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Author Topic: I want to die.  (Read 57986 times)

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Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #150 on: October 05, 2010, 04:37:39 PM »
Thanks for the support and well wishes.  It helps having you all here when things get stressing.  

I was watching Project Runway the other night and one of the designers (Mondo) opened up about how he had been living with HIV for 10 years and had not told his parents out of fear of their reaction.  It hit so close to home for me.  Even though I've told my parents about my HIV, the feelings he has are very similar to the feelings I have about telling my siblings.  The courage it must have taken to come out about his HIV on TV has made me think that I might be able to drum up the courage to tell my siblings.  No promises yet, but feeling more like I might get to that point sooner than I thought I would.  I've been thinking a lot about it after seeing the way it seemed to lift so much weight off his shoulders.  

Thanks again to all of you that have left your thoughts here to help me when I feel like things are getting too much for me to handle. :)






Hi Ga , It takes allot of courage to reach out when you need support , you have already shown amazing courage yourself and that's something to be proud of .

You will know when its the right time to have that talk with the rest of your family . Having that talk must be really important to you because its been a major theme in what you have shared with us so far . I cant help but feel from listening to you that when you decide to have that talk it will be another few steps in the right direction towards healing . Good luck buddy and thanks again for the update .  

Online zach

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #151 on: October 18, 2010, 05:40:25 AM »
I've only just read the original post. I hope you are still with us. I hope you are healthy and doing well in life. I don't how common thoughts of suicide are, I know I've thought about it at least once everyday since I was tested positive, even the good days. The bad days, I've cleaned every firearm I own, and wondered which one I'd like to use. This weekend was the first time I've really been around others that have AIDS, talked to people who knew what we're all going through. This weekend I also watched that heart breaking "it gets better" speech. Highs and lows, I think they are probably normal. When I get home from work tonight I plan on reading this thread more. Probably not something I should dwell on, but still.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #152 on: October 27, 2010, 02:49:56 PM »
Hi all.

Thanks for the encouragement jg1962.

Zach I hate that your having some of the same thoughts that I dwell on.  Since being on Celexa the lows seem to be getting farther apart, but they still come. 

Today is one of those days.  Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep.  My mind would not shut down and stayed wrapped around how I'm going to get through the end of the year.  I can't keep up with my bills, I am worried that I'm not going to be able to pay my property tax next month, I worry that I'm about loosing everything, and then there's Christmas coming up.  I have been feeling anxious about having to go through another Christmas like last year.  I have seriously been thinking of not attending Christmas with any of my family. 

Today, I have been fighting to see some reason to continue on, so I have come here to let it out.  Hopefully, it will help just putting it out here.  The good thing is, I only have 1 gun, so I won't have to choose.  I don't know if I would use a gun anyway.  I don't want to leave a mess for someone to have to clean up, but that does not rule out other options that I have thought about. 

When I see an ad for depression on TV and they say that depression hurts, I know what they mean.  I get sick in my stomach, I start to shake, I feel like throwing up, I don't want to be around anyone, I start feeling hate for myself for getting in this situation, I get anxious, I want to hide from everyone and everything.  It all brings me to a point of exhaustion and I want it all to end, by what ever means necessary.  I don't feel joy or happiness often.  I put on an act when I'm in front of others, I smile and laugh, but deep down I'm wishing my life would end.  I don't have a fear of death anymore, it can't come quick enough. 

If there were a "Reset Button" in life, I would have already pressed it.  Not, that I would change everything in my life, but I would make quite a few different choices along the way.  Unfortunately, there is not a "Reset Button", only an "Off Button".           

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #153 on: October 27, 2010, 03:20:50 PM »
Hi Ga ... Its me the old nag again ... I'm sorry you are having another one of those days .

Living with HIV for so long for the most part has left me without fear of death myself . The biggest challenge I had to over come was my fear of living .

I once felt like a burden and wanted to die , at one point my family picked up on this and enlightened me to the fact that if I truly wanted to burden them then by all means go ahead and kill myself .

They told me that if I did that to myself they would spend the rest of they're life grieving everday and wondering what else they could have done to save me and keep me safe .

There is only so much I can say to you but I just want to remind you again I once felt as you do but I don't anymore , things can and most times do get better .

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #154 on: October 27, 2010, 03:34:13 PM »
Thanks jg1962 for the ray of hope.  Your not an old nag. :)   

I don't want to burden my loved ones with grief for the rest of their lives, but I am so tired of feeling beat in every asspect of my life.  I'm tired of fighting the thought that the best part of my life is over and the rest of it will be fighting the urges to end it.

