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Author Topic: Help please - I've really messed up  (Read 7679 times)

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Offline BigMistake

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Help please - I've really messed up
« on: June 02, 2006, 06:43:51 PM »
Hi,

I've really messed up.  On the old board I explained how I slept with a sex-worker.  Well, this just happened before I got married (right before)!.

Now I think I've contracted genital herpes and I'm also worried what else I've got and whether I've passed it on to my beautiful wife.

I had totally protected sex, so I was really shocked to find a red blister near my penis, just above the base in fact.  Now I think about it, I realise what I've done - I also have a spot on my lip and had some on my back, which were unusual.

Please please, what should I do?  I've only been married for a few weeks and I love my wife to bits.  I'm so sad.   :'(

Big

Offline Ann

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2006, 06:56:32 PM »
Mistake,

You had protected intercourse so you were not at risk for hiv infection.

However, it is possible to become infected with herpes while having protected intercourse, because UNLIKE hiv, herpes only needs skin to skin contact. If she was having an outbreak on her mouth or genitals, any part of your skin that the outbreak touched would be liable to become infected. It normally takes around two to three weeks for a new herpes infection to show itself - if indeed it ever does.

You didn't have a risk of hiv infection, but herpes is a possibility. Please see your doctor for a diagnosis.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2006, 07:09:40 PM »
Mistake,

You had protected intercourse so you were not at risk for hiv infection.

However, it is possible to become infected with herpes while having protected intercourse, because UNLIKE hiv, herpes only needs skin to skin contact. If she was having an outbreak on her mouth or genitals, any part of your skin that the outbreak touched would be liable to become infected. It normally takes around two to three weeks for a new herpes infection to show itself - if indeed it ever does.

You didn't have a risk of hiv infection, but herpes is a possibility. Please see your doctor for a diagnosis.

Ann


I'm shivering, I'm so scared.  What is wrong with me - how could I put my loved one at risk again.  I really hate myself right now.



Offline RapidRod

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2006, 07:21:50 PM »
You had protected sex so HIV is not a concern. I would assume that most of what you are going through at the moment, is guilt that you had sex with someone other than your girl friend at the time.

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2006, 07:43:46 PM »
You had protected sex so HIV is not a concern. I would assume that most of what you are going through at the moment, is guilt that you had sex with someone other than your girl friend at the time.

Didn't you read my first post?  I have a blister above the base of my penis - on my crotch area.  What else could it be than herpes!

I'm an idiot.  I can't believe I did this - boy do I feel guilty!  I just go too drunk and took things too far.  It was my stag ffs.  Right now I'm weeping.  What if I've given my wife herpes!  How could I do this?

 :'(  :'(  :'(

Offline Ann

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2006, 07:47:45 PM »
Mistake,

It isn't necessarily herpes. It could be something as simple as an ingrown hair or pimple. That is why I recommended that you go and get it diagnosed by a doctor. You can't diagnose yourself and we can't diagnose your spot over the internet either.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline LessonLearned

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2006, 08:02:15 PM »
People get sores, pimples all over there body but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a result of an STD.

As others have said, HIV is not a concern in your case. If you are concerned about other STD's then you need to see your doctor for a proper diagnoses. You cannot diagnose yourself. The large majority of STD's don't pose a major health risk if they are treated early on.

You had sex with a sex worker and now you are afraid you passed something on to your "beautiful" wife. Maybe that was something that you should have thought about before straying. 

Offline AlexQ

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2006, 08:05:23 PM »
lots of people have herpes...relax.  herpes isn't fatal or have the stigma of hiv (haven't you seen all those commercials for herepes medicine with beautiful people on prime time TV...haven't seen that for HIV).  it could also be that your wife has herpes and gave it to you...who knows... but if you insist on kicking yourself...go right ahead...but know that this isn't hiv related (it might not even be herpes related).  go see a doctor for the blister/sore.

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2006, 03:43:09 AM »
You had sex with a sex worker and now you are afraid you passed something on to your "beautiful" wife. Maybe that was something that you should have thought about before straying. 

