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Author Topic: How do I deal with this stuff?  (Read 5677 times)

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Offline alliance

  • Member
  • Posts: 159
  • hmmmm. . .
How do I deal with this stuff?
« on: January 23, 2010, 10:05:08 AM »
Written January 22, 2010.
I found out  I was positive in October, after 3 months of dealing with GI issues including an abscess.  The docs still donít know  if I have colitis or inflammatory bowel disease, but I have been on flagyll and levaquin, antibiotics, for 6 months now. I am on atripla and improving now.

I told my boyfriend of 4 years immediately and he was supportive ( I thought it was the end of the world). I told him to get checked too and he told me he did after the holidays.  He was the top. Our history is this - After we were together 6 mos he didnít want to use condoms anymore and told me it was safe.

After he got "tested", He told me that his test was positive too, and was quite upset about it. I thought something was funny, this was very difficult, but I insisted I go to his doctor with him and confirm that he was just diagnosed, so instead of going to the doctor he came out and told me he had been positive for 4 years prior to meeting me, and agreed that I probably got it from him.  (I know itís not about blame) but I see a pattern in his behavior now of selfishness and disregard for others that is not attractive. He loves me just as much as ever and doesnt want to split up.

I am so confused.
I have to deal with this infection and my new status and my relationship.
I donít want to be with him anymore, now that I know him, we used to be so close, he was like a family member. I really miss what we had.

Can you guys weigh in on the situation I am in and how I got here and where am I going?  I feel betrayed.  I feel alone.  I feel unattractive and undesirable. I would appreciate any ANY comments. I will be getting counseling soon. Thanks.
"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality."
10/10/12   CD4=378  %=32   VL=UD
5/10/12     CD4=426  %=32  VL=UD
11/15/11   CD4=296  %=29  VL=UD(20)
6/15/11     CD4=345  %=29  VL=UD(38)
3/15/11     CD4=317  %=31  VL=UD
12/1/10     CD4=315  %=28  VL=UD
8/11/10     CD4=250  %=25  VL=UD
6/10/10     CD4=380  %=24  VL=UD
3/4/10       CD4=340  %=22   VL=UD
1/11/10     CD4=312  %=22   VL =130
11/30/09   CD4=228  %=19  VL=1726
11/20/09    started atripla
10/15/09   CD4=281  %=18   VL=85,000

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,104
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2010, 10:15:13 AM »
So what do you want us to say?  Break up with him?  I probably would, because he's basically a liar, and a really hardcore one at that.  I would think it would take some rather low self-esteem on your part to stay in that relationship.  Staying in it means you're giving him the power to continue with the bullshit, and that he basically can use you like a human doormat.

OK, you're HIV+ now because of this loser -- you should have used condoms so it's half your fault as well just always remember that, regardless if he is a major liar.  Move on.  There are much worse diseases to have than HIV as long as you maintain proper treatment, etc.  I'm not saying it's going to be a life free of medical difficulties... you know the deal, doctors appointments must be kept with regularity, you have to educate yourself about treatment, you have to be mentally well adjusted with the whole thing.  Yeah, it's that last mental component that makes me say you need to ditch this guy and start out with a fresh slate.  Posting on here is good but you might find benefit from locating a local support group and attending for a while, or even one-on-one counseling like you mentioned.

Oh, and there's no need to feel unattractive and undesirable.  Go buy yourself some new shoes and cheer up.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline redhotmuslbear

  • Member
  • Posts: 605
  • A genuine certified freak of nature, and a hot one
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 10:32:21 AM »
I'll be honest:  this story infuriates and saddens me.  It's behavior like this that has led to laws uniquely criminalizing sex-while-positive.  A person who truly loves you does not withhold important information from you, e.g. his serostatus, while manipulating you into receiving unprotected anal intercourse.  Doing so demonstrates his putting a desire for certain sensations or the feeling of control above your health and safety.  For a survivor of intimate partner violence, it's particularly upsetting to observe.

My suggestions to you are these:

1.  Engage a psychotherapist to work out your feelings about what has occurred.  Trying to work it our on your own will always get stuck in conflicting feelings, but working it out with an objective professional will help you make progress.  Don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up for being tricked into taking your ex's loads.  You need to understand why you did what you did, then learn to accept it and move on.  If finding peace also requires prosecuting your ex, so be it.

