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Author Topic: Accepting Accountability  (Read 3494 times)

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Offline CJ2009

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  • Posts: 21
Accepting Accountability
« on: February 17, 2010, 12:24:16 PM »
I was just wondering how many of you guys immediately accepted accountability for the actions that led you to an HIV positive diagnosis.

Sometimes I feel that I may have not reacted like my close friends expected me to; a lot of them took it worse than I did. However, my thought behind it is that I trusted certain people that I shouldn't have and I put myself at risk, and I feel I should take full responsibility for that.

The only thing that upsets me sometimes is wondering who exactly did it and if they knew they were poz beforehand without telling me.

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2010, 12:37:46 PM »
I personally have never had a serious thought of where I acquired HIV . It just never occurred to  me put the blame on any one else other than myself for having aids . And I might add the use of the word blame is not quite right either . 

Offline Dsd09

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2010, 01:01:11 PM »
The only thing that upsets me sometimes is wondering who exactly did it and if they knew they were poz beforehand without telling me.

I wonder this sometimes too - and also if they knew.

But at the end of the day, the person who infected me is as much a victim of this virus as everyone else and you can't go back and change what has happened.

So yes, I did accept accountability for my diagnosis straight away
07/2009 - Diagnosis
08/2009 - CD4 354 / VL 4700
09/2009 - CD4 286 / VL 3200
10/2009 - CD4 249 / VL n/a - Started Truvada / Sustiva
12/2009 - CD4 318 / VL <40
01/2010 - CD4 316 / VL <40 - Switched Atripla
04/2010 - CD4 370 / VL <40
12/2010 - CD4 342 / VL <40

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2010, 03:47:06 PM »
I knew the risks associated and unfortunately as a young guy I felt immortal, so I took actions that led me down this path.  I am old enough to not let that bother me for too long however.  My time and energy are much better spent looking forward and moving ahead than trying to figure out exactly where it came from.  I really don't think anyone maliciously infected me and most likely they had no idea they were infected either.

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2010, 03:54:29 PM »
I have always accepted responsibility for my HIV.   In fact, in the LTS forum we once had a discussion about that being a relatively common characteristic of people who are long term survivors; it's part of the "formula for success", if you will.

It's good that you recognize that.

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2010, 04:01:16 PM »
  I had difficulty with it, which just made accepting my diagnosis and moving on much harder.  


I have always accepted responsibility for my HIV.   In fact, in the LTS forum we once had a discussion about that being a relatively common characteristic of people who are long term survivors; it's part of the "formula for success", if you will.

It's good that you recognize that.

Alan

 Wouldn't it be different though for the LTS?  It was pretty much a mystery back then as to what was befalling everyone..
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline waldo59

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  • "you wanta put what.....where"
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2010, 05:25:27 PM »
Personally I've always hoped I was having a "GOOD" time. It would sure be a bummer if it was one of the times I wished I had stayed home

Offline justus35

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  • I AM STILL STANDING
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2010, 05:53:01 PM »
i  got my hiv after my mom passed away (depressed, lonely) and everyones reactions are different , I still haven't cried over it  i just know it is my responsibility  to protect myself ,and I am a grown ass man and cant be putting that in someones hands , I tell all my partners that I am positive ,and the sad thing is I always offer the info upfront,and most don't even ask or even care , but I  am still  doing the right thing even if they are not , and besides we are only on this earth for however  GOD wants us here , so I just do me, try to be happy as much as I can , and accept what is and I move on ,because life is to short to be living and dwelling in the past ...
SELF MADE -DOING IT FOR MYSELF

Offline WillyWump

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  • Posts: 7,274
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2010, 06:05:09 PM »
I like to think I accepted it immediately, it's been just over 2 years and I've never looked back. I've surprised myself over it all. I rarely think about who it might have been or if they knew. Sometimes I wonder If my "accepting it very easily" is merely a defense mechanism and if one day it will all come crashing down. Hopefully not.


-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline Cliff

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2010, 06:50:33 PM »
Taking responsibility shouldn't just be about assigning blame and guilt (to ourselves or others).  It's also about moving on and making peace with the past.  Maybe we should focus on forgiveness.

I will hit my seventh year this summer.  I've long since forgiven myself and Will for what happen in 2003.

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,277
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2010, 07:40:44 PM »
I have always accepted responsibility for my HIV.   

