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Author Topic: something fucked happened to me today  (Read 1831 times)

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Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
something fucked happened to me today
« on: July 29, 2010, 01:24:43 AM »
and im kinda embarrassed to admit it but oh well. im sure this will haunt me down the road.

so i was in a situation earlier today. and i was talking to someone and they were really pissing me off. like i was day dreaming of stabbing them with a pen while they talked. and then the strangest thing happened. i got turned on. like REALLY turned on. as in, i'm a fucking glutton for pain and drama turned on. as in, this has never been so blatant why is blood rushing to my penis turned on.

its confirmed. im an emotional fucktard. i was talking with someone ive known for years. it was the second time they pissed me off today. and i was utterly, undeniably aroused. then i was conflicted once i realized how my emotions had betrayed me. how could these two diametrically opposed things exist in the same space? and why once i realized it did it not stop. i couldnt end the conversation nor could i kill the burgeoning excitement in my pants.

dunno what im gonna do about this one. ill def be talking to my therapist about this tuesday. man, my dad was fucking right. im gonna have to work on rewiring some shit in my head & heart. in my life those two things should NOT be connected.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Cliff

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  • Posts: 2,645
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2010, 09:39:56 AM »
...probably just the weed.

Offline skeebo1969

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  • Posts: 5,707
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2010, 11:54:54 AM »
...probably just the weed.

lol either that, or the makings of a serial killer.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2010, 02:13:30 PM »
Did someone mention weed...*lol*...If that is what it is, then I definitely don't want none. Hehe, thought I would never hear myself turn down weed. Anyhoo, all I can say is damn. I guess we all have our dark side. I know there are a few people who piss me off so bad I would like to dismember them. Nah, not really but I thought I would say it to make you feel better, D. Maybe the day dream can be interperted to mean something else. Definitely talk to your therapist about it.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2010, 05:46:18 AM »
uggh, this was totally not influenced by marijuana.

i'm hoping it does not happen again.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,707
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2010, 11:37:32 AM »
uggh, this was totally not influenced by marijuana.

i'm hoping it does not happen again.

Hey D,

  Just so you know it's very inappropriate for a weed smoker to use the word marijuana.

  I've reported you.

  Skeebo
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Inchlingblue

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  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2010, 11:40:10 AM »
It seems counter-productive to beat yourself up over this or to fight it. I would recommend exploring these feelings in a safe environment.

What you're experiencing is not at all unusual, you'd be surprised how common it is. There's even a term for it: sadomasochism.

LINK:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism
« Last Edit: July 30, 2010, 11:44:24 AM by Inchlingblue »

Online Jeff G

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  • Member
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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2010, 11:41:25 AM »
My ex used to get aroused when I was angry or if I cried . I always thought that was an odd reaction .

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,076
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2010, 02:03:31 PM »
It seems counter-productive to beat yourself up over this or to fight it. I would recommend exploring these feelings in a safe environment.

What you're experiencing is not at all unusual, you'd be surprised how common it is. There's even a term for it: sadomasochism.

LINK:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism

LOL
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Inchlingblue

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  • Posts: 3,119
  • Chad Ochocinco PETA Ad
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2010, 02:07:27 PM »
LOL

I guess when you emphasize those parts it's kinda funny ;)

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2010, 04:53:33 PM »
It seems counter-productive to beat yourself up over this or to fight it. I would recommend exploring these feelings in a safe environment.

What you're experiencing is not at all unusual, you'd be surprised how common it is. There's even a term for it: sadomasochism.

LINK:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism

whoa. don't know what to say about that one. guess i'll give it some time.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Ann

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  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2010, 07:55:59 AM »
D, I can just imagine you in a black leather basque with leather thigh-high high-heeled boots and a whip. :)

Or alternatively, black leather vest and chaps and of course, the whip. Ride 'em, cowboy!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #12 on: August 01, 2010, 02:35:58 PM »
that does sound hot. getting this approval on this emerging aspect of my sexuality is assuaging my guilty feelings about it.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: something fucked happened to me today
« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2010, 10:45:48 PM »
uggh, it got worse. ive had to work with this individual the last few days. i thought it had gone away. wrong. i was listening to him speak today. as i was hanging on his words and watching him talk i realized i was lingering too long and became worried about what others would think.

then it hit me. clear as day. i like him. never occurred to me before. it did today. i dont want to like him. just happened. hopefully it has something to do with summer heat or whatnot. this will not be pursued in any way shape or form. at all. never.

fucking emotions. i couldnt make eye contact with him the rest of the day. where the hell did this come from and when will it go away? im not even physically attracted to dude. just my luck.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

 


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