2.  Don't expend your energies on trying to understand why your ex did what he did--that's for him to figure out.

Namaste,
David
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,965
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2010, 10:53:05 AM »
Hi Alliance:

Almost 6-1/2 years ago I met the person who was then B/F.  We met in November.  I remember having conversations (that he would initiate) about someone being HIV+ and how he would react if he found out that someone was HIV+ and hadn't told him.  I didn't get the hints/clues.  Two months into the relationship --- which was filled w/ 100% unprotected sex -- I found his Kaletra hidden in the refrigerator.  I didn't know what it was and looked it up.  I was devastated when I found out that it was an antiretroviral.  But, as one of the early posts stated - my self esteem was low and I had been so happy to have found someone who loved me and who I loved.  I told him that I knew he was positive but that it was okay.  We stayed together --- but what had been a loving (at least to me) relationship soon quickly went down hill.  Mainly because I could not get over, as much as I tried, on a deep level the fact that he knew he was positive and kept it from me.  I accepted my share of the responisibility for having unprotected sex --- but the overall damage to the relationship was done.  For the next few years we struggled thru a relationship that really had ended in that January of 2004 - when I found the pills.  Although he was undetectable, after 6 years together, I did eventually test positive.  And, on the day I found out that I was positive --- he dipped, decided he didn't want to be with me and pointed out that the relationship had really been over for quite some time.  So, move on early on...... Go thru as the pain does not get easier to deal with if you stay in -- it gets worse.  Thankfully, I have a great support network and I'm relatively healthy (just started meds 12/09 -- was diagnosed 09/08).  Keep your head up --- enjoy life -- as I am doing -- and don't settle for anything less than the best for urself  -- which has to start with u loving u - unconditionally.
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Thinkahead55

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2010, 05:03:36 PM »
How to deal with it?  As I read your message, I thought you were going to ask whether a gun, bat or chinese water torture would be the most appropriate to return the favor.  I was ready to opine on that, but less ready on this side.  Sorry, I am hetro and long term +, but don't think that really matters here.  I committed the day I learned that I would never infect another person.  Anything short of that, is inexcusable in my book.  I would recommend you to pursue legal action, except that will exposure your +, and that is probably a bad thing.  Nobody that would infect you intentionally has your best interest in mind, and never will.  What you choose in the form of retribution is up to you, but beyond that, get the fuck away.  Get counseling, which should help, and look to build trust with someone else.  The problem with no legal action is that he will just go do this to someone else, which should give you pause in just walking away.  I would desperately want to prevent that.

I will give you an analogy.  This is no different than a person without legs cutting off your legs while you are sleeping so that you will be on the same level and will be able to maintain a more relationship with them.  Good luck.  It isn't a death sentence, there is a tomorrow, but don't go on in this relationship as is. 
1984 - contracted HIV (transfusion)
1991 - diagnosed HIV positive
CD4>600, VL undetectable since 2002

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2010, 05:16:11 PM »
Eh, why always with the blaming?

Let Matty the Damned preface his remarks by quoting another long standing member of these here forums:

"To agree to unprotected sexual intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI."

It's understandable that folk wanna find someone to blame when they learn they have HIV. But attactive as that is at the outset, it almost inevitably leads to long term misery for the blamer.

As sexually active adults we all must take responsibility for our sexual decisions. Ok your partner had the Plague and didn't tell you. Sure you trusted your partner when he told you it was safe to fuck pink on pink.

With great respect to the OP (I know you're new to this and it's distressing for you right now) you ultimately made the decision to let him fuck you unprotected. Unless I'm reading this wrong, the sex wasn't forced on you.

Sure trickery and deceit may have been involved, but as adults we are expected to be cogniscant of such things. Sometimes the people we love most are the ones who let us down.

Now, you can do the blaming thing, but if you're honest with yourself (I mean really honest) you'll evetually realise that the only one to blame for this is yourself.

So enough with with blaming. Don't go there. You're HIV+. It cannot be altered. You can wallow in the grim past or you can get on with your life.

You cannot do both.

MtD

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2010, 06:07:50 PM »
Hey there, welcome to the forums and sorry about your recent diagnosis.  

