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Author Topic: I think my dad just found out about my status...  (Read 3754 times)

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Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Posts: 418
  • Let's make biscuits!
I think my dad just found out about my status...
« on: July 19, 2010, 12:22:05 AM »
Dad:  So are you in school?

WTF:  Naw, I decided to take the summer off.

Dad:  Why'd you do that?  I thought you were ready to hit the ground running.

WTF:  I was kinda sick when registration time came around. 

Dad:  Thats kinda a strange time to be sick.  Was it the flu?

WTF:  Yeah, it was the flu.

Dad:  Thats kinda a strange time to get the flu.  Is it the kind of flu you get over?

WTF:  Ummmm...

Dad:  Are you doing better now? 

WTF:  Yeah, I'm doing better now. 

Dad:  Well, thats whats important.  Maybe some day...maybe some day you'll come see my new house.

WTF:  Yeah dad, I'd like that. 

Does anyone have better ways to facilitate the issue with parents?
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2010, 12:35:11 AM »
This is of course missing inflection and diction, but that conversation seems fairly ordinary.

Offline wtfimpoz

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2010, 12:53:55 AM »
ARGH!  He just called back and asked to make sure that "I'd really tell him if i were sick, right"?  Way to backtrack from reality.  I said "yeah, I'd tell you if i were really sick".  Any more constructive models for handling it than "I got fucked by a guy in a bathhouse, not sure exactly how I got it, but the result seems to be a case of the butt flu".
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline max123

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2010, 12:57:32 AM »
hey wtf,

would your dad have any reason to suspect hiv, does he have any tendencies to be overbearing/overprotective or do you perhaps think that maybe you're just hypersensitive because of your new diagnosis?

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2010, 01:05:59 AM »
hey wtf,

would your dad have any reason to suspect hiv, does he have any tendencies to be overbearing/overprotective or do you perhaps think that maybe you're just hypersensitive because of your new diagnosis?

max

Yeah, he's overbearing and overprotective and likely to jump to the conclusion as he knows I'm gay and have been rather promiscuous.  I think everyone who knows me has a pretty good idea that SOMETHING has come up.  Socially, I've gone from Prom King to Trenchcoat Maffia overnight.  Facebook page has blown up wiht people wanting to know where I'm at.  Cell phone gets 4-5 texts a day from people wanting to know where I've disappeared to.  Mom called me the other day, hurt that I don't ever call her any more.  Its true, I hadn't called her in 2 weeks.  usually, she gets 2-3 calls a week.  Random people from high school have tracked me down, just to see what the heck has happened.  A "work friend" (not social, just work) insists on taking every break with me and asks "whats wrong".  I'm getting worried about alienating everyone, but can't bring myself to talk to them.

I'm really not dealing with the diagnosis well.   Probably another topic.
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline max123

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  • Carpe Diem
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2010, 01:26:27 AM »
yeah that's unfortunate when a parent is like that, but if your diagnosis is having that much of an effect on your day to day living to the point of recoil, i agree, maybe you're not handling your diagnosis well. and that's okay, just make sure you get appropriate counseling so that this all doesn't consume you.

an aside, so you haven't registered for school, or spoken to your mom in 2 weeks and haven't yet seen your dad's new place. i was under the impression that you were living with your parents and had already graduated school:

I tested poz a month and a half ago.  Since then, I've endured my longest spell without sex in my adult life.  I actually just broke past the 5 weeks I endured after briefly moving back in with my parents after graduating college.

help me out here...i'm a little confused   ???
« Last Edit: July 19, 2010, 01:28:56 AM by max123 »
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline Hellraiser

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  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2010, 01:39:27 AM »
Read the whole sentence and you answer yourself.  I was under the same impression.

Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2010, 01:50:39 AM »
Read the whole sentence and you answer yourself.  I was under the same impression.

Moving back with my parents was a "brief period"...from summer of 04 to summer of 05.  My father was referring to a graduate program I'm enrolled in.  I already graduated college some time ago. 

As for counseling, anyone have any suggestions for finding one that isn't just gonna enable me to blame friends and family for everythign thats wrong in my life?  Its been my experience that they do that. 
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline max123

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  • Carpe Diem
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2010, 01:53:00 AM »
oh i see, well that clarifies things.

well, personally i would recommend either speaking with a school counselor or maybe one at your local aso. just go in with an open mind and speak truthfully. i would have a hard time imagining that any counselor would blame your hiv on your parents or friends. frankly, that's your baby and one that you have to work through, as we all have.

so tell me a little about your graduate program. that's great that it's offered over the summer.

max
« Last Edit: July 19, 2010, 02:03:55 AM by max123 »
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Online Matty the Damned

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2010, 01:54:14 AM »
Just tell your father. Face to face is best, but a heartfelt letter can also be good.