Alan

Same here too !! I knew exactly what I had done , on  that forth of July weekend in 1985. I accepted responsibility for my actions, and three months later, I tested positive.

Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 8/25/14,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 63 years young.

Offline Ravhyn

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  • Posts: 260
  • Nerd Alert
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2010, 07:59:08 PM »
I blame myself totally.  I got back with my ex husband and I should have thought about protection but I didn't.  Because he had been my "husband" in my mind I instantly saw him as safe. My fault, but I do wonder about where he got it from he says he is clueless and sometimes I do wonder if the girl or guy knew they had it.  I count myself fortunate though that even though its been 4 years (and my fault for not really getting tested during that time) that 1. my husband now came up negative. and 2.  that I didn't find out like my ex did in the hospital with Mono that threw him into Aids, before we even knew he was HIV Positive. 

Beside's it doesnt matter how we got it anymore, but what we do now that we have it and how we live our lives.  Always move forward in life, never backwards. 
April 2006 - Sero-Conversion
December 2009 - Diagnosed
Jan 2010- VL 3,800 CD4 152
Summer 2010 VL UD, CD4 over 200
September 2010 VL UD, CD4 324
March 2011 VL UD, CD4 477
May 2011 VL UD, 338

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2010, 08:35:28 PM »
Beside's it doesnt matter how we got it anymore ever, but what we do now that we have it and how we live our lives.  Always move forward in life, never backwards. 

CJ2009, welcome to the forums, and I trust you will enjoy and learn.

This is my 27th year now, and reflecting on your post, I recall my first feelings, and the quote above became my mantra.  I have had the most exciting, excruciating, eventful, life changing, ecstatic, and truly an abundant life for the past 27 years, and all because I made the pact with myself in 1983 that I would live each day as though it was my last.  It has worked and I am presently a 63 year old man who is truly suffering with the side effects of HIV/AIDS, but will not let it get me down or keep me from living each and every day with joy and anticipation.  Needless to say not all days are a cakewalk, and sitting on the toilet shitting and barfing into a bucket isn't a true picnic, as I did just last week, but those things are part of the grind and we need to accept them as such and deal with each challenge as it comes, as informed and intelligently as we can.  :)

In the end, the measure of a survivor is a person who embraces the virus as their own, learns all they can about the science of HIV and its mediation, and focus on steering their pathways in the direction of living as fully and productively, in spite of the things that come our way with this disease.  That is the definition of a full time job!
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,783
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2010, 08:44:44 PM »
I accepted responsibility for my HIV as soon as the doc said "I'm sorry you're... blah, blah, blah."  I know exactly who I got it from and when.  I was foolish, depressed, broken-hearted, angry, drunk, yada-yada, and trusted someone that I shouldn't have.  Doesn't matter if he knew his status; I was the one who irresponsibly decided to hop in bed with someone other than my long-term lover.

Did I feel angry with myself for a little while after it happened?  I sure did.  I felt that, especially after having lost someone to this virus (and having managed to remain negative for nearly 15 years of a sexually active sex-life), I should have known better.  But the clock can't be turned back and therefore I decided to move the hell on.

Beside's it doesnt matter how we got it anymore, but what we do now that we have it and how we live our lives.  Always move forward in life, never backwards.  

Definitely true.  Never backwards, not even to gain traction.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline tednlou2

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  • Posts: 5,078
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2010, 01:13:22 AM »
I often wonder whether the person who infected me knew.  I originally thought my former partner infected me.  He has progressed to AIDS.  However, we were last together in late '95, so it would seem unlikely.  He also swears he got it in 2003.  If this is true, I got it from a friend in 2001. 

I think if many of us don't know we have it on a test, many of us were pretty sure we were infected.  After the 2001 exposure, I had all the symptoms--mono-like illness, sore and swollen lymph nodes all over that lasted a few years.  I had a good idea I was infected, but didn't get tested.  I put my current partner at risk.  I'm so thankful he didn't get infected. 

So, I think there are many who have no idea and others who have a pretty good idea, or should have a good idea, that they have it.  I see this on sites like craigslist and manhunt.  Guys say they are neg even though they say they only bareback.  They will often say, "You be negative too."  I want to send them a message saying, "Are you for real?"  The person I was with took the condom off without me knowing.  Having said that, I still have to take responsibility.  Having said that, I don't think it does much good to beat ourselves up.  I've done that.  I've thought I never really liked bottoming anyway.  Why did I do it with him?  Why did I trust that he wouldn't try to pull the condom off?  I've heard others say they've caught guys before and after the fact had taken the condom off.  I had known this guy for 10 years.  Ya can't trust anyone, but I guess we are all responsible for our health. 


