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Author Topic: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?  (Read 4467 times)

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Offline kitty1

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JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« on: September 07, 2010, 07:41:20 PM »
Ladies I really do need some advice.  I am married to a negative guy.  i found out my status after we wedded. He tested negative even though we were having unprotected sex all along.  My issue is that, each time we had argument he would talk about how much he loves me to the point he puts his life on line but would also suggest separation.  So I have since lost interest in sex with him and have not had sex for over a year, yes, over a year only because i dont need the "you infected me" come up.  I have wanted to leave but he always claims he loves me and does not care about sex cuz he is disciplined.
He claims he understands how I feel about it.

We recently had an argument cuz he thought I was texting a former boyfriend and he again brought up the "i put my life on line for you". And AGAIN suggested we get separated.  I told him I wa sall for the separation and divorce but he later cried like a bitch talking about he loves me and wants to stay with me.  I know you ladies are in the medical situtaion as myself and do know how this condition can get to you.  I have lost interest in being with him, we are roommates so to speak.  He puts up a front to people around. He wants us to stay together probably just so he continues getting the respect from friends and everyone around but i am not feeling it.

Just yesterday, we were in the terminal at the airport, i fly for a living and was working all weekend and he used my flight benefits to fly out of town for a weekend while i was working.  he said he was visiting a friend and family who ofcourse live in that state.  We ended up on the same flight home and as we were boarding the plane, his phone illuminated and the name on the screen was of his ex-galfriend that lives in the city were he went for the weekend. He did not answer.  I later comfronted him when we sat down.  I told him i knew the person that was calling was his ex and I knew she lived in the city he was in over the weekend and she was calling to check on him if he made it.  He was shocked. he had no idea, I knew all that I knew.  He tried to deny it and i gave him the hand and i have been ignoring him and I have not brought the issue up since.  I asked him why he still was getting calls from an ex and yet he throws a fit when he thinks my ex is talking to me. 

I am trying not to stress over it.  I have my health to watch out for and I just feel maybe this is not going anywhere. I feel as though I should just let the marriage to a negative go.  I maybe need a fellow pozy maybe and sorry to say i already have someone in mind that can take the opportunity of having me in a blink of an eye.

sorry to bore you but i had to vent and really need your insight ladies.  Whats a gal to do in this situation?

Offline BT65

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2010, 03:48:32 AM »
Hey Kitty,

First, let me say, welcome to our ladie's family.  There's a good bunch of ladies here, and I'm sure you'll like it.  Feel free to jump in our ladie's thread, where we talk about our daily lives, struggles, little victories, and support each other.

What I would suggest is, if you want to continue the marriage, is to get to a counselor as fast as you can.  There are real problems right now, that won't go away by themselves.  It sounds like he's already seeing other people (with the call from his ex), and you're thinking about it.  Of course, you can agree to have an open marriage, that's up to you.  I guess one of the questions I want to ask is, do you love this guy, and want to stay with him for the rest of your life? 

I don't like his throwing up you being poz ("I put my life on the line") when he gets aggravated.  No one's forcing him to be there.  I hate when people play the guilt card, and I don't go for it anymore when someone tries it on me.  So, that would be somehing he would have to come to terms with.  Like I said, it's all about if you think the marriage is worth saving.  And if you do, and your husband does, then please see a counselor.  Otherwise, separate and see if you feel better.  I can't tell you exactly what to do.  That's not fair.  You decide, and take the appropriate action.  I would suggest doing it soon, because you seem miserable, and that's not what you need.     

Hope that helps, and please feel free to continue talking to us!
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2010, 06:09:07 AM »
Kitty, I am in no way telling you what to do (you gotta decide that for yourself) but there's no way in hell I would stay with a negative man who kept throwing that "I put my life on the line for you" line in my face. For a start, as long as he uses condoms now for intercourse with you, he's NOT putting his damn life on the line. Condoms have been proven to prevent hiv infection.

You deserve better. If you've got a nice poz guy who wants you (or even if you don't), what are you doing with this manipulative loser? You'd be better off on your own than with someone who plays the guilt card all the time. And yes, it sounds like he's a cheating so-and-so too.

Good luck, hun.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ballerina

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2010, 09:54:28 AM »
The whole "I put my life on the line for you" is some pretty serious manipulation. And as Ann pointed out, as long as you're safe, he's NOT putting his life on the line.