I have to agree with everyone who is telling you that at this point all that matters is taking care of yourself and moving forward.  The blame game will not be helpful here as we are responsible for our actions and where they have taken us.  Yes, you trusted this person, but trust involves risk and [often times] consequences.


I am so confused.
I have to deal with this infection and my new status and my relationship.
I donít want to be with him anymore, now that I know him, we used to be so close, he was like a family member. I really miss what we had.

Can you guys weigh in on the situation I am in and how I got here and where am I going?  I feel betrayed.  I feel alone.  I feel unattractive and undesirable. I would appreciate any ANY comments. I will be getting counseling soon. Thanks.

- Being confused is normal this early in your after-HIV life.  You just make sure that you have a good doctor, monitor your numbers, and adhere to the treatment that you started.

- Focus on what matters most at this moment: you and your health.  Relationships come and go.  Men are like buses, and if you miss one another one is bound to come by at a later point.

- This person does not deserve your trust.  If you stay with him the door will remain open for additional lies, abuse, and perhaps other STDs if he is playing around unprotected.

- Do not allow self-pity to take over.  You have HIV, not some sort of Scarlet Letter that makes you "unattractive" or "undesirable."  This is a virus, not a deficit.  As long as you take care of yourself you'll stay healthy and [with today's less toxic/damaging options] your body won't have to show the damage.

- Counseling is a good thing.  You may need to voice these feelings of betrayal, perhaps guilt, and whatever baggage that this infection (and this relationship) has brought into your life.  You will know yourself better, learn to love yourself better afterwards, and will feel better equipped to go on with the battle.

At any rate, best of health and luck.  We are here for ya.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,702
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2010, 09:21:39 PM »
Can you guys weigh in on the situation I am in and how I got here and where am I going?  I feel betrayed.  I feel alone.  I feel unattractive and undesirable. I would appreciate any ANY comments. I will be getting counseling soon. Thanks.

Hi

1) Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. What a shock it must be. Welcome to the forum.
2) I agree with you, your bf has betrayed you horribly with his lie and his selfishness.  I think you should quit him and find a safe place as soon as possible. If you live together, whos house or apartment is it? Throw him out if it is yours. If not, go to friends or family. You need to be around people who are 100% supportive of you.
3) unttractive and undesireable - this is too technical to give advice but I am sure you can open this up with your therapist. 
2 again - please run away from this person. There is no trust left.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2010, 10:30:06 PM »
The only thing you need to worry about dealing with is taking care of yourself.  Don't think about him right now, it doesn't matter that he still wants to be with you and still loves you.  He manipulated you before and he will continue to, if you let him.  Don't listen to anything he says.
The person who infected me was extremely manipulative.  From my experience, they don't love, they love the power they have over you and what they can make you do.
Change your numbers and your locks, get mean and ugly, if you need to.  If he has anything at your house, tell him he was till "so and so" to get it and if he doesn't its going in the trash or its being donated.
Stay strong and stay away from him. 
Good Luck!
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline GNYC09

  • Member
  • Posts: 702
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2010, 10:40:15 PM »
You feel betrayed because you were.  He sat around while the virus got a hold of you and while you got sick.  If he didn't care about your health, what makes you think he'll care about your heart?

You deserve better.  I wish you the best of luck as you emerge successfully from this difficult situation. 

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,886
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2010, 02:58:55 AM »
When I read where an HIVer was charged with a crime, I don't like it.  However, what do you do with people like this?  Just let them pass the virus intentionally to one person after the next?  Do you just say it takes two to tangle?  This guy knew he was poz and suggested not using condoms.  It would kill me to know I gave the virus to someone else.  I'm just asking questions here...not saying he should be charged.  I still haven't made up my mind on that issue.   But, do we have the responsibility to stop someone like him from doing it again?  Or, just say the next person should have used condoms?

Can a gay person never be in a relationship with unprotected sex like our straight friends?  Heteros do get the virus, but not at the levels of us gays.  My straight friend is more likely to get some other kind of STD if his girlfriend cheats on him.  I could possibly see an HIVer making a bad decision once and then come clean.  This guy seemed to have a plan.  I'm so sorry he did this to you.  I guess the best thing to do is to both get tested prior to going BB if that is where the relationship is heading and not trust what they tell ya.     

