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Russian Roulette

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Cat:
This is my 1st post since the forum switched over.  My husband and I have been in counseling the past year as you all recommended.  What's changed.... I've given in to taking some risks which has made the overall marriage better.  But back in my mind, I know I'm playing Russian roulette. 

My husband shows me statistic after statistic of how low some risks are to the point of almost no risk.  If his viral load remain undetectable then I should be at low risk?  I've read all your information on oral sex for example so I wouldn't say I live in fear I'm going to catch the disease but it does sit in the back of my mind.  No matter what risk I give into, I'm never good enough. 

My twins are growing up so fast.  They are 4 now.  I pray God will help me through indecisive times and show me the way.  I hope I'm balancing taking appropriate risks to have a healthy marriage.  I'm just rambling now.  Can sleep tonight and have been thinking too much about my life and the future.

Cat

Nadine:
Cat,

I'm happy to see you made it here to the new forums. I've often wondered about how you were doing. How is your husband feeling these days? Last I talked to you he was doing great. Physically, my husband is doing just fine, his numbers are all heading in the right direction. His next appointment is Sept. 15. He has had a bout with depression, but it seems that is under control now.

I have the same worries that you do, I'm sure it's natural. It has just been over a year now since my husbands diagnosis and to tell you the truth, when it comes to sex, getting HIV is the furthest thing from my mind, but it hasn't always been this way. I have learned so much from these forums. I don't know where I'd be today if I had not stumbled across this site. We have wonderful support through his doctor & nurse, we have even talked to the social worker there a few times, but there is nothing like talking to real people living with HIV.

Hang in there Cat, you're gonna be just fine. Hug those twins for me!

wellington:
Hi Cat.

I'm in a sero-discordant relationship also but I'm the positive partner. When I was diagnosed earlier this year, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I was ill with PCP and could barely summon the strength to make a cup of coffee let alone function in bed. After reading your post, I can't help but think about the things that might be going through my partner's head. We talk alot, which is a very, very good thing, but it's not always easy to translate emotions into words. Your posting expresses sentiments that I think he really must feel but is unable yet to put into words.

Our sex life has mostly returned to what was normal for us. I say mostly because there are now a few acts on the no-no list. The most prominent of these is in the category of oral sex, which is fine if I am performing upon him but there is presently no reciprocation, unless I'm wearing a condom. It bothers me a little, but hell, neither of us wants him to get infected and there are many other things to do in the bedroom - and other places :D

I'm not advocating that you rethink your choice to have oral sex, but I'm concerned that your feelings of Russian Roulette can't be good for your mental health. I hope at a minimum that you're able to talk with your partner about it and find ways to develop intimacy between you that does not make either feel at risk.

Wishing you happiness and comfort,

Andy Velez:
Cat, it's been a long time. Glad to hear the children are doing well and that your life in general is better.

I can't help wondering if you are implicitly saying you are having unprotected intercourse with your husband. If that is so then obviously the choice is yours. But if so I am troubled about because very low risk is not the same as no risk. As a woman you are significantly more vulnerable in relation to unprotected intercourse than an sero-negative man would be.

Please clarify if I am missing something here.

Cheers, 

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