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Author Topic: Depression...  (Read 2921 times)

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Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Depression...
« on: June 12, 2010, 08:27:18 AM »

step into my office...





First of all, I am sorry. I have been off grid dealing with ...things. Mostly, depression and anxiety attacks. I am now taking Wellbutrin added to Zoloft, and I still am not functioning correctly.


I have always heard of depression and did not understand it. You get sad, get mad and then glad. Right?
Well, that's the way it has always worked before. I seem to be stuck on sad. You have to die before you can start living: I saw that on TV the other night during a commercial. In the past four years since my first blood clot, I have 'died' about four times and I marvel that I am still here. I am meant to watch myself age and get old. HaHa-nanananabooboo. No outs for me.

Before you get all worried about me, I am in several doctors care and am doing my best to coordinate a sensible plan of action from information that I get from these various and assorted means of  instructions on just what is the best thing for Ronnie to do and get better. It's a control issue thing I have, after all, who knows better what is best for me, than me? and to keep the Universe from spinning off into a black hole, I balance this with the notion that I am also know to be my own worst enemy.

I now know that depression can lead to inaction. It immobilizes and freezes you up. I have faced many days in the past year with all the best intentions and plans of action, only to watch the shadows on the ceiling marking the passing of the Sun in it's rise and fall reminding me that it was morning, then noon and now night. The day is gone, and I have done nothing. After a heavy sigh, I resolve to do better in the morning and place my list of TODO's in a conspicuous place, so I won't forget that it did not get done in a timely manner.

I will attempt to fill you in on just what has brought me here to today, but, not today. Right now, Katie has awakened, and is currently suffering from an extremely bad case of celullitis that started with fever in both her legs and now has resolved to a localized area on her right thigh. I have been extremely cautious around her as Dr states that, yes, it is contagious, and no, I wouldn't want to get it.

Time to eat.  Today, we shall have our carefully portioned shares of my current rendition of Hamburger Helper. I have been doing something right in my interpretations from two dietitians and perusing countless pamphlets and websites, and have managed to lose 30 pounds.  Katie has also lost 30 pound, going from a size 6X to 3X...something which has made all involved, very happy.
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,053
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Depression...
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2010, 10:19:05 AM »
i'm glad you dropped back in to say hi though. ;D
It's been a long time and I was wondering and was worrying some too.

way to go, both of you, on the weight loss!

hugs!  :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Depression...
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2010, 12:32:03 PM »
Hi Ron
Hey....despite your depression and other problems,   you (and Katie) have lost 30 pounds!  That is just fantastic. 
Sorry to hear you have been going through (another) hard time.  We all understand.
Keep in touch.

Hugs Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,839
  • Vegas baby!
Re: Depression...
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2010, 07:41:40 PM »
Hey Ron,
  Sorry you're going through this depression.  It can definitely be debilitating.  Like the others said, it's absolutely terrific that you and Katie have lost 30 lbs each!  I'm jealous about that. 

I hope the doctors, and is there a therapist?, can help you get the blues under control, and soon on their way out.  Good luck.
  luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Depression...
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2010, 03:40:08 AM »

I had a good showing of Irises this year...






Mikie, Joel, Betty....heyheyhey...

Thank you, those lost 30 pounds were NOT easy and sometimes I wondered if the scales were possessed by an imp as sometimes I would appear to have lost an extravagant amount and then the next weigh in,  it was all back, but not past the 30 pounds lost marker.

My clothes certainly feel better on me, and I am wearing clothes that haven't seen the light of day in four years. Ditto, for Katie, who now can stand up and her legs will hold her now to where she can stand for longer than 3 seconds.

Betty, you are a sly one. I am seeing a psychiatrist, but not a therapist. I have a list to choose from and have progressed to actually selecting one, but have not called the number. I keep getting panic attacks: shortness of breath, can't think, going in circles, my stomach has butterflies, then I feel like I've been punched in the gut...shut down, immobilize, go to sleep.

I spend the majority of my time in the yard, gardening and sweating, which has helped decrease my edema. My foot and leg tend not to swell if I go out and sweat for at least one hour. Rainy days, I get the ugly reminder that I do have edema.

There is no help for my back, so I grunt, moan, groan, and sigh a lot.