Offline pozniceguy

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  • Posts: 1,177
  • Niceguy Dallas
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2010, 03:05:46 PM »
I think  that oft stated advice that if you are going to have unprotected sex with ANYBODY that you need to have certainty there is nothing to catch... use condoms or have a test together with shared results , this not a case of  a teenager trying get get someone to "prove you love me" by having unprotected sex..this is a situation of a person who knows he is passing on a serious disease...   he needs to be "outed" in some way...strong sentiment , I know, but he needs to wear a "yellow star"  in the community..  if not in actuality..

Nick
remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2010, 03:08:08 PM »
he needs to be "outed" in some way...strong sentiment , I know, but he needs to wear a "yellow star"  in the community..  if not in actuality..

Jesus Nick.  ::) Would it have killed you to say "scarlet letter" instead?

MtD

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2010, 04:54:11 PM »



   Sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis and your partner's betrayal of your trust.  Worry about you right now and distance yourself from this individual.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Hellraiser

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,136
  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2010, 05:35:01 PM »
How do I deal with this stuff?

One day and one problem at a time.

With everything and every person in life I try to objectively analyze something and see whether or not it makes me happy.  If someone knowingly lied to me and gave me a serious disease I don't think I could love them anymore.

Offline alliance

  • Member
  • Posts: 159
  • hmmmm. . .
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2010, 12:12:50 AM »
Some hypothetical questions to help me further sort this out, then.

1) Is a person who knowingly withholds their positive status from someone for 3 years of unprotected sex at the positive personís suggestion not worthy of ever having a partner,  any partner? 
2) Would you date someone that you knew did this to someone?
3) Do you see any room for forgiveness or redemption here?

I appreciate everyoneís opinion and contributions.  This forum has been very helpful to me so far.  Thank You, everyone.
"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality."
10/10/12   CD4=378  %=32   VL=UD
5/10/12     CD4=426  %=32  VL=UD
11/15/11   CD4=296  %=29  VL=UD(20)
6/15/11     CD4=345  %=29  VL=UD(38)
3/15/11     CD4=317  %=31  VL=UD
12/1/10     CD4=315  %=28  VL=UD
8/11/10     CD4=250  %=25  VL=UD
6/10/10     CD4=380  %=24  VL=UD
3/4/10       CD4=340  %=22   VL=UD
1/11/10     CD4=312  %=22   VL =130
11/30/09   CD4=228  %=19  VL=1726
11/20/09    started atripla
10/15/09   CD4=281  %=18   VL=85,000

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #16 on: January 26, 2010, 12:33:54 AM »
Some hypothetical questions to help me further sort this out, then.

1) Is a person who knowingly withholds their positive status from someone for 3 years of unprotected sex at the positive personís suggestion not worthy of ever having a partner,  any partner? 
2) Would you date someone that you knew did this to someone?
3) Do you see any room for forgiveness or redemption here?

I appreciate everyoneís opinion and contributions.  This forum has been very helpful to me so far.  Thank You, everyone.


1) They would not be worthy of me.  What ever they do after the break-up is on them, it would be out of my mind.
2) No, just like I would not date someone I knew had cheated in a previous relationship.  I need trust and if I can't trust a person they're once again not worthy of my time.
3) Perhaps yes, for your own good though I would like to suggest concentrating on self right now. Either way whatever you choose it's your decision.  Only you know what the guy is like on a personal level.  You may forgive him tomorrow or 10 years from now.  There is no wrong way about this.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Nestor

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  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #17 on: January 26, 2010, 11:04:02 PM »
Quote
Do you see any room for forgiveness or redemption here?

Of course I believe in forgiveness and redemption.  But the conditions are 1. Real contrition--he has to realize the gravity of what he did, feel genuinely bad about it, and show that he's a different person from the one who did what he did.  2. Restitution.  He can't exactly undo what he did, but he can do something to make up for it.  In this case, several decades of service might do the trick.   

But the question here is not merely one of forgiveness.  You may well wish to forgive him; I hope you do; but forgiving someone does not necessarily imply remaining in a love relationship with him. 