Thanks for the moral lesson dude.  I was drunk out of my head and not in control of myself.  Yep lesson very much learned this time!  No more boozing for me, cutting it out of my lifestyle, it ain't worth it.  I don't control myself when drunk, and as HIVworker said - I'll just end up hurting the most important people in my life.

OK, have calmed down a little bit since last night.  Booked an appointment with the doc for today - costing a fortune (the lack of free and fast std services in London is appalling).

Don't know how I'll tell the wife if I do have herpes though...

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2006, 04:27:05 AM »
maybe you should have thought of your beautiful wife before you stuck your cock into somebody else.

That might sound judgemental and it is meant to be.

As to tranmission factors.. go see a doc if you think you have herpes... and in fact.. a total std panel wouldn't be out of order.

I don't cotton to people who cheat on their spouses.

I can't fathom what you expect from us here.  If you are gonna stick your cock into somebody, you might catch something, but since it was PROTECTED, you don't have to worry about hiv.

Move along... nothing more to see here.... see a shrink about you guilt... and maybe a marriage counsellor about your infidelity.


well, fast testing comes at a premium.. and free... pshhh... i don't know about your country but even that can be hard to find in the states (outside of big cities for free fast testing) 

you might consider that appalling, but knowing you are hiv poz after a fuck whether it's 3 weeks ror 5 isn't gonna matter.

and if you aren't PAYING for it, you have no right to condemn the timeframe  you get results in.  It's not like it would change the results

People like you who had PROTECTED SEX and were not EVER in danger of infection are what WASTE resources.

That's why only people who actually HAD a risk of infection should test after a potential exposure.  (though we do recommend basic full testing of everything for those who are sexually active at least once per year)

edit * I was gonna edit this to make it less 'abrasive', but will let it stand as is.   This is not a site to morally condemn someone either.   Please don't mistake that as my point.   I just hate seeing people not take responsibility for their own actions, like it's something that 'just happened to them' and not their own fault.  I have a personal peeve against cheaters and it does make me very angry, especially since you may have saddled her with herpes because of your indescretions.



« Last Edit: June 03, 2006, 04:35:12 PM by DingoBoi »

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2006, 08:37:20 AM »
maybe you should have thought of your beautiful wife before you stuck your cock into somebody else.

I don't cotton to people who cheat on their spouses.

Fair enough, both points well and truly accepted.  You're right, my behaviour was unacceptable.  I won't bother offering any excuses.

well, fast testing comes at a premium.. and free... pshhh... i don't know about your country but even that can be hard to find in the states (outside of big cities for free fast testing) 

you might consider that appalling, but knowing you are hiv poz after a fuck whether it's 3 weeks ror 5 isn't gonna matter.

and if you aren't PAYING for it, you have no right to condemn the timeframe  you get results in.  It's not like it would change the results

People like you who had PROTECTED SEX and were not EVER in danger of infection are what WASTE resources.

Not sure that it's ever a waste of resources for someone to know their sexual health.  Particularly if you expect to be in a monogomous relationship.

Anyhow, personally I don't mind paying - I can more than afford the $600 dollars I just coughed up this morning for an STD panel.  I was thinking more about other people who can't necessarily.  Yes, they exist even in London!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #11 on: June 03, 2006, 08:54:25 AM »
You've done the smartest thing by going and getting tested for herpes. With regard to HIV and STDs in general, worrying and guessing is never the way to go. When in doubt over risky behavior it's always a good policy to get tested.

Good luck with the result and keep us posted.

Cheers,

 
Andy Velez

Offline concerned88

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2006, 10:06:58 AM »
Anyhow, personally I don't mind paying - I can more than afford the $600 dollars I just coughed up this morning for an STD panel.  I was thinking more about other people who can't necessarily.  Yes, they exist even in London!
[/quote]

Hi there, I'm from the UK and got free STI testing from my local GUM clinic. These tests are free so I can't see why you had to pay for yours. All UK GUM clinics offer free testing, you can either walk-in or book in advance like I did...............

Offline AlexQ

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2006, 01:07:41 PM »
man...had no idea that people here were so judgemental.