It sounds like he's concerned about you and, unless he's Fred Phelps, I'm pretty sure he's going to cope.

MtD

Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Posts: 418
  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2010, 02:18:31 AM »
Right on Matty, probably the only way to do it.
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline wtfimpoz

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  • Let's make biscuits!
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2010, 02:38:15 AM »
oh i see, well that clarifies things.

well, personally i would recommend either speaking with a school counselor or maybe one at your local aso. just go in with an open mind and speak truthfully. i would have a hard time imagining that any counselor would blame your hiv on your parents or friends. frankly, that's your baby and one that you have to work through, as we all have.

so tell me a little about your graduate program. that's great that it's offered over the summer.

max

My graduate program is business school.  There are a few different areas I'd like to move into, and an MBA is kinda a necessity for advancement in the field im in.  Plus, my undergrad degree was in sociology, and its getting old having to sell interviewers on it.  I actually made the decision to get an MBA after I interviewed for a job and the interviewer made some stupid crack about how my degree doesn't have anything to do with what we do.  Somehow, I resisted the urge to point out that she's been known to hire people who didn't even finish college, vomit directly on her face, crap in my hand and smear it on the walls while screaming profanity.  Instead, I smiled politely and coughed out some bullshit about how the fundamental concepts behind what I learned are universal, and that my professional record speaks more to my career dedication than a few classes at school ever could.  She still didn't give me the job.  I'm not crazy, I'm just frusterated :)

As for the degree itself, its marvelously flexible.  Classes for most business programs are held at all times, including evening and weekends, summers too.  The degree is supposed to work as a brige to something better, and i've met some really interesting people to network with.  The professors have been intelligent and interesting, and there is a lot of diversity amongst everyone.  Are you considering graduate school?  I have friends who've done most grad programs.  I did a brief stint in law school, and have much less positive things to say about that.     
 
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline tednlou2

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2010, 02:45:22 AM »
I wish ya the best if you do tell him.  When he asked if it was the kinda flu you'd get over, that seemed like he was talking about HIV.  Maybe he is giving you an opening to tell him.  Many dads, moms too sometimes, want to avoid the whole topic.  I suppose it would have let you know what his reaction would be if he said, "If you are sick with something, you know I'm here for you."  But, we can't expect our parents to be perfect and say all the right things.  Maybe with more conversation, he would have said that.

Offline Dachshund

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2010, 05:45:14 AM »
Yeah, he's overbearing and overprotective and likely to jump to the conclusion as he knows I'm gay and have been rather promiscuous.  

It doesn't sound like he would be surprised. It sounds like he's concerned and has given you an opening to discuss it. Get it out of the way, it will make things so much easier.

Offline eric48

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #14 on: July 19, 2010, 06:00:07 AM »
Hi,

If your dad had a kind of disease that he is very hopefull he can fight/control/live with (such as prostate cancer that nowadays has a good prognosis) Do you think he would worry his kids with that ?

Putting emotional stress on others in other in hope to relieve one's emotional stress is not an adult attitude

Tell your dad you are doing fine, go and visit him and ask HIM about HIS health (maybe HE is in trouble...)

Cheers

Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 3 months (2013: FOTO= 5d. ON 2d. OFF)

Online Matty the Damned

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #15 on: July 19, 2010, 06:34:59 AM »
Hi,

If your dad had a kind of disease that he is very hopefull he can fight/control/live with (such as prostate cancer that nowadays has a good prognosis) Do you think he would worry his kids with that ?

Putting emotional stress on others in other in hope to relieve one's emotional stress is not an adult attitude

Tell your dad you are doing fine, go and visit him and ask HIM about HIS health (maybe HE is in trouble...)

Cheers

Eric

Well yes. That's what families do. They share their problems with each other. A burden shared is a burden halved.

I'm sure your advice is well intentioned but it's wrong.

MtD

Offline bocker3

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #16 on: July 19, 2010, 07:53:26 AM »
Hi,

If your dad had a kind of disease that he is very hopefull he can fight/control/live with (such as prostate cancer that nowadays has a good prognosis) Do you think he would worry his kids with that ?

