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Author Topic: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked  (Read 5391 times)

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Offline trickoflite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« on: December 06, 2010, 08:30:43 AM »
Overwhelmed and anxious.  Doesn't feel real.  I've never been so terrified, even tho the intellectual part of me knows not to panic...  I'm not ready to share this with anyone in my family.  But mostly i'm po'd with myself and nobody else. 

Offline Hoover

  • Member
  • Posts: 286
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2010, 11:02:47 AM »
I am sorry for your test result!
It will seem overwhelming for a few days, but soon you will come to terms.
Yes we all get pisses off for being stupid when we all should know better.

I remember my first day which was not fun. Thankfully I have a supportive partner who helped me.
Find emotional support, it can came a world of difference.

Sincerely,
Hoover
Infection date: March 16, 2010
20/05/10 - CD4 348  VL 58,000  Lymph nodes in jaw painful!  Antioxidants started.
01/06/10 - CD4 428  VL?
24/06/10 - CD4 578  VL 9,800
13/07/10 - CD4 620  VL?
04/09/10 - CD4 648  VL?
01/11/10 - CD4 710  VL?   CD8 972
16/12/10    CD4 738  VL?  CD8  896   
02/02/11    CD4 520 (month of parasites and new lab)
14/03/11 started Truvida and Sustiva (Efavirenz)
04/07/11 CD4 686 VL 75 CD8 588  41%
10/10/11 CD4 757  45%  VL UD

Offline Maelrod

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  • Posts: 60
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2010, 11:50:12 AM »
Hi tickoflite.  Is sad to hear what's going on, 4 months ago happen to me. I found out my status poz, like you I decided don't say anything to my family.  Only 3 person know my cituation I can tell you after 4 months I'm doing well   I had good and bad days like everyone so I think the life is nasty but is beautiful too.  What you think? The better thing I can say today is don't waste your time living in the past. Since you found your poz status is a new life. Won't be easy but is your life. I belive you can do well. Just give to yourself time. 
Is better STOp living in the past, the I SHOULDn't doesn't exist.

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2010, 11:55:00 AM »
Overwhelmed and anxious.  Doesn't feel real.  I've never been so terrified, even tho the intellectual part of me knows not to panic...  I'm not ready to share this with anyone in my family.  But mostly i'm po'd with myself and nobody else. 

It takes some time to accept this for yourself much less to share it with anyone else if you ever feel that is really necessary at all.  It's not the end of your life it's just an adjustment to how you live it.  We've all been through this exact same feeling so hopefully we can help you to accept this and move on.  We all cheer very loudly for the people that come on here and need it most.  If you need anything feel free to ask me either on this forum or in PM.

Offline buginme2

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  • Posts: 3,285
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2010, 12:24:36 PM »
Hey, Totally understand.  Testeed myself the end of October.  The shame part it huge.  At least it was for me. 
It will get better
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2010, 01:17:39 PM »
I can totally understand the pissed off emotion.  But don't beat yourself up too much, we all make mistakes and continuing to beat yourself up about it isn't fair to you.  I kept my status to myself for almost 6 months.  I wanted to figure out things, visit my dr to get my numbers and stuff like that.  After 4 1/2 years I have some friends and family from pre-HIV that know i am positive and lots of people I have met through HIV social groups and AIDS Life Cycle since testing HIV+.  As time goes by you'll figure out when you are ready to disclose.  There are a lot of great threads and posts on the forums dealing with disclosure.

Finally I just want to give you a piece of advice that my doctor gave me during our first visit that I found worthwhile.  He said don't go on AIDS overload.  There is so much info available via the internet that it is easy to become overwhelmed, he said find a couple of good reliable sites and concentrate your efforts there.  And it looks to me as if you have already found one site.  Best of luck.
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline trickoflite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2010, 06:12:02 PM »
Thanks to everyone for responding.  I thought I was mentally prepared to face Mon but the realization fell on my like a ton of bricks on my way to have bloodwork to determine my viral load.  I'll know that much on Thur afternoon.  I keep replaying everything leading up to the news Sat.  Was around family most of Sun and stuffed it deep inside and altho I didn't forget, it just wasn't my primary focus.  But today was hard. 

Offline woodshere

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  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2010, 09:01:35 PM »
Thanks to everyone for responding.  I thought I was mentally prepared to face Mon but the realization fell on my like a ton of bricks on my way to have bloodwork to determine my viral load.  I'll know that much on Thur afternoon.  I keep replaying everything leading up to the news Sat.  Was around family most of Sun and stuffed it deep inside and altho I didn't forget, it just wasn't my primary focus.  But today was hard. 

Perfectly normal.  I used to be a nervous wreck everytime I went for results, but over time it does get easier.  Hang in there!
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline hellrider

  • Member
  • Posts: 55
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2010, 10:34:43 PM »
Lite

I tested poz not too long ago myself I tried pushing my wife away and my family, coming to terms with this bug was easy I guess but the other issues that come with it is harder, I have already faced my parents and some managers at work, and my closest friends. I think it will get easier as time goes on, these ladies and gentlemen here I think will help us along.
Life's a hell of a ride and I still have some ridin to do.

