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Author Topic: Feeling so sad  (Read 2941 times)

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Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Feeling so sad
« on: February 08, 2010, 11:59:59 PM »
as it is dealing with hiv is not easy, no users manuals issued when one is diagnosed, not to mention the confusion, the hurt, the questions that surrounds your every day life. Never thinking that one can be happy but when you meet someone you truly love even that is not enough.

When i met my partner i went off all websites that is linked to gaydar, manhunt, and likes of, i have deleted numbers from my phone of people i don't speak to anymore only keeping those whose lives i have touched and who touched mine.

so get home from work and took a nap as i was really exhausted, while i was sleeping BF takes my phone and go through my contacts and phone, something i haven't even concidered doing with him as it is his phone not mine. a sense of respect i guess. when i got up i made supper and he was gone just to sit come back home sitting with such a heavy mood that i started feeling uncomfortable when i asked what is wrong i was told nothing. this going on for hours, when i got into the bath he desided that he has to confess about going into my phone. this resulted into a fight as it is something I would never do to him.

so here i have to please explain all the numbers i have on my phone even those of my works people. I got into bed just to wake up with him at twelve pulling up the car park. no idea where he went or who he was with but just have to be happy with it as it is my loyalty at question not his. But a while ago december to be exact i made a pledge to him to always be faithful and loyal to him, honest and truthful to him. yet i am still waiting for that same pledge from him. when he is flying overseas i trust that nothing will go wrong that he is faithful and loyal to me.

when he is gone i don't even go out with friends or to family or to clubs as we have decided that we will not go into clubs while involved. but it seems it is again only one sided. I have lived with an ex's infidelity and lies, their insecurities now i am living it again or am i? sad just sad that he has to treat me the same way he treated his ex who did stuff around behind his back,

i'm at work from 6 am till 3 pm sometimes even later because of my line of work and my responsibilities towards my work from mondays to fridays. i take on private work with architecture to bring in extra income for us and to keep me busy on the days he is out of the country, just to be treated like this. is this worth it? really worth all this crap in life?

just needed venting sorry if this is a problem.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,915
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2010, 05:39:30 AM »
Angel, it seems both of you have a lot of insecurity issues.  It doesn't sound like either of you trusts the other one, and that can make for a toxic relationship.  I would suggest counseling for both of you.  Maybe separate and together; separate to help you both deal with the betrayal from the other relationships, and together so you can learn how to go about beginning to trust each other, and ways to have a relationship without all these insecurities. 

Whether it's worth it or not, I don't believe is really our place to say.  Only you and he know that.  Good luck.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2010, 06:30:50 AM »
Betty, i have learned from my past that i cannot comb everyone with the same brush from my past, i went to therapy to get over many issues i had in my life and that is how i got off the anti depressants. the past is just that the past i can't carry that baggage as it is to much so one has to let go of the past and the issues that may stop you from living life.

i have made many friends over the years also was a chaplain for the emergency services i did alot of counselling also to deal with my own fears so yes there will be numbers on my phone people i've helped, people who wanted to commit suicide, people newly diagnosed with hiv gay straight to me it is people who needed help.

i cannot change my past or that which was a calling but to embrace it and help others.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,374
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2010, 07:53:27 AM »
Angel,

It sounds like, as Betty says, couples counseling would be a good investment.  I've been with my partner for almost 20 yrs and we have twice decided to go into couples counseling to help us.  Sometimes it takes a 3rd party to help each other see things.

I also have to ask if you really are only doing things with your partner?  You state when he is out of town that you dont' even go out with friends??  If I am reading this correctly and you are only doing things with your partner (and only seeing friends with him too??), then you probably need to understand why this is true.  Personally, I need some time out with friends and/or doing things without my other half.  He is my best friend and the person I want to spend my life with, but I can't spend every waking second with him (nor he with me).

So, I say, bring up counseling with him -- a relationship takes work.  It can be far too easy to put things off and hope they will get better, but I like to the bull by the horns.

Hugs,
Mike
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Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2010, 10:35:37 AM »
My opinion, communication is key in any relationship as well as honesty and trust.  Both of you need to talk. Why don't you go with your family or friends when he's away?  Family and friends are the biggist support system anyone can have.

A relationship is always wonderful in the beginning but it takes work to keep a relationship going and it all begins with communication and trust.  It's understandable for you to have doubts since you mentioned you used to live with infedilities, lies and insecurities in the past and you certainly don't want to live through all that again....so don't.  Work on what you have. Make things different this time around. Talk to him and find out where these insecurities are coming from. 

Good Luck.  :)
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2010, 10:53:00 AM »
I think there is something wrong with him demanding that you be loyal to him without offering the same thing.  You are his partner, not his dog.  If he goes somewhere and you want to know, ask.  If he won't answer, than you have an issue.

I also think that it's important to discuss the insecurity, not the symptom.  The symptom is that you feel your partner might be cheating so you dig through his phone and email.  The insecurity is that you are afraid of being alone, as a result you begin to think your partner might be cheating ....