Thanks again.

Offline heartforyou

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #155 on: October 27, 2010, 07:07:54 PM »
Just today my doctor said that  I am, once more, suffering from depression.
Believe me, I don't want to at all. She said, however, that the meds are surely partially to be  blamed.
Of course I know I have had mild to severe depression all my life and I will for the rest of my life.

I had stopped taking prozac 1 /12 half year ago. But she said it is time for me to be put back on.
The fact that I did not mention my suicidal feelings to my therapist  was to her :  Code red . As then,the act may  be  imminent.

So, I do want to send you all the message : depression obviously is more present with us, infected with HIV and taking meds. But, help is available. Just don't forget it and yes, r force yourself to ask for it.

Hermie :(
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #156 on: January 03, 2011, 03:11:06 PM »
Hello and Happy New Year to all.

Sorry I've been out of touch lately, my computer blew up back before Christmas and I had to save up some money to get it repaired.  I was worried about getting thru another Christmas as it was, then to have my computer go out, made my more anxious about getting thru Christmas without being able to come here when my depression kicked into high gear.  I have managed to survive in tact, so I guess that's something to be happy about.  There were a few times I did not know if I was going to be able to endure the holidays, but here I am on the other side of them still kicking.

The holidays were hard enough as it was, but I also ended up filing for bankruptcy.  I go tomorrow for a trustees hearing.  My attorney said it should only be a 5-10 min. questioning session.  Hopefully she is right and it won't be too stressfull.  On top of that I had a bad bout with a cold and I'm still trying to get over it fully.  I still have a persistant cough and today I have had major pain in my lower back.  I have taken some muscle relaxers to try and combat the pain, but they have not helped that much. 

This morning I got a call from the Atripla Assistance Program telling me I needed to re-qualify before the end of the month.  Of course, they want a copy of my 2010 tax return.  I don't know why these programs need re-qualification to be done by Jan. 31st, knowing that most people can't get all their tax information needed to the accountants office until after Jan.31st.  Why can't they make the deadline for re-qualification until after April 15th?  It just seems like common since to me.  It's stressfull enough getting all the info for re-qualifying, but to make a deadline that is impossible to get the info to them in time, is moronic.

Is it just me, or is this ass backwards?

Anyway, Happy New Year to all and may it be a better one than 2010.   

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #157 on: January 27, 2011, 11:33:51 AM »
I don't have a Will at this time and would like to make one.  I don't have the money to pay an attorney, so I was wondering if anybody new a way to make a leagal Will without having to go thru an attorney?  I had thought about making a Video Will on my computer and wanted to know if it would be considered leagal?

I want to make sure that my partner gets whatever assets that my estate has when I'm gone.  I would like to get this done as soon as possible to make sure his intrests are protected and my wishes are carried out as I want them to be, without a big leagal hassle for him.

If anyone knows or has any other suggestions, please respond back.

Thanks.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #158 on: January 27, 2011, 12:23:05 PM »
I don't have a Will at this time and would like to make one.  I don't have the money to pay an attorney, so I was wondering if anybody new a way to make a leagal Will without having to go thru an attorney?  I had thought about making a Video Will on my computer and wanted to know if it would be considered leagal?

I want to make sure that my partner gets whatever assets that my estate has when I'm gone.  I would like to get this done as soon as possible to make sure his intrests are protected and my wishes are carried out as I want them to be, without a big leagal hassle for him.

If anyone knows or has any other suggestions, please respond back.

Thanks.

Hi Ga , hope you are feeling better . If you ask your question in the Insurance , Benefits and HIV forum J.R. Gabbard could answer that question I bet , he is an attorney .


Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #159 on: January 27, 2011, 02:48:48 PM »
Thanks jg.

I will post a thread there.

Offline MarcoPoz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #160 on: January 27, 2011, 02:55:17 PM »
ga,

You've made it a long way since your first post on this thread--and yep--you've had some rough spots.  Hang in there brother, you're doing well.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #161 on: January 27, 2011, 03:05:30 PM »
Thanks Marco,

Things have been up and down lately, but I'm trying to hang in.  The past few days has been rough and I can't shake the feelings like I want to throw up when I think about it all.  I feel lost and don't know how I'm going to get thru till next month and the month after.

I do appreciate the support.

