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Where to now?

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thanks for all the support and comments...suppose it just helps to get a more rational/experienced perspective from time to time.
I guess I just needed to vent, and it was great to find a community of people who are willing to offer guidance.
Thanks all , it means so much

Andy Velez:
Glad to know you have found the responses to be helpful, Cal. Give yourself time and life is going to be a whole lot better than you may imagine at this moment. Really. No kidding.


Joe K:
Hello Cal,

You may not see it now but eventually HIV will become just another facet of your life.  The first year is always the hardest as your world has been torn apart.  All the thoughts, emotions and even the unhealthy habits of drugs and booze can all contribute to total confusion, so might I suggest that you start at one place and move on from there.

As I read your post I am struck by some of your comments that suggest you may suffer from type of anxiety or depression and maybe a trip to a mental health professional might be in order.  I've been poz for 22 years and I suffer from severe depression so I can see much of myself in what you write.  It's not a bad thing as it is where you are right now, but there is help available.  Just as you find some solace here, maybe talking with someone in person could help to clarify issues for you.

The bottom line is you are not going to do any permanent damage by numbing yourself with drugs/alcohol, but at some point you will have to stop and find constructive ways of dealing with your issues, so why not now?  I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done and the fear of infecting your partner is horrific, but right now these are all just emotions and thoughts so just go with them.  Emotions are neither right nor wrong they just are, it's the behavior that can get you into trouble.

You need some support and while you have plenty here, I think you need some local support in whatever fashion you think will help you the most.  All that matters is that you get the support you need to help you move through these times, because there is never any shame in admitting that we have issues that are beyond our ability to handle alone.  We have all leaned on someone and you have found family here, so share your life, fears, rants and raves and welcome to the family.

I remember when I got tested 1990,I were still feeling healthy How I found out is when my wife and me went to get our marriage physical and that is when the doctor told my wife and I my resorts.but we are still married to this day.
I got hiv from using IV the first thing I did was enrole in a methadone clinic and I am on methadone till this day.and I truely feel if I wasn't on mathadone I will be dead by now.
I feel very lucky because alot of my friends are already dead and I have witness one of my close friends dying of aids and his family neclected him
even to the point of given him a ride to the hospital.I saw him walking one day I will never forget this day.He were so sick weasing laboring to catch his breath trying to make it to the hospital that was about a mile all I was able to do is give hime money to catch a jetney to the hospital.
I remember when I went to see a doctor and my tcell was 500 the doctor told me I was lucky because they caught my hiv in time.I don't know how he knew this but this was in the early ninties when all they had was AZT.But bactrim saved alot of lives because victims was dying thousands.Thank God for Bactrim.

Hi Cal,

I am very sorry for you, this is a very hard thing, huh? 

The fact is, you make the upside and I hope you decide to stop drowning in drugs and alcohol and start living.  I know it is scary.  I know it is tough, but you can make a good life for yourself and there is help available.  I hope you keep reaching out.  It takes work, but there are people to help you.  I am glad you are here.

I have been positive since 2004 and I have mostly given up drugs and alcohol.  I cannot say that my life is easy.  I work hard, I keep busy and I do get scared and a whole range of human feelings, but they are mine and in many ways I feel I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have been in my life.  Coming here has really helped me by learning, sharing and supporting.

Please take care of yourself.  You have started to take some steps on your new journey.  You are right, you have not been given a death sentence.  You have been given a LIFE SENTENCE!  I hope you are up the for challenge to learn and love YOUR time!  Welcome friend...

Love and support,


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