Putting emotional stress on others in other in hope to relieve one's emotional stress is not an adult attitude

Tell your dad you are doing fine, go and visit him and ask HIM about HIS health (maybe HE is in trouble...)

Cheers

Eric

Actually, my Dad DID just go through prostate cancer and I'm glad he did share with me.  You see -- like the Damned Ones said -- families are there to support each other (yes, I know some aren't so supportive, but most are).
What ADULTS actually do is NOT rationalize unhealthy behavior into something appropriate.  Keeping things bottled up inside when you have supportive family and friends is definitely not appropriate for your own health.

Hey WTF--  I agree, sounds like your Dad may be trying to send a message that he's concerned.  If, as you say, he might already suspect -- then tell him.  One would think that if he would "shun" you for having HIV, he probably wouldn't be out fishing for the info.

As for how to tell him?  Just the facts -- no judgement.  "Dad, I tested positive for HIV".  Then go on to tell him what you are doing around insuring good health, etc.  Whenever someone asks me "How I got it." I always reply, that I don't use needles, haven't had any blood transfusions, so I guess I got it the same way milllions of others have gotten it -- and I leave it at that.  They sometimes then ask, do you know who?  My response to that is -- "it isn't important".  Again -- focus on facts and not judgements.

I did feel so much better once I told those closest to me.  You'll be able to stop avoiding them!

Good luck -- whatever you do.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline HippieLady

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #17 on: July 19, 2010, 08:56:19 AM »

Hi wtf,

I am new to this as well, I tested poz on April 30th of this year.  It took me about a month to tell my mom and I think the reason it took that long is that we live so far apart.  I wanted to tell her face to face, mainly so she could see with her own eyes that I was ok and healthy.  So she could hug me and feel that I was there and ok.  The main reason I told her over the phone instead of waiting was that IF something happened to me in the meantime, I didn't want my parents to be in the dark.  I am a mother to 3 children.  As a mother I would be devastated if I thought my children felt they couldn't tell me something.  I would want to be there for them and offer all the support I was able to offer.  That is how I was raised.  My family is always there for each other.

I think your dad may know on some level or suspect something is awry.  He's probably worried just like most any other parent would be.  I'm not saying you need to tell but if it's something you feel you should do, then do it.  It was a huge relief when I told my mom. 

Best of luck to you
~Hippie
~Katie~
Diagnosed HIV+ April 30, 2010

Current CD4-638  VL-UD  11/2013

Offline David_CA

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #18 on: July 19, 2010, 09:17:52 AM »
You could do what I did.  I waited 'til I was REALLY sick to tell my parents / family.  I was in the hospital with PCP pneumonia one level up from the ICU for 8 days.  I'd have to say that's NOT the ideal time to disclose one's status to family members.  On the other hand, all the oxygen I was on (I could barely breathe without it) made me feel so good - high, actually - that it was relatively easy to talk about HIV. 
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Nestor

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #19 on: July 19, 2010, 09:49:42 AM »
Dad:  So are you in school?

WTF:  Naw, I decided to take the summer off.

Dad:  Why'd you do that?  I thought you were ready to hit the ground running.

WTF:  I was kinda sick when registration time came around. 

Dad:  Thats kinda a strange time to be sick.  Was it the flu?

WTF:  Yeah, it was the flu.

Dad:  Thats kinda a strange time to get the flu.  Is it the kind of flu you get over?

WTF:  Ummmm...

Dad:  Are you doing better now? 

WTF:  Yeah, I'm doing better now. 

Dad:  Well, thats whats important.  Maybe some day...maybe some day you'll come see my new house.

WTF:  Yeah dad, I'd like that. 

Does anyone have better ways to facilitate the issue with parents?

That "is it the kind of flu you get over?" sounds to me very much as if he in fact knows already.  What kind of flu does one not get over? 

I think that when most parents find out their child is gay, the child getting HIV is already going to be in the back of their minds.  In fact, when I told my mother I was gay, the first thing she said was that she didn't mind except for two things: that she wouldn't have grandchildren, and that she was afraid of my getting AIDS (this was 1994).  So I suspect that the parent of a gay son, already living with that fear, does not have very far to go in drawing conclusions when that son in fact mentions an illness. 

The "maybe someday you'll come see my new house" means "Please visit me more often!"  He sounds like a decent father from the bit you've told us!   