Offline MarcoPoz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #162 on: January 27, 2011, 03:27:30 PM »
ga,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I'm facing the same emotional nausea for a few reasons myself.  All I can offer is:  Don't let it all gang up on you.  It can be truly overwhelming if we let it get out of hand.  Remember that along with all the frustrations, there are several times each day that you might smile--hold on to those.  Do something good for yourself. 

Offline drewm

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #163 on: January 27, 2011, 09:20:41 PM »
Killing yourself would devastate your family more than this stupid disease! I am being treated for depression but have so far not reached that kind of low. Thanks for sharing but know this, there are many, many people who share your diagnoses and share the difficulties you describe, checking out now will only bring incredible grief to those behind who love you and trust me, there are more than you may know.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #164 on: February 18, 2011, 12:39:46 AM »
Hi all,

I went to my ID. today to follow up on my last labs.  Other than my cholesterol being a little high, he was happy with my labs.  (CD-4s are 658, V/L is undetectable.)  He ask if my depression had gotten worse, (I guess I'm losing the ability to hide or disguise it.)  I told him that I have been having ups and downs, along with my bankruptcy, the economy, slow business, bills coming in faster than the money to pay them, that sometimes it seems like "Whats the use?  Its a losing battle."  We did talk about the meds causing, or at least adding to my depression.  He said with how good my numbers have been on Atripla, that he did not want to switch me to something else.  He said he wanted to increase my Celexa to 60mg/day, (I'm currently taking 40mg./day.), to see if a higher dose will help.  So we'll see what happens over the next few weeks.

I was talking with a friend yesterday that I have told about my HIV and depression.  I told him how I had been having mood swings and thoughts of slitting my wrists.  I know that his response was in jest, but he said, "Go down the road, not across the street."   It reminded me of what my mother would tell me and my sister when we were kids and would be mad about something and say "I'm going to kill myself."  My mother's reply would be "Would you like me to get the knife for you?"  I know she meant it in jest also.  She would also tell us that if someone was serious about killing themselves, that they would not threaten to do it, they would just do it.  And someone that threatened to kill themselves was just wanting attention and was not serious about killing themselves.

So it made me wonder, if someone is thinking of killing themselves and asks for help to prevent doing it, does that mean that they are not serious about doing it?  My other question is, what if I am serious about it?   

Offline drewm

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #165 on: February 18, 2011, 12:44:34 AM »
You need to tell your doctor about your suicidal thoughts.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #166 on: February 18, 2011, 01:31:19 AM »
If you are serious about it, you need to tell your doctor/therapist. We can, and on occasion have, garnered resources to stop a supposed suicidal attempt or two. Trust me, not easy nor cheap, and emotionally wrecking for all involved (and on AM, what, we are talking a few hundred folks).

If you feel this way, you should not place your life in the hands of a friend who may or may not take you seriously. TALK to a doctor. Fuck, go to an ER and tell the attendant. They will hold you for 72 hours. They will determine whether medications are needed, or whether your chemistry is being compromised in another way. The ball will be set in motion, in other words, for the talk therapy and real interventions that you need.

If you are posting this here, then you do not want to die. What you seem to want, is change. Yes, sure, death is change. But so is a better life. You might not see another way out. An objective third party might be able to do that. At least give that a chance.

Death, far as I know, is a one way street insofar as this admittedly limited worldview is concerned. Just seems more logical to leave more options open, until you are assured beyond all assurance that they are not. It sucks that you have to hitch up your pants and take the lead in this, when you feel at your weakest and most vulnerable. Sucks donkey kongs. But please do it.

Night when I have gotten so dark, and the multiverse has fucked with my head until I am well assured of my insanity, and the world here has more than reminded me of my irrelevance, I look at my three ferrets, who apparently think of me as something between God and Landlord. Who need me, and love me. I think of my very few friends, their assorted dramas, and the fact that they actually love and respect me. These are not things I "hold onto," as the tired adages go. They are things that I would be a total dick to abandon.

Please, I urge you, exhaust all other options before going down the one-way. People who say "suicide is a selfish act" are right, but they are also assholes. Fuck, masturbation is a selfish act. So is some really good sex. So is eating a red velvet cupcake. So what. We perform selfish act all our lives. And in the end, deciding our fate is the one degree of control we have over it.

But if you have anyone, online or off, who needs/loves/likes/offends/wants you, then you have someone else to consider in the equation.

Consider that, at least. And pursue what options there are. Do what I do some weeks when the future looks black as night. Just do the next thing. Doctors appointment tomorrow. Bank. Fill out a form for taxes. make calls. Whatever. Get the next pressing thing off of your plate, and sometimes that makes the difference between an impossible load and... well, just a fucking shitload.

