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Author Topic: FallenAngel's jokes of the day  (Read 9491 times)

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Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« on: January 15, 2010, 02:49:08 AM »
A lawyer boards a plane in Sydney with a box of frozen crabs and asks a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
 

She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, adding in a very haughty manner that he is a lawyer, and then proceeds to rant at her about what will happen if she lets them thaw out.
 

Needless to say, she is annoyed by his behaviour.
 

Shortly before landing in Perth, she uses the intercom to announce to the entire plane: "Will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand. "
Understandably not a single hand goes up... so she takes the crabs home, cooks and eats them.

Two lessons here:
•         Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
•         Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Koala - Priceless
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2010, 02:51:44 AM »
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
 
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
 
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
 
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

 
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
 
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2010, 02:53:18 AM »
Dracula And The Nuns
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. 
She opens the window and shouts:   
"Get the fuck off my windshield!"                 
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Thought for the Day
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2010, 02:54:28 AM »

 
If you feel like doing some work,
sit down and wait.
The  feeling   will go away.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D :o ::)
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
grandad
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2010, 02:55:31 AM »
> A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
> year-old grandson.
>
> It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
> sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
> cereal and pop in the other aisles.
>
> Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
> "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
>
> Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
> William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
> there, boy."
>
> At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
> and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
> don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
>
> Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
> groceries and the boy into the car.
>
> She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
> amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
> your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
> calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
> as his grandpa."
>
> "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . the little
> bastard's name is Steve."
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
St. Peter
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2010, 02:57:14 AM »
The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.  He is at
The Pearly Gates, met by St. Pete r himself.  However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Pete r said, "Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you  I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone.  The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is
Good to be here, St. Pete r, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

 Life was a big enough test
As it was."

St. Pete r continued, "Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


 
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
 
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
 
Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Pete r, who waves him up, and
Says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer.  How about the next one?" asked St. Pete r.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Pete r said, "Twelve?
Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St.
Pete r.  "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too.  Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
 
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Pete r.

"Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all," Forrest replied.  "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Pete r opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: "Run Forrest, run."
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
not spam
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2010, 02:58:56 AM »
I posted a few good jokes to lighten up everyones day as it is a new year and a bit of humour can go a long way today.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2010, 03:00:11 AM »
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

 
       
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Online Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: not spam
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2010, 03:35:23 AM »
I posted a few good jokes to lighten up everyones day as it is a new year and a bit of humour can go a long way today.


And they would have been even less spam-like if you had put them all in one thread. ::)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: not spam
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2010, 04:18:23 AM »
but ma'am it would be to long reading material at once and as it is, if it is longer than one page i'll fall asleep....

Compliments to and all Ann for this beautiful New Year
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,218
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: St. Peter
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2010, 06:33:04 AM »
That ones cute and as a teacher I appreciate the cleverness of alternative thinking.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,218
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2010, 06:33:47 AM »
good one.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2010, 06:47:16 AM »
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"




[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: January 15, 2010, 06:52:39 AM by FallenAngel »
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,218
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2010, 06:52:55 AM »
Ok thats good too.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2010, 06:55:51 AM »
as long as it puts a smile on well why not we need homour to brighten our day.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,218
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2010, 07:34:56 AM »
This one is quite sexist, however.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2010, 07:39:39 AM »
 :D   :D   :D

In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2010, 07:43:22 AM »
Cute!  :D
Perfect way to start the day!
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Online Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2010, 08:19:05 AM »
Um, yeah, some of your other jokes were quite good, but this one is just offensive.  >:(
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2010, 08:36:23 AM »



  LMAO Aint that the truth! 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline leese43