What I can't reconcile myself to, in your story, is that he was the one who wanted not to use condoms.  He knew that he had HIV, and he was the top, and he proposed not using condoms.  That was (barring some mitigating factor that we don't know about) tantamount to intentionally giving you HIV.  And not in one moment only--for the things we do in brief moments can be attributed to passion or carelessness--but day after day, for four years, with someone with whom he shared a love relationship.  The fact that, when you were going through your own crisis, he managed to go through the whole charade of pretending to get tested suggests to me a fairly high level of callousness. 

Only you know him.  I assume you have talked these things over with him fully--asked him what was in his mind when he proposed not using condoms, etc.  Are you satisfied with what he has said? 





Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,104
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #18 on: January 26, 2010, 11:10:59 PM »
Uh, the guy also tried to blame "alliance" for infecting him, until "alliance" insisted on going to the doctor with him to confirm the diagnosis.  Only then did he fess up.  He's not just a liar, he's a pathological one. 

How many flashing red lights does one person need?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2010, 02:05:49 AM »
Find a way to but the bastard in jail .. forgive him because forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about you and you have to live your life (I finally forgave an ex of mine this week who was extremely abusive, I feel better) ..

But if you can stick him in jail .. he should go .. sorry, but what he did is beyond wrong ...

I was infected by an ex as well and he has a loop hole to escape jail ... he didn't know he had it, just lied about being tested ... so he truly didn't know he had it ... your's knew it ... that is just wrong ...

btw, being a top or a bottom may help you play the odds, but it doesn't mean anything ... i'm a top and i got it ...

Offline wow1969

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Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2010, 02:10:32 AM »
Some hypothetical questions to help me further sort this out, then.

1) Is a person who knowingly withholds their positive status from someone for 3 years of unprotected sex at the positive personís suggestion not worthy of ever having a partner,  any partner? 
2) Would you date someone that you knew did this to someone?
3) Do you see any room for forgiveness or redemption here?

I appreciate everyoneís opinion and contributions.  This forum has been very helpful to me so far.  Thank You, everyone.

1. i have no idea how to answer this ...that is not my place to judge a persons life for ever ...
2. NO NO NO ... sorry, but what he did is about the same thing as attempted murder ... why bring a monster into my life ... in addition, put him in jail ... if he did this to you, he will do it to someone else ...
3. Yes, but only because forgiveness is not about him it's about you ... you need to be free of this to move forward ... just because you forgive him, doesn't mean you think his actions are right ... it means you are free ...

Offline alliance

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  • Posts: 159
  • hmmmm. . .
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2010, 10:29:45 PM »
Thank You so much everyone on this site. Your comments on this thread have helped me a lot, and I have spent a lot of time wandering around here just reading and getting used to this stuff.

I wanted to let you all know how Iím doing, since you were all so considerate to help me out.  I have put the relationship on hold, sometimes I get very angry, sometimes very sad about the whole thing. I am avoiding contact.

Nestor, no, I am not satisfied with any thing he has said about this. I have seen a therapist, who suggested I just do exactly what I am doing and what many of you suggested, distance myself from him, deal with it when I am ready, but deal with it. There were also a few books recommended to me, meanwhile (one is about forgiveness, wow1969).  I am focusing on myself now, eating well, exercising and meeting friends for dinner occasionally. Its getting easier and easier to think about life without him, maybe even catching another "bus" - live by the moon.

I explained my whole situation to only one friend, who had a reaction similar to most of you, but when I mention only that I am ending this relationship to others who know us both, I have a hard time explaining why without complete disclosure.  On the one hand --I want to brand him like Nick or MtD suggested (or worse), and let everyone know what he did to me.  On the other hand I do not want to disclose my status, forever, and regret it.  All the comments here are so helpful to me, and I would appreciate some more regarding  my  latest dilemma of explanation vs. complete  disclosure. Even a ďhell I donít knowĒ helps. Thanks folks- all of you.
"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality."
10/10/12   CD4=378  %=32   VL=UD
5/10/12     CD4=426  %=32  VL=UD
11/15/11   CD4=296  %=29  VL=UD(20)
6/15/11     CD4=345  %=29  VL=UD(38)
3/15/11     CD4=317  %=31  VL=UD
12/1/10     CD4=315  %=28  VL=UD
8/11/10     CD4=250  %=25  VL=UD
6/10/10     CD4=380  %=24  VL=UD
3/4/10       CD4=340  %=22   VL=UD
1/11/10     CD4=312  %=22   VL =130
11/30/09   CD4=228  %=19  VL=1726
11/20/09    started atripla
10/15/09   CD4=281  %=18   VL=85,000