BIG MISTAKE:  you should relax a bit.  you don't have all the facts yet.  wait a few days and make an appointment at a clinic (it should be free...and use the money saved for flowers or donate it to an aids/hiv cause).  i personally don't think you are an idiot or scum just because you cheated on your wife/girlfriend and neither should you.  a lot of people do it...good and bad (obviously doesn't make it right or wrong).  just educate yourself about std's and learn about yourself (i.e. are you the sort that has affairs or not...no wrong answer...but make sure you are comfortable with your decision). 

how do you tell your wife...hmmm...1) just tell her 2) don't tell her, it could be nothing 3) tell her that your herpes was dormant for years and only lately has the outbreak occurred  (personally i opt for 1...set your emotiional mind free...after all it was before the marriage if you want it to be technical)

don't forget that std's can be spread by just having oral sex.   

you don't have hiv

some serious soul searching for you...you'll be ok no matter what happens....good luck.

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2006, 04:39:50 PM »
alex, most people aren't judgemental here.   Most people here provide information which is what this place is designed for.   I do as well, but think this site lacks at times some directlion in fidelity, which frankly pisses me off to no end that people come here asking questions about being infected WHILE sleeping with their spouses.  /rant off.


Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2006, 05:03:39 PM »
alex, dingoboi,

Both - thanks for your thoughts.  Alex, thanks for the support.  I probably deserve a lot of what I've got though!  Dingoboi - yes, my behaviour was unacceptable - I agree with pretty much all you've said anyhow.

The doctor didn't think my symptoms were characteristic of herpes.  He thought it was most likely an ingrown hair or some such.  Regardless, I took a battery of tests anyhow so I know exactly my status.  I had a PCR-HIV1 test or something as well.  Apparently reasonably accurate even in such early stages.  I'll re-take in 3 months anyhow.

Regarding my wife, I've suggested that we both do STD tests.  My wife's from abroad and I don't think she's done any before - though she hasn't had much of a sexual history.  We're moving away from UK soon anyhow, so makes sense.

Re London clinics:  yes I know of the free GUM clinics.  Unfortunately in London they're all pretty much closed on weekends which makes it kind of difficult for me!

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2006, 06:28:26 PM »
Alex,

There's a difference between being judgemental and telling people the unpalatable truth. Here in the Am I Infected? forum we've learned that we don't do anybody any favours by being overly warm and fuzzy. We save that for Living With, where it's needed.

People come to Am I Infected? to get the truth about HIV transmission. That's what we deliver. There is nothing in this thread that seems judgemental of the originator's practices or lifestyle.

Blunt, yes. Direct, most certainly. Judgemental, absolutely not.

MtD
(Who does not look for friends in the Am I Infected Forum)

Offline Superman

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2006, 11:05:09 PM »
What you're feeling is guilt - not HIV.  And be careful what you promise during this stage of your feelings.  You'll be surprised at how easy it is to to be thinking and doing the same things that brought you to this forum in another year or so.  And I know because I've been there.  Good luck.  I leave the judgement part for you.


Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2006, 05:29:30 PM »
Sorry about that.  I did read the welcome thread - but obviously not very well!  My question re-posted:

On Saturday I had a pro-viral test for HIV.  This is meant to have a 96% rate of accuracy for a negative result - i.e. if negative, then 96% chance is the result is correct.  There's also a very small chance of false-positives <1% apparently.

Can someone please tell me, does the test cover only HIV-1 or both HIV-1 and 2?

Should I retest at the 3-month?  I'm assuming I get a negative result...

Also, said spot seems to have died down now (and hasn't spread).  I'm hoping it was just focullitis or something - which could make sense 'cause I spent the last couple of weeks in a hot environment scuba-diving wearing a wet-suit etc and picked up loads of other spots all over my legs etc from mosquito bites and stuff.  Given the doctor said it was uncharacteristic of herpes - what do you guys reckon?

Test results out on Tuesday for clymmidia (sp), gonn, herpes, Pro-viral etc.  Fingers crossed.  Have to have a syphilis follow up 'cause they couldn't test on Sat for that.

You guys have been a great help btw!  I've smoked more cigarettes in the past two days than in last two years though.

