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Author Topic: like i been on the hell  (Read 7841 times)

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Offline Maelrod

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  • Posts: 60
like i been on the hell
« on: December 10, 2010, 05:58:11 PM »
August 10th, today I feel like I been in the hell.  I know the person who gave me, I know the day'  I don't know if is good or bad to know this... Today was w my Dr. in the beginning my CD4 was on 279 and my vl on 122K   I went on meds soon was possible after 3 weeks on atripla my vl move to 649 copies but my CD4 didn't go up. Today my vl went down to 419 copies and my CD4 went up to 429.
Is sweet and sour I did positive in TB test..my X-ray show is not a TB active ( I'm clean ) but my Dr Say probable was exposed to the bacteria and she put me on meds. I'm hater to take meds but I have to do... I'm taken meds for blood pression it's been 160 over 100++ I'm 27 year old. I'm trying my best but sometimes I feel like a tons of bricks over me...i never been afraid to die just I don't wanna look sick to my family, this is not easy I have a Wonderful Bf who been side to me, he is neg until now, hope He go neg to the end...I have a beautiful puppy who love me 100% I say I can't be living in the past but some days everything coming to my head. I believe myself ... today I'm doing better than 4 months ago.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2010, 10:35:03 PM by Maelrod »
Is better STOp living in the past, the I SHOULDn't doesn't exist.

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Smart ass faggot
Re: like i been on the hell
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2010, 03:01:18 PM »
You'll be OK.  Your viral load has taken a very decent plunge and your CD4 is slowly rebuilding (it takes a while to return to higher ranges, so don't become discouraged if you see it creeping up more slowly than desired).

As far as the latent TB goes, don't stress too much about it.  I was diagnosed with it as well.  The meds are slightly repugnant, but you get used to them (and only need to take them for about 9 months).  Make sure to have your liver functions monitored as the TB meds tend to be a bit rough on the body.

Good luck, and (a late) welcome to the forums.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Posts: 418
  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: like i been on the hell
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2010, 04:38:40 PM »
I'm in shoes very similar to yours buddy.  Its overwhelming, isn't it?  I just turned 29.  This time last year, my biggest concern was an insurmountable load of debt, feelings of professional inadequacy and obnoxious neighbors.  Now, I'm infected with some ridiculous virus which holds the potential to rob me of everything I hold dear.  I'm constantly battling an honest-to goodness nervous breakdown, brought on by one part side effects and one part change in life circumstances.  My health, which I'd never really paid enough attention to, is suddenly a concern.  My doc is very concerned about my triglycerides.  I thought they were a type of sugar  ::).  HDL?  LDL?  WTF?  I'm staring at  a plate of whole-wheat pasta tossed with olive oil and green beans after running around the block while most normal people my age are recovering from a hangover.  I'm posting on AIDSMEDS when I should be tying up a few loose ends at work.  I'm downing gelcaps of squeezed sardines.  I've just now resumed sex with my partner, six months after I tested positive.  I told him it was important that we have sex, because sex reduces your chances of having a stroke.  He told me that he wants me to start sleeping with other men because "at least when you were sleeping around, you weren't so neurotic about everything".  Don't let the jab fool you, in a lot of ways he's risen to the occasion and proven himself a better partner than I ever could have imagined before.  I just wish I didn't have to learn what he was capable of this way.

The scope of the virus is overwhelming.  I can barely keep track of the bills as they fly in from the doctor's office.  I'm lucky to have good insurance and a decent income, but I find myself calling the billing department of my hospital and, more often than not, just paying them whatever they say I owe.  Its usually less than a night at the bars.  I'm a human ATM machine, I pay without thinking because I literally don't have the time to question the charges.  I can't even understand why these assholes insist on nickle-and diming me for such ridiculously small sums of money.  They got my fucking copay, they got a grand from my insurance, do they really need 25 more fucking dollars?       

And then there's the newfound sense of mortality.  For the first time in my life, I realized I could die.  Worse, I could wind up screwed up beyond belief, unable to feed myself and a burden on my partner or mother and stepfather.  Stroke?  Cognitive decline?  If something as "easily avoidable" as HIV has happened, what other horrors does the future have in store for me?  Clearly, luck isn't on my side.  And the worst thing of all?  I haven't even begun to suffer.  I haven't faced a lapse in insurance, or any of the long term consequences that I dread.  Emotional side effects from Sustiva notwithstanding, I actually feel pretty fantastic.  Months of exercise and diet are beginning to show.  Lots of strangers are starting to check me out.  From a distance, everything looks marvelous for me. 

Getting an early positive diagnosis has got to be a lot like being one of those tsunami victims.  You feel the earthquake, you see the ocean recede and you know what's going to happen.  You can stampede to higher ground, you can grab onto a tree at sea level and close your eyes, or you can sit in the sand of the beach and marvel at the sheer fragility of life.  Either way, the wave is gonna hit.  Your curse is live in dread of this.