I do wish you nothing but love, nothing but the best.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #167 on: February 18, 2011, 06:53:55 AM »
Does your doctor know you are not only depressed, but suicidal? You started this thread over a year ago and it would seem to be high time you told him the dire truth of how badly you often feel.

I bet he wouldn't think it was a good idea to keep you on the Sustiva component of Atripla if he knew the truth. Get off that stuff before it kills you. The whole idea of having good numbers is to keep you alive. If you kill yourself, what good are the good numbers?
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #168 on: February 18, 2011, 08:21:47 AM »

...I guess I'm losing the ability to hide or disguise it....

Letting your doctor see the whole story can play in your mind like a loss of control.  From your prior posts you give a strong sense of being the responsible guy, the one who gets things done and manages everything, the man who is keeping chaos under control.  Telling your doctor and opening up enough so he sees just how hard it is getting feels like giving up.

But it isn't. 

Giving your doctor the whole story is a way of getting help to keep things going, to stay in control.


What if you were to print this thread out and ask your doctor to read it and discuss it with you?

5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #169 on: February 18, 2011, 01:55:38 PM »
Thank you all for your thoughts.

Letting your doctor see the whole story can play in your mind like a loss of control.  From your prior posts you give a strong sense of being the responsible guy, the one who gets things done and manages everything, the man who is keeping chaos under control.  Telling your doctor and opening up enough so he sees just how hard it is getting feels like giving up.

But it isn't. 

Giving your doctor the whole story is a way of getting help to keep things going, to stay in control.


What if you were to print this thread out and ask your doctor to read it and discuss it with you?



Yes, I am a little bit of a "control freak".  Even though I'm younger than my partner, I have always been the more responsible one when it comes to finances and I worry about more things than he does.  I wish sometimes that I could "let go" more like he does, but I guess I'm not wired that way.  I bought our first house when I was 18 and I got my first ulcer when I was like 19 or 20.  He's always lived for "today" and I have always planned for "tommorrow".  I don't know how to "live for today and worry about tommorrow when it comes."  I'm the one that has to say NO to things when we can not afford something.  I'm the one that always "saves for a rainy day" and for the past 4yrs. it has been pouring nonstop.  I don't handle showing my weaknesses very well.  I can do it here because there is a level of anonymity, but to sit face to face and tell someone that I'm not in control is something that I have not been able to change.  It started back when my parents got divorced, I was 6, and my dad tool me that I would have to be "the man of the house now".

I had to create this "illusion" of my life when I was a teenager so that I would "fit" into my parent's idea of what and who I was suppoised to be.  My dad is very religious and my stepfather "was going to make me a man, even if it killed him."  So, I created this facade of who I was to appear "normal" to them and I've lived it for so long I don't know how, not to, when I am around them.  I wish now that I had been able to be honest with them when I was younger, but I felt if I was honest with them that they would have had me committed, because being gay was not acceptable for our "family image".  When I was a teenager the show "Soap" debuted on TV and I related to Billy Crystals' role, and one day I mentioned to my mother that our family seemed to have a lot in common with the Tate family, and her first response was "There's no one gay in our family and people like that were perverts and predators and should be locked up."  At that point, I realized that I could not be honest with my family and I needed to create a persona that I was straight.  I lived that lie for close to 20 years and even tho I have come out to my family, when I'm around them I automatically go into "straight mode".  God, how I wish I could have felt like it would have been OK, back then, to have told them the truth.  Maybe I would be a better adjusted person now.  Who knows? 

I get so exhausted trying to keep up these days and it seems like every time I make a step forward, I end up 5 steps back.  There's times I think about getting in my truck and disappearing forever.  I know I'm not the only one having a hard time in our current economy, but if whats left of my life is going to be fighting just to exist, whats the point?  Hell can't be any worse.

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #170 on: February 18, 2011, 03:40:52 PM »
I don't know if I can adequately convey how your post rings true for me. 

Different circumstances, but I could have written the emotional content.  I get the need to be self reliant.  Why I'm the guy who fell and broke his wrist in a crowd of 100's of people and then drove himself to the emergency room with one hand.  Alone.  In an ice storm.   I even made the ER folks put their gloves on before I'd open my coat, in case the fracture had gone through the skin (!). But I was in control the whole time...

So.... you aren't alone here.