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline max123

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #20 on: July 19, 2010, 09:59:47 AM »
My graduate program is business school.  There are a few different areas I'd like to move into, and an MBA is kinda a necessity for advancement in the field im in.  Plus, my undergrad degree was in sociology, and its getting old having to sell interviewers on it.  I actually made the decision to get an MBA after I interviewed for a job and the interviewer made some stupid crack about how my degree doesn't have anything to do with what we do.  Somehow, I resisted the urge to point out that she's been known to hire people who didn't even finish college, vomit directly on her face, crap in my hand and smear it on the walls while screaming profanity.  Instead, I smiled politely and coughed out some bullshit about how the fundamental concepts behind what I learned are universal, and that my professional record speaks more to my career dedication than a few classes at school ever could.  She still didn't give me the job.  I'm not crazy, I'm just frusterated :)

As for the degree itself, its marvelously flexible.  Classes for most business programs are held at all times, including evening and weekends, summers too.  The degree is supposed to work as a brige to something better, and i've met some really interesting people to network with.  The professors have been intelligent and interesting, and there is a lot of diversity amongst everyone.  Are you considering graduate school?  I have friends who've done most grad programs.  I did a brief stint in law school, and have much less positive things to say about that.     
 

that's awesome. it sounds like you've got your professional plan all spelled out for yourself. that's an important thing to keep up with. carrying out your goals, and maybe even setting new ones, will help you feel good about yourself and help you realize that life most certainly can and does go on post-diagnosis. the flexibility of your program should help you accomplish this.

as for me, yes i'm starting grad school (medical) in about a month. i got my diagnosis just about a year ago and just before i was to work on getting my academic applications in. no doubt, it was probably one of the hardest things i was ever faced with. but, i took a long and hard look at the situation, learned a lot from my counselor/docs and the folks on this forum... and got my apps in on time. ultimately, i was accepted to three schools. the take home lesson: any and all things are possible.

regarding your dad, all here have given gr8 advice. follow your instincts and definitely follow up with counseling. a poz diagnosis is an incredibly stressful thing and there are those trained to help you work through it emotionally.

max

1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline WillyWump

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #21 on: July 19, 2010, 11:09:37 AM »
I agree with the others..

"is it the kind of flu you get over?"  is a VERY telling lead and IMHO indicates your dad has thought about HIV+you and perhaps is prepared to deal with you telling him you are HIV+, especially since you stated he knows you are gay and knows you have been promiscous.

Perhaps you should "go see his new house" and have a good 'ol father son talk, it sounds like he may turn out to be a good support avenue for you, which you need right now.

Of course, It's possible I'm wrong in my assesment, but it would be an anomoly as Ive only been wrong once before in my life :)

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline wtfimpoz

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #22 on: July 19, 2010, 11:45:00 AM »
that's awesome. it sounds like you've got your professional plan all spelled out for yourself. that's an important thing to keep up with. carrying out your goals, and maybe even setting new ones, will help you feel good about yourself and help you realize that life most certainly can and does go on post-diagnosis. the flexibility of your program should help you accomplish this.

as for me, yes i'm starting grad school (medical) in about a month. i got my diagnosis just about a year ago and just before i was to work on getting my academic applications in. no doubt, it was probably one of the hardest things i was ever faced with. but, i took a long and hard look at the situation, learned a lot from my counselor/docs and the folks on this forum... and got my apps in on time. ultimately, i was accepted to three schools. the take home lesson: any and all things are possible.

regarding your dad, all here have given gr8 advice. follow your instincts and definitely follow up with counseling. a poz diagnosis is an incredibly stressful thing and there are those trained to help you work through it emotionally.

max



CONGRATS on medical school.  You must be a very strong person to have held it together and still gotten accepted.  You'll make a great doc!  Are you fresh out of college or did you work in something else first?Do you know what you want to specialize in? 

Thanks for theadvice.  Its quit reassuring.  To a large extent,I want to get my resistance tests back, know my labs and maybe even start treatment before I start telling them.  I'd prefer to speak with confidence when I announce that I'm going to be ok.  My dad is, in a lot of ways, a really good guy.  I don't know if him hearing "i've tested positive for the HIV virus" is going to affect him the same way that subtle and nuanced conversatinos though do. 
09/01/2009-neg
mid april, 2010, "flu like illness".
06/01/2010-weakly reactive ELISA, indeterminant WB
06/06/2010-reactive ELISA, confirmed positive.