12/8/2010 CD4 693   VL 192,000

Offline 40something

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2010, 02:46:45 PM »
I just tested poz in late Oct,  it does get easier,  just make sure you have a good doctor that you can talk to and trust.  This is a great site, with a lot of good people,  and SOME good advice.  Woodshere is totally on with info overload,  its hard to determine sometimes what is accurate, up to date,  and such,  a lot of info on the internet is old,  or is the worst case scenario,  dont panic.  Just have a good talk with you doc,  and keep your spirits up.   one last word of caution,  most of the folks here are good peeps,  but some seem to be a little jaded and bitter,  don't let those folks get ya down your going to be OK.

Offline bradjock

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2010, 02:14:08 PM »

The shame/embarassment/self-anger factor is f-ing huge.  when people find out my status I sometimes feel like I've lost sexual privacy, like I'm wearing a sign that says "irresponsible" (and if its another gay dude, "party boy loadtaker").   

Offline buginme2

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  • Posts: 3,285
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2010, 05:06:19 PM »
Re:bradjock



Word
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Smart ass faggot
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2010, 03:09:20 PM »
The shame/embarassment/self-anger factor is f-ing huge.  when people find out my status I sometimes feel like I've lost sexual privacy, like I'm wearing a sign that says "irresponsible" (and if its another gay dude, "party boy loadtaker").   

Sounds to me like you're projecting how you feel about yourself upon other people.  Isn't there a chance that they might be thinking "wow, he's brave for sharing something like that with me," or "I seriously hope that he is OK", or "he is kinda cute, as long as we do everything with safety I'm still willing to give us a chance"?  Not everyone in the world is a judgmental bitter queen.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline bradjock

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2010, 02:55:50 AM »

It may be that some people aren't judgmental, and may have those nice thoughts that you mention, but I know how I wound up in this situation (pnp, group/anon play etc.) and its more than a little embarrassing to know that other guys know that too. 

Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #14 on: December 14, 2010, 10:24:15 AM »
It may be that some people aren't judgmental, and may have those nice thoughts that you mention, but I know how I wound up in this situation (pnp, group/anon play etc.) and its more than a little embarrassing to know that other guys know that too.  

And how do you know they haven't done some of the same things?  You cannot control what other people think about you, so why worry.  Concentrate on the important things!!
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline trickoflite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2010, 08:13:51 PM »
Thanks to everyone for responding.  I thought I was mentally prepared to face Mon but the realization fell on my like a ton of bricks on my way to have bloodwork to determine my viral load.  I'll know that much on Thur afternoon.  I keep replaying everything leading up to the news Sat.  Was around family most of Sun and stuffed it deep inside and altho I didn't forget, it just wasn't my primary focus.  But today was hard. 

On Tue Dec 14 I received first results from confirmation bloodtest.  I was very disappointed by my absolute number of helper T cells:  179.  Viral load count wasn't available til later in week, and it was somewhat better than we expected considering the huge effects on my immune system already:  25,890. 

The 2 1/2 weeks since my positive test on Sat Dec 4 have been unlike anything I've experienced.  Impossible to describe.  I'm fighting my natural tendency to withdraw from family and friends.  Still haven't told anyone besides my ex who infected me. 

Offline tony65

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2010, 11:54:31 AM »
i was told about 5 months ago what shock , life goes on bill have to be paid and yes you will be walking around with the tears at the threshold of your eyes wondering what day of the week it is , i was and still am but it is getting easier day by day , your not gonna die , you will still have a life and yes you will still have friends , i have told 2 of my life long friend and they are both female they tend to be more open to this illness , it took me 3 months bore i made my mind up who to tell , my family will never no , i cannot put them threw it
but hey there are loads of people just like us living long times and fruitfull lives so don't lose hope and don't as every one has thought about end it , this is only the beginning
you need to talk get on here get a phone number call someone find a support group find a friend and most of all have a laft at life

tony :)

Offline zach

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  • Posts: 1,905
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #17 on: December 25, 2010, 10:13:24 AM »
Overwhelmed and anxious.  Doesn't feel real.  I've never been so terrified, even tho the intellectual part of me knows not to panic...  I'm not ready to share this with anyone in my family.  But mostly i'm po'd with myself and nobody else. 

Deeply sorry for your diagnosis trick, it's one hell of an adustment, but as everyone here are saying, Life goes on. It's great you found this forum so quickly. From my experience, there will be days when you need this place, and there are plenty of supportive people here. Feel welcomed.

I personally overloaded with learning and educating myself to the point it overshadowed everything else I think about in a day.

At the risk of sounding evangelical, this book has been an incredible resource for me. I wish I had read it the day I was diagnosed.

http://www.amazon.com/First-Year-Essential-Guide-Diagnosed/dp/B0027VSZV6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293289883&sr=8-1

Offline lforsyth

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  • Posts: 245
  • Instaurator Ruinae
Re: Poz test 12/4 & Shellshocked
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2010, 12:47:05 AM »
In 1986 we read about HIV and all of us assumed we had the virus. We didn't blame anyone, just ourselves. Learn to live for yourself and be there for others.

God loves you and we all do also.Please come to the next gathering! Please!
« Last Edit: December 27, 2010, 12:51:01 AM by lforsyth »
Tested POZ in 1986, knew there was something wrong in 1985. 04/2010 CD4: 975 Viral Load undetectable. Prezista, Norvir, Truvada, Acyclovir, Plavix, Lisinopril, Metoprolol and a bedtime snack of Lipitor (YUM)

 


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