I spent my birthday this year with my mother at a Laser Surgery Clinic. It seems that I have been in deep denial regarding the age of my mother, she is 73, as I seem to have a picture of her in my mind which is not real. I have noticed during the past two Holiday Family gatherings that she has seemed older and then must have immediately shut the door on that revelation.

It was when she would try to read something with not one, but two pair of glasses, one put on over the other, that I bravely broached the subject, and then, there we were having eye surgery performed. These things don't usually bother me as I spent a good seven years working at a Mental Health Mental Retardation Center for the State, but, nothing could prepare me for the helplessness of my own mom, post surgery. 

I was pretty shook up, but it was an outpatient affair and she did not appear to be in any pain, just minor irritation that was taken care of by eye drops. My anxiety grew as later that evening she was ready to watch some TV and put on her glasses and was confused as she could hardly see anything. Great, I thought, they've blinded my mother. She took off the glasses and looking up was able to see the TV across the room perfectly. In fact, she did not need her glasses any more.

Her whole world changed and she was very excited, and a little irritated at all the dust and dirt that had snuck in due to her failing eyesight. She is now more active than before and  still runs circles around me and anyone else who gets in her way. Any doubts I had about laser surgery were dispelled and now, if I get the chance (money) I will definitely check it out.

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline MarcoPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 396
Re: Depression...
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2010, 11:52:29 AM »
Ron,

Thanks for posting this.  You sound like you have an awesome sense of self awareness which can be extremely helpful with Depression.  Getting stuck at sad can be a real pain in the ass.  You've shown us all an important insight:  do something--anything positive.  Get moving and make a plan.

My own experience with Depression has me describing it as being hit by waves of sadness--some small ripples and then some overwhelming tidal waves that toss me around like a rag doll.  I've learned to focus on the space between the waves and with medication and support have become a better 'swimmer' :-)

Keep moving--keep swimming.

Thanks for popping back in and posting this for us.

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Depression...
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2010, 02:13:11 PM »
Exactly MarcoPoz,
I feel waves rippling through me when I come toe to toe with a major decision. I have found that I don't want to leave the safety net of my home anymore. I will got to appointments and do one stop shopping at Walmart....and that's about it for the willing and able to's. Everything else that invades the safety of my established routine turns into an ordeal.

Watching TV and crying at every thing , even stupid commercials, was what drove me to seek help. I can now watch TV except for that Hallmark channel which can tear me up, rip my heart out and leave absolutely exhausted.

I found myself at the dentist last month , rocking back and forth and so nervous that I had to keep talking myself into waiting just one more minute...fighting the urge to get up and run. But I had to stay, my jaw was hurting.

I was born in Borger, Texas and grew up drinking artesian well water for the majority of my life. It seemed that everywhere we moved, Grandfather D would dig a hole in the ground and call it a well. He must have been pretty good at it as we always had water.


Unfortunately, well water has minerals in it, and for those naughty children, such as myself, who did not brush their teeth before going to bed, or after every meal, my teeth did get stained. The upside is, they are very strong, and it took 57 years before I had to have something done besides a cleaning and spank on the wrist for not flossing.

One of my upper molars started hurting, and then got loose and wobbled. Weird. Dentist stated that it could be removed or he could put a crown on it. My minds eye saw a white object much like a lid to a box going over my tooth and being cemented there. That is not what happened.

After being shot up with several deadening shots in the gum, this drill approached my mouth and they cut  the tooth, much like a lumber jack does to a tree, down to a nub. I was horrified. Then they took the cut off tooth and make a mold, which they put over the nub and called it a temporary crown. ..sa wha?  I thought I was through, but no, they had to send the cut tooth somewhere far, far, away to make a crown and color it the same color so my teeth would match and I would have to come back and have the temporary removed and the true crown put on.

I was not a happy camper. It felt like I had a large wad of bubble gum over my tooth and it ached, It just felt cramped and like it didn't belong...it was too tight. I did not have to have it removed, though, as that very night, while eating dinner, it broke up and fell into pieces in my mouth, which I spit out. Placing them on the table, they reminded me of a birds egg that has hatched.