DATE       CD4     %     VL
07/15/10  423     33    88k
08/28/10  489     19    189k
09/06/10-Started ATRIPLA
09/15/10  420     38    1400
11/21/10  517     25    51

Offline max123

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #23 on: July 19, 2010, 12:58:39 PM »
CONGRATS on medical school.  You must be a very strong person to have held it together and still gotten accepted.  You'll make a great doc!  Are you fresh out of college or did you work in something else first?Do you know what you want to specialize in? 

Thanks for theadvice.  Its quit reassuring.  To a large extent,I want to get my resistance tests back, know my labs and maybe even start treatment before I start telling them.  I'd prefer to speak with confidence when I announce that I'm going to be ok.  My dad is, in a lot of ways, a really good guy.  I don't know if him hearing "i've tested positive for the HIV virus" is going to affect him the same way that subtle and nuanced conversatinos though do. 

thanks wtf. strong? i guess, but what i liken it to more than anything is that i'm not the kind of dude that gives up...i'm relentless lol. honestly and as said, it was an very difficult time but with the help of my support network, i got through it. you will too.

i'm currently thinking internal med, but i have a couple of years in which to firm up my direction decisions. and no, i'm not fresh out of school. i've been in the medical field for awhile and enjoyed it immensely, but always had my dream spelled out for myself and decided to go for it. last thing that i was planning on after making that decision was a poz diagnosis but you know what, shit happens.

i like your plan to speak with concreteness. it's the only way to responsibly, lessen the blow when you do disclose to your parents and let them know that you're gonna be ok.

good luck with your resistance tests and again as others have advised you of in other posts, don't feel like you have to rush right onto the overwhelming in itself meds bandwagon. it's important to remember that hiv is essentially a slow progressing disease and that you will likely have the opportunity to take the required time to educate yourself, get comfortable wearing your new skin and thoroughly evaluate your particular situation, e.g. establish a documented trend of your numbers. all in time, my friend.... set your priorities and the rest will work out. many here are living proof of that fact.

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline eric48

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2010, 03:28:32 PM »
know my labs and maybe even start treatment before I start telling them. 

Good idea ! visit him and if this comes into conversation you can tell him with confidence that everything is under control. If it were me I would not like to be told over the phone because after you've hanged up he is gone to worry for you. do what you have to do you with lab/treatment/decisions ; Go visit, see how it goes

As for telling families/friends, etc. I guess there are 2 clads of people : those for and those against. Pretty much like coming out. I'm just old fashioned and stay with the NO disclose group. But that is everyone's call
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 3 months (2013: FOTO= 5d. ON 2d. OFF)

Offline Joe K

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2010, 03:39:35 PM »
I will not tell you what to do, however I can tell you what your father wants and needs. Given what you describe, I think you have a good relationship with him, so let me help you understand what he is asking. He is your father, you are his son and as a parent, there is nothing more important than the health and safety of our children. Whether he suspects your status or not, the issue here is: are you ready to tell him and accept his help, because I assure you that he is more than ready to be there for you. For me, the thought that my own daughter, would not share something so serious, would be heartbreaking. Of course it won't be easy, on either of you, but being there, when family is needed most, is what parents do.

Please don't underestimate the love your father has for you, and how that love will translate into the support that you so desperately seek. All he wants to know, is that you are OK and he deserves to know, because that is what children do for parents. Your father will never be ready, to hear the news of your status, but he will accept it and move on. The only question you need to answer, is how long are you going to wait, so that you can both move through the acceptance of your infection? Trust me, he is ready when you are.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2010, 03:53:49 PM by killfoile »

Offline David_CA

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2010, 04:46:19 PM »
Adding to what Joe (Killfoile) said... I mentioned that my parents found out when I was sick in the hospital.  That was about 8 months after my HIV diagnosis.  A couple of years ago, I was talking to my mom about it and how not being able to discuss it with her was causing me to have anxiety issues.  Her biggest problem with my diagnosis, after knowing I was getting better and on meds, was that I felt that I couldn't tell her about it.  She understands that I had to adjust to it myself before I could talk about it to her, but to this day, I still wish I'd disclosed sooner.
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline LonelyNEastKY

