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Author Topic: When does this mentaly get easier??  (Read 2412 times)

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Offline PozJeepGuy

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  • Posts: 249
  • Facebook - Jacob Perry
When does this mentaly get easier??
« on: December 08, 2010, 12:02:14 AM »
its going on 5 month es now since all this began.  I feel as tho my mental status is getting worse.  There are moments I'm dying to talk and then there is other side that just wants to be alone.  I'm noticing that people around care but are too uncomfortable to want to talk about it.  I have been attending a group and doing the one on one thing, but in the last week I have cancelled both.  With the group I just keep hearing what people have gone threw and the sadness they have.  The one on one just not feeling that connection to really feel like I can talk openly.  I feel isolation slowly sneaking in and I have even found myself being pretty nasty with some people around me to just push everyone away.  I know that HIV isn't a death sentence. That's not what this depression is about.  With that said I don't know what this depression is about.  I just want to sleep. i keep hearing people tell me ohh this is normal and it will pass and things will be OK.  I am not the kind of person that would hurt myself in anyway, but I find myself thinking morbid thoughts like what letters would I write to those I love in case of my passing.  I can't find the happiness of day to day anymore.  I so miss being happy. I know theres no question here just needed to try to get this off my chest. 
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2010, 12:12:33 AM »
Its a good thing you are able to be here and share what you are feeling , I know when I'm feeling down its just nice to know some one cares and is there to listen .

Sometime life is just damn tough and unfair ... I wish I could say the right thing to make it right for you but this is all I got buddy . Hang in there and let us know how you are coping .

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2010, 12:16:15 AM »
There is a great book that many have recommended, called "The First Year: HIV: An Essential Guide for the Newly Diagnosed" By Brett Grodeck.

It is recently updated, and a great tool. And you can read it, put it down, go back, etc at your own pace. If nothing else, it's something to do.

It is on Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/First-Year-Essential-Guide-Diagnosed/dp/1600940137/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline wtfimpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 418
  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2010, 01:31:32 AM »
A word about support groups:  By definition, they're going to attract people who are in need of support.  They're going to attract people who've experienced the worst of the consequences of something, and people who are going through the bad times rather than the good.  If there were support group for ingrown toenails, you can bet that it would make them look like the end of the world.  This isn't to say that HIV isn't a major issue, but that the type of people who attend a support group may amplify your perception of the magnitude of tragedy.  Nobody ever starts going to an HIV support group because they've got their viral load under control, their cocktail is without side effects, they're feeling great and they're getting married. None of this is to say that HIV is something to be taken lightly, but understand that support groups may present a skewed vision of reality.  If you find that your support group just brings you down, then by all means, try another group, or stop going altogether.

Now, onto the bulk of your issue.  I, too, sometimes wonder when it'll finally get better.  What sets HIV apart from most other diseases of our time is that it doesn't just hurt you and force you to confront your own mortality before you're ready, but it strips you of the normal social support which you could typically rely upon.  Regardless of where you are on your HIV journey, its going to be harder to get to your destination than it would be for, say, herpes or lung cancer, because you're carrying the burden all by yourself.  The best recommendation I can provide is that rather than focus on where you think you should be, or how bad you feel, examine your thoughts and feelings.  Seek out those which are negative or counterproductive, and critically examine those with the attempt to rectify them.  Those which you can't rectify, you must learn to accept.  This is where your therapist should come in, helping you come to terms with the really hard emotions you're facing.  You've indicated some pretty severe depression in your post.  It might be logical to use the services of a psychiatrist.  Antidepressants might help lift the burden of your troubles from your shoulders while you construct an emotional framework to hold them.  Human nature is such that we go back and forth, but inevitably make progress.  Your goal should be that you orient yourself in a direction that your progress is positive.  The "better" will come in its own time. 
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline 40something

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2010, 01:31:16 PM »
I'm sorry that your having a tough time, I came out of my slump pretty quick,  and Im not sure really why.  All I can tell you is I took a step back and really assessed what has changed in my life,  and then kept reminding myself.  It didn't take long,  I still think about it,  but not obsessively,  and it doesn't result in depression.  your right its not a death sentence,  and honestly,  for a lot of us  its just a pill or two a day,  I already do that with vitamins,and claritin.  Side effects are not what they used to be,  and as far as social aspects,  only tell those who need to know,  and who you need to know.  Your going to get rejected because of it,  but hell I was already used to being rejected for one thing or another  ( I live in Dallas  duh!) 

Just keep telling yourself you will be OK,  and sooner or later you will start to believe yourself,  cause its true. HIV is a stigma,  and the first person that needs to get over it is yourself.  Base your feelings on the facts.  ;)

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2010, 07:34:50 PM »
    I'm sorry about your diagnosis but I'm glad you found this website.  It would probably be a good idea to contact a counselor or therapist. There's nothing to feel shameful about needing to talk to someone about what you are going through.

