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Author Topic: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!  (Read 2655 times)

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Offline PaulinNJ

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Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« on: July 24, 2010, 05:58:29 AM »
I have been going to three good therapists over the last 10 years and about a year ago, a set of events were put in motion that made me feel alone and very lonely for a very long time (a year now). I have isolated myself to a good degree...I've lost a lot in these past 5-6 years...an ex-bf who verbally and physically abused me (one chance is all you get!) while he proudly struts his halo to everyone else...he even had my Mom convinced I "double crossed" him (whatever that means). That fence is mended with my Mom - I lived across the country when he led her on and while phone talk is OK, my Mom and I are close...and he still comes up inn conversation occasionally.
But that's a past issue (Yes, I know...why have I ranted about "Damien Thorne if I am over it...lol)...my therapist has told me he is amazed at how well I have handled things (loss of friends. possessions, self-respect to a small degree...)...and I am a very strong man...the kind of loyal friend others come to when a shoulder or ear are needed...yet, the catalyst here began the day I turned 50. It's a number. I know that. But not one freakin' person except my Mom and cousin even acknowledged me. I organized a dinner with several people when I lived in AZ (NJ now) and coordinated through a "friend" -- I didn't want a fuss...all I wanted was a good steak and good company. And don't even sing off key to me! lol
The day came. No one but Mom and cousin Steph called me. I've had some pretty crap birthdays and some great ones, but this milestone sucked. Was I stubborn for not initiating the calling circle and re-making dinner plans? Screw that. By 8 PM (I lived in AZ at the time) I was in the hot tub, by 10 PM I went to bed.
So, that began my funk. Moved back to NJ, living at my Mom's house, hated by my siblings because I'm a "mooch" and am "worthless" (their hate not mine)...I have a duckback. Slips right off. But I have a breaking point too. If you prick me, do I not bleed? Or are they simply pricks?
It's taking me a long time to get back up - I only hinted at the beginnings of my road down. I love me and although I think many of us have thought what it would be like if we were not here (George Bailey), I would never go that far...or if I ever DID lose it enough, I'd get my ass to an ER fast.
I am beginning to explore living/housing options (like there are any) and trying to move forward, yet I feel like I am moving in slo-mo. Finances suck on disability (I live in one of the richest counties in the US yet, I can't afford gas for my 20 year old truck many times), I LOVE my Mom and help her out as much as I can physically, financially...yet when my siblings question why I need to spend $20 on myself for a pair of shorts (It's time to retire the funky ones, OK?) and underwear (Mom let that cat out of the bag because I also spent $100 on goods for the house i.e. TP etc)...WTF??? My Mom admits it was depressing for HER to hear "Well, why does he need that?" from my ignorant, selfish, rich, rude siblings. I don't care wtf they have to say...I just have a breaking point and am beyond the worst part of this funk...but I still feel isolated and alone despite efforts to "get out there".
Can anyone maybe relate? Thanks!
Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline BT65

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Re: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2010, 06:00:18 PM »
Well Paul, as you know, you can't change other people (unfortunately).  Only your reaction to what they say/do.  Just keep going, do what's going to keep you healthy, and happy.  And do nice things for your mom, also. :)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2010, 06:18:26 PM »
I know it is difficult to not allow that stuff to bother you.  I also know from experience here with my mom that when you move back in with family, they make it their business to get into your business.  I do miss my independence that I gave up when I moved here. 

Mom needs me here because of her macular degeneration issues (she cant see very well).  I am doing a lot for her these days but nothing ever seems to be good enough.  I need her too as I was in such a financial mess that things were heading downhill fast.  Its tough at times and I just bite my tongue so as to avoid an argument.

I dont think my brother hates me being here, if anything, he does not have to come over as much now and deal with things since I have been back.  He does from time to time shoot those little 'daggers' that translate into some borderline resentment about me not working at the moment.  Hell, I sold him my Nissan Xterra for next to nothing when I was trying to raise money to pay back my medical bills.  I think the main thing I am trying to convey to you is that its the price we pay for being back home.  We both gave up a lot Paul, I lost a LOT too.  What we gained was life in a more secure place.  It does come with a price though.  Just my thoughts.

Offline PaulinNJ

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Re: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2010, 11:26:10 PM »
BT ( ya don't mind if I call ya 'sweetie' do ya? 'Cause ya are!) and "Hope" -- thanks. Relating is what some of us do best, and Hope, while my Mom and I rarely "go at it", she is the only biological family I have. Yes, I have two brothers and a sister (and one brother is gay...not that there's anything wrong with that...lol...I am gay but my oldest brother is REALLY GAY!!!...but when I finally told my gay brother my diagnosis of AIDS a few years ago ( the original diagnosis of AIDS stays with us for Ryan White purposes...whatever.... then of @ 120 CD4...which is 90-1100 now depending on the day, and undetect (can we start a trend here and call it "UD" or something? Oh, let's have a game!!!) ...not bad since I began with lower CDs-- and that was a gift horse)...But I digress as BT knows I tend to do...sorry)...