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2010, 03:17:26 PM »
I found out that I was Positive when I was diagnosed with Cancer. Unlike David here, My mom was with me when the doctor broke the news!  ??? It wasn't how I wanted it to go down but that's the way the cookie crumbles! Fortunately for me my mother is a kind, loving, supportive mom. She's has been there for me through many stupid childish escapades that brought a lot of pain to her through the years. But still she supports me and stands by me when no one else was there! I am truly gifted in the fact that I have her for a mother and I thank God EVERY day for having her as my mother. She is the ONLY woman in my life that I can count on. Just for an example, I was dating this girl from Florida, we have known each other all of our lives and after many years of separation our lives crossed paths again last year. Now, when our paths crossed I knew then that I was Positive. I hid it from her for several months. I didn't feel the need to tell her about it because at the time we were many miles apart and we weren't engaging in sex. Well, low and behold she decided that she wanted to come and visit. Before she came to my home I broke down in tears one night while on the phone with her and told her of my situation. At that time she told me that she loved me and that she felt that we were even more closer now than we had ever been. She came to visit and we had an amazing time! I thought that I had found the one person that I could confide in and everything was going to be picture perfect and that we would spend the rest of our lives together a and raise our kids up together. She has 2 and I have 1 both from previous marriages. After her visit and she went back home about 2 weeks after, she started explaining to me about how scared she was to be with me and that she couldn't take the chance of becoming infected too, because her kids had no one else in their life to take care of them but her and she couldn't and wouldn't take the chance of becoming infected or take the chance of ME infecting her children! Like I would do anything to harm her or her children! I love this woman and thought that she was the ONE! So, I asked her if she just wanted to call everything off and call it quits with our relationship? With out a blink of hesitation she said YES! I was devastated! I had FINALLY taken the leap and told someone else of my status and was left completely out in the cold by the one woman that I thought loved me unconditionally. Therefore I will never try to find love again! The pain in loving someone and then they run out on you when you needed them the most is way, way too much to deal with! That hurt me more than my ex-wife sleeping with my uncle. I feel like I am all alone out there in the world and I am totally afraid to confide in anyone. Anyone that can me some words of wisdom and possibly guide me in the right direction to find someone that I can confide in and love unconditionally and will love me back in the same way? I have a huge heart and love everyone! I have no enemies! My only enemy is fear and the un-education of others. I have been Positive for 3 years now and am taking my daily meds my CD4 count is 369 and my viral load is continually undetectable. I just want to be loved by someone, female or male! Just the opportunity to feel again the feelings that I had before I became infected. To feel like I am loved and the ability to return that love! I can handle the infection and living with HIV, but the real problem is that I don't really think that I can handle living all alone. My child lives with me and I have full custody. However if certain people found out that I was positive they would more than likely try to take my child away from me. My child is the only thing in my life that is a sure  thing of having pure unconditional love. I know I can't put all of that on my child one day they are going to go off into the world and have a life and family of their own and once again I will be alone. That's the one thing I DON'T think I can handle! I feel so alone in this! Can anyone help? How do I find TRUE love again after this? I find it extremely hard to trust anyone after this!

Offline littleprince

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  • Posts: 201
Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2010, 03:37:59 PM »
I think the best option is to just to not think about how to tell your parents... just do it. You'll end up thinking about it for weeks (or years), better to get the hard bit over. In reality, it doesn't matter how you tell them, they will be knocked onto their ass for a bit. The more important part is to then make sure they understand and have accurate information.

In my case I knew for 2 weeks or so while waiting for confirmation tests. I was pretty much rock bottom in hospital so knew I would need some help to get back to normal health. The tests were confirmed one night by my Dr and my parents were visiting the next day so I just blurted it out. Best decision ever. I'm 32 but there's still nothing better than having your mum tell you that everything will be ok.

