Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 15, 2014, 12:38:43 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 638730
  • Total Topics: 48490
  • Online Today: 183
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: protected sex with a negative partner?  (Read 2853 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
protected sex with a negative partner?
« on: October 12, 2010, 11:19:19 PM »
Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2010, 11:27:48 PM »
Has she been tested recently (as in 13 weeks after your last unprotected encounter)?  Once you get this confirmation you need to continue using condoms, that way you will prevent the possibility of transmission in the future.  Condoms do work, it is as simple as that.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2010, 11:37:56 PM »
Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...

The only way for her to find out is to get tested.   I had a scare like this myself with two ex-wives, both of whom I was sleeping with at the time of my infection.  I lucked out and neither became infected.  Determining how long you've been infected is not really an accurate science anyways (someone please correct me if I'm wrong), so your doctor could be wrong about that.

Anyhow...  have her get tested.  If she's sexually active, gathering you two are not together,she should be doing this regularly anyways.



I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,494
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2010, 11:45:52 PM »
You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment.  I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes.  If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter.  I went through the same things many, many, many years ago.  I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent.  Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out. 

Good luck!
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2010, 12:10:35 AM »
You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment.  I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes.  If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter.  I went through the same things many, many, many years ago.  I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent.  Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out. 

Good luck!

Why would you get slammed for that comment?

Of course the OP should do what he can to inform the woman in question or cause her to be informed of her potential exposure.

MtD

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,644
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2010, 07:53:35 AM »
frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...

I dont understand - the thread title says protected sex and the story says unprotected sex. What are you asking exactly?  
If you had unprotected sex when you were likely HIV positive, you owe it to this person to tell her.  She might not have been infected. Its possible.  Also, you are confusing the issue of guilt and the issue of respect. You can respect this person by telling her.  It takes two to tango - two to have unprotected sex.  You might be guilty of nothing.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2010, 08:35:20 AM »
.
Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...

I'm a little confused too.  "A former partner has  brought it up"  meaning figuratively or literally.  Did she say she was concerned with being infected or that the idea of her has raised your question.

Offline eric48

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,172
  • @HIVPharmaCure & tinyurl.com/HIVPharmaCure
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2010, 06:20:07 PM »

 i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...

what about the guilt of letting someone living longer under unnoticeable and unsuspected infection as you kno wnow that the sooner you know and the sooner you treat (in most cases) the better ?

tell her to get tested.

I know it is easier said than done Good Luck

Eric

NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2010, 04:51:22 AM »
Hey folks, OP here. Of course I informed her, she was the first person I told. She is the only person that knows that has so much as given me a hug since. Prior to my diagnosis, she and I had unprotected sex for years. Since my diagnosis, she tested negative. She has brought up the idea of sex with a condom, which I am still uncomfortable with. I don't know how I feel about that, I was just looking for others opinions that have probably faced a similar situation. Sorry if I caused any confusion.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2010, 04:59:55 AM »
You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment.  I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes.  If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter.  I went through the same things many, many, many years ago.  I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent.  Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out. 

Good luck!

I have informed her, just addressed that issue in a previous post. I'm curious, and still very uneducated, what are you refering to when you say preventative treatment? Is there a lesson I read? Thanks, Zach
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2010, 05:11:35 AM »
totally off topic, Skeebo, love your quote, i recently took my 15 yr old son to his first concert... alice in chains at the tabernacle in atlanta, the opening act, middle class rut, they fkn blew me away
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2010, 06:24:05 AM »
Hey folks, OP here. Of course I informed her, she was the first person I told. She is the only person that knows that has so much as given me a hug since. Prior to my diagnosis, she and I had unprotected sex for years. Since my diagnosis, she tested negative. She has brought up the idea of sex with a condom, which I am still uncomfortable with. I don't know how I feel about that, I was just looking for others opinions that have probably faced a similar situation. Sorry if I caused any confusion.

Let me get this, you're uncomfortable with the idea of a condom? That condom, used properly, is a guarantee that you will be protecting your partner and yourself.  Think of it as Russian Roulette.   Sure, she's been negative all this time, but that one time can do it.  That's exactly what happened to me, though my story is more complicated than just that. 

What are you uncomfortable with specifically...just "the fit" of the condom?

I would never ever put my husband in harm's way.  He's negative and if he begged me to not wear a condom, I would stand firm.  Because I don't even want a person to contract this awful disease by my ignorance or selfishness.   I personally, could never live with myself, which is why I included you in "protecting yourself".  The person that infected me still lives with the guilt and has caused him much mental anguish. 

I completely understand that you're new with this, but first and foremost, protect your partner. 

Camms

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,385
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2010, 07:33:20 AM »
Let me get this, you're uncomfortable with the idea of a condom? That condom, used properly, is a guarantee that you will be protecting your partner and yourself.  Think of it as Russian Roulette.   Sure, she's been negative all this time, but that one time can do it.  That's exactly what happened to me, though my story is more complicated than just that. 

What are you uncomfortable with specifically...just "the fit" of the condom?

I would never ever put my husband in harm's way.  He's negative and if he begged me to not wear a condom, I would stand firm.  Because I don't even want a person to contract this awful disease by my ignorance or selfishness.   I personally, could never live with myself, which is why I included you in "protecting yourself".  The person that infected me still lives with the guilt and has caused him much mental anguish. 