The thing is, it seems to me that you have backed yourself into seeing this as a binary choice -- either you maintain absolute control or none; keep doing what you've been doing or give up.  But look again; what you have in front of you is not an on off switch. 

It is a dial. 

You don't have to turn the dial all the way to death, hell, absolute loss of control.  You can turn it 10% of the way by asking the doctor to help YOU keep things under control. 

But to do that you need to find an effective way to let him know that it feels like things are getting out of control -- effective for him, so he understands; and effective for you, so that you don't feel too exposed.   Sharing these posts with him is one method that might work, in part because you can put constraints on what he does with the information in advance , but it will convey to him how serious the issue is to you.  Perhaps though, it may not feel right to you.  Do what feels right. 

But remember, it's not a control switch; it's a dial.

Sincerely
A
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #171 on: February 20, 2011, 12:49:36 PM »

The thing is, it seems to me that you have backed yourself into seeing this as a binary choice -- either you maintain absolute control or none; keep doing what you've been doing or give up.  But look again; what you have in front of you is not an on off switch. 

It is a dial. 

You don't have to turn the dial all the way to death, hell, absolute loss of control.  You can turn it 10% of the way by asking the doctor to help YOU keep things under control. 


I understand what your saying, but it feels like every time I get up from one set back, I get knocked back down by the next one, and the next, and the next.  It does not seem like it will ever stop.  People say "God will not put more on you than you can handle."  OK, I'm at the end of my rope and can't handle anymore, but have things gotten better?  No.  The hurdles keep getting bigger and bigger and I don't have the energy, or the desire to keep fighting.  In poker they say "Know when to fold.",  I'm ready to fold.  I've created a shitty hand with the cards life has dealt me, and I don't have the energy to bluff anymore.  I'm not saying, I got shafted by life, pity me.  I know I created the hand I have to live with now, but why continue betting on a losing hand.  Why not throw the cards in, cash out, and leave the table?  I don't have anymore "Aces" up my sleeve.

I no longer have a life, just an existence.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #172 on: March 15, 2011, 04:33:48 PM »
I want to take this moment to thank everyone that has taken the time to try and help me with my depression.  I can't take it any more, I wish I could.  I hope and pray that no one else has to go through what I have.  I wish I had more strength to fight it, but i don't.  As much as I don't want to hurt the ones that love and care about me, but I don't have any more fight in me.  I'm going to loose everything as it is, so there will be nothing to worry about leaving my partner.  I can only hope and pray that he will be able to find a happier life after I'm gone.  I hope he can find someone that can give him the love that he has given me.  He truly deserves to have someone that can give him what I can't.  Maybe after my estate is settled there will be something left over for him to make a new start.  I hate that I don't have the fight in me to battle everything.

Thanks for helping as much as all of you have, but I have died inside. 

God bless you all.

David.   

Offline Matt39

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #173 on: March 15, 2011, 05:29:39 PM »
Sorry to hear that you are still feeling so bad David.

I've tried to read back on all your posts here as far as I can, and I do see that you have expressed experiencing deep depression as far back as 2007.

But I can't find any posts where you talk about having obtained/been involved in any regular (ie at least once a week) counselling or other kind of psychotherapy.

I can't see how you could possibly move on from the way you have felt for so very long without the kind of help you might get from focussed counselling or therapy.

As useful as Cilexa (Citalopram) is for anxiety and some degree of depression, it certainly cannot solve (and clearly has not solved) what for you seem to be deep rooted ongoing issues.

It sounds from your posts as if you have been fighting on your own, and frankly hardly anyone with deep depression can fight alone.

Maybe you need to try to get help much more directly, and professionally, than just posting here.

Good luck

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #174 on: March 17, 2011, 01:11:03 PM »
"A little bit of a control freak" is like being a little bit pregnant.

I agree with the suggestion that you level with your doctor about what is going on. If you are unwilling to do that for whatever reason, then get yourself to the nearest emergency room and tell them where you are at.

Even though you can't see any happy solution to your current situation and feelings, and as hard as it maybe to imagine, other people may have other means and ways of helping you out. Even though you doubt that it will help, open yourself to the possibility.