  • Member
  • Posts: 257
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2010, 01:53:01 PM »
I really did LOL. great!
Oct 04 - Neg
Aug 05 - infected
Oct 05 - cd4 780, vl 60k
Apr 08 - cd4 430, vl 243
Jul 08 - cd4 550, vl 896
Nov 08 - cd4 730, vl 1.8k
May 09 - cd4 590, vl 1.5k
Sep 09 - cd4 460 vl 34k
Dec 09 - cd4 470 vl 42k
April 10 - cd4 430 vl 88.5k
July 10 - cd4 330 vl 118k
Aug 10 - started reyataz/truvada/norvir
Aug 10 - cd4 380 vl 4k (12 days after starting meds :))
Sep 10 - cd4 520 vl 1.5k
Oct 10 - cd4 590 vl 44
Jan 11 -cd4 610 vl <40 cd4% 50
May 11 - cd4 780 vl UD

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2010, 06:34:18 PM »
 ;)Bring it on Ronnie...you always make me smile
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2010, 06:37:00 PM »
I always use a lower case "g" in gOD, so not to appear pretentious but on a fine day in San Francisco... We stopped at St. Ignatius Cathedral, I lit a candle and said, "Creature of Fire Blessed Be"  As we were leaving, my date asked if I wanted to talk to a Priest.   ;D  Have the best day
Michael

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2010, 06:40:44 PM »
lol..its easier being a guy...poor me! ;D
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2010, 07:06:52 PM »
Heh heh, so true...  and there are times when you can skip the alcohol to make some of us happy.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #25 on: January 15, 2010, 10:02:06 PM »


   This joke is best left for two guys out in the middle of the Everglades on a bass boat.



    Watch out for alligators
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,198
  • Ninja Please
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #26 on: January 15, 2010, 10:19:08 PM »
Jeeeez Ronnie.  ::)

Some jokes are best left in your email inbox.

Yeesh.

MtD

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2010, 12:04:04 PM »
 :'( :'( :'(

sorry if this one offended many was not my intention but it shows how warped my mind is at times

I apologise for this
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: Doctors Advice for 2010
« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2010, 04:15:22 PM »
:'( :'( :'(

sorry if this one offended many was not my intention but it shows how warped my mind is at times

I apologise for this

I got a racist God, dead baby joke I can't tell anywhere.  If you want it PM me...lol
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline StacheBC

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
  • Hello
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #29 on: January 17, 2010, 01:05:07 PM »
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
  
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

I must be one of those "high maintenance" males, since I need more than that.  ;)
 ;D

Offline StacheBC

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
  • Hello
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #30 on: January 17, 2010, 01:21:31 PM »
A donkey dies just outside the walls of a convent.
Before the city had a chance take away the remains of the donkey, someone in the middle of the night cuts off the donkeys cock and balls and throws it over the convent walls.

The next day a group of nuns are walking about the convent grounds, when they hear Sister Mary who comes running in their direction, as she screams in panic.
The other nuns come to her aid, asking:
"Sister Mary!!... Sister Mary what has happened?"
She replies.. "They've killed Father John!!!"

Offline StacheBC

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
  • Hello
Re: St. Peter
« Reply #31 on: January 17, 2010, 01:39:52 PM »
Since St. Peter is the theme.

Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the group:
"Before I can let you in, each one of you will need to answer a question, you will gain entrance based on your answer".

He asks the first nun:
"Who was the first man God created?"
"Adam. God first created Adam"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines on the pearly gates and it opens with a symphony of angels.

He asks the second nun:
"Who was the first woman God created?"
"Eve. She was the first woman that God created"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines on the pearly gates and it opens with a symphony of angels.

He then turns to the third nun and asks:
"What was the first thing, Eve said to Adam?"
The nun, thought about... thought about it some more and said
"Boy that's a hard one!!"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines....

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: How to make a woman happy...LOL
« Reply #32 on: January 17, 2010, 04:13:54 PM »
yeah, me too. add food to the list, lol. food, alcohol (or da ganja) & sex pretty much sums it up.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,761
Re: St. Peter
« Reply #33 on: January 17, 2010, 04:38:01 PM »
so wrong...but so funny. thanks for the smile.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,761
Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #34 on: January 17, 2010, 04:42:25 PM »
lol, you know you are wrong : ). thanks for the smile.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Angel-Ronnie

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  • Posts: 434
be careful what you tell an old lady.....
« Reply #35 on: January 18, 2010, 07:56:20 AM »
  A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline weasel

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  • Posts: 1,634
Re: be careful what you tell an old lady.....
« Reply #36 on: January 18, 2010, 10:20:44 AM »


                     ROTFLMAO  :o

                         TOO  phunny !

