, and stay very centered!

I am happy this opportunity has arrived in your life, you deserve all the happiness, darlin'.

Please keep us posted on these unfolding events........and, enjoy yourself, babe.

Love,

Zephyr
"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Offline Lisa

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2006, 05:01:29 PM »
You have already been given all of the advice I would offer.
The nly thing that keeps resounding in my head is :  If it sounds almost too good to be true, it likely is.  Proceed with caution. I think Iggy is right on the money.

PS: allanq, we already know you are a great guy.
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #11 on: June 03, 2006, 05:13:36 PM »
Thanks so much everyone, as usual you have quieted my fears and encouraged me to do what I think is best for me.
Lisa, that is so weird that you would say that about, if it seems too good to be true it probably is because that little saying has been in my head for a while now. Hopefully its just my nerves working on me and not a premonition  :-\
 Christine,  Joseph has already booked a hotel for the 6 nights he will be in town. I didn't ask him too, he just said that was the right thing to do and he did not want to give my teenagers any mixed messages. Plus he said, they will like him better if they can swim in the hotel pool all week   :D WE are going to have lunch alone when I pick him up at the airport on Tuesday and then, depending on how I feel, have a family dinner so my girls ( my surrogate mothers) can get to know him and see that hes a real man and not a demon monster with wings and horns. I actually feel kind of sorry for him because he has to "pass the test"  :o
Anyway, thanks everyone I love you all!

Offline Lisa

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2006, 05:28:50 PM »
Just remember babe, those girls are going to "mother hen" you with absolute zeal.
Kinda like reverse muster....hehehehe ;D
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2006, 06:20:33 PM »
Jena, this sounds very exciting...and scary. Which is pretty much a part of the whole package when you meet someone and chemistry starts to happen.

I was very glad to read about his having booked a hotel. To me that denotes that he has a sense of boundaries. Maybe you will get intimate with each other and maybe not. Use your instinct about what is right for you by your own standards and what isn't. And stick with that.

All you two have to do is get to know each other during this visit. This is how dating happens now sometimes.

Between now and when he visits you will be likely having further phone conversations with him. Tell him how you're feeling. Keep it simple and direct. Hopefully he will be the same.

And then just have a good time during this visit.

You're having....an adventure. And there's no reason you have to rush about anything including who moves where.

Cheers and good wishes,
Andy Velez

Offline anniebc

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2006, 07:31:30 PM »
Dear Jena

I can't add any more, you have been given some wonderful advise....just relax and enjoy this adventure.

All you have to do is look around you, many relationships and friendships have been born over the internet...we are all living proof for that.

Have a wonderful time.

(((hugs)))
Jan :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline kcmetroman

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2006, 11:39:27 AM »
Hey sweetie,

Many insightful comments above me here.  Just remember that nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Offline Moffie65

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2006, 11:58:25 AM »
Jena,

Please remember, you are already a complete and beautiful human being.  You don't "need" anyone to complete you.  This might be a wonderful man, but beware of any hints of requests/demands for change on your part.  Likewise, if there are issues about him that are either too annoying or aggressive, please remember, " A Leopard cannot change his spots".

Have a wonderful date/birthday, and we will expect a full report.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Trish

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2006, 02:25:23 PM »
HI Jena Dear,

I understand your apprehensions and trepidations in going through with this, but I have a feeling this guy is for real, especially since he booked a hotel room.  That tells me that he is sincere and just wants to meet you.  However, I would proceed with some caution.  Please, whatever you do, do not go up to his hotel room alone.  At least not until you get to know him first.  Be sure to be in a public place with him when you meet, like in a restaurant or just somewhere that people are around.  Do not go anywhere secluded.  I tell you this because I have to.  I am not telling you this to deter you in anyway, shape or form.  I just want you to be careful, that's all.  You're a smart lady and I know you will use your head. 