Keep us posted.
Andy Velez

Online Theyer

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #175 on: March 20, 2011, 05:08:14 PM »
I hope the intensity off distress has lessen and you have been able to heed Andy,s words. I am sorry life is so differcult
take care
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #176 on: March 25, 2011, 02:14:16 AM »
I hope the intensity off distress has lessen and you have been able to heed Andy,s words. I am sorry life is so differcult
take care
theyer

I had a major meltdown last Friday morning to the point I could not control my emotions or my body for that matter.  All I could to was shake, cry, and went through 2 packs of cigarettes in 2 hrs.  I called my dad before doing anything harmful to myself.  After talking with my Dad for 2 hrs., we decided that I needed to go and talk to see a therapist at the local Behavioral Health Services.  After talking to the therapist, she said I was showing several "Red Flags" and advised me to go into a mental health program for 72 hrs of observation.  I agreed and she arranged for me to get in that evening.  I just got back today and I am feeling much better.  I learned some new coping skills, that I have already started putting into place, and I am going to put others in to place as I soon as I can.  

I know that I have a lot of work to do, and I am now in the right state of mind to work on getting better mentally.  During this past week, I feel like I made a lot of progress, but know I have a lot more work to do.  On my discharge papers, they listed my condition as " Radically Stable".  I took this as them feeling I made a lot of progress.  My Dad wasn't to sure what they meant by "Radical", but I feel they are happy with my improvement.  I decided to embrace the process and did a lot of Group Sessions and feel much better about getting myself back on track.  The crazy thing about it all, I actually met some people that I ended up building a very strong bond with.  We exchanged contact information, even though it was against the rules.  It really surprised me that I made these new friends that I plan to keep in contact with.  Parting with them today was difficult, but I got through it and look forward to seeing them on the outside and giving them the hugs I wanted to when I was leaving, but was not allowed.  

I go to see the therapist, that I met with last Friday, later on today and I will post how things go later this afternoon.  I feel good that she will be able to help me continue to improve.  I let down several walls this past week and plan on working on the other walls that still need to be taken down.  I am even thinking of telling my siblings about my HIV status in the near future, so that I can get that "secret" of my back and behind me.  I'm a little scared, but know I need to do this to help myself to get better mentally.

I want to thank you all for being patient with me, encouraging me to get help and giving me advice over the past few years.  I guess I had to hit rock bottom and have this melt down to get me to seek help.  I am in a much better frame of mind now and feel like, over time, I can continue to get a better grasp on things, mentally, and find myself again.  I know tearing down my walls will take some time, but with the help of the therapist and some hard work, I think I can get there.  I apologize for taking so long getting to this point and putting you all on my emotional rollercoaster.  I thank you for not giving up on me.

"A little bit of a control freak" is like being a little bit pregnant.  

I understand what you mean and will work on letting go of my "Control Freak" habits.

Thanks again,

A happier David.              

Offline phildinftlaudy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #177 on: March 25, 2011, 08:15:01 AM »
Hi David:
Glad you are feeling better.
Continue the therapy - I went for three years straight many years ago - and even though I sometimes had to drag myself there (it was a 30 mile ride each way) - I felt so much better after each appointment.  It was literally the best gift I ever gave myself. 

I almost think that it should be a requirement for everyone to get a bit of therapy in their lifetime (naw, I'm not a control freak or anything like that, now am I?  LOL)

While there may be ups and downs, hopefully, they will level off.  I am a firm believer that meds without therapy just doesn't work - but the right combination of both can work wonders.

Keep on keepin on - and thanks for showing others that therapy and taking care of one's self is possible.

-Phil
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline SteveInToronto

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #178 on: March 25, 2011, 08:31:29 AM »
Thank you for updating us on your great progress. I was very worried about you ever since your lat post, and am glad you are moving forward in a very positive way.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #179 on: March 25, 2011, 09:34:02 AM »
Hi Ga , congratulations on the progress , it truly warms my heart to hear it . 

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #180 on: March 25, 2011, 09:50:50 AM »
Great to read of your progress and how good to know you made some new friendships while there (despite the rules!)

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #181 on: March 25, 2011, 10:39:19 AM »


    Thanks for the update David, keep moving forward.

   
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #182 on: March 25, 2011, 11:21:52 AM »
Quite frankly, I've been worried for some time that one day we would hear sad news about you, so I'm very glad to hear that you took steps to seek help. Having already made some progress makes this even better news that you've given us. Good luck with more progress in the future; and remember, we're always here for you and cheering you on. ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #183 on: March 25, 2011, 12:44:55 PM »
David

I was so happy to see you feeling better and posting here.  Thank you for letting us know how you are feeling.

A
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #184 on: March 27, 2011, 02:05:44 AM »
Thanks for the positive encouragement.