It sounds like he's using you and HIV as a scape goat. As long as the issues in your marriage always come down to you and your problem, it will never come down to him, and what he is or is not doing to make things work. He's ducking his responsibility and blaming everything on you.  HIV isn't the main issue here, it's the fact that he's using it as a free pass to act like a total ass.

It sounds like you want to move on. But if you still think there may be something worth saving, I agree with BT65 and say both of you need to get counseling, individually at first, then as a couple later. How long were you married before your diagnosis? What was it like before then? From his current behavior, I would guess if you hadn't been diagnosed he would have found something else about you to blame everything on. He just seems like that kind of guy.

I'm thinking of you, Sweetie. Relationship stuff isn't easy!

Offline Ann

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2010, 10:37:00 AM »
HIV isn't the main issue here, it's the fact that he's using it as a free pass to act like a total ass.

Preach, sister!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2010, 10:04:42 PM »
thank you ladies for the all the advice.  I had to drive 2 hrs out of town today for a dental appointment and the entire trip I could not stop thinking about the whole situation.  I will try counselling for myself first but I already know this negative, positive relationship is not going anywhere.  I think about the fact that I am abstaining right now not by choice but cuz I dont want to open a can of worms just incase he ends up positive.  I have since lost respect for him and I think I really dont see us together for years to come and I feel maybe if I get out of this earlier, the better for both of us.

I have met a single nice positive guy at the clinic i go to who really likes me. He is very well educated, no kids like me, good looking and is looking to settle down with someone.  I like him even though all we do is text each other when we are feeling low just for comfort.  He has no idea that I am married and I have not told him.  He is not pushing for anything even though his texts sometimes will give a hint.

I have been burying myself in work and luckily I fly for a living so its a job/vacation for me and I am blessed to have this job cuz it takes the stress away that come with this condition.

I am still pondering over the fact that he gets calls from an ex or exes behind my back.  Ladies, I am questioning my sanity thats why I am not eveing talking about this to him.  If it were you with a man who gets calls from exes he never ever introduced to you, what would you conclude?  I hope I am not crazy.  I have given him  some silent treatment and as i type, he is laying in bed and I think its eating him just as much as it is eating me inside.  Last night he was telling me there was a living room set he wanted me to look at online and I showed no interest at all even though I was pestering him to get a new set just last week.

The last time he suggested separation, I priced out apartments downtown and later mentioned it to him that I was looking at lofts downtown and he was kinda surprised to hear that and am sure he is thinking about it right now.

I am too independent and proud to go through this shit.  I think I am done.  What do i want out of this? Misery?  Heck no.  I am going apartment hunting tomorrow and will drop the bomb when I get back from work next week.  My friend thats married to his cousin told me to leave him too and I dont know what i am waiting for.

Offline BT65

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2010, 04:11:47 AM »
Kitty, I'm sure the reason he acts surprised when you mentioned pricing apartments, is because he doesn't think you'll really leave him.  Some men think that women are lucky to have them, and would never leave them.  God, I hate men with huge egos. 

I'm glad you're considering counseling.  With relationships like the one you have now, there's usually damage done (to you), that needs to be sorted through.  You're worth getting yourself healed, and feeling good again.   Good for you for choosing yourself!  Keep up the good work!
  -
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ballerina

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2010, 01:05:11 PM »
As for what are you waiting for...meh. It just takes time sometimes. I had an ex that took me four months of actively wanting to break up with him before I finally did. Every morning I would say to myself, "this is the day," and I couldn't do it. Just wasn't ready. Then after we split, we got back together after 6 months so I could learn my lesson a second time. Stuff happens, waiting isn't the end of the world, and you'll do it when you do it. Go easy on yourself, this shit is hard. We're here for you, no matter what you do. 

Ann, so glad you enjoyed my little rhyme  ;)


Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2010, 01:58:44 PM »
thanks again ladies.  I have called our eap line which is a free program offered to to crew members in case of times like this.  They set up counselling sessions for free.  Airlines provide this for free because they want stress free and happy workers all the time.  They will find a counsellor in my area who will call and set up an appointment with me.

I am leaving to look at apartments/lofts downtown.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2010, 03:20:06 PM »
That's fantastic that you can get free counselling. So many can't afford it and insurance, if one has it to begin with, won't always pay for it.

I know a positive woman who stays with an abusive husband because he's drummed it into her head that no one else would ever want her because she's poz. Sad thing is, he's poz too and is probably actually more afraid that no one would want HIM - and he'd be right, not because he's poz but because he's an abusive asshole who has even hit his 80+ year old mother when he didn't get his way. It's sickening.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2010, 07:32:58 PM »
Just dropped the moving out bomb through text.  waiting to hear from him.  I coulnt wait.  I have to go to work tomorrow and he may be working late. 

