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Author Topic: FallenAngel's jokes of the day  (Read 10316 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
THE SHOEBOX
« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2010, 03:37:03 AM »

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to knit!

Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
« Reply #51 on: January 22, 2010, 05:18:13 AM »


 
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
 
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
 
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
 
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'
 
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
 
She ran out of the room.....
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #52 on: January 22, 2010, 05:19:46 AM »
Computer Problems


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'         
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T   

I used to like Eric, the little b*st*rd   
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,959
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #53 on: January 22, 2010, 05:23:31 AM »
dude, if a tree falls in the forest...

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #54 on: January 22, 2010, 07:10:47 AM »
it will all be due to global warming ..........LOL
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
What is Celibacy?
« Reply #55 on: January 26, 2010, 06:07:26 AM »


 
 Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
 the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
 things that are important to each other.."
 
He then addressed the men,
 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
 
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
 
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
 
And, thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
New Employment Rules
« Reply #56 on: January 26, 2010, 07:06:43 AM »
 
 
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
 
MARTENITY LEAVE
Kort Kort pregnant is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you'll then be allowed to do pregnancy. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to her wife's pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker).
 
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
 
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
 
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
 
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..
 
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
 
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day

HR

PS - please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Another one for St. Peter......
« Reply #57 on: January 27, 2010, 07:23:01 AM »
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
 
 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
 One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
       
 
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
 They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'
 
 
 The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
 The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'
                 
 
 
 
 
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man..  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
 The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied..  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   
 This is Heaven!'
 
 
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
                                             
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
WHERE DO RED- HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
« Reply #58 on: January 27, 2010, 07:26:50 AM »


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!'


'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have s#x???'
 
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
'I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!'
The doctor said confidently.
 
'It's rust.'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Why, Why, Why
« Reply #59 on: January 27, 2010, 07:28:41 AM »
   
   
   Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
   
   Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
   
   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
   
   Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
   
   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
   
   Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
   
   Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
   
   Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
   
   Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
   
   If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
   
   Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
   
   Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
   
   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
   
   Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
   
   Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
   
   How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
   
   When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
   
   Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
   
   In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
   
   How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
   
   And my FAVORITE...
   
   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline john33

  • Member
  • Posts: 407
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #60 on: January 27, 2010, 08:52:55 AM »
i just need to add to that,

why does toast always fall onto the carpet butter side down ;D

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Urology Vs Orthopedics
« Reply #61 on: January 29, 2010, 01:12:41 AM »
When George first noticed that his ding a ling
was growing larger and staying
up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
 


But after several weeks,
it had grown to nearly twenty inches.
 


George became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.


After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
 



'How long will George be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.


'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?
responded the surprised doctor
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen
his legs AREN'T you?
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline darkerpozz

  • Member
  • Posts: 140
  • I'll be with you in a sec...
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #62 on: January 29, 2010, 02:35:50 AM »
thanks fallen I needed those,I now have o huge smile stuck to my face

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #63 on: January 29, 2010, 03:10:26 AM »
in my case they will have to shorten my legs........LOL ;D
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
BRILLIANT!!!!!
« Reply #64 on: January 29, 2010, 03:50:58 AM »
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.  Both
of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "So, you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then
she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and  hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Bliksem!  Adam ate the apple, too!  Men will never learn!
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Maharishi Fattifatbastard's Guide to Zen
« Reply #65 on: February 22, 2010, 07:06:52 AM »



Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just *#!! off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #66 on: February 23, 2010, 11:46:17 PM »

This letter was sent to the  Knysna School  Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received  a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today:

Dear Knysna School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at  the Golden Years Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away, and  I am all alone, and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #67 on: February 23, 2010, 11:46:55 PM »
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Vigr?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Vigr'. It's when
you drop the Vigr tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, goodness gracious me!  It was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Fook me, no no no,  it was the best sx I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Mugg 'n Bean again!'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #68 on: February 23, 2010, 11:47:34 PM »
2010 Tax Code
 
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male pen!s.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around  unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is p!ssed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!
 
HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2010, the pen!s will now be taxed according to size:
 
The brackets are as follows:
  5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax     R20.00   
10 - 20 cm. Priviledge Tax R100.00
20 - 25 cm Pole Tax           R200.00
25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax      R300.00
 
Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.

 Those under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
2 chimps and a blond
« Reply #69 on: March 19, 2010, 05:27:15 AM »
 A blonde lady motorist was close to Laingsburg when she was flagged down
> by a man whose truck had broken down.
>
> The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Cape Town?"
>
> "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
>
> "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
> problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
> to the Tygerberg Zoo in Cape Town.
>
> They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road
> all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
>
> I'll give you R500 for your trouble."
>
> "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
>
> So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
> car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
>
> Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the centre of
> Cape Town when suddenly he was horrified!!
>
> There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
> two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
>
> With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
> blonde.
>
> "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you R500 to
> take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
>
> "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so
> now we're going to the Aquarium !
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
7 kinds of sex......
« Reply #70 on: March 19, 2010, 05:28:22 AM »
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
 
The 3rd kind of sex is called .... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.  Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom..
 
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex..
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.  When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ..
 
'F**k You.'
 
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
 
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.  She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
 
And Last ... But Not Least ...
 
The 7th kind of sex is called ... State Pension Sex.
 You get a little each month.  But not enough to enjoy your self.
 
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME

WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
 
I have enough problems of my own !
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
« Reply #71 on: March 19, 2010, 05:30:26 AM »
  
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Married life....
« Reply #72 on: March 23, 2010, 02:36:21 AM »
* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married..
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
A bit of misunderstanding...
« Reply #73 on: March 23, 2010, 05:26:49 AM »
Thought you would like abit of a laugh.................


 
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was  leaving his Mission
 
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
 
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
 

 
 
 So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
 
 says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
 

 
 
 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
 

 
 
 The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
 
 points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
 

 
 
 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
 

 
 
 The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
 
 a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
 
 natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
 

 
 
 The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
 

 
 
 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.
 

 
 
 The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
 
 teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
 
 could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
 

 
 
 The chief replied, 'My bike.'
 

 
 
Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads
 
when riding someone elses bicycle!
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Having a bad day???
« Reply #74 on: March 24, 2010, 01:10:07 AM »
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad
day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ...

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.5 FM in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst
job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know,
my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit..

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I
pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,
the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.. Needless to say, I aborted the
dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told
me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass
was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to
yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. ~
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
« Reply #75 on: March 24, 2010, 03:21:28 AM »

 Alittle girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'






 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'






 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
THE LOVE DRESS
« Reply #76 on: March 25, 2010, 05:02:55 AM »


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
House.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
Naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
Explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
Explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
Me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
Sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline blackwingbear

  • Member
  • Posts: 363
  • Hello, all you happy people....
    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #77 on: March 25, 2010, 07:07:56 PM »
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?""I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Bookstore........
« Reply #78 on: March 26, 2010, 01:02:59 AM »
The man walks into the bookstore and asks the assistant:

"Do you have any books regarding " the man wears the pants in the relationship"

The assistant in return just look at him, over her reading glasses.

"Sir, go and look there by the fucken fairytales if you can find it"
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
A Nun Story
« Reply #79 on: March 26, 2010, 03:07:55 AM »
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

 She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
 
 He replies:
 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
 
 She answers,
 
 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
 
 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
 My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'   
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Love and Marriage
« Reply #80 on: March 26, 2010, 03:59:24 AM »
   
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
 
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

 


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