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Positive and lost

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hi there....

today has been a roller coaster ride for me.

almost 2 weeks ago, i went for an anonymous test. strangely before the counsellor called me in for the result, i wasn't all that scared. i remember when he broke the news, i just sat there - no tears, nothing. i had to take another test, so they could confirm the results.

today i got the call. and my heart sank.

i was at a loss for the next hour. i didn't pick up the phone when the counsellor called. i didn't know where or how to start. i just stared out of my room window.

when i got the first initial result 2 weeks ago, i got home and before i slept i wrote down a list of things i told myself i promised to do even if the final result were pos or neg.

but now i really don't know where to begin. i haven't told anyone.

many questions abound... do i tell my family? friends? bosses? do i have to start treatment? how should i tell my last partner (who is not from my town)?  do i tell her over the phone? should i fly over to tell her?

what's the next step? logically i should speak to my counsellor. but at the same time i'm totally lost at where to begin.

i keep telling myself that this is not the end. after reading some of the posts here i realised there IS still life ahead!

i'm from an asian country and it is not easy to break such news to anyone especially the family. the sense that i have failed my parents and they would feel that they have failed likewise, is a very sensitive issue that is not easily overcome.

i have a few close friends but even then, how does one tell them? how would they react?

do i keep this to myself? is it better not to tell?


Welcome. Re: Meds, you have to talk to a health professional preferably an HIV doctor. Re: Disclosure, that can be complex. If you want to read about my past issues with disclosure, read on. I was positive for 5 years and chose not to tell any blood relative. I'm Chinese so I can relate to the whole family dynamics stuff you mentioned. Anyway, keeping such a massive secret was a bad move for me. It was like a ton on my shoulders even though I did my best to look healthy and smile for the camera. It took huge amounts of energy to maintain my charade. Finally I had to tell them because I felt like I was going to die --I didn't want them to hear about my status from an autopsy. In my case, I was fortunate because their response was great. They wondered why on Earth I would wait over 5 years to reveal such a heavy serious reality. This was a year ago and I'm on the road to recovery. Sometimes we can conjure up drama in our heads that's beyond outlandish, e.g., in my case I envisioned being disowned, people hauling out bullshit from the past and laying blame (i.e. family drama), screaming, tears, fist fights. None of that happened. I wish you the best. I would tell you my whole story but most of the members of this site are tired of hearing it over and over LOL  :D so PM me if you want. Family-related disclosure is an individual decision that only you can make. Every case is unique.

Hello Lost1971, it is Eldon.

First of all I wish to extend a warm WELCOME to you here at the forums. Here you will find love, encouragement, understanding, communication, support, fun, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS. We have an excellent group of individuals and there is a lot of information on this site for you. Feel free to come and vent your concerns and or frustrations.

It is unfortunate that you have now tested positive with HIV. I understand that it has been a roller coaster ride for you. I'm riding the same one too. You will have your up's and your down's. It is a good thing that you somewhat had prepared yourself for this outcome. Writing down a TO DO list is a powerful tool to use in your life.

There are a number of questions that are going through your head right now and it is good to vent them out in order to gain an understanding of your situation. As far as the disclosure issue, it can be a tough decision to make. However, you do need to have a support system put into place to help you through this difficult period in your life. It boils down to you making the decision to disclose. On this matter, let your conscious be your guide.

Depending on where you are as far as CD4 counts and your Viral Load, I would sit down with your Doctor to discuss any treatment questions that you may have. Again, with your last partner, you'd have to make that choice if you were to disclose it to her. Preferably, face to face disclosure is a better thing to do. Over the phone can get a little impersonal.

You want to Educate yourself as much as you can on HIV/AIDS. Here is a link for you to read in order to gain a better understanding:

In the interim, you may want to implement an exercise routine/program, drink plenty of fluids, eat a healthier diet, and get your proper rest. Also. focus on building you a strong support system.

Again, Welcome & have the BEST Day!

Dear Lost,

There is plenty of time to think about who you are going to tell and not.  May I suggest that your first disclosures be for YOUR benefit?  In my opinion you need support more than family needs to know.  Support may come from your family, or maybe not.  Go slow.

Big, long hugs,

brother joe

Joe K:
Hello Lost,

I'm sorry for why you here but glad you found your way to us.  Right now you have so much going through your mind that you just have to take it one day at a time.  Nothing is critical right now, other than you getting some support to allow you to start sorting this all out.  Again, you have all the time in the world right now, so just go slow, disclose only to those you really feel you must right now and be good to yourself.

I also want you to know me, because I have been poz for 22 years, long before the meds or anything and I am living a very good life, even with HIV and after all of these years.  Trust me, my friend, the journey you are beginning is one we have all taken and while we cannot tell you where your journey will take you, we can certainly be there to walk with you.

Your life is going to change, but eventually you will get to a place where HIV becomes nothing more than just another facet of your life.  I know, you don't believe me, but it will happen... it just takes time.  So until then, consider us your cyber family and feel free to ask questions, vent or whatever you need and we will do all that we can to help.

Welcome to the forums.


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