I feel relieved now.

Offline Snowangel

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2010, 10:25:45 PM »
Welcome Kitty!

I am glad you were able to make your mind up and go look for an apartment.  He is definately using reverse psychology on you, blaming you for talking to an ex while it was him all along. Talking to a therapist will definately re-inforce what you need to do for you.
My vote is definately leave.

Good Luck with everything!  I always wanted a loft.  How did you like the apartments?

Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2010, 11:39:46 PM »
Hey Snow

I love the apartments, i made sure I went to look at the ones he has always wanted to get for us as a wekkend crashpad. He came home later after his meeting with phone print outs that I have not looked at trying to prove he never called the lady over the weekend.  His trifling ass could have used his friend's phone anyway.  But I did tell him that he is free to talk to his exes and I am going to do so freely aswel.  I told him I hacked in his facebook and have the communication between him and this bicth where she was telling to tell his kids she loves them to kiss his mum for her and tell her she loves her.

He wanted to claim they were not galfriend/boyfriend but he forgot he had told me about her and him splitting cuz she didnt want him disciplining her son and his daughter was always telling him stories about her when he got back from work and he sided with the daughter.  They practically lived together.  I was like. He claims they tal only cuz he impacted her life cuz she had a f up childhood and he helped her get her own business going and it is all business when they talk.  So I was like if its all business why does she include love and kisses to your mum and kids when she knows too well you are now a married man?

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2010, 12:10:29 AM »
Welcome Kitty...

I think the ladies gave you all the good advice. I can't think of nothing to add. I can only relate. My husband use to do that mental abuse shit to me too. When we would get into arguements, the first thing he would say to me is that I have a rotten pu**y. And then he started getting abusive. That was my cue to get the hell out of dodge.

Right about now, I think your man is scrambling. He is surprised you put him on blast about the ex. He figured you were too busy to even notice. And if the ex has the business running so well then what is her need to call him? Even if it wasn't she should be looking to someone else for advice. I think you definitely are doing the right thing by leaving his trifling ass, the sooner the better....

It's funny to me how married men think they are so slick when it comes to cheating or any man for that matter. They never know how to cover their bases and even if they do, the other woman usually blows it out the box if she can't get a hold of him when she wants him. Writes those letters or texts with luv whoever. SMH...

And now the tables turn, you have found someone without even looking. It couldn't have worked out any better if you ask me. Come join us in the ladies thread, looking forward to learning more about you.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
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Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2010, 12:32:01 AM »
Hey Queen tokelove

I am so glad you are no longer with the foul mouthed man anymore.  I wish they could realize that had we known we were sick, we couldnt have married them anyway.  I would take a positive man over a negative man anytime.  I sure could relate and have more things to talk about and not feeling guilty all the time. 

Men sure dont know how to cover their tracks.  I am an untrained private investigator's eye and ear.  I hear it once, it wont be erased in mind and worse when i see it.

I am glad he now knows that I can log into his facebook account and if he changes the password then its proof he has something to hide and if he doesnt he may have to warn the bicth cuz I am getting all the evidence I can get. I already have the past messages printed out and stored safely in my underwear drawers. 

He is now babying me and  I am not feeling it a bit.  He was so sure I wa san idiot cuz I played innocent before we got married and decieved him on my wide knowledge of stuff.  He thought I was clueless and he called me miss innocent.  We had no pre-nup agreement so he is up to a split of assets.  Especially that I got stuff on him.  On the other hand I think i will just leave his triffling self with all his stuff and go ahead and leave my happy life.

Offline kitty1

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2010, 03:04:33 PM »
i slept over it and I am ready to give him a second chance.  I love him but i will have to learn to trust him again.  I have texted the lady telling her if there is something going between the two of them, it needs to stop unless she wants to come back here and marry his ass and that there is a reason they didnt work as a couple and that she needs to GO AWAY.  Waiting to hear from both of them.  But I am out for work headed to seattle and will be out on the west coast for the next three days.  Maybe they will have decided whether to continue their little friendship or hide it even more but I am gonna be on it.

Chao ladies

Offline Snowangel

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2010, 11:44:01 AM »
Kitty-
I hope it works out for you, Good Luck!!

Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Alba66peach

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Re: JUST LEAVE OR STAY?
« Reply #17 on: December 21, 2010, 02:33:44 AM »
Yup this would have helped u... right? Whats the situation now?

 


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