I had my first session Friday and ended up talking for about 4 1/2 hrs.  She also gave me several things to read and a questionare to fill out with information on my thought patterns.  I read all information and filled out the questionare.  I'm going to take it back on the 6th so the therapist that will be taking over can use it as a tool to help me help myself.  I like the therapist that saw me Friday, but she is handing me off to a different therapist.  I'm going to give her a chance, but if I start feeling like she it is not working out I'm going to ask the therapist that I saw Friday if she will take over.  I'll keep my fingers crossed. 

I will keep posting to keep everyone up to date on how things progress from here.  Your support and thoughts are important to me and I thank everyone for taking the time to give me your thoughts.  I'll try to stay positive and keep working on my mental health.  I want to feel alive again.  With your support and going to therapy, I hope to be able to achieve that goal.  I know it will take a lot of hard work on my part, but with a little luck I will get there.

Thanks,

David.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #185 on: March 27, 2011, 02:16:05 AM »
Thanks for the updates David , please keep them coming . I was very worried about you for quite awhile . When I read stories like yours its a reminder what a positive impact these forums can and will continue to have for those of us that rely on them . I want to thank you for being brave and strong enough to keep coming back and sharing with us . 

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #186 on: March 27, 2011, 02:47:01 AM »
Thanks jg,

I don't know if I would have made it to today without the support here.  It hate that it took a melt down to get me to seek help, but I have been known to be stubborn in my life.  I'll try to work on that also.  I have some anxiety about some of the bridges I am going to have to cross, but if it gets the "me" I used to be, it will be worth it.  There are some things in my past that I chose to "blocked out", so as not to have to feel the pain it caused.  I really don't want to have to relive it again. 

For now, I'll take it one step at a time.



 

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #187 on: April 18, 2011, 01:50:44 AM »
When I saw the psychiatrist the other week he added Cymbalta to the Celexa I am already taking.  He said it could take up to 6 weeks to take full effect.  I have been on it for 2 weeks now, but I haven't noticed any change yet.  :-\   I guess I just have to be patient.

I go in for my 2nd. therapy session today, the 1st. was more of an assessment session.  I'm trying to stay optimistic, but I have also been feeling anxious about it.  I don't know why, I just have.  :-\  Hopefully I'll feel better about therapy after I get done with this session.    

    

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #188 on: April 19, 2011, 01:46:33 AM »
I had a noon appointment with my therapist today.  I got there around 11:50 to make sure I was not late.  I signed in and sat down in the waiting area to be called back.  At 12:30 I hear my name called. I went up to the window and the lady said she wanted to make sure I was still there and told me that it would be a few more minutes.  I finally got to see the therapist at 1:50.  We started going over some worksheets she had given me from my last appointment to fill out.  After about 30 minutes, she scheduled my next appointment and sent me out. 

It was my understanding that my session would be an hour long.  I had waited an hour past my original appointment time only to be given a 30 minute session.  How f*cked up is that?  Good thing I wasn't having a "crisis".  In the end I came out with the same amount of insight as I walked in with.  I know its going to take some time to for her and I to work through my problems, but making me wait a hour for a half hour session, so she could get back on schedule, makes me wonder if this is going to turn out like the other times I've tried therapy.  A waste of my time.  What's the f*cking point?   

Offline mecch

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #189 on: April 20, 2011, 08:00:20 AM »
Are you sure this is "therapy" that is available, and not mental health screening and appropriate medication?
The next time you see the therapist, you should ask her point blank what sort of therapy will be offered, what objectives, what timing, length of sessions, how many sessions, etc etc.
You have a right to ask this of the therapist and also the clinic or health service that is offering the "therapy".
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #190 on: April 20, 2011, 11:41:26 PM »
Are you sure this is "therapy" that is available, and not mental health screening and appropriate medication?

I'm beginning to wonder.  The therapist that I saw when I melted down and the therapist I saw after I got out of observation talked to me, not just ask questions and type on her computer.  Hell, as far as I know she could have been checking her e-mail.  When I got out of observation I was supposed to have an appointment with the therapist I saw the day I melted down, but when I went to that appointment, she passed me off to a different therapist.  After having a 3 hr talk, she made me an appointment with the therapist that has seen me the last two times.  I'm beginning to feel like they have passed me from someone that I feel could help me and passed me off to someone that I feel could care less if I get better or not.