                                                                    Carl   :)
" Live and let Live "

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Re: be careful what you tell an old lady.....
« Reply #37 on: January 18, 2010, 11:55:46 AM »
 :) :) ;D ;D ;D
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline MWCLTonline

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Re: And now a nice quiet Catholic joke...
« Reply #38 on: January 18, 2010, 01:55:42 PM »
 :D ROFLMAO!!!  I know those 2, taught at my grade school!  Thanks for a hearty chuckle to start my day off!

Twitter me: http://twitter.com/SoBankQueenBee
or stop by & visit: http://www.SouthBankHIVe.net/

Michael
"HIV is something you live with every day for the rest of your life. You may never die of It, but you will always die with it..."

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: be careful what you tell an old lady.....
« Reply #39 on: January 18, 2010, 02:18:31 PM »



     No offense~

     A guy would have got it as soon as the doc hit the punch line.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
FIFA World Cup questions
« Reply #40 on: January 19, 2010, 01:25:36 AM »
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.   
 
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So its true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffreys Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we ' ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
 
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Quote of the day ....... LOL
« Reply #41 on: January 19, 2010, 05:17:11 AM »
Making love is the only job in the world which a man or woman cannot include in his or her CV... despite years of experience and a number of references, no matter how powerful....what a pity as most of you would have been CEO'S by now. (he he he he he he !!)
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Stutter in 4th grade
« Reply #42 on: January 19, 2010, 05:23:51 AM »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
 
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
 
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,'
the Rottweiler ate her!
 
The teacher had to leave the room.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Online Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #43 on: January 19, 2010, 08:42:27 AM »
Fallen,

I've merged all your recent joke threads into one thread. When a person keeps starting new, but related, threads, it's considered spamming on internet forums. You're not the first person here to have multiple threads merged - see Red Dragon's "YouTube Links for the Day" thread or John2038's "Research News" thread in the Research forum.

I would appreciate it if you would use this thread from now on for jokes instead of continually starting new threads. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann

edited because I gave Red Dragon's thread the wrong title. ::)
« Last Edit: January 19, 2010, 08:46:26 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Angel-Ronnie

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  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #44 on: January 19, 2010, 11:49:29 PM »
thanks for this Ann well at least we know where to find them and will do. Ann another suggestion if you don't mind why don't we do the joke thread the same as the birthday one we create a thread on a monthly basis instead of a week or a day just a thought though
« Last Edit: January 20, 2010, 12:50:32 AM by FallenAngel »
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #45 on: January 20, 2010, 07:46:10 AM »
To my SMART friends,
 
This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a mistake.
The average person can't do it!   
This is really difficult, not so easy, so be careful.
 
 
1.     This is this cat
2.     This is is cat
3.     This is how cat
4.     This is to cat
5.     This is keep cat
6.     This is a cat
7.     This is fool cat
8.     This is busy cat
9.     This is for cat
10.   This is forty cat
11.   This is seconds cat
 
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #46 on: January 21, 2010, 03:58:37 AM »
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself  spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won, naturally. 
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
TRAIN TICKET Saving money
« Reply #47 on: January 21, 2010, 07:48:32 AM »
 

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football

At the station; the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.   The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,198
  • Ninja Please
Re: TRAIN TICKET Saving money
« Reply #48 on: January 21, 2010, 08:38:22 AM »
I'm still trying to figure out why this isn't in your joke thread.

Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

MtD

Online Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: FallenAngel's jokes of the day
« Reply #49 on: January 21, 2010, 07:53:57 PM »
Angel,

I've merged your latest joke thread into your daily joke thread where I requested you keep all your jokes. PLEASE STOP STARTING NEW JOKE THREADS! If you insist on ignoring this request, you may find yourself with a time out.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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