Hang in there

Offline AuroraCOGuy

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2010, 01:56:22 AM »
My experience has been a roller coaster. I literally "hid under the covers" for almost 3 months after my diagnosis. Then for about a month I was on the upswing and then in the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been through more self destructive behavior than the rest of my life combined.

It does get easier but it's a ton of emotions and a lot to process. I second the one-on-one counselor or head shrink thing (believe me, I was ultra resistant but glad I went). However, depending on your situation, the whole group thing has me turned off. I've been to two different groups and I was a freakin' outcast and found them to be hostile.

Family and real friends are the best support you can have at the end of the day though, assuming they are sincere and will be there for you. It's tough coming out sometimes but, at least in my case, it's all paid off.
Infected 04-17-2010
Diagnosed 07-05-2010

07/2010 - CD4 741, 40%   VL ~4500 (initial labs)
08/2010 - CD4 751, 41%   VL ~3000 (one month after initial labs)
09/2010 - CD4 732, 40%   VL ~2000
10/2010 - CD4 738, 40%   VL < 1000
11/2010 - CD4 761, 41%   VL 430
12/2010 - CD4 758, 41%   VL 194
01/2011 - CD4 745, 40%   VL 103
02/2011 - CD4 782, 41%   VL 77
03/2011 - CD4 763, 41%   VL < 50 / UD
04/2011 - CD4 758, 41%,  VL < 50 / UD
05/2011 - CD4 761, 41%   VL < 50 / UD
09/2011 - still UD, still strong
06/2013 - still UD, never a blip

Never taken any therapy/meds

Offline zorro62

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2010, 12:35:03 AM »
Took me a year man...finally found the right meds and a good therapist. Pristiq is what worked for me...tried Paxil, lexapro, Xanax and none helped...Pristiq has been magic
Also found a therapist that specialized in OCD...she treated me for those symptoms...and taught me how to live with uncertainty
For the last 4 months, I actaully feel better than I ever did before getting infected...have been dating and really enjoyn life
I truly believe I could not have done it without the help of meds (and prior to infection I had never been treated for depression/PTSD...all I had taken was Advil for hangovers)
Hang in there man n go see a pyschiatrist
Jan09 - tested neg
Apr 2nd 09 - tested poz
Apr 09: CD4:1178  %45   vl=350
Jul 09:  CD4:1380  %42   vl=2,900
Aug 09: CD4:987  %43  vl=2,350
Nov 09: CD4:1440 %48  vl=650
Mar 10: CD4:1030 %43  vl=880
Jun 10: CD4:565 %42 vl=3300
Sep 10: CD4:1030 %49 vl=8k
Dec 10: CD4:1059 %44 vl=38k
Mar 11: CD4:1130 %53 vl=17k
Apr 11: Started on GSK blind HIV Therapeutic Vaccine Trial
Jul 11: CD4: 908 %44 vl=29k
Oct 11: CD4: 787  %44 vl=13k
Dec 11: CD4: 1013 %41 vl=14k
Mar 12: CD4: 1003 %44 vl=17k
Jun 12: CD4: 897 %43 vl=7k
Nov 12: CD4: 800 %38 vl=12k
May 13: CD4:780 %31 vl=44k
Nov 13: CD4: 620 %31 vl=12k
Feb 14: CD4: 615 %29 vl=29k
Feb 14 (GSK trial stopped; placebo and med recipients react the same)

Offline PozJeepGuy

  • Member
  • Posts: 249
  • Facebook - Jacob Perry
Re: When does this mentaly get easier??
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2010, 03:54:24 AM »
Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement.  Lately I have made the decision to isolate.  I have to admit I feel better.  I know in the long run this isn't the answer but for now its working.  I'm tried of going to therapy, tired of hearing how I have to come to terms with all this, and most of all just tired.  My energy level seems to be close to zero lately.  I keep telling myself this is depression and it will pass and so far its working.  It just seems I have emotionally gone numb.  I am the kind of person that usually can self reflect and work threw what ever needs to be worked out in my head.  The weird part is I cant really find whats wrong.  I just don't feel like my self.  I know my melds differently make a difference.  Before I started I had a lot of people tell me don't start until you have too. It never made sense to me why.  Now I get it.  I was the kind of person that just threw caution to the wind and just live life moment to moment. Now I have to stop everyday and eat and a certain time, take melds at a certain time, and feel crappy for a certain time after taking this crap.  I don't regret starting because in my mind keeping this at bay for as long as possible makes sense and already a month into melds I have gone undetectable.  I guess the reality of all this is starting to really set in.  I can't cry anymore, its just too draining.  I look in the mirror and just don't recognize myself for the first time in my life and its just ...... I can't put into words.  I miss feeling happy and just seeing the beauty in life.  For now its just go threw the motions do what I have to do and I pray that someting comes along to bring back that enjoyment of life.  It helps to know others get this and once again thanks for sharing. 
Jacob Perry

I refuse to wear my HIV as a badge of shame any longer.

 


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