To top everything off.  I get a call from the clinic with a message that I had missed my appointment and it "could result in me not getting the Cymbalta and Neurtrontin that they have prescribed me."  I called them back and told them what I went thru Friday and how my session was cut in half.  The lady on the phone checked and saw that I had been in and said that she would note that I did show up and said that the therapist "Must have made a mistake when she reported that I had missed my appointment."



You have a right to ask this of the therapist and also the clinic or health service that is offering the "therapy".

What should I expect, I have no insurance and no money to pay someone that could help me?  I have to settle for a government employee that could care less if I improve or not.  She probably would rather I kill myself, so she would not have the paper work.

This is why they say "LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE !"   >:(

I filed for Food Assistance today.  I could tell the "ladies" at the front desk were thinking "What thiis? This white man thinks we will give him assistance.  Ain't that special?"  I'm anxously awaiting for them to call me to set up an appointment with a Case Worker.  But I really need the assistance.

Thanks for your advice.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #191 on: May 23, 2012, 03:54:07 AM »
It's been over a year since I last posted, or even been on the site.  I got the feeling that I was more of a nuisance to everyone, so I stopped posting.  Over the past year I agreed to admit myself into, what I thought was Mental Help Center to get a grip on the issues I had been dealing with, only to find out when I got there, it was a Drug Rehab Center, so I ended up spending 5 days learning more about drugs than I ever cared to know and did not getting the help I was looking for.  Since then, I have been seeing a therapist every 2 weeks and a Psychiatrist once a month and I feel like I'm still in the same place, mentally, as I was last year.  I opened up myself to my therapist hoping that I could change how I was feeling.

My Psychiatrist has had me on different medication over this time (Paxil, Welbutrin, Celexa, and Cymbalta currently), and they seem to work for the first couple of weeks, but then I fall back into deep depression.  I have been having suisidal thoughts alot lately.  I try to battle these thoughts and nothing seems to work.  Last month my depression got so bad I could not leave my therapist office when my session was over.  I finally got up and left and all I could think about was running my truck head on into a tree or utilty pole as fast as I could.  I can't tell you what stopped me, but I'm still here, for now.

Yesterday started off well, but by noon, I could not stop thinking about ending it all and the different ways of doing it.  Last month I got so depressed that I could not get the energy to get out of bed.  I have also been battleing ensomnia like I am tonight, (actually this morning) because it's 3:00 am. now.  My Psychiatrist put me on Ambian to help me sleep, but here I am at 3:00 am. writing this.  I have an appointment on Thursday to see my Psychiatrist and I discuss it with him.  Last month I talked to him about it and he said I was on the highest doseage recommended.  Everytime I take my medicine, I wonder why I'm taking it at all.  I know if I stop taking my meds, I would get the outcome that is in my head.  I think to myself, why bother taking the meds, everytime I take my meds. 

I am sooooo tired of the place in life in which I am now and would be happy if I did not wake up when I do get to sleep.  I don't know what else to do at this moment.  I have woken up drenched in sweat in bed and had to change the sheets in the middle of the night.  On time the  sheets were so wet, I thought I had a hole in my waterbed. 

It's been over a year now going to therapy, and I still feel like there is nothing worth "living", more like existing, for.  I need something to change, so I could feel like there are happy times ahead and life will be worth living.  I know if I don't get that soon, I won't be able to trust myself, not to end it all.

Sorry if this makes me a nuisence to some.  I just needed to get it out

Thanks in advance  for any oppinions or thoughts about this.   

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #192 on: May 23, 2012, 01:04:58 PM »
Hi Ga , I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling with your depression . I have no idea what resources you have available but if you feel like getting a second opinion or changing therapist there may be no harm in doing so . If you don't like what you find you can always go back to the doctors you are currently seeing . I'm wishing you the best of luck . 

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #193 on: May 24, 2012, 03:45:12 PM »
Hi GA1964, just wanted to chime in and say that I hope you can find an effective way to keep your mental demons in check, and that things start looking up for you.

We're all here for you. Don't ever think you're a nuisance or anything of the sort, because that's simply untrue. 

Take care, hugs.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #194 on: May 24, 2012, 07:15:19 PM »
We're all here for you. Don't ever think you're a nuisance or anything of the sort, because that's simply untrue. 
I totally agree with space! You're not a nuisance. It's just very hard for any of us to actually do much for you via cyberspace and that frustrates us. I wish I could wave a magic wand to fix things for you; but if I could do that, I'd be waving that wand for myself. ;) I, like many others, continue to hope that you can find solutions to some of your problems and be able to fend off the depression that afflicts you.

 :-* and hugs!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

 


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