Hope, it makes you a better person for biting your tongue, H. I have and do...but I had a break about 4-5 months ago with the woman my mother's 'straight' son married and made two kids with. (Yes, I could make it simple and say 'brother' but anyone who freakin' wants me to sign a 10 page contract and sign over full power of attorney and complete control over my life and my monthly SSD is an A**HOLE! Last time I saw those people was when my Dad died in 2002. Oh, I just re-read that and do I sound angry? "Anger is not a negative emotion, it's what you do with it that is positive or negative"...is it sad that that is a quote from Star Trek:The Next Generation? LOL

This couple has made millions yet for all the "stuff" they possess, money can't buy you karma or knowledge or awareness in particular necessarily.

Well, 4-5 months ago I was sitting listening to my Mom's conversation with this woman (M) and Mom trying to answer questions and stuttering while that *%@*^ is grilling her with questions about me, my finances, what and when I give her money...after the second time in a few months of this, I finally picked up the phone in another room and talked to "M" for the first time in eight years (hey I just realized...her initials are "MT"!!! They have a different last name than I do...changed it years ago since having an Italian surname is considered low class) . I told her if she had questions about or for me, to stop harassing my Mom and ask me directly and I would feel free to tell her it's none of her/their  business. And why was my brother (N) such a coward that he could not call me or Mom and ask this s**t himself. She thought Mom had hung up on the living room phone and proceeded to tell me to get a job, I have two arms and two legs, I can work, I am a 'mooch, I am worthless. I let her have her say and then after all these years, let her have it.


I asked if "N" (the bio bro) had shared my disclosure with her--  "M" (I did so around 2004 as the family rumor mill was in full swing -- and dysfunctional people love to try and pull others into their dysfunction! That's when the war of words hit....worthless and so on. I finally mentioned the word "AIDS" and asked if she knew the difference between AIDS and HIV..."Well, that's beside the point!" -- HUNH? So , after her rant, and knowing Mom was still on the line, I told her for all their millions, that they were still ignorant and then said:

"Can I ask you one question?"

She said, "What?"

I asked her, "Why are you such a bitch? You are so miserable that you think you can make others miserable to feel good about yourself."

She hung up. Coward.

When I came back into the Living Room Mom had her head in her hands (All Moms want their kids to get along)...

I said to my Mom, "I'm sorry but I had to say something."

Mom surprised me...usually she tries to talk it out or whatever...but Mom said, "You have nothing to apologize for!".

I just looked at her and said, "Thank you!"

Mom later told me she was shocked at how "M" talked to me and what she said. I felt like asking Mom how she became so blinded by this *()^$$#^ -- was it her beauty. But like you H, I bit my tongue. My therapist when I told him how great it felt to go off on her said, "Paul, it is a language that is the only language some people understand."

Wow. "Rich" people (well, money rich not "blessed with awareness and friends rich") can be so damned miserable even with all the "stuff" they have that they want others to be miserable too? It is what it is. If I had millions, I believe I would wish to be wise and not buy foolishly but make those I care about (and I am my own Number One) happy - whatever that means to them. Hmmmm. Food for my own think-tank...what is my happiness. To write that book and get it publised? To paint (acrylic on canvas) again for the first time in 20+ years? YES!

I really want to thank you both for posting. Is it me or has my original thread post been largely ignored? I'm not upset about that, it's just that I know I tend to ramble, but I have studied in Journalism and have been told I am a very good writer (once so  judged by a national sports writer based on a letter I had written and he was asked by his wife to proof read it).

As BT knows I have tended to be in and out of this site the past few years so I suspect that post responses tend to go to those who are more active or depends on what the post is about. God(dess) knows, "Mental Health" can be a compared to a Disney Scaryland sometimes for us all....and make us puke on the Teacup ride...LOL

So, I have to get to bed and there is a mosquito in the house that is loving me...and my Mom...AHHHHHH!!! My son with AIDS and a mosquito in the same room! AHHHHHHHHH! LOL Actually, Mom is a smart lady. She saw "The Greg Louganis Story"! LOL

Off to bed. Again, hope I made some sense. I am tired after a few long, hot, humid, sweaty days here in the NYC area.

Sleep tight both.


Laugh often - the alternative ain't worth it!
"Ain't I a stinker?" -- Bugs Bunny
From 120 t's, shingles and high VL in 2001
To 1200+ t's and undetectable in 2007.
2010 remain undedect. and 1000 CD4.

Offline BT65

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,466
Re: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2010, 05:00:36 PM »
Paul, a lot of posts in the mental health area don't get a lot of responses.  I wouldn't worry about it.

Sorry about your brother's wife.  Yeah, the wealthier a lot of people get, the more down the shitter they got attitude wise.  Just something else to deal, or not, with.  Like I said, just keep going.  I hope you paint again soon.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline PeteNYNJ

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  • When life gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS!
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Re: Having a very hard time getting out of this funk!
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2010, 03:08:05 AM »
your brother's wife is a big fat C.U.Next.Tuesday!   She is probably more concerned about how much money will be left when your mother passes than how much you are a "mooch".  I have found that, in almost every case, the "rich" folks in my family were in ridiculous debt or hoarders who were never happy.  Appearances are just that, remember that.

I am in NJ too if you ever want to meet up for a coffee or something, just to vent.  I will pay :)



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