Other than that, I say go for it.  He does sound genuine from what you have written here.  And not all guys from Brooklyn are bad, it's my hometown.  I wonder what part of Brooklyn he is from.  Do you know?  If so, please let me know... I'm curious.

Jena, just have a good time.  Give yourself some credit and do what feels right.  Follow your instincts.  We women, seem to have a knack for instinct -- trusting our instinct is the problem.  Trust yourself Jena... and besides, your kids are going to put him through the ringer you know?

You'll be fine honey.  And what you are feeling is quite normal.  When I came to meet John, I thought to myself, "Am I crazy?  I don't know this guy from a hole in the wall."  I had some doubts, but my heart and instincts told me to go for it and that it was the right thing for me to do.  And look at us now.  3 months... and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with John.

I wish you much luck and if you'd like to talk about this, call me... you do still have my number, right? 

Now, go buy something pretty to wear and treat yourself to a pedicure & manicure.  Get ready to meet that guy...and just have fun honey, be yourself and get to know this guy who could possibly turn out to be "THE ONE." ;D

All my love,

Trish :)
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Joe K

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2006, 02:29:06 PM »
Dear Jena,

I was happy to read about his visit and how he understands that you represent a family and not just someone to date.  Being a parent, I really like his approach and I think it speaks loudly regarding his character.  He's not approaching this as how to get laid, but rather how to start exploring if you can all mesh together as a family.

It sounds like you have the situation well under control, so just enjoy.  The boundaries are there and confirmed by his actions, so again, just enjoy.  Use this time to explore if this is right for you and realize that you have all the time in the world, because true love will always wait.  Always.

Offline heartforyou

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  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2006, 07:42:44 PM »
Jena,

You think with your head right now. Fine with that.

But try to let your female instinct do some talking. You just go for it.

Success

Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Biggums

  • Member
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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2006, 08:01:48 PM »
Jena,

Sounds like you are doing something good for yourself.  I hope it all works out for you.
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline Teresa

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #21 on: June 04, 2006, 08:41:08 PM »
Hi Jena
He sounds like a great guy. Thinking enough of your daughters to book a hotel room without u asking. That right there shows hes a good guy. I hope you have a wonderful time meeting your friend. Just relax and have the time of your life!

Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #22 on: June 04, 2006, 09:22:21 PM »
You guys are so great... what did I ever do before  I became a part of this family? I love each and one of you!  I feel like a teenager again :-[ ONE MORE DAY TILL HES HERE!!!

 Love
 Jena

Offline eirin

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  • Member since March 2005
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2006, 09:11:50 AM »
Dear Jena,

I am so excited for you, hope everything goes well, and that you are going to have a Fabulous Birthday!

Hugs, Eirin

Offline joemutt

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2006, 10:05:38 AM »
Hi Jena, that's great! I'm rooting for ya. And for the poor fellow who has to appear before the jury of your daughters :o

Offline water duck

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #25 on: June 05, 2006, 02:34:12 PM »
Dear Jena,

............maybe I'm crazy...........could be you are posting here !! :D
............or MAYBE I'm just lucky...........yes definitely  8)
............Why is my stomach in a turmoil?.............remember how a 18yrs old virgin feels !!! ;)
So go with that attitude, but with a brain of woman , who happens to mother 2 kids already.
PLEASE SHOW US THERE IS NO AGE TO LOVE AGAIN  :-*
If i remembered well , i played with your by-line once, i shall do it again
TO JENA BE THE GLORY !!!! have fun, promise to give us all the details later  :D

Siang

PS : forgot : HAPPY BIRTHDAY
« Last Edit: June 05, 2006, 02:36:52 PM by water duck »