Offline Angel-Ronnie

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  • Posts: 434
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2010, 01:53:12 AM »
At first i got angry at myself, then the sleepless nights of who gave me the bonus prize for months it ate at me like a alien in my stomach, discovered i'm not dead and stop asking questions. asked myself " now that you have it what you gonna do about adapt or die?" i chose adapt to it and love life as i used to before it, just adjusting and stop blame shifting as I was concenting to sex.

now i tell the younsters about the side effects of unprotected sex. coping meganism I guess. have helped many more to deal and accept that they can have a normal life. prime example is on this website many to look up to and learn from. 4 years down the road and still good.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline CJ2009

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  • Posts: 21
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2010, 12:12:06 PM »
Sometimes I wonder If my "accepting it very easily" is merely a defense mechanism and if one day it will all come crashing down. Hopefully not.


-Will

I wonder the same thing. I sit and think, "Wow, am I gonna have a total mental breakdown one day?" I don't find it likely, but you never know.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,156
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2010, 02:24:02 PM »
The only thing that upsets me sometimes is wondering who exactly did it and if they knew they were poz beforehand without telling me.

You seem to have a pretty fast and uncomplicated acceptance of your own accountability.

For me it was and is a big struggle.

However, according to your sentence above, which I quoted, you still have some unresolved feelings to explore.  Whether you can get that answer to your question is questionable.  Whether you should be angry or not if you hear the answer is questionable.  Its all a matter of how you decide to feel about this stuff and when you decide to let it go or store it away as unresolveable.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline MarkB

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2010, 06:19:34 PM »
Since my diagnosis there hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't hated the fact of my infection and hated myself for it. I haven't shared intimacy with anyone since 2006 and I can't see that changing.

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2010, 06:22:06 PM »
Since my diagnosis there hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't hated the fact of my infection and hated myself for it. I haven't shared intimacy with anyone since 2006 and I can't see that changing.

To me this is a part of letting the virus win.  Are you really going to let this disease control you for the rest of your days?  You're better than that.  Just because you were infected doesn't mean you don't deserve love, sex, intimacy or anything else.  You have to let this go or you'll let it control you forevermore.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2010, 06:33:27 PM »
Since my diagnosis there hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't hated the fact of my infection and hated myself for it. I haven't shared intimacy with anyone since 2006 and I can't see that changing.

Totally understand how you feel, but I also agree with Hellraisin in that you can't let the virus control your life.  Perhaps you should speak with someone.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline HARLEY_B

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2010, 12:29:50 PM »
I've been guilty myself of beating myself up over it. I have no idea where I got it but don't stop to ponder it long since ultimately it was my responsibility to protect myself and I made some horrible choices. I just try to move forward the best I can and accept it. At least this forum puts me in contact with others like me. I don't exactly have a support group here but I've never been one to join one of those types of things..

Offline karry

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2010, 01:38:11 PM »
I've been guilty myself of beating myself up over it. I have no idea where I got it but don't stop to ponder it long since ultimately it was my responsibility to protect myself and I made some horrible choices. I just try to move forward the best I can and accept it. At least this forum puts me in contact with others like me. I don't exactly have a support group here but I've never been one to join one of those types of things..

I agree with you. Even though I knew how I got infected and who infected me, and I have a suspicion that he knew about his status, it does not change the fact that I ought to have been more careful...I made a wrong decision, and I am also accountable. And like all other wrong decisions I have made in my life, I now know better...and its easier moving on after forgiving myself and trying hard to forgive him (which is still not easy).
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Accepting Accountability
« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2010, 02:18:52 PM »
I agree with you. Even though I knew how I got infected and who infected me, and I have a suspicion that he knew about his status, it does not change the fact that I ought to have been more careful...I made a wrong decision, and I am also accountable. And like all other wrong decisions I have made in my life, I now know better...and its easier moving on after forgiving myself and trying hard to forgive him (which is still not easy).

Same here.  It took me about 4 years after my diagnosis to feel this way, only then was I able to move on and forward.  Now if I can only gain back the 35 lbs I lost during seroconversion then I would really be happy.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


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