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Author Topic: Too much to bear  (Read 4438 times)

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Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Too much to bear
« on: May 13, 2010, 01:59:17 PM »
Losing Ric was very tough; and now, losing my dear Lisa.   Also, my partner and I lost a very dear friend last month in Birmingham, AL.   He was on the Patient Advisory Board of our clinic with us; we had gone out for dinner and drinks on a Tuesday, and he was found dead by his Mother on Friday.

Life is so very short....treasure every moment you have.   If you love someone, tell them.   If you need help, ask for it.   If you are able to help someone, please do so.

Just for the record, I love all of you, my fellow LTSers here at AIDSmeds, very much.

Alan   :'(
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2010, 02:06:23 PM »
Hi Alan . Thanks for putting things in perspective during these tough times . I'm so sorry for each of the ones you have had to say goodbye to . Much love , Jeff .

Offline BT65

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2010, 04:54:11 PM »
Alan, in my own personal life, in the last 4 years, I've lost 4 people.  So, I understand what you mean.  You said a mouthful, and I love you back.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline leatherman

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2010, 08:10:23 PM »
I've spent every moment since Randy died trying my best to suck every bit of life out of every extra minute that I've lived past that terrible day. Living that way gave me the time I had with Jim until that last moment when he too was taken from me. Now I live every day enjoying it as much as I can, loving those around me, and helping those I can; because neither of my guys is here to do those things and who knows how much time I have - but it's more time that either Jim or Randy had.

Life is so very short....treasure every moment you have.   If you love someone, tell them.
HUGS and LOVE to you Alan.  :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline aztecan

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2010, 12:32:44 PM »
Alan,

As usual, you have said a mouthful in a very sage and sensitive way.

I believe you must greet each day with hope, grab every moment, live it to the greatest extent possible and, at the end of the day, be thankful for the time you have had.

Oh, and Alan, you know you will always have a special place in my heart.

BIG WARM HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline heartforyou

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2010, 05:24:30 PM »
I am so sorry to read this Alan.

Love you

xx hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline lforsyth

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2010, 12:46:57 PM »
Like many here I've known what it is like to lose friends over the years.  My partner Joe died of heart failure on 01/27/2000.  He just turned 40 the month before and found out he was going to be a Grandfather a few days earlier.

I tested positive in 1986 and by 1990 all my friends back in L.A. were gone. From 2000 through 2005 the rest of my family (who thought that they would be taking care of me) passed away.

It's important to remember those who are gone with memories and look forward to keep a positive attitude every day.  I get a lot of inspiration from this forum.

You all rock.
Tested POZ in 1986, knew there was something wrong in 1985. 04/2010 CD4: 975 Viral Load undetectable. Prezista, Norvir, Truvada, Acyclovir, Plavix, Lisinopril, Metoprolol and a bedtime snack of Lipitor (YUM)

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2010, 08:38:10 AM »
Alan,
 
   Thank you for that post. It is you and the others that keep me coming back here. You guys have been part of why I keep going.

with much love,
Sharkie

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2010, 02:47:34 PM »
And now another blow, with the loss of our dear Moffie.

It's strange, because so many years ago, when I was near death, I had made my peace with it, and was o.k.   Now, I've had 10 or 11 years to "settle back in" to living....and I've lost that 'preparedness' for dying.
But really, can one ever be truly prepared for it?   I tell you, every little ache and pain that I have scares me now; I think to myself "is this going to be the thing that begins the illness that takes me out?".

Go on angel wings, Tim.
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline heartforyou

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2010, 03:59:48 PM »
Quote
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

I know all too well what you mean.
So, if ever the time comes to say goodbye remember your own quote....

And I am one of them who loves you dearly...

xxx Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline RAB

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2010, 05:22:22 PM »
And now another blow, with the loss of our dear Moffie.

Hey my friend
 
I'm right there with you.  My heart is broken, my mind is aching, and I feel like we're all in some sort of flashback to "those days".

Ric, Lisa, and Moffie.

Three people I've had the fortune to meet in person.  Each was so special.  There's another thread about forming a forum family, we've been doing that since day one, I never anticipated my family of friends would be hit so hard in such a short period of time.