My nub was extremely sensitive to temperature and I couldn't even suck in air without wincing. I learned to push my tongue against the roof of my mouth, and lowered the opposite edge to allow food and drink passage without touching the nub. It took almost three weeks for that crown to be made, and I was wondering how the Tooth Fairy was going to reward me for this tooth, as it was gone.

So, I have a crown, and it blends in perfectly with my other teeth, one would never know, unless they were a dentist. Then, one of my front teeth became discolored and I was informed that it had died and could be crowned also. Being Chicken Little,  I put it off as it doesn't hurt, and I floss, every day, use whitening toothpaste and strips and it's not that noticeable.

I even have a well now, under the deck. It used to supply water to the pool and used for watering the yard. But the pump doesn't work, and I have now idea how to go about fixing it. The cover has rotted off, but I'm not a carpenter, either...:(










« Last Edit: June 14, 2010, 02:15:02 PM by rondrond »
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline MarcoPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 396
Re: Depression...
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2010, 02:55:42 PM »
Ron,

I'm not sure if its like this for you, but when Mr. Meloncholy decides he's gonna spend more time with me--all my small 'issues' seem to lump together into one giant ball of leave-me-alone-and-go-way-I-don't-want-to-deal-with-you-its-all-too-much.

What I've found is that just doing that next ONE thing is helpful.  Like going to the dentist, like you did.  Good for you--you've joined the rest of us with nubs and crowns! (Farm-boy well-water drinker here too).

Try not to let things glob together--do just one thing and move on.  Isolation can be a liar and a bitch
:-)  She seems comforting--but all the time she's beating you up quietly.  I have found solace in trying to accomplish just one thing when I'm feeling my bluest.

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,959
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: Depression...
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2010, 03:24:52 PM »
I agree with MarcoPoz ---  when I get down, which is every now and then, I pick one small thing to do --- whether it be one load of laundry, clean out some old papers, pick up around the house.... just one small thing -- then I reward myself by watching something good and different on tv, treating myself to something to eat ( a sundae at McD's -- or something else that I rarely eat).... helps lift me up enough to function and get over the hump - although, it sometimes takes a few tries to get it there   :)
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Depression...
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2010, 05:16:56 PM »
Hey Ronnie  :D I'm glad your posting about your depression, it sure couldn't hurt any, were-all fucked-up
I know I'm, for whatever reason or another I DEAL, keep dealing with it, it's a step in the right direction
please don't take so long to post anymore, I wasn't sure just what had happened to you, but I'm glad your back   ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,751
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Depression...
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2010, 12:09:49 AM »
Hi Ron ... I'm so happy you decided to come back here and share whats going on in your life . I have missed you .

Depression is a terrible thing and I know because I have fought that battle before . The next time I feel that way I'm going to try not hold it all in and talk about it because I don't want to be a prisoner in my own home again like you described . Welcome back buddy .   

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Depression...
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2010, 08:37:46 AM »
Jeff and Dennis,
I have missed you both and am so glad to hear from you. Marco, I do tend to save my 'green stamps' and cash them in all at once. If you don't know what green stamps are, then I have really dated myself.  ::)

just trying to simplify my life....



Here's something that helped contribute to my state of mind:

I receive medications for various and assorted sundry items...twelve, to be exact and two OTC. Those are easy: Omega 3 Fish Oil and Benefiber, chewable,  in an assortment of different flavors. Six I get from the State of Texas ADAP program. A phone call for a refill to the Health Department sets the process in motion automatically and it is delivered by mail.

I have mentioned the a)poor eyesight or b)the illiteracy of our mail person as the door bell signals a woman down the road, who walks her chihuahua and has to make a pit stop at my door to deliver my mail which was put in her mailbox. Even my medications. After a bit of complaining, the pharmacy still delivers, but it now delivers through FedEx, which was marvelous.

So, I call in for my monthly refill, and, I have to mention, that it is needs to be refilled every month, so it behooves me as to just why it is not automatically refilled, and time goes by and my bottles get emptier and emptier, and still no delivery, so  I have to call and ask if there is a problem.

Pharmacy claims that they have called the doctor for verification, and they have not returned their call or fax. So I call and they state, no problem, it will be done. I wait, and my Rx runs out so I call on a Friday, and ask if mayhaps there had been a problem on my last labwork that I had not been informed of and was I going on different meds as I was now out, and there is that thing called 'developing a resistance'.

