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Author Topic: very slightly broken heart...  (Read 2175 times)

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Offline ndrew

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very slightly broken heart...
« on: August 25, 2006, 11:58:43 AM »
Hello,

I posted about this before, but I am still sorting it out.  A dude I was seeing totally dropped me without a word.  I am pretty sure it's HIV.  I tried to have a discussion about safe sex, because we were getting physically close and he was uncomfortable. 

Anyway, I am very hurt by the rejection.  Does anyone think I am crazy because I can't blame him for being scared and freaked out?  I mean it really hurts me, but I refuse to have negative feelings for him because of that.  I feel bad for him.  AND I THINK I UNDERSTAND HIM REJECTING ME!  (Of course it sucks that people can't communicate.)

I refuse to let this beat me down (although I have a sinus infection for weeks now from the stress...) and I am moving forward with dating.  I think it has even helped me feel more comfortable disclosing and doing it right away.  I just don't want to be bitter or maintain any grudges about being stigmatized.  And I refuse to feel like I cannot have a relationship because of being positive.  I refuse to isolate and feel lonely.  I have been hiv+ for 2.5 years and maybe I am being idealistic, but what is the point of living and not living...?

 :) :( ???
Andrew

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2006, 12:14:53 PM »
Be strong, my friend.

 I've had HIV for thirteen years. And it always, always hurts. And the ability of people to stratify in order to justify their fear is astonishing. I've had other positive people reject me because I've been sick, or because they were too shell shocked in their infection to imagine something meaningful.

You have to realize something, and yeah, easier said than done. But it's not you.

 It has nothing to do with you. What you have to offer is special, and meaningful, and real.

It's tougher to mingle in the world at large with HIV. Maybe that's why more and more positive guys serosort. Not that serosorting removes the stratification, but it certainly takes the biggest item off the  menu.

I was having this discussion on the phone the other day. Where do you meet people? Online? In a club? Those of us with alternative employment situations don't have an office to go to, and those of us who are not church people do not have that avenue. Volunteer work is a decent idea, because there is at least a level of assumed coolness. But it's difficult, at the best of times.

And does anything take the wind out of your sails faster than having to perform on-the-spot HIV education and transmission counseling? Seriously.

As far as your being idealistic, don't you dare stop. Don't you freaking dare. Pragmatic thinking is the enemy of love, and it is a slippery slope towards cynicism and bitterness.

It's there. It's possible. I've seen it. Sure, grainy photos and badly lit home movies, but love is not a myth, for those of us with HIV. Sucks that it takes a special strength to endure the trials. But you have that strength, and are already a better guy for it.

And to your final question, there is no point to living and Not Living. No point at all. Don't settle for that. Don't settle at all.

I hope your sinuses are better. take care of yourself, ok?

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline pozguy75

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2006, 01:14:55 PM »
Hey Andrew, I agree with Jonathon on this...and remember what what Dr. Seuss says: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I just love that quote, because is so true...you have a ton to offer someone, poz or neg...You will be wonderful, and inturn you will find a wonderful mate too!


Much love my friend!
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2006, 02:53:56 PM »
I saw this cool quote, and was looking for a place to put it. Here seemed to be a fairly appropriate place:

"Only he that has traveled the road knows where the holes are deep."
-Chinese proverb

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2006, 05:22:08 PM »
Andrew
I think its great that you are idealistic - join the club! Pragmatism has its place but not with love.
And Jonathan is 100% right when he says there is no point to living and not living. No point.
You are so right not to let this beat you down. Bravo to you, bravo!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Jeromy, I LOVE that quote! It so fits in with recent decisions and events in my life!

Melia :)
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2006, 05:42:06 PM »
Thank you JK, Jeromy and Malia I needed your words and caring today.  I am learning a lot.

And does anything take the wind out of your sails faster than having to perform on-the-spot HIV education and transmission counseling? Seriously.

Thank you!

I like the Dr. Seuss quote, it's right on and I have started to disclose up front for this reason : )

You know, it's a silly analogy, but superheros are often created by being exposed to something that contaminates then and changes them.  You (forum folk) are my superheros.  We have this amazing collective intelligence and strength here...

Much care,
Andrew

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2006, 05:53:24 PM »
:)
I submit Condom Man and Rubbre Maid, circa 2000

[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: August 25, 2006, 05:59:30 PM by jkinatl2 »
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline sweetasmeli

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  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2006, 06:02:05 PM »
Thats not you in the blue undies is it Jonathan??

Melia :P
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2006, 06:19:06 PM »
:) I was Condom Man from 1993 until 2000. Still have the costume in my closet. Maybe again someday... :)

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2006, 10:47:12 PM »
OK, there is something here about Condom Man coming to keep you from cumming to save the day......?

Rubber Maid... ha ha!!

Offline Eldon

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2006, 11:41:43 PM »
Hello Andrew, it is Eldon. Just as Johnathan said; "Be Strong" and don't let it get the best of you. Pick up where you have left off and move on. There is someone out there who is willing to share their love and support with you.

BTW check out : www.condomman.com, they have t-shirts too!

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2006, 11:19:02 AM »
Hey Andrew...

                       No.  You can't blame people for being afraid of our little bug.  I, too, have just began dating again...and after David died I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again.  But a couple of weeks ago I met a guy (who is positive) so being HIV wasn't an issue.  However having spent quite a bit of time with him lately I am
convinced that dating a man who is positive is a perfect fit for ME.  That's not to say one shouldn't date those
who aren't positive.  I have a dear friend who just recently began a relationship with a guy who's not positive and
they're doing great.  Hang in there...You'll find someone who'll accept you just the way you are...Warts and All.

Now..CondonMan looks awfully familiar....don't you think? ::)
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2006, 11:27:31 AM »
I was wondering what Jackson did after the Tv series Shazam ran out..  Oh the 70's was a great time to find out that you were gay. Check out the hair!!  Yow!

Andrew, just keep doing what your doing...  It WILL happen..  There is no reason to think it won't....  It just will....

Love

[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: August 26, 2006, 11:32:44 AM by Eric »

Offline ndrew

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Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2006, 12:34:39 AM »
Thank you Eldon, you are like a chariot of support that rides down through the forum clouds! 

David, its strange, in some ways knowing that he is scared (or "anxious" as he said) makes me more compassionate, but also more forgiving and understanding.  It's true I can't blame him.  I hope your new friend and you are enjoying each others company :)  And I think I have replied to every hiv+ personal in my area, hee! hee!

Eric, I think I had a crush on Shazam (or any other superhero male in tights?)  I believe you, it will happen.  There are good people in the world.  Thank (the) ____ for that!

Much love,
Andrew

Offline terpie82

  • Member
  • Posts: 92
Re: very slightly broken heart...
« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2006, 02:09:38 AM »
Ahh, so strange that I came across this thread because this happened to me yesterday too. Been talking to this wonderful guy everyday online and we finally met yesterday for dinner and drinks. It quickly ended after my disclosure and his response is, "Well I'm not looking to settle down right now anyway." Hmm, what does me telling you that I'm HIV+ have to do with you settling down? Either way, things like this thickens my callus. It will hurt at first, but think of it as for every wrong one you get pass, you're one closer to the right one. Sigh, pozguy's Dr. Seuss quote makes me feel all happy inside  ;D
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

 


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