It's just not right.  I'm pissed, lost, and not understanding.

Alan, I love you buddy.   Something I think we need to be saying to each other a hell of a lot more.

Time is too precious to waste one moment on the bullshit.  Life is too short to not savor, enjoy, and embrace the best of today.

Even if my heart isn't feeling much joy right now, I we need to remember that.

RAB

Offline BT65

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2010, 05:40:39 PM »
And now another blow, with the loss of our dear Moffie.

I agree, Alan.  I just talked to him last year, when I was in Arizona.  It doesn't seem possible. 

I love you.  I guess I don't know what else to say right now.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2010, 07:10:44 PM »
And now another blow, with the loss of our dear Moffie.


Go on angel wings, Tim.


I wanted everyone to know, that I spoke with Bob yesterday around 3:00 in the afternoon. We had a nice talk, and he wanted to thank everyone for their thoughs and well wishes.  Obviously it's tough, but he'd hanging in.  He informed me that he was picking up Tims ashes today (Friday).

I've already printed out the thread that lis started, and the Memoriam thread. I've mailed it to Bob today.


Ray


Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2010, 07:24:34 AM »
Alan ole buddy,
I know exactly what you mean. We just have to be grateful for every day we have. I know it's easier said then done. I feel an emptiness that is hard to describe.
I also know that Moffie would be the first one to call me out for feeling sorry for myself, and he would kick my ass to get living every day.

So not to upset him, I intend to do just that. It's just like getting hit in the gut by a Mack truck. It won't be easy, but it must be done. We must all hang together and keep on keeping on.

I know Moffie would like that.
Peace and love to you Alan. Hang tough.
Positive since 1985

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2010, 05:04:45 PM »
Love to all of you, my dear LTSer friends....it's a crazy "sick" club we're a part of, isn't it?  But I'm glad I'm in it along with all of you -- it does beat the alternative!

Love and hugs, esp to you my dear RAB, Herman, and Betty....

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline dixieman

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #15 on: June 29, 2010, 12:56:56 PM »
Alan... I'm sorry to hear this about your friend... its difficult to convey in words... I do want to say it was Great to meet everyone in Bham at Stevens party... my friend Jeff is a wonderful friend... I've known for 25 years...oh I forgot to say this is John in Montgomery... I'm glad I made the trip ... it was nice to meet everyone. I look forward to the next gathering... and again I am sorry to hear about your loss... good friends are few and far between... sincerely, john

Offline RevMC

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #16 on: July 02, 2010, 01:46:59 PM »
Sorry to hear about your friend and what you are going through.  I don't really remember when I made peace with all of this just seems part of everyday life now.  It's been 22 years for me since first finding out and I thank god I'm one of those who has never really had any complications because of HIV.

I just recently found out I have 2 mildly leaking heart valves and an occassional irregular heart beat.  Heart disease runs in my family.  I've learned to live with this and realize now that I'm getting closer to 50 (Just turned 47 the other day) I have to start dealing with health issues that affect those of us in our 40's and older.

Hang in there, you are not alone, it seems like  you have a lot of people who are here for you.

Blessings to you on your journey  :)
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003
http://www.poz.com/articles/172_752.shtml

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE



Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

Offline texafornian

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2010, 08:13:07 PM »
it's not the dying that scares me,it's the pain that I might go through before I die,and what REALLY scares me is what's going to happen to my dog? I love her soooooooooo much and I'm afraid for her(not having someone to love her and take care of her like I do),I hope she goes first so I will be the one who is left alone--not her.

Offline MarcoPoz

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2010, 09:36:24 AM »
Alan,

You've been a source of support and knidness to many of us here--thank you for that.  I'm so very sorry for you loss.  Yes, it does remind me of 'those days', but I'm kind of fooling myself when I think that I've left those days behind.  Many of us still get sick and yes, some die.  We take each loss as it comes and do our best to honor it and move forward.

Thank you for again reminding us of our priorities.  You're a sweet man and should receive even more support then you lend out to us (which is so much).

Offline Theyer

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Re: Too much to bear
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2010, 04:29:30 AM »
Take care Alan, wise words.
love
t
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


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