Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 20, 2014, 08:33:53 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23734
  • Latest: RBG
Stats
  • Total Posts: 642810
  • Total Topics: 48899
  • Online Today: 242
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Could I have infected my BF?  (Read 3408 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline yipiee

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Could I have infected my BF?
« on: May 17, 2010, 03:19:57 PM »
I have spent hours reading the posts... I'm afraid I may already know the answer, and the only way to know for sure, is MAKE him go get the test!

I am HIV +, he is not. Upon hearing of my infection, he came to my side, and over a period of time, we got back together.  We were monogamous, but other than the first few times, I could not get him to wear a condom!  I even got female condoms, and finger protectors... dental dam... "just in case" We were together from min Dec 09 to April 2010, and were sexually active the whole time.  Oh, BTW I was diagnosed in Nov, and was not on meds till Jan first.  At one point my VL tested at 19,000...  it is now undetectable. 

I can not talk him into getting tested.  He is afraid it would be a preexisting yaddah yaddah yaddah... I say F that!  your health and peace of mind is more important!  and if he has contracted it from me, I want him to be healthy, and have the best chance of getting it under control, like I did with early detection.

I pray that I did not infect him.  I feel terrible, but I can not make him get tested!  Is there some sort of completely annoymus testing, or home test I could get for him?

Thank you for your input.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2010, 03:39:11 PM »
Yip,

Yes, it is possible that he may have been infected. However, if he refused to use condoms even though he knows you're poz, then I wouldn't be inclined to say you infected him, it's more like he infected himself by not caring enough about his own health to protect it. It's all about personal responsibility.

And if he's refusing to use condoms with a woman he knows to be poz, I really doubt he's used them with anyone else either, so even if he is poz it's not necessarily down to you. He could have been with someone who was poz and didn't know it, or didn't tell him.

It's a possibility, but by no means a certainty that he's poz. I was with a negative man for eighteen months before I was diagnosed, and all that time we never used condoms and he's still hiv negative. We were together for a total of eight years - and we used condoms except for those first eighteen months.

Anyway, you can buy a Home Access test online or in most drug stores. It's the only FDA approved home test.

And by the way, you don't need dental dams. Going down on a woman is not a risk for hiv infection. And you don't need finger protectors either as fingering is also not a risk. All you need is condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse.

Good luck and try to not feel so responsible for what is, essentially, a matter of him shirking his own personal responsibility to himself.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline yipiee

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2010, 05:31:36 PM »
Thank you Ann...  Ill look for a take home test you mentioned, and give it to him.

Offline yipiee

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2010, 02:16:42 AM »
I ordered the home test kit.  I offered to send it from my address, so there is NO trace to him, since he said that this issue was his worry...  to be established with a "preexisting" illness as he is trying to land a job, and health insurance etc...

I talked with him, and asked if he would actually take the test I had ordered.  He said maybe.  I said that he is an adult and have made his choices in his life (he agreed in the moment), but that it would be the most unfair thing in the world for him to go out and unwittingly infect an unsuspecting future partner.  He acted sort of aloof...  he said he hadn't thought of it in a while, thought maybe he'd get checked sometime next summer. ( I don't know if I believe him)

I really can not understand his mental process to be in such deep denial of the possibilities.  I am not trying to spread panic or worry, but he experienced an weird illness akin to the "flu like" symptoms I felt after contracting HIV, and did not reveal it to me till just before I wrote my message here, and that is what started my inquiry.

 I guess this is exactly how this virus is spread, one unsuspecting person to the other.  I can see now why some people go for years with out knowing...  I was three months into contracting it when I knew something was wrong, and went in to get checked... 

I don't know how I will react if I find out I have passed this on to him, he being a willing partner or not...  I will feel guilty...  I meditate on the positive that he is negative! lol, and that all this worry is for nothing.

Offline 206krissy

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2010, 10:29:55 AM »
dealt with this and am still dealing with it.  i told my current boyfriend who we were high school sweethearts when i first saw him after being diagnosed in 1996; he was okay; we were together for 3 months; no condoms; his choice completely and i gave up the fight; was young still and still learning to deal with this; he then left me and went back to his ex and didn't tell her; 5 months later i was contacted by her b/c they were getting married; i told her; they went and got tested; both were negative; he was married to her for 5 years; then i wrote him a letter and we got back together; i talked to him about; remember i'm still sick; he was okay with it; still never used condoms no matter how hard i tried to get him too and i just feel that he's an adult; he knows the deal and it's his responsiblity at this point; that was almost 9 years ago; he's never been tested and i stress it completely and try to talk to him about it; he seems to be healthy; but of course u never know.   i'm undetectable so i figure the risk is low but still there of course.  it's a very hard thing but at some point; we as the sick one have to let go of the guilt but i know that is easier said than done.

Offline yipiee

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2010, 01:49:18 AM »
following up... 
The former BF did finally send in the test I got him.
After months of hesitating and after he broke up with me ... and after he started dating someone else.  The good news is that he is still neg...  so that is great.

I just dont know about this dating.  So stressful.  cant be good for my VL. 

deep breaths, moving forward. 
Thanks for the support. 


Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Could I have infected my BF?
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2010, 07:58:20 AM »
Hi Yipiee, thank you for the update.

I'm happy to hear that you pursued the issue of him being tested, particularly as he is now in a relationship with someone else. Kudos to you. After all, at the end of the day it was not your responsibility - it was his. But you did the right thing and I'm glad to hear that he is still hiv negative.

Don't let this one guy put you off having relationships in the future. Not all men are created equal in the sense that they're all different, just as we women are all different. There's some man out there for you, a man who will care enough about himself to protect his health and will care enough about you to not put you through the stress and worry about him possibly being infected. And it wouldn't hurt to have him tested before you two are intimate, just so there can be no misunderstandings in the future should he at some point test positive.

Walk with your head held high. You have every reason to feel proud of yourself (fuck hiv, excuse my language) and there is some man out there who will notice you and cherish you. Have faith that it will happen, be happy to be who you are and he will appear.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.