Offline Ann

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2006, 06:40:58 PM »
Mistake,

A pro-viral test is a PCR type test. You wasted your money as they are not approved for diagnostic purposes because they have a bad habit of returning FALSE postive results. Any result must still be confirmed with standard ELISA testing at the appropriate time.

You didn't need to bother with spending all that money for another reason - you didn't have a risk of hiv infection.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2006, 03:50:39 PM »
Annn,

I appreciate your comments.  I know where you're coming from wrt to the false-positive commentary.  I'm not sure I wasted my money though - here's my thoughts:

1.  I went for a full consultation and check-up.  I'm sure you'll agree that wasn't a waste.

2.  With respect to the HIV test, I can justify it through the use of Bayes Theorem:

Bayes says that P(A|B) = P(B|A)*P(A)/P(B).

Now, let's suppose these are the following probabilities of infection and false-results from the test (it's kind of academic, you can change the probabilities as you like).  Note that 'Negative' = not infected, whereas 'Neg Result' = negative result from the test:

P(Negative)=99/100
P(Positive) = 1/100
P(Neg Result n Positive) = 5%
P(Neg Result n Negative) = 95%
P(Neg Result|Positive) = 5%
P(Pos Result|Positive) = 99%

Then from Bayes we get the following:

P(Positive|Neg Result) = P(Neg Result|Positive)*P(Positive)/P(Neg Result)

Now, P(Neg Result) = P(Neg Result n Positive) * P(Positive) + P(Neg Result n Negative) * P(Negative)
So, P(Neg Result) = 5%*1% + 95% * 99% = 94.1%

Therefore, P(Positive|Neg Result) = 5% * 1% / 94.1% = 0.05%

In other words, if I have a 1/100 chance of being infected.  After taking a test which has 1% false positives and 5% false negatives, if I do test negative my chances of being infected reduce to just 0.05%.

Now this is why what you said is also correct:

P(Positive|Pos Result) = P(Pos Result|Positive)*P(Positive)/P(Pos Result)

Now, P(Pos Result) = P(Pos Result n Negative) * P(Negative) + P(Pos Result n Positive) * P(Positive)
So, P(Pos Result) = 1% * 99% + 99% * 1% = 1.98%

Therefore, P(Positive|Pos Result) = 99% * 1% / 1.98% = 50%

In other words.  With such a test and probabilities of infection, a positive result still means there's a 50% chance that you're not infected.

Just something I was thinking about on the tube home.

Cheers.

Offline Ann

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2006, 05:05:57 PM »
Mistake,

Sorry, but my eyes glaze over when faced with mathematical type equations.

I can tell you this much though, the people who get false positive PCR test results freak out - and it's not pretty to watch and it's not easy to calm them down. It's also not easy to convince them that their subsequent negative ELISA is the test to trust.

I totally agree that the full consultation and exam was not a waste of money. But, all that additional dosh you shelled out for the PCR was a waste because if nothing else, you didn't have a risk of hiv infection. If you were going to go in for unnecessary testing you could have saved yourself a bundle by going for the ELISA.

You had protected intercourse. You didn't have a risk of hiv infection.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline BigMistake

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2006, 01:29:15 PM »
Should be P(Pos Result) = P(Pos Result | Negative) * P(Negative) + P(Pos Result | Positive) * P(Positive), simly for P(Neg Result).

All results back negative:  Herpes, Syph, gonn, cly etc.

Haven't had back the pro-v test - but that wasn't the one which was worrying me tbh.  Thanks all, hopefully won't be back on here again... mmmm.....  I think I've said that before.

This time it WILL be different tho - no more beer, unless it's with the wife.

Cheers.

Offline Murphys Law

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Re: Help please - I've really messed up
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2006, 12:02:08 PM »
Hey Big,

It's great that all your tests came back negative. I don't think you stated when the incident happened though. You need to get a herpes type specific IgG blood test 12-16 weeks after possible exposure for a conclusive result. Actually, a 13 week result would be conclusive for herpes, HIV, and syphilis. Anything before that time is not conclusive for these 3 diseases. Good luck!

PS Very fortunate is the person who hasn't made at least one Big Mistake.

 


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