I completely understand that you're new with this, but first and foremost, protect your partner. 

Camms

I didn't read his post as being uncomfortable with the condom -- but rather uncomfortable having sex with a negative partner -- even with the condom.  A perfectly normal reaction for the newly diagnosed.

Zach -- you need to continue to learn about living with this virus.  Condoms, when used properly, will protect your partner.  I have a negative partner, so I understand your angst -- but it is possible to work through this fear and enjoy sex again.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2010, 07:36:30 AM »
My misunderstanding.  I should not post upon waking  :-\

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2010, 02:55:21 PM »
camille, love your fire, don't ever put it out, but mike understood my pov <3
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2011, 10:00:03 PM »
I know I'm drudging up an ancient topic of mine, but it is something that I didn't communicate well originally. I let it go in October because of that misunderstanding. For a couple of reasons, it still weighs heavy on my mind.

I have a "How the fck didn't I infect her?!" sort of question, and yes I see the irony that this kind of question may be better placed in the "am i" board.

So, my question, Is it possible for a positive man to have unprotected vaginal and anal sex with a negative woman for years without her becoming infected?

I was diagnosed with AIDS. Day 1 of this journey for me, was to the hospital with pneumonia.

I had been in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, and we never once used protection, because her tubes had been tied. Yes yes yes, I know that was stupid. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I called, and I insisted she needed to be tested.

She said she got tested, and the results were negative. I was so relieved. God I pray thats true. But a voice in my head that won't shut the fck up keeps asking "is that really possible?" I worry that she 1 is lying to me... or much much worse 2 is lying to herself

She is the same girl who suggested we continue a sexual relationship after my diagnosis, this time with a condom. I didn't express what I felt in my original post. Its not sex with a condom that disturbs me, it is sex with a negative person. period.

I've tried a couple times to revisit the subject of her results, I never saw them, and a part of me thinks that until I do, I won't really know. She gets very annoyed when I ask if she really tested. I know that on a fundamental level, her results are none of my business. I've tried to just let this go. It hasn't worked.

I've come to terms with my condition. I have AIDS. I can handle that. I'm not so sure I can handle knowing she is infected. She has suffered so much loss, that if she is lying to herself, I can understand why.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2011, 08:32:59 PM by zach »
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2011, 10:25:06 PM »
I know I'm drudging up an ancient topic of mine, but it is something that I didn't communicate well originally. I let it go in October because of that misunderstanding. For a couple of reasons, it still weighs heavy on my mind. Annd I'm kind of hoping for ann annswer from Ann. (hinthint) The text in red, is really the only important part of this post, the rest is babble. Anybody except a moderator that feels the need to spank me for this, fk off ok.

I have a "How the fck didn't I infect her?!" sort of question, and yes I see the irony that this kind of question may be better placed in the "am i" board. That board just rubs me all wrong.

So, my question, Is it possible for a positive man to have unprotected vaginal and anal sex with a negative woman for years without her becoming infected?

I was diagnosed with AIDS. Day 1 of this journey for me, was to the hospital with pneumonia.

I had been in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, and we never once used protection, because her tubes had been tied. Yes yes yes, I know that was stupid. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I called, and I insisted she needed to be tested.

She said she got tested, and the results were negative. I was so relieved. God I pray thats true. But a voice in my head that won't shut the fuck up keeps asking "is that really possible?" I worry that she 1 is lying to me... or much much worse 2 is lying to herself

She is the same girl who suggested we continue a sexual relationship after my diagnosis, this time with a condom. I didn't express what I felt in my original post. Its not sex with a condom that disturbs me, it is sex with a negative person. period.

I've tried a couple times to revisit the subject of her results, I never saw them, and a part of me thinks that until I do, I won't really know. She gets very annoyed when I ask if she really tested. I know that on a fundamental level, her results are none of my business. I've tried to just let this go. It hasn't worked.

I've come to terms with my condition. I have AIDS. I can handle that. I'm not so sure I can handle knowing she is infected. She has suffered so much loss, that if she is lying to herself, I can understand why.

Since you're HIV positive you've chosen correctly not to post in AMI.

Yes it is possible to have unprotected sex with someone and not infect them. HIV is difficult to transmit under the best of circumstances. Lots of people dodge the bullet. There could be any number of reasons why she wasn't infected. Sheer luck, viral load, she might be one of the special few who cannot contract the virus etc.

Seriously don't beat yourself up here. It sounds to me like you've discharged your obligations to your former lover. What she does from here on in is her concern.

MtD

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,440
  • not fade away
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2011, 07:31:05 AM »
thanks matty, and to those who responded in private... these are the same things i've been trying to tell myself, but hearing others echo it gives some validity... i'll keep trying to let that fear go and move on



gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: protected sex with a negative partner?
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2011, 07:48:31 AM »
Zach,

To echo what Matty said, yes, it is totally possible. We have a few women on this forum who joined to support their positive partner - and they remained negative despite unprotected sex before his diagnosis. One I can think of by name is Theresa.

As to how they managed to dodge the bullet - we don't really know. It could be just sheer luck or it could be that they possess a rare genetic immunity to hiv infection.

Zach, don't deny yourself a sex life. There are plenty of neg/poz relationships out there where the negative partner remains negative through the use of condoms.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.