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Author Topic: Joke  (Read 1318 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Granny60

  • Guest
Joke
« on: November 17, 2010, 11:53:16 AM »
 At one time there was a joke thread here and anyone who started a new thread got raked over the coals by the goderators. I have looked through six pages and not found the old thread so I guess I can expect to be trashed for starting a new thread. ::)

                                An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her


                                He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
                                The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.


                                So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!


                                So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


                                IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

                                THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


                                SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

                                COME ON GUESS!

                                *

                                SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND She's older...... NOT BLOODY  DEAD!!!!!


                                OLD LADIES ROCK

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Joke
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2010, 01:30:41 PM »
At one time there was a joke thread here and anyone who started a new thread got raked over the coals by the goderators. I have looked through six pages and not found the old thread so I guess I can expect to be trashed for starting a new thread. ::)

Sorry to burst your persecution complex, but the only time people complain about someone starting new threads for things like jokes or videos is when they start quite a few over the course of a day or two because it pushes other threads off the first page. And we moderators don't waste our time looking for things to "rake people over the coals" for, our actions are usually in response to moderator reports. ::)

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Granny60

  • Guest
Re: Joke
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2010, 11:33:40 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?


                      SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

                      BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

                      JOHN MC CAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

                      HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

                      GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

                      DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

                      COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

                      BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

                      AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

                      JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

                      AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

                      DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

                      OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

                      ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

                      NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

                      PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

                      MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

                      DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

                      ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

                      JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

                      GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

                      BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

                      ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

                      JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

                      BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

                      ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

                      COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

Granny60

  • Guest
Re: Joke
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2010, 11:34:43 AM »
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES


He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:



SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading :

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

*
**He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the
door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him.*

*
**
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign :** *


*GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS. **

**SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER**

Offline ElZorro

  • Member
  • Posts: 535
Re: Joke
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2010, 12:34:36 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?
                      COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

LMAO!  :D

Offline BM

  • Member
  • Posts: 340
Re: Joke
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2010, 07:26:07 AM »
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I couldn't tell you how they got in there.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: Joke
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2010, 11:55:19 PM »
At one time there was a joke thread here and anyone who started a new thread got raked over the coals by the goderators. I have looked through six pages and not found the old thread so I guess I can expect to be trashed for starting a new thread. ::)

                                An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her


                                He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
                                The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.


                                So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!


                                So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


                                IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

                                THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


                                SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

                                COME ON GUESS!

                                *

                                SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND She's older...... NOT BLOODY  DEAD!!!!!


                                OLD LADIES ROCK


yeah they do!
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sept07 - tested poz
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feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
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jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline ElZorro

  • Member
  • Posts: 535
Re: Joke
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2010, 08:46:17 PM »
Dear God (from the dogs)

Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

   1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
   2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
   3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
   4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
   5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
   6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
   7.  Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
   8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
   9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
   10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
   11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
   12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Granny60

  • Guest
Re: Joke
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2010, 12:24:14 PM »
so a lady's husband dies, and a few years later, she decides its time to start dating again. even though she loved her deceased husband, he was slightly abusive and hit her a few times, and would always run out on her when times got rough just to show up a few days later. lastly, he wasnt that great in bed. so she posts an ad in the singles section of the newspaper, and says "i am looking for a good quality man in my life, the loving kind who will never hit me, never run out on me, and you must be good in bed."
some suitors come and go, and she starts to feel like theres no one out there for her. one day her doorbell rings. she opens the door to see a quadriplegic man in his wheelchair sitting there at the bottom of her porch, which has three steps. she exclaims "oh my, is everything ok sir? do you need any help?"
he replies, "everythings fine, i'm here in regards to the single's classified ad"
taken aback, she figures she will be polite and goes along with it. "ok, tell me about yourself"
he replies "well you said you wanted a man who wont beat you, and since my arms dont work, obviously i wont do that. you want a man who wont run out on you. since my legs dont work, i cant do that either."
she replies "i see, fair points. but how do i know you're good in bed?"
"how do you think i rang the doorbell from all the way down here?"

 


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