Offline Joe K

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2010, 04:39:17 PM »
I found out that I was Positive when I was diagnosed with Cancer. Unlike David here, My mom was with me when the doctor broke the news!  ??? It wasn't how I wanted it to go down but that's the way the cookie crumbles! Fortunately for me my mother is a kind, loving, supportive mom. She's has been there for me through many stupid childish escapades that brought a lot of pain to her through the years. But still she supports me and stands by me when no one else was there! I am truly gifted in the fact that I have her for a mother and I thank God EVERY day for having her as my mother. She is the ONLY woman in my life that I can count on. Just for an example, I was dating this girl from Florida, we have known each other all of our lives and after many years of separation our lives crossed paths again last year. Now, when our paths crossed I knew then that I was Positive. I hid it from her for several months. I didn't feel the need to tell her about it because at the time we were many miles apart and we weren't engaging in sex. Well, low and behold she decided that she wanted to come and visit. Before she came to my home I broke down in tears one night while on the phone with her and told her of my situation. At that time she told me that she loved me and that she felt that we were even more closer now than we had ever been. She came to visit and we had an amazing time! I thought that I had found the one person that I could confide in and everything was going to be picture perfect and that we would spend the rest of our lives together a and raise our kids up together. She has 2 and I have 1 both from previous marriages. After her visit and she went back home about 2 weeks after, she started explaining to me about how scared she was to be with me and that she couldn't take the chance of becoming infected too, because her kids had no one else in their life to take care of them but her and she couldn't and wouldn't take the chance of becoming infected or take the chance of ME infecting her children! Like I would do anything to harm her or her children! I love this woman and thought that she was the ONE! So, I asked her if she just wanted to call everything off and call it quits with our relationship? With out a blink of hesitation she said YES! I was devastated! I had FINALLY taken the leap and told someone else of my status and was left completely out in the cold by the one woman that I thought loved me unconditionally. Therefore I will never try to find love again! The pain in loving someone and then they run out on you when you needed them the most is way, way too much to deal with! That hurt me more than my ex-wife sleeping with my uncle. I feel like I am all alone out there in the world and I am totally afraid to confide in anyone. Anyone that can me some words of wisdom and possibly guide me in the right direction to find someone that I can confide in and love unconditionally and will love me back in the same way? I have a huge heart and love everyone! I have no enemies! My only enemy is fear and the un-education of others. I have been Positive for 3 years now and am taking my daily meds my CD4 count is 369 and my viral load is continually undetectable. I just want to be loved by someone, female or male! Just the opportunity to feel again the feelings that I had before I became infected. To feel like I am loved and the ability to return that love! I can handle the infection and living with HIV, but the real problem is that I don't really think that I can handle living all alone. My child lives with me and I have full custody. However if certain people found out that I was positive they would more than likely try to take my child away from me. My child is the only thing in my life that is a sure  thing of having pure unconditional love. I know I can't put all of that on my child one day they are going to go off into the world and have a life and family of their own and once again I will be alone. That's the one thing I DON'T think I can handle! I feel so alone in this! Can anyone help? How do I find TRUE love again after this? I find it extremely hard to trust anyone after this!

Hey Lonely,

It is considered improper to post something that is not a direct response to the Original Post (OP). We would like to get to know you and you should start your own thread or topic. Maybe a moderator will be so kind, as to split your response into your own thread. Welcome to the forums.

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: I think my dad just found out about my status...
« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2010, 05:56:59 PM »
Um, you know.... I'm a big believer in a one front war.

I think you have enough drama going on and I would evaluate the benefits and risks before breaching that front.

While we all want it to go well, there is always the possiblity that it won't... and right now you have enough on your plate with adjusting to your diagnosis, evaluating meds, and working through serodiscordant issues with your partner.  I'm drawing on this thread, others, and PM's in making that statement.

You have indicated that you are withdrawn from your social network and that suggests that you aren't done adjusting.  When things are back to normal or at least a few fires put out is when it will be a better time to work on this.

I am out to my mother about my HIV because I work with her.  Or rather she works for me.  My father and stepmother have not been told because I don't feel it's any of their business at this point.  My comfort level and solution doesn't necessarily work for others, and what I'm emphasizing here is that you do what is best for you.

As for counseling, I think an ASO would be ideal as they are experienced in HIV and disclosure issues.  HIV really is a special catbox with it's own treats.

At the end of the day, you are indeed Healthy.  You are not in a hospital, you are not unable to carry out your daily activities at will.  You are not incapacitated or disabled in anyway.  Yes, you do have a concern that mandates attention and care, but you are on the way to that.

Just play chess... and right now that pawn doesn't need to move.  There are more pressing issues at play.

I personally see life in rings.... and the innermost ring is myself, followed by my "nuclear family" which would be a partner, pets, household, followed by my family (brothers, sisters, parents), followed by extended family (do the math here.... anyone else of blood relation), My friends are next, followed by work, the friendly public, and the anonymous world.

I don't start a fire in an outer ring while I have one cooking in an inner ring.  Right now, it seems like you hae a fire in your first, second, and 5th rings.... self, nuclear, and friends.  I wouldn't go running with matches in the middle until you get some peace. 
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

 


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