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2010, 12:42:58 AM »
Alliance,
  I am sorry to hear you are now poz.  However, I am glad you found this site and that you are finding support.  Life is alot like playing cards.  You can't always guess at the hand you are dealt, and you must make the most of it.  There are a couple of mantra I want to share in hopes that they will help you find your way.

1. Things happen for a reason.
2.  That which does not destroy you makes you a stronger person.
3.  Never burn a bridge you might need to cross again.


There are many who would encourage you to end your relationship.  There is certainly some accounting needed for the lack of disclosure.  I'm not going to make any excuses for him.

That said, I would encourage you to take inventory of your relationship.  Four years is a long time.  Add up the parts you like, subtract the parts you don't.  Make a list of what is broken.  Does the relationship still have value?  Only you can answer that.

Can the parts that are broken be fixed?  Do you want to fix the trust and the communication?  Is he willing to address these problems?  Again, only you know the answer to this.  In the gay community people are so quick to tear other's relationships up.  It may be the right time for you to end it and move on, but you may be able to overcome and move forward.  Do what is right for you.

As for your partner.  If you have not done so, I would encourage you to try to have a open discussion about HIV, disclosure, and what's going on.  It may help to have a counselor and some ground rules.  Ground rules would be things like No hitting the other participant because you don't like what they said.  It will not be easy, but the demons will keep nipping at your heels until you deal with them.  If you aren't ready, I understand.  Just realize that you cannot run or hide from them.  Only you have the power to vanquish your problems.  And oh by the way, there is no excuse for what he did in my opinion.  However, I'm not the one in the relationship, you are.  You may never forgive, and you will not likely forget.  That's okay.

Just remember you do not have the power to change what has already happened.  You can't take HIV back for a refund, you can give it away, but you can't get rid of it.  If you ignore it, it will tear the house up.  You can only make the best of it.

One thing in particular I would encourage you to get from your partner is information about his treatment and virus.  In particular his genotype and resistance information will be helpful to you.  He may also be able to help you cope with adjusting to the realities of life with HIV.  My point here is not to burn the bridge...... not yet. 

Lastly, and with some hesitation..... I want to encourage you to think about your past.  I am *NOT* encouraging you to blame yourself.  I do however want you to be honest in thinking about your behavior before your relationship.  I generally dislike "inevitable" conversations and I despise blame the victim conversations.  So please do not take what I am going to suggest that way.  Instead, I want you to just think about the situation.  In particular, I want you to think about your risk level.  Were you the adherent, condoms always, no risk kinda guy? or did you live wild and engage in random/anonymous sex in places like bookstores, baths, and online?  There is no right or wrong answer here.  For what it's worth, I'm the second kinda guy.... :)  <oink>  What I want you to think about is if your behavior had risk or not.  Did your partner fall in the norm of your experiences? i.e. was he a high risk partner? or your normal type of guy? 

By this point you may be fuming at me.  Just bear with me a second.  You have to look at the past to appreciate the future.  It's very easy to throw away a relationship.  It sucks waking up alone and being single.  A bad relationship sucks worse.... so pick your poison.

I do want you to think about the future.  You and I have it much easier than those who were infected 15 and 20 years ago.  Much easier.  We have a buffet of drugs, great knowledge, and the opportunity to live a pretty normal life.    HIV is almost like diabetes in that it can be managed pretty effectively.  It should not limit you from most things that you have always dreamed about.  It certainly should not hold you back.  It will however make you question things.  You will feel angry, hopeless, sad, happy and all manner of emotions very intensely.  This will go on for a while, maybe a year or two.  Eventually, you will adjust and hopefully overcome.  You see, things haven't changed as much as your awareness of them has changed.  We've always had the option of giving up, of quitting all of our lives.  We just never think about it.  As a result we plod through life on cruise control, getting up each day, sometimes substituting "one day" for today.  HIV disturbs that routine and in doing so makes you much more aware that every day is special. 