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #26 on: June 05, 2006, 09:59:29 PM »
Siang
 Hell No I don't remember  what it feels like to be a 18 yr old virgin, Honey I was NEVER a 18 yr old virgin ;D
 as a matter of fact I had two kids when I was 18... oh man, was I ever a BAD girl! :o
Seriously though thanks for your  encouragement and support, I am so nervous I guess maybe this is how a 40 yr old old maid feels like!   ::)
 I promise to let you all know whats going on after we meet tomorrow, but I have to warn you, it will be brief because I HAVE PLANS  for that man! :-[ Yes, Joe, I know.... I promise to be VERY careful and Erin, if I cant be alone in his hotel room theres going to be some shocked guests complaining in the lobby honey! :o
 Ya'll keep me in your prayers or whatever! Oh  MAN! only 15 more hours till hes here! I better calm down or I'll be in the CIU instead of the airport at 1pm tomorrow!
Hugs
Jena

Offline Markmt

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2006, 10:12:34 AM »
Hey Jena sorry I came so late on this thread. I really wish all goes well for you. You deserve nothing less. Thinking of you today and can imagine the excitment :) cant wait to read how it all went.

mark
"Live to love and love to live."

Leo Buscaglia

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2006, 07:57:24 PM »
HES HERE! HES WONDERFUL! I'M HAPPY! MORE LATER! ;D
JENA

Offline JohnOso

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2006, 08:27:43 PM »
Alright Jena, my fingernails are bitten down to bloody stubs.....let's hear some info honey! 

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline Trish

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #30 on: June 07, 2006, 10:58:46 AM »
Hello... Jena, are you there?  We're waiting for details...hurry, hurry please... ;D

Hope it's going well, and I'm assuming that no news is GOOD news. 8)
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline bobik

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #31 on: June 07, 2006, 05:11:21 PM »
Hey Trish, I've got the feeling we'll get that answer in.....how long is Joseph staying.......6 days???
 ;D
Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #32 on: June 07, 2006, 05:22:52 PM »
That's a happy bulletin, Jena. I can just see all of the AIDSMEDS crowd leaning out their windows and passing along, "Jena's having a good time and is too busy to write."

Cool. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Etc.

 
Andy Velez

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #33 on: June 08, 2006, 09:28:17 AM »
Hi Family!
 Joseph is a very nice man, I like him alot and  so do the kids,so far. We have just been getting to know each other better. He still thinks he wants to move here, in fact he has a job interview today and has already opened a bank account here. I think we are going to look for an apartment today. Hes like Trish, he can't wait to get out of Brookyln.  :) 
 Ok, so Joseph is a great guy, so whats the problem? Its me. I'm feeling a bit claustophobic, I'm used to being on my own, doing what I want when I want and how I want, and while I felt I wanted someone to share that with, now that theres someone who wants to do that  I'm freaking. It has nothing to do with him, he has done nothing but be nice and  caring... Fuck!,  you Guys!!! Whats wrong with me??

Trish remember the guy from NJ that  I was ( evidently still am)  so  wrapped about? Joseph isn't him :( I thought he could take his place... he can't... This makes me so mad!!! Why in the hell can't I fall in love with an available guy who is more than willing to love and  be with me instead of being haunted by the memory of what I can't have??? The NJ guy called yesterday while we were out, haven't talked to him in months, to wish me Happy Birthday, I didn't answer, he left long message saying how much he misses me and he loves me, just can't leave the little wifey... SO of course I cried, Joseph was  concerned, kept asking whats wrong.. I lied, said  it wasnt any thing for him to be concerned about... FUCK!!!!!  WHY????????????????

Offline blondbeauty

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #34 on: June 08, 2006, 10:04:26 AM »
I am glad you finally met him. I also met my new boyfriend in the internet. But you arenīt in love. Just like me...but if he can feel your life, make you happy and have fun together...take it! Love is overrated and time and close contact will make you love him in the future.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
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Offline Trish

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #35 on: June 08, 2006, 11:02:16 AM »
Hey Jena,

I'm happy that Joseph turned out to be a nice guy and all...

Now about you and the other guy...

