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Author Topic: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me  (Read 3120 times)

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Offline worryingtoomuch

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Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« on: May 24, 2010, 10:34:39 PM »
Hi everyone,

First off thanks for providing a forum for dialogue.  This really goes a long way in education, prevention, outreach etc...

So I am a closeted bi guy, and in the last three years have had 10 casual sex partners i met online through a variety of sites.  for each one we used condoms for any anal sex activities.  unfortunately not for oral.   from what i can tell, oral is a low risk activity that should not raise my anxiety to any higher (i dont know if that is possible) levels.   

I recently went to a clinic for a test.  will be going back for the results June 8th.  I know I have not tested for three years.  i tested prior to it regularly every few months but have had a lot of blood work done and figured it was included.  now i know it was not and am terribly worried what I am going to find out. 

symptoms aside, bc i think they are too hard to gauge any possible infection i ve had a 24 bug here and there, my stomach has been wild since i was born, and in college ppl just get sick from being surrounded by a lot of ppl and staying up late etc....  This being said, I am legitimately losing my mind.  to the best of my knowledge no condom every broke in any of the intercourse acts.  However, one time I used vaseline when i was the receptive bottom since I didn't know that it could damage the condom.  it was really dark and i am not sure if the condom broke or not.  i think i saw it intact when we were done, but i am not 100% sure and have honestly been living in hell since realizing that i potentially allowed myself to be infected. the guy never said anything to suggest the condom broke, so i am hoping it didn't.  Would it have been obvious to him, or both of us.  Like torn completely off and dangling like a tissue?

If any of you could provide a frank assessment of my risk based on the details (or lack thereof) i have provided.  I am 23, and I unfortunately do not have anyone to discuss this matter with, which is making it all the harder on me. 

I know HIV is not a gay disease, but it is more prevalent within the gay community.  i dint know if its the intense guilt and disappointed that I yielded to lust over reason that I feel like i am surely infected.  i know one could get HIV from a saint as much as one could get one from a sinner, I just feel my online promiscuity has condemned me to a rather undesirable disease.

Thanks ahead of time for your input.  Praying very hard right now for a happy ending to this story ;-)

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2010, 11:26:45 PM »
I am glad that you have used condoms. If the scenarios are as you describe, then I see no reason why you should not expect a negative test.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2010, 12:29:52 AM »
even with the very unfortunate vaseline incident?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2010, 12:37:45 AM »
A condom break is almost never a subtle incident. They are designed to fail catastrophically. You and/or your partner would have noticed.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2010, 10:57:32 AM »
one more question.  with one person while dry humping, would there be an elevated risk if the head of the penis entered the anus a few time.  i think it would have been very obvious for both of us, don't think it went in, but assuming it did.  would my risk for potentially inserting the head of m penis with no condom be the same risk as full unprotected intercourse?

sorry for all the questions--you can imagine how everything is racing through my head right now!

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2010, 12:02:45 PM »
You would have known if you penetrated him. Sticik your finger up your ass and tell me that you didn't know it.

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2010, 12:07:03 PM »
ok fair enough.   lets just say for arguments sake, tip did go in a few times.  what is the magnitude of risk?

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2010, 12:10:30 PM »
ok fair enough.   lets just say for arguments sake, tip did go in a few times.  what is the magnitude of risk?
We're not going to play games, did you have unprotected penetrative sex or not?

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2010, 12:21:55 PM »
i dont think so.  i felt pressure on the head of my penis but can't say for certain.  worst case scenario is that there were several thrusts in which the head penetrated the anus.  forget everything i said before this.  head and head alone entered several times.  this is unprotected sex isnt it?  i feel like a dumb as*. 

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2010, 12:22:32 PM »
would the depth of insertion and short duratinon change anything though?

Offline Ann

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2010, 01:17:15 PM »
Worrying,

It sounds to me like you're over-analysing this. Just pushing your dick on his anus isn't a risk. Only you and this guy were there, so only you and he know whether or not you penetrated him at all. If you did just a tiny bit, it's such a slight risk I wouldn't even bother testing.

