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Author Topic: Living with parasite  (Read 1493 times)

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Offline nick2046

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
Living with parasite
« on: September 05, 2006, 09:14:24 AM »
Mr.Toxoplasma Gondii the parasite found my brain a perfect location to raise a family but i hope he has moved to a parasite heaven now.  He left some nasty scarings behind which disabled me in a bad way; he made me lost my speech too.  I speak to myself in my mind mostly these days.

I'm wondering if anyone has a similar experience here & if he lives a,'normal life' ever after.  So many times i think so -vely that i almost decide to make a final exit; but i'm a coward & I think the weirdest things... like i'd get a dead man erection & shitting myself... or i'd get the carpet messy & it'd cost a fortune to change the carpet...

So far i've only tried twice in the last 2 decades, & that was even before Living with the 'virus'.  It seems i could live with the virus, the parasite, but i just can't live with myself!  Which maybe a problem.

Sigh.  I'm just moaning, nevermind me.  @ least my stupid bf says he still loves me; though i don't see why he could love someoone who is disable
in all ways: both physically & mentally.

This picture has made an impact in my shattered world, it's shocking to me.  Even Superman couldn't fight it & died.  He has gone through a lot & set an example to kids (& adults) world-wide, but sometimes you just can't win. 

« Last Edit: September 05, 2006, 09:53:02 AM by nick2046 »
And so it has been, and so it is written
    On the doorway to paradise
    That those who falter and those who fall
    Must pay the price

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2006, 09:33:59 AM »
Hi Nick,
I am sorry you have had to go through all of that. I don't have any specific experiences with dealing with it, but I did want to send my good thoughts out to you. Your boyfriend loves you for your heart and soul, not your ability to speak.

Perhaps going to a therapist might help. I know speaking is very difficult for you, but you could write down how you feel. It could help to just have someone to vent your frustrations to.

I have suffered from depression, since before I was diagnosed +, and I have contemplated suicide mainly from depression issues. I found going to a therapist has helped immensely, and anti-depressants have helped also.

You have value as a person, there are people who love you, and want the best for you. Please post here when things are rough for you. We understand how hard it can be sometimes.

Big hugs and smiles going out to you!
Christine  :D
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline ndrew

  • Member
  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2006, 09:53:35 AM »
Nick,

Thank you for sharing these things with us.  I do not share your experience, but I hear your pain and struggle and I am very sorry for all of these things.  What is a "normal life" for someone who is gay, HIV positive or differently abled?  I would not wish a "normal life" on you anyway, but for you, I send love and support.  You face a lot of challenges, I do not know, but I hope you find your strength inside and reach for our hands out here!

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

With love and admiration,
Andrew

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2006, 12:26:50 PM »
I have toxoplasmosis. Or at least that is what my medical report says:
I am HIV-1 +
Toxoplasmosis +
CMV +
Epstein Bar +
 >:(
But I keep eating raw cured ham. One of the main sources of toxoplasmosis.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline cmhjeff

  • Member
  • Posts: 870
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2006, 03:03:41 PM »
Hi Nick, I'm sorry to hear about all you've gone through. I can't say I completely understand because I don't have Toxo but I do have PML. about 75% of the time I can talk and I can walk again slow and with a cane. I have minimal use of my left arm and hand and I have no peripheral vision on my left side. Like you, I am lucky to have had my BF through it all. He dresses me, cooks for me, helps me shave and is my own private taxi cab driver. It was hard at first to understand why he stayed with me but he reminds me constantly that when we exchanged ring almost 10 years ago it was for "In Sickness and in Health. I also understand your feeling of wanting to give up. I've written my own obituary and even a suicide letter a little over a year ago and by gosh, here I sit today. My priorities may not be the same these days but I take it one day at a time and never give up! I Cherish my BF, friend and family. Take full advantage of the incredible family right here in the forums.

Take care

Hugs
Jeff

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,213
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2006, 08:31:52 PM »
Hello Nick,

I am also sorry for all you are going through,I wish I had some answers for you, but you are obviously one very tough individual, and you are a survivor !! You've found a place here Nick , to let us know your concerns, so don't ever feel that you are "moaning"  We all understand in one way or another, and in differant degrees, the physical and emotional pain of living with this virus.

 I believe we are all here on this planet for a reason. I am certainly no rocket scientist, and I am also not the sharpest knife in the drawer at times, But helping and having others understand what we are going through, seems to have a purpose. As Christine mentioned , purhaps seeing someone, can help you through the difficult times, but until then, you can always speak your mind here !!

As you can tell, I also am really not a writer !!!! I also do a lot of talking in my head at times !!



Take care of yourself, and hang in there friend-------Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2006, 09:26:03 PM »
Nick

The air we breath, the sun that rises - a warm embrace -   love and affection.  Are these not enough to fill our single day?  Sometimes, we need to think about things in different perspectives.  No matter our condition.  If pain and remorse are at every corner we turn,  stop turning.  I know the  worst days are spent by myself in solitude (in my mind).  I don't go there much anymore. 

Nick, I love you and try and find a space that's of comfort..


Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2006, 05:17:58 AM »
I must correct my previous post about Toxoplasma. I tested positive for toxoplasmosis but I am asymptomatic and hope to remain that way.
I am sorry for the difficult time you are having and wish you the best.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2006, 11:03:33 PM »
Hello Nick,

It is a good thing that your lover is right there by your side. things can only get better, with time. Love heals all wounds.


Have the BEST Day!

Offline poobear

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Living with parasite
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2006, 12:17:31 AM »
NIck,
  I am sorry you are going thru a tough time right now.  Although I can not relate to the toxoplasmosis, I can relate to the depression you are feeling.  Along with being +, in a same sex relationship and dealing with disabling chronic daily headaches, I also have contemplated why I am here in misery.  But somehow I make it thru another day.  I would hold on to your boyfreind and accept that he Loves you, because if he didn't, he would not be in your life right now.  Also know that we Love you here.  I see you and you give me inspiration.  You never know who you may touch and give inspiration to.  I wish for you better days to come, and like all the rest said just come and vent and know we are all here for eachother.
                                                                         Great Big Hugs to you,   Rachel

 


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