Perhaps you are obsessed with him because he is something that you cannot have.  You know, sometimes we seem to want something so bad that we allow that to cloud over our vision of what really matters.  Seems to me that you are not concentrating on yourself and what you need to do for Jena.  I think maybe you're putting too much effort into finding love, and you won't find it if you don't allow the good things into your life.  Why are you holding back?  Hmmm, good question... maybe you just need to take a step back and look at Jena.  Take care of Jena inside - her emotions, thoughts and how she feels about herself.  I don't think a guy is going to fully give you what  you need. 

We all want to be loved and give love back, but we can't do that unless we are comfortable with ourselves first.  I'm going through something similar myself.  John & I have a great relationship, however, I have some issues within myself that I need to understand first before I can give my all.  I hold back too, I don't want to, but I do.  I'm still learning to love myself, and at the same time love someone else.  And I love John very much, and I am in love with him, but still I hold back simply because of my own issues -- mainly loving myself and finding me.  I'm still doing that and wonder if I ever will find myself.  John & I talked about all these things just last night... we've opened up a line of communication that was blinded by wanting love so very badly.  We've realized that we both need to work on ourselves, and we agreed to do this together, as well as separately in therapy... we respect each other and only want what's best for both us, so we are going to work on it.  Mutual respect and open communication is what makes a loving, trusting relationship, as well as respecting, trusting and loving ourselves.  I'm no expert on love, God knows that, but what I do know is that I need to work on myself.  I know what I have and I intend to hold onto it.

Being HIV-pos and love are a tough mix. It's not easy.  WE all know that.  What do we do about it?  Damned if I know... but my solution is to talk about myself and my feelings and learn who the hell I am.  The only way I can that, is with therapy.  I've got calls to make today to find one who accepts Medicare, not an easy task though.  If I have to, I will pay out of my pocket for it because it matters that much to me.  I want to resolve my issues, my baggage, etc. because if I don't, I'm afraid I'll be alone and doomed forever.  I think you should too.

Jena, sweetheart, you're a lovely, classy, warm, and caring lady... you've got alot of support and love from your family at home as well as here...I'm glad you opened up and came to us with this.  I'm not certain if what I said is correct, I'm in the learning process too, so these are just my observations, thoughts and opinions along with my personal experience.  I wanted to share with you my situation because I feel it's important to relate with one another when we can.  I have no problem sharing my life with you or anyone else.  This is what true friendships and families are about.

Should you want to talk, call me...anytime.

Take care of Jena first, the rest will come in time.  One day at a time, it's all we can do.  Remember, you are worth it honey, and you do deserve to be loved...we all do.  But sometimes we don't really trust in that and this where we fall short.  How do we get past that, hmmm, I'll let you know as soon as I find that answer.  It's all very frustrating at times.  You know?

All my love,

Trish :-*

(call me...if you want to talk.  I'm all ears, and sometimes I do have good advice.)

Just my $2.00 worth... as usual. ;)


Edited to add another .50 cents...

Don't write Joseph off so quickly.  Talk to him, be honest and tell him what's on your mind.  He sounds as though he really cares and wants to help.  Don't throw him away yet.  Why not give him a chance?  Open up to him, I don't think he'll run, and besides, you may find that you can love him... but just don't forget to work on yourself in the meantime. 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2006, 11:06:21 AM by Trish »
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Sdgirl

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #36 on: June 08, 2006, 11:02:29 AM »
Okay, just a little concerned.  Wants to move there?  Opened up a bank account?  Had a job interview?  Looking for an apartment?  Not sure of all of the background behind this relationship but that sounds really fast and really scary!

As long as he is not doing all of this stuff to be with you, then that is fine.  But...........IF he is under the impression that you and he will be together then I would make damn sure he knows EXACTLY how you feel.

Just my two cents...........

Lisa
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline Jena

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #37 on: June 08, 2006, 12:18:04 PM »
Blond beauty,
Thanks for the advice, I just don't think I can "settle" for  not loving him  :'(

Offline JohnOso

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #38 on: June 08, 2006, 02:28:46 PM »
Jena honey, I can empathize with you somewhat since I was in a multi-year relationship with someone who had a partner (I was the "other man").