It's up to you. Test for peace of mind and collect your inevitable negative result or let it go and make sure you use condoms for intercourse.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2010, 01:33:07 PM »
ok, you guys have calmed me down to the point where I can live until I receive my test results June 8th.  One last question, in terms of condom breakage it is obvious from what everyone says.  but how bout leaking.  if there is not an obvious break, then there is no leaking? 

I am a product of poor sex ed in school aka (use a condom and you'll be fine--not how to use one, when to use one).  I am glad I am learning all of this now rather than later, but hope that its not too late.



Offline Ann

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2010, 02:14:06 PM »
Worrying,

If there's no obvious breaks, there's no leaking. The "tiny holes in condoms" thing is an urban myth spread by people (like the Catholic church) who don't want people to use or trust condoms.

Read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them correctly and with confidence. There is even a demonstration video on the website in the link Condoms are a girl's best friend. Watch it if you're not sure how to put one on.

Sadly, the demonstration only goes so far as to show how one puts one on and takes one off, but not what you do while it's on. ;)

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2010, 10:31:52 AM »
OK, thanks for having the info on proper condom usage available to everyone! 

I am still worried that even though I used condoms every time (except the dry hump incident in question) I have been infected.  I hope its just paranoia, but I did have a five day flu illness in February that might have been a possible ARS symtpom.  Is this guilt from the sex or do I have reason to be concerned.  Are there any free phone counseling services you know of to deal with HIV related anxiety.   No matter how hard I try I cannot function in life right now!  (i even admit this sounds weak--but dont know what to do about it)

Offline Ann

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2010, 11:03:30 AM »
Worrying,

Gee, you had a "flu illness" in February?  Imagine that. You must be the only person to ever get the flu during cold and flu season. ::)

I don't know of any free phone lines for hiv anxiety and to be honest, you only get what you pay for and most free hiv advice hotlines do nothing but spread more disinformation because the people on the other end of the line don't know what the hell they're talking about in most cases.

You'd be far better off seeing a therapist face-to-face about this. Maybe try your local ASO. And be warned, we cannot help you with your anxiety here, we're not a substitute for therapy.

It's likely you're expecting to test positive because you see hiv as a punishment for having sex in a society that demonises sexual relations, especially sexual relations between two men. It's just a damned virus, it's not a punishment.

You've always done the right thing and used condoms. There's no reason, from a scientific standpoint, to believe you'll test positive.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #15 on: May 26, 2010, 11:04:52 AM »
Fortunately fears are not facts. And symptoms mean zilch. And no, I don't know of any phone counseling couseling services for HIV anxiety. Try calling any AIDS service organization in your neighborhood and see if they can refer you for help.

And of course we expect you to test negative.
Andy Velez

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #16 on: May 26, 2010, 05:43:51 PM »
gonna take a rapid test tomorrow.  this ends tomorrow at 8:30 am!  fingers crossed....

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2010, 05:51:10 PM »
Good luck for what I expect will be a happy result.
Andy Velez

Offline worryingtoomuch

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2010, 09:33:42 AM »
TEST TODAY WAS NEGATIVE--AFTER 16 WEEKS--CONCLUSIVE!

I wanted to share this with the forum as a way to tell people who are obsessing on this forum or online about potential symptoms or chances of infection to stop wasting your time.  I have not slept for a month, contacted the phone company, poured through records to find previous partners, and watched my hair grey (and fall out) as I worried over every single possible symptom of ARS. 

My one regret, was not driving to the center, taking the 20 minute test and nipping this in the bud.  Before spiraling down this self destructive path, please stop, get tested.  worrying will not make it any better.  Whatever has happened has happened. 

So get tested, it really is the smart thing to do for your sanity! 

Ann, I got an in person proper condom and lube usage lesson today.  Very happy I am now fully equipped to be responsible with my choices in life. 

Best of luck to everyone, and thank you for the input!!!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Need your advice, my own anxiety is destroying me
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2010, 11:53:47 AM »
Congrats on your happy result. And your committment to consistently using condoms for intercourse in the future. Way to go!
Andy Velez

 


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