Months ago, I was sitting there, gripping a tree at a few blocks from the beach.  Blubbering in my car actually.   It was my lunchbreak, and I couldn't shake myself of the thoughts of all the things I was going to miss.  The tears wouldn't have been more profuse if I'd squirted myself with Visine.  "I JUST WANT TO LIVE" I sobbed to the scented cardboard pine tree that keeps my jalopy smelling like "Black Ice".  Suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a booming voice:  Then start acting like it!.  No lie, the first thought in my mind was "Is that correct grammar?"  Maybe it was God assuming the vernacular, or my subconscious fighting back against despair.  Maybe the pine tree was sick of watching me cry.  I've always had an embarassing predisposition towards animism.  No matter what, I realized...then and there...that the best thing I could do was fight it.  Fight it ALL.  Fight the depression.  Fight the stigma.  Fight the fucking virus with the meds available to me, and then fight the side effects when they popped up.  Fight like hell.  Run up to the top of the tallest fucking hill I could reach, and then and ONLY THEN grab onto the sturdiest tree I could find and hold on so tightly that my fingernails would remain embedded in it long after my body had left.  On the hill, I MIGHT drown, but if I stayed at sea level, I WOULD drown.

You're doing what you need to do.  Keep working at it, because if you don't...then, and only then, will you ensure your own failure.  Don't let the setbacks make you feel hopeless.  Some days will be more productive than others, but make no mistake, you still have a hand in your own future.  Its only when you give up that YOU, and not the virus, and not the side effects, ensure your own end. 

Keep running for the hills buddy. 
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline buginme2

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  • Posts: 3,426
Re: like i been on the hell
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2010, 09:49:42 PM »
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline Danny47

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: like i been on the hell
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2010, 02:25:18 AM »
Make it be a blessing
on: Today at 02:12:17 AM

I truly understand you.  One thing that is totally on your favor is that you have someone who is by your side.  Your numbers are reacting.  For some reason when I started on Atripla, my VL did react fast but my CD was (and STIll is) always on the low end.  But my Doctors all stay calm as long as my percentages stay within range.  Also I have gone through two cancer diagnosis (and totally unrelated to my HIV)  and related chemotherapy and radiation, all conditions and treatment within a year of my HIV diagnosis.  So my Doctors now are just preoccupied with my VL, and eventually, when my bone marrow recuperates, they will see how my CD4 react.  But even during my lowest numbers I have not gotten any Opportunistic diseases and that is a good thing...My advice is to follow the inspiring words from WTFIMPOZ, I didn't even know that at age 29 someone could be so perfectly articulate.

From a spiritual standpoint, I see people like WTFIMPOZ and I wonder if we are truly the unlucky ones.  I have done such a beautiful journey of growth since diagnosed, that to this day I sometimes feel gifted for what I have gone Through.  Don't get me wrong, there are nights were I look at my Atripla and say....F....! I am HIV! and almost feel like I am talking about somebody else.  But this condition has made me sit in the same room with really ill people, it has given me a much broader understanding on  how lucky and beautiful my life truly is.  It makes me wake up each morning and feel better than I have ever felt before.  It places a greater understanding on how fragile we are and how to value the things that we use to ignore prior to be diagnosed. Secretly it will give you wisdom, knowledge, growth, it makes us humble beyond comprehension and it makes us wiser.  

I now spend my hours reading about health, taking more time to spend with my loved ones,  I fight less, understand more, appreciate better, enjoy spooning more than having wild passionate sex and appreciate those who love me even more.  I discovered who my friends are and I have found a great deal of support from total strangers.  I learned not to hate being in a traffic jam, and for some odd reason, I have sympathy for people who are ill driven and rude in my life.  I enjoy working out, bought myself a bike (which I had not done in over 20 years) and enjoy long coffee breaks which I didn't have before.

Doesn't that sound like something favorable? I also learned to admire the strength on people like you and turn off so many others that have learned to endured hardships at such young age.  My best advice is to be healthy, stay well, enjoy life and visualize a long healthy road ahead of you.    

@wtfimpoz, Your attitude is exceptional and your verbiage is admirable.  Write a book, have a son and plant a tree...those were Jose Marti's words to describe a MAN.  He was a very famous Cuban "prophet" and the meaning of book to me is comparable to writing a  beautiful word that can move or inspire others.  I really hope that you acknowledge my words and go ahead a plant a tree, one that you can see in 20 years as a beautiful by product of your action and plan to have a child, if your partner agrees start planning on it, it would be your beautiful legacy...Any child will be very proud to call you Dad one day...

be well,

Negative on Feb. 3, 2008, Positive Elyssa Feb. 3, 2009
Feb. 11, 09 cd4 120, VL 267,000
Feb. 17, 09 Prophylaxis SMZ and Azytromicin
March 2, 09 Atripla and prophylaxis
May 09, VL UD, CD4 515
July 09, Lymphoma. Started Chemo every week, 13 weeks
September 09, VL UD, CD4 310
December 09, VL UD, CD4 414
January 10, UC flare, Lymphoma, Colon Cancer
Chemotherapy treatment & Radiation
July 2010, VL UD, CD4 234
August 2010, Cancer Free
Nov 2010, VL UD, CD4 204, Brain CT, Liver, Lungs, Kidney, Colon ans Lymph nodes Cancer Free!

Offline Maelrod

  • Member
  • Posts: 60
Re: like i been on the hell
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2010, 10:22:27 AM »
Thanks all of you guys to saysomething and take the time to read. I say  the life is nasty but is beautiful too
Is better STOp living in the past, the I SHOULDn't doesn't exist.


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