It's a long, hard road to let go of that desire for "love.'  I had to physically leave Louisville and go out West...that distance was something necessary for me to gain some perspective.  In retrospect, I'm not quite sure that it was "love" that I felt for this guy.  It was a part of me that needed "love," and that part put me on an emotionally-unsatisfying and destructive path.  Because there was no way he was gonna leave his man for me.

When I met my current partner, I viewed him thru that "Filter" of the other man -- there was no way he could measure up to him.  I didn't get that thrill -- those soaring highs when I was around him, but at the same time I didn't get those crashing lows that devastated me.

Basically I was like, "shit, this guy isn't gonna go home after a few hours to someone else...I may have to invest something in this thing here."  And that scared the hell out of me!  I was so used to being beaten down, I didn't know how to react to someone that was totally "available."

Okay, I'm droning on here...like I said in the "Introduce Yourselves..." thread, I could write a book on this "unavailable guy."  I guess the moral of my story is...you've been shell-shocked and pummeled by a bad relationship with the guy in NJ -- don't let it keep you from discovering some other kind of relationship.

HAVING SAID THAT....I'm with Lisa....this guy is probably so excited about finding such a strong, beautiful, capable woman that he's like a lesbian on a second date...the U-Haul is already parked in the driveway (old gay joke, sorry).

You need your space and you have your own life, thank-you-very-much!  Trish (as usual  ;) ) made some excellent points about knowing yourself, LOVING yourself, and coming from a place of emotional strength when entering into a relationship.

It sounds like you already have some red flags going up, and that's a good, protective measure that requires some further investigation.  Stick to those ground rules everyone mentioned earlier.  I'd be careful about helping him to find an apartment.  He's a big boy and can do things on his own.  If you have some hesitancy, listen to those instincts. 

You're the only one who can decide what you're comfortable with (well along with your kids  ;D )....now THAT is coming from a place of strength!

Sorry for the rambling thoughts, but I have a soft spot in my heart for Kentucky gals!

Take care (of yourself, first and foremost),
John

Offline AlanBama

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #39 on: June 09, 2006, 11:05:55 PM »
Jena,

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you, and hope things are going well. 

Keeping you in my prayers.....

Love,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline anniebc

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2006, 06:54:56 AM »
Hi Jena

I can't really add any more to what the others have said, if you are not 100% sure how you feel about Joseph then don't rush into anything right now, just give it a little more time.
Until you empty your head and your heart of all thoughts of this other guy you will always be comparing others to him..that's not fair to you or to any future partners.
I'm glad you got to meet him, but the one thing that concerned me is why is he so desperate to get away from Brooklyn..have you asked him?
Probabaly none of my buisines, but he seems to be rushing into things rather quickly.
Thinking of you and wishing you everything you wish for yourself.

Hugs
Jan :-*
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Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: WHAT AM I DOING??
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2006, 09:42:06 AM »
I'm right there with Jan about not rushing, Jena.

Keep things as clear and open with Joseph as possible. Let him know you like him, you enjoy being with him (if you do) and that he needs to know that if he moves down there it has to be for his own reasons. You are not in a committed relationship and you don't know that will ever happen.

As for his not being the other guy you were crazy about -- well that's neither here nor there.

If you're up for it, spend as much time with Joseph as you want to. It can be challenging to maintain your boundaries, but it's important to do that. And doing that will be helpful to you in sorting out your feelings. Let him know that too.

Beginning a new relationship can be exciting and wonderful. It can also be a pain in the butt, smothering, annoying, intrusive and otherwise less than delicious. It's all a part of the package.   

The good news and the bad news is that you get to write the script on this one, Jena. Oy.

Overall I would just say take your time. Take as much time as you need to find out if this is for you. There's no rush and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

 


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