After a rousing chorus of  'crickets on a hot summer night' there is an incredulous "you mean you haven't got it yet?" "No, that's why I am calling." So, there is a big to do and I have to go the pharmacy, on Monday, which is downtown, and pick up a weeks supply to see me though until it gets delivered. So I missed two doses, which did not bother me too much.

A week passes, and still no delivery, so I call again, this time on a Thursday, and they state "it's in the mail, and give a tracking number for FedEx. I run out Thursday night and it finally gets delivered on Saturday. Another couple of missed doses. Now, I'm getting kind of depressed about it, but, I have too much Zoloft and Wellbutrin in me to cry about it.

Then I get a bill for it from the pharmacy.... ???

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,751
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Depression...
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2010, 08:53:54 AM »
I'm having a similar problem getting my refills and it makes me nuts .

My problem is doctors come and go from the clinic I go to . When my pharmacy faxes for refills and the doctor is no longer attending the clinic they just ignore the fax . When I call to straighten it out I leave a voice mail that is never returned and I run out of meds .

I'm also learning to read my scripts before leaving the clinic because they forgot to sign the last two in a row they gave me so I had to drive back down town and wait . Its high maintenance for sure . It has crossed my mind how hard this could be if its happening to a very ill person who can barely get around .        
« Last Edit: June 15, 2010, 08:56:32 AM by jg1962 »

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Depression...
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2010, 09:42:21 AM »
Sometimes just getting pharmacy refills can be VERY DIFFICULT, it's even worse when you run out, I've experienced this as well, you really have to be on-top of things, so that it doesn't happen  ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Depression...
« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2010, 09:56:23 AM »
I remember when I used to have back ups. Then, they started real persnickety about those refill dates. Sometimes, I couldn't even get a refill two days early.

I have made a fool of myself of several occasions in self righteous indignation, flouncing across the room and out the door, only to come back two days later acting like it was my first visit.  8).
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,959
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: Depression...
« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2010, 10:00:25 AM »
I feel you on the script issues -- my insurance company specifically told me in April to get my ID doc to write a script for (3) 90 day refills of my Atripla so they could do the delivery and get at 340b federal program price and save my one month of my co-pay.  So, I get the script from doc yesterday and fax to the insurance rep today - she emails me back and tells me that I may not meet the criteria for this particular service.  So, I may now have to get my doc to re-do the script and go back to going to the walk-in pharmacy....  I had to reference the insurance rep to her previous email to me in April where she was the one telling me to have my doc do it this way -- so, we shall see if that jogs her memory and fixes the problem.
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Depression...
« Reply #16 on: June 15, 2010, 10:10:19 AM »
Phildinftlaudy,

As someone who was diagnosed in September 2008, you should not be posting in the LTS forum. Please read the Welcome Thread found at the top of this forum's thread index.

Thank you for your cooperation.



Ron, good to see you posting again. I sincerely hope your depression lifts soon - it's not a nice thing to have to deal with. And wow on that weight loss! I remember the struggle you were having with that a few months ago, so kudos to you and Kate both.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Depression...
« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2010, 10:16:23 AM »
I remember when I used to have back ups. Then, they started real persnickety about those refill dates. Sometimes, I couldn't even get a refill two days early.

I have made a fool of myself of several occasions in self righteous indignation, flouncing across the room and out the door, only to come back two days later acting like it was my first visit.  8).

Too funny on the flouncing ... I was told I was being condescending by a nurse this month after telling her I thought she did an awesome job but we needed to put our heads together and figure out why I was having so much trouble with refills and unanswered phone messages . 

Offline denb45

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Re: Depression...
« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2010, 10:25:02 AM »
Too funny on the flouncing ... I was told I was being condescending by a nurse this month after telling her I thought she did an awesome job but we needed to put our heads together and figure out why I was having so much trouble with refills and unanswered phone messages . 

Humm......sounds to me like she may have been the one NOT answering phone messages, nurses do this shit all the time, and get MAD when you call them on it, if your lucky enough to actually get a good nurse
that isn't over-loaded and cares about the job, that is always a good thing  :D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

 


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