When you begin to address the insecurity you will be able to move past it and affectively address it.  You can then talk about what aggravates it and what your partner can do to help you overcome it.  When you work together you will strengthen your relationship.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2010, 11:24:02 AM »
I pretty much agree with all that's been said above.  I wouldn't demand total loyalty or honesty from another without extending the same 'courtesy'.  Likewise, I won't give those without receiving, either. 

It seems that some people treat loyalty or faithfulness like they're some sort of bragging rights.  They hold them up for you to comply with.  They take them out to show where they think you've let them down and to criticize your 'failures'.  (None of this is directed at you; just those that demand but don't give.) 

Instead of demanding these things from a partner, I think showing respect is much more important.  Sure, it can be a bit more vague, but it allows for the idiosyncrasies of each relationship.  There is very little that I do that my husband's not aware of... certainly nothing that he'd even care about.  There are obviously day to day activities that he may not know about, but who wants to be bothered by knowing that the other went to the bank during lunch, did this or that at work, etc.  By showing respect, I do my best to not do things that would upset my husband.  I don't always succeed, but I do try.  He does the same to me.  If I looked at his contacts on his phone, he'd tell me who they all are, but I'd never look at them (for the purposes of questioning him) in the first place.  Likewise, he'd not look at my contacts to try and 'catch' me at something. 

I feel for you, because what you've described shows dedication and loyalty on your part and immaturity and insecurity on his part.  In my mind, there are three options for you.  You can deal with and accept his behavior and the toll it takes on you,  he can change his behavior, or you can put a stop to having to deal with it.  I wish the best for you.

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Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2010, 12:21:41 PM »
how long have the two of you been together? is your first disagreement? do you live together?

depending on your answers, i may or may not have something to offer .. no point in rambling if it won't help you ...

however, i will say that stopping interacting with your friends and family is extremely unhealthy .. it removes the spark that resides in side of each of us ... in most cases, it's that spark that attracts and keeps our partners ... hope things are giong well soon :-)

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2010, 12:25:52 PM »
Angel
If he is controlling and insecure, demands that you expain yourself after every phone call or visit with a friend.....he is not for you.
I had a boyfriend who suspected me of cheating on him at every turn...wouldnt let me go to a bar alone....but HE was the one cheating.
Be careful, this type can also be violent.  If he like guns and knives,  leave him before anything escalates to violence.

Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2010, 02:40:38 AM »
thank you for the positive notes and concerns from all, i so appreciate your advice and input.

so we exchanged text messages yesterday and alot surfaced in those few hours we were apart. so here i contemplate what do do as I was so disappointed by all that has happened. Got home and Andy was getting ready for work as he was flying out to New York. So we sat down and we cleared the air between us.

I asked him to sit down and listen to me and I'll give him the chance to give his story. I asked him that in future if he wants to see what is on my phone is to do it infront of me not wait until i'm in bed or taking a nap. it is disrespectful. i always leave my phone on the kitchen counter so does he but the difference is my phone is on his is off. Rather look when i am awake and if you see something tel me and give me reason to explain before we explode like monday.

i have nothing to hide so my phone will always be available, i leave my laptop at home as i have no need to bring it to the office as we have pc's here to work on. so he has access to that and that alone shows that i trust him, he has my passwords to use the laptop, printers and modems. trust is what it is and why break that trust like he did on monday, as i said i am not hiding my phone or the numbers on it.

a while ago i made a pledge to him and never getting one back so i addressed this as well. he took for granted that it was for both and it was not it was my pledge to him. so he made a pledge to me yesterday before he left.

We sorted out all that was hanging like a cloud over us and have a better understanding now on how  to handle any situation. and to keep the energy open between us. as it is important to have an open communication channel between us.

i am pleased to say we have resolved the issues between us and kissed and make up.......

thank you all for your support it means alot to me
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2010, 04:05:58 AM »
I used to look through my boyfriends phone all the time and read his emails (I guessed the password)...the reason why was not from lack of trust (initially) but an intense curiosity, plus I wanted to know everything about this new man in my life, he seemed so deep and mysterious....  It got me in trouble several times.  And I knew it was wrong, I just couldn't seem to stop myself.  Now I don't bother because tbh it's boring. 

My point being that maybe you should be flattered that this guy wants to know everything about you (albeit by going about it the wrong way). Yeh maybe he's insecure, but hell aren't we all?!  See how it goes anyway x
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Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2010, 04:19:45 AM »
well he admitted that he is so taken by me that he can't get enough, he even said how can a sexy man like me want to be with him so my words to him was because you are just as sexy in my eyes.

we have cleared all toubles that was on the table now is to work on it.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feeling so sad
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2010, 04:24:53 AM »

will upload another pic of him

« Last Edit: February 10, 2010, 05:01:27 AM by FallenAngel »
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

 


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