I hope that you will do what is best for you.  Take the path that gives you the most peace, the most benefit, and a loving and supportive environment.  If you can work through what has happened you may emerge with a stronger relationship.  If you do have to end it, remember to do so with dignity and respect.  At the end of the day what matters most is what you think.  Follow your hunches, trust your instinct, do what is right for you.

-Brian
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2010, 12:55:52 AM »
I just saw your last post..... about disclosure.  Play poker.... or chess.  Be strategic.

Revenge tastes great, but it causes all sorts of headaches.  Pursuing "justice" would probably cause you more stress and more headaches.  I'm not terribly religious (except during earthquakes and on commuter aircraft)... but I believe we can take some direction from things that are religious.  In particular to treat others as you would be treated. 

It's often difficult to do what is best for ourselves.  The temptation to lash out feels like it would be so good.  "Friends" will often encourage you to lash out (misery loves company), and pry you for gossip and dirt.  Resist the urge to roll in crap.  It won't smell any better after you roll around in it then it does when you step over it and put it in your past.  It's rolling around in crap when you gossip and engage in vengeful behavior.  All you do is re-open the wound, rub salt vigorously, and see how bad it hurts.  Healing rarely rewards that behavior.

You may need to re-open the wound by talking about it, examine it with the light of truth, and bring closure to it with forward motion.  One of the first steps in solving problems is to identify the ones you can't fix.  The power to identify that which you can't control can help you focus on the problems you can control.

I can't stress enough to fully evaluate the benefits and drawbacks before making a move. 

Karma is a tough banker.  You can make deposits with good karma, and withdrawals with bad.  It's best not to bounce checks on Karma though because it comes back to bite you in the ass.  Revenge and hate are not ingredients in good karma.  They are bitter pills that will sour your life until you let them be.  I wish I could tell you something nicer about them. 

Just remember that each day can be special.  HIV isn't the only tiger in the jungle.  You also don't have to let HIV run your life.  I personally try to be someone who has HIV, not the other way around. 
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline Gambit

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  • Posts: 24
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #24 on: February 05, 2010, 03:28:56 AM »
Hi Alliance.  I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  Especially the way you got it.. that's terrible. 

I hope you can get past all of this.  I know it must be hard to know you trusted someone for that long, and they obviously didn't have your best interest in mind.  Knowingly putting you at risk (when they KNOW they have the disease) just isn't right.  I'm not going to tell you what you should do in that situation, as it is definitely your call as to where your relationship goes with him.  But I hope everything goes ok with you.  Keep your head up.
01-07-10 --- CD4 = 347 / VL = 19,000 / % = 23
02-09-10 --- Started Atripla
02-25-10 --- CD4 = 478 / VL = 260
04-08-10 --- CD4 = 720 / VL = 120
07-13-10 --- CD4 = 798 / VL = UD
10-13-10 --- CD4 = 570 / VL = UD
12-14-10 --- CD4 = 446 / VL = UD / % = 39
03-15-11 --- CD4 = 562 / VL = UD
06-28-11 --- CD4 = 580 / VL = UD
10-18-11 --- CD4 = NA /  VL = UD
02-21-12 --- CD4 = 865 / VL = UD / % = 41
07-03-12 --- CD4 = 507 / VL = UD / % = 36

Offline alliance

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  • Posts: 159
  • hmmmm. . .
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #25 on: February 07, 2010, 12:13:46 AM »

Hotpuppy said:
"You may need to re-open the wound by talking about it, examine it with the light of truth, and bring closure to it with forward motion.  One of the first steps in solving problems is to identify the ones you can't fix.  The power to identify that which you can't control can help you focus on the problems you can control."

Profound. This looks like what I am trying to do, but to see it in words just gives me more direction. Thank You.

