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Where to now?

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I have been positive for a number of months now and thought that something might have hit me by now, some motivation, some realisation that this means I need to tidy my stuff up.  But still I feel just numb, accompanied by a desire to do anything necessary to forget or deny that this has happened.  I feel like I am gradually losing control of everything and just drown myself in booze or drugs.  I fully realise that this is not a death sentence and that I share the experience of millions of people around the world, but I feel as if none of it really matters anymore.  It just feels like nothing will go right from here on out and that it is only downhil from here (isn't that the case for everyone), even though I know that this is probably not the case.  I feel torn in half with guilt that I may have infected my bf of 8 years and frustrated that I was safe, but obviously not safe enough.  This all feels like a cheap rip off and I'm the patsy!  I can't see how there is any up-side to all of this!

WE are all in the same boat.  I became poz just a month ago..  I got
 my result in the middle of my lunch break at work on the phone..  I just had time to hang up, look around and realized that my world still the same..I had to go back to work at the same time and get my work load done at the end of the day as any other day..  I realized that i had the feelings and that i was the same person that
 i was few minutes ago before my results.  Theres days better than others..Moments better than others..Difficult moments to come but i take it one at the time.. 
I went to see my doctor and get the test done and keep on going..
Is hard to think about the people that i might infected.. I contacted them using a health agency.. But i had no idea.. as the one that gave it to me..  No one to blame for my situation and no one to blame me..We all have choices in life and that was our choice..    Not reason to feel guilty.  No reason to give up..  Poz is not an excuse to run into drugs and to get sad about ourself..  Is a new opportunity .. a new challenge to face..  A new test in life.
You are not alone..We are all in the same boat..


--- Quote from: calscar on August 27, 2006, 12:41:16 AM ---  I fully realise that this is not a death sentence and that I share the experience of millions of people around the world, but I feel as if none of it really matters anymore. 
--- End quote ---

Hello There !,

I know how you feel. Believe me I do !! I felt that way back in 1985, when I received my Hiv diagnosis. And at that time, there were no medications available, like there are today. I thought my world was coming to an end, and thought " why bother"...  Well that was 21 years ago. That first year was a very tough and difficult year for me. I spent most of it drinking my worries away, on a daily basis.( or at least trying to. But guess what, those problems are still there the next day. After about a year of that, something "clicked" And I said to myself that the path I was taking was too destructive, so I made changes in my life. I quit drinking, quit smoking, made healthy changes to my lifestyle, of which I have no regrets!

Here I am 21 years later. Cal, I know this is all so very new to you, and at times you will seem hopelessly lost, but I can assure you, that things will get better, if YOU allow it to. No one here will tell you that it is an easy road, but if you want to make it, you most certainly will. One of the things that I was always thankful for, was the fact that I was able to discuss my health issues, with whoever wanted to listen. This included my family members. Of course, there are are some that I have not disclosed to, and that is MY CHOICE !!

But being able to talk about HIV was certainly a big step in my life,It made things a lot easier for me, and I was surprised at the support that I had received.On the down- side, there were also those, that wouldn't have anything to do with me.( which was totally fine with me. I don't need people like that in my life. The thing is, I moved on with my life, some of those people never have !
 What has happened in the past, is exactly that." the past" It is now time to look toward the future, and start taking care yourself. Educating yourself, staying informed !! I know you can do it. I also want to say, that after 21 years of this virus, there are still times when I feel "numb"... But I still manage to get on with life, the best I can.

The Best-----Ray

Hi Cal, welcome to the forum.

The reality of the situation is that unless you and your boyfriend tested together when your relationship began and unless you two without doubt have both been monogamous, if he tests positive you may never know who infected whom. It is totally possible, for instance, that he was positive all along and neither of you knew.

But how you got here isn't important - but where you go from here is. It sounds as though you're having a very difficult time with all this and I'd like you to give some careful thought to getting some support for yourself in the form of counseling. The drugs and booze are not going to make your situation go away and they will have a detrimental effect on your health.

If  you haven't already, please read through the Just Tested Poz Welcome Thread so you can find all the other sections of this website. The forums are just the tip of the iceberg. Feel free to come back and ask any questions that may arise while you read.

I'd like to ask one favour of you. Please, do not discuss your seroconversion illness symptoms in the Am I Infected forum. We do NOT discuss symptoms over there because symptoms or the lack of symptoms means absolutely nothing when it comes to hiv infection. Discussing symptoms over there only fuel fears and it might also have the effect of making someone who has experienced NO symptoms to think they don't need to test, when in fact they do. I hope you understand and will cooperate with my simple request. Thanks.

You may have also opened yourself up to getting PMs from people in that forum who are questioning their hiv status. If this happens, please tell them to ask their questions in the public forum - or ignore them. We do not encourage people from that forum to contact newly diagnosed people - you've got enough on your plate as it is without having to deal with intrusive questions. I can delete the post you made in that forum if you wish - that might be the best thing to do. Let me know either here or via a PM.

And hang in there - it does get better in time.


Andy Velez:
Hi Cal,

It takes time to get adjusted to living with HIV. People have all kinds of reactions to the news and your drinking and drugging and confusion is a very common response.

I suggest that you check out and see what HIV/AIDS service organizations there are in your area where you can get support individually and perhaps in groups as well. While being cautious about whom you choose to disclose to, you also want to avoid being isolated with this which can just make your head go crazy.

It's very important to have a doctor monitoring your numbers regularly and with whom you can develop a good working partnership to keep you healthy.

Gradually you will learn what you need to know about staying healthy. You're always welcome to ask questions here and to discuss anything that's on your mind. Check out the various subject categories, especially the living with section, and I think you will find some helpful and supportive information there.



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