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Author Topic: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg  (Read 2056 times)

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Offline bxrican

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« on: June 16, 2011, 10:28:30 PM »
Hello Forum
 I've been Positive for 2 yrs now. This is my 1st dating experience since my Diagnosis. I became a hermit. Now I really, REALLY like him. He feels the same towards me, Sexual tension is there but he's afraid of Intercourse (protected) with me cause Of my status. I'm undetectable and we know the risk is slim & to his defense... He is really trying to understand but the fear in him is still there. We're falling in love with each other But...
How can we conquer this, together?
Does Love really conquer all Or is this just wishful thinking?
Any thoughts?

Offline CaptCarl

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,114
  • Located in the Palinsville subdivision, JesusLand
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2011, 03:45:04 PM »
There are many here on the Forum who are sero-discordant. You have all the info you both need, now you just need the rust and re-asurment. It's a huge leap of faith to get involved with someone who has an lilness such as HIV. But it can and does work. Perhaps a bit of couples counseling, either together or seperately might help too. In the end though, I suspect it really comes down to whether or not your realtionship is meant to happen. Good luck with it, and don't be afraid to give it a go, or be ready to live with regret.

CaptCarl
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,251
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2011, 04:41:10 PM »
Sexual tension is there but he's afraid of Intercourse (protected) with me cause Of my status. I'm undetectable and we know the risk is slim & to his defense... He is really trying to understand but the fear in him is still there. We're falling in love with each other But...
How can we conquer this, together?
Does Love really conquer all Or is this just wishful thinking?
Any thoughts?
I accented two lines.  I'm not sure you have to conquer anything.  If you are undetectable AND you are going to have protected sex, it seems to me the risk is zero.  He's got irrational fears.  Fair enough.  Does he really have all the facts?  Just from you or did he see them in print.  Or, ask him to talk to his doctor, or talk to yours, or talk to someone at a health service organisation or AIDS service. 
I've had a couple of relationships with HIV+ guys when I was HIV- and, just in my case of course, I didn't feel enough fear, or any really, to prevent me from having sex with someone I really liked.   
Have you discussed that perhaps fear of HIV is standing in for a different fear - fear of intimacy? Fear of love? 

Go for it for awhile, of course, but stand up for your right to be sexually fulfilled.  Personally I wouldn't let this withholding in terms of sex go on for too too long.  It doesn't bode well at the beginning of any relationship, whatever the reason is for the withholding.

Welcome to the forums. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline gerry69

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  • Posts: 23
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2011, 05:15:24 PM »
It has taken you two years for you to get to a place where you are willing to poke your head out and start
dating again -- Taking that into consideration I am sure you can understand the reasons it may take him a little longer to as CaptCarl says develop the trust to get involved with someone with HIV. If you can communicate with one another and work through the road blocks in a respectful way you could end up with something really good for both of you. 

And while the focus at the moment is on the fact you are sero-discordant with improvements in treatment it is entirely possible that you might end up being faced with caring for and possibly losing him rather then the other way around ---

My partner and I are sero-discordant and my health issues over the years as the positive partner have been far less challenging then his have been --

Never could I have imagined that I would be in a situation where the roles as initially envisioned have been at times completely reversed.

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Offline liketheboat

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2011, 08:07:37 PM »
I am also finding myself in starting a relationship with someone is is HIV negative. I think that my fears have surpassesd his in the area of fearing of infecting him. I am undetectable, and know that the rist is really low, espically with the use of condoms. I am really lucky that he is a thearpist that focues on LGBT issues, and serves on a couple of state wide boards for HIV/STD preventnion and treatment. i wish you all the luch in your new realtinship.
Aaron
Memorial Day 2010 Seroconverted
Labor Day 2010 tested positive
Oct 2010 cd4 359 vl 6,500
Dec 2010 cd4 vl 306
Jan 2011 started Atripla
Feb 2011 cd4 250 vl ud
April 2011 cd4 399 vl ud
June 2011 cd4 293 vl ud
October 2011 cd4 354 vl ud
March 2012 cd4 561 vl ud

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 4,387
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2011, 11:31:45 PM »
This guy sounds like a sweetheart.  I'm a romantic at heart and believe love does overcome all.  HIV isn't the only issue that defines you.  You've passed the first immediate obstacle that many HIV+ men face and he didn't run.  Don't accept someone in your heart just because they accepted your status.  Continue on the path of knowing each other and weighing all the other things in a relationship that causes failures and produces successes.  If this is the one, you'll find out soon enough.  If not, then it's better to find out early. 

Then the sex, if the relationship progresses to your satisfaction, the love making will be the most incredible ever.  Anyone can give their body, it takes love to give every core of yourself and is totally worth it.  Have you discussed  other sexual activities?  Once he studies the no risk of oral, maybe you can rock his world that way?  To start with ;D
productivity breeds content

Offline bxrican

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2011, 08:03:37 PM »
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!
  The challenges are still there but we really are going to try our best to make it work.
Thanx for your Support and words
Love & Light!

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,488
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2011, 03:22:26 AM »
From reading the thread I think you should try to make it work often and in as many places as possible. Have Fun
t
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline red_Dragon888

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  • Posts: 2,811
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2011, 05:07:47 PM »
good luck.  life is never easy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline bxrican

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2011, 09:48:34 PM »
Thanx you guys BUT we broke up. He's just too scared of me.  :(
Thank you for all your support!

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,251
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Starting a Relationship with someone who's Neg
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2011, 07:41:02 AM »
I'm sorry to hear that.
But, its the vibe I got about him.  I know you can find someone who will be cool with HIV and that's what you deserve, as do all of us.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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