« Last Edit: February 07, 2010, 12:20:46 AM by alliance »
"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality."
10/10/12   CD4=378  %=32   VL=UD
5/10/12     CD4=426  %=32  VL=UD
11/15/11   CD4=296  %=29  VL=UD(20)
6/15/11     CD4=345  %=29  VL=UD(38)
3/15/11     CD4=317  %=31  VL=UD
12/1/10     CD4=315  %=28  VL=UD
8/11/10     CD4=250  %=25  VL=UD
6/10/10     CD4=380  %=24  VL=UD
3/4/10       CD4=340  %=22   VL=UD
1/11/10     CD4=312  %=22   VL =130
11/30/09   CD4=228  %=19  VL=1726
11/20/09    started atripla
10/15/09   CD4=281  %=18   VL=85,000

Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #26 on: February 09, 2010, 11:13:17 AM »
Alliance,
  I just wish I could say something to make it easier for you.  :( 

On another note, I can't emphasize enough the importance of aligning your actions with what benefits you mentally, spiritually, and physically.  Doing this makes life better. 

While some things may fool you into feeling better for the short term, those actions typically come at a price mentally or spiritually. 

All of this being said, there is still a fundamental show stopper in giving someone HIV.  The only plausible explanation is some sort of denial.  It won't make it right, but chances are there was something that you fell in love with or you wouldn't have made it 4 years.

My point here is that we are all imperfect.  Each and every one of us has a scratch, a blemish, a bald spot.  Some are more visible, some are external, some are hidden, and some are internal.  It's very possible that moving on is what is best for you.  It's also possible that you and your partner can somehow work through what has happened.  Chances are that the infection occurred shortly after you stopped having safe sex, say in a 3 to 6 month window.  That means that you have been together for 3 years with both of you being poz.  The only thing that has changed is that you became aware of your status and found out that he was not honest about his.  What he did was still morally wrong and he needs to get right with it.  Your choices boil down to moving past it through forgiveness and acknowledgement, or enacting some sort of revenge which will simply dig deeper into the drama.

Ultimately, each of us got our virus from someone.  Each of us has to come to terms with the fact that at the end of the day we have our virus.  We also have a finite amount of good health. Everyone does actually.  Being HIV+ we just happen to be more aware that there is a finite amount of good health.  You can do things like take meds, be good to your body, and eliminate (not reduce) stress from your life.  These things will give you more good health.  You can do things like party, get high, be bad to your body and eat poorly.  The bad things will take good health from you. 

I don't want to tell you what to do or push too hard.  After all, it's your path to walk.  Hopefully, this is food for thought that helps you ponder the right questions and arrive at the answers you need.

One other tidbit.  I highly recommend blogging, journaling, or a diary.  You can make up a name and pick any number of free spots for blogging.  It gives you an outlet for your thoughts and many find that the act of writing helps.  For me when I write about something I seem to process through it and am able to let go of something easier.

-Brian
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline pos2007

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  • Posts: 116
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2010, 05:43:39 PM »
Hellraiser gave good advice. 1 thing and one day at a time. something I  had to learn. Tackle 1 issue. when you are done with that  then   the next. That is the only  way to  keep from being overwhelmed and to adequately sort things  out.  You  will spend  a lot of time searching for answers including was your partner a skunk that has covered you with a permanent stink. sometimes that  is not the case. It is possible that he hid his HIV due to fear or shame or  let  you become infected so  he is not ultimately  alone  with this disease. It is a lot of burden to  sort out but you can do  it. GOOD LUCK!
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2010, 04:56:05 PM »
I am so sorry that this has happened to you and the only thing that matters now, is you.  You seem to have a good grip on moving forward and what I think you should do, is irrelevant, as I am not a part of your life.  What I can tell you however, is that he is a liar and manipulator and he will never change.  A betrayal, such as his, for me, removes any foundation of trust in the relationship and without that, you have nothing.  Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him, but now is not the time to consider that option.  You are doing the right thing by separating yourself and you must stay in complete control, over any contact that you have with him.

This is one time in your life, when being selfish is critical to your recovery on the many issues that you face.  You are now poz, but you still remain the man you are, you just have a virus.  Take the time you need to consider your options and take it very slow, as your decision making capacity is fairly diminished because of the stress you are under.  Take care of you and remember that all the other... is just stuff.

Offline confuzedNY

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Re: How do I deal with this stuff?
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2010, 08:00:38 PM »


Hey Alliance...

At this point there is really not much you can do about the past, you have to just move forward and take care of yourself. You cant be really thinking to much about the past as it will just bring you down and its not like we can turn back time and have the opportunity to do things differently so just keep your head up and know that you are not alone....

 


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