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Author Topic: I want to die.  (Read 59439 times)

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Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #100 on: April 14, 2010, 12:00:43 AM »
hmmm You should definitely point out that you started with a CD4 of 191...once an AIDS diagnosis always an AIDS diagnosis, but I don't think they can deny you ADAP coverage due to your CD4 count.  Make sure your case worker is aware that should you stop taking your medication you could develop resistance issues.  Also, go ahead and file for medicare/medicaid worst case scenario is they deny you.  She's probably hoping to avoid the paperwork and make her life easier, this however is her job so if you want to file, she has to help you.  Realize that she is serving you and not the other way around.

Offline boomer

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #101 on: April 14, 2010, 07:00:20 PM »
Hi ga,

I just applied for ADAP and in Section I they do ask for lowest AND current or latest CD4 counts but there is no "cut-off" regarding current CD4 count. I believe ADAP is state run (I am in NY) so I don't know if it differs in that respect, if you are in another state. I doubt it.

What is your age? Are you on SSDI (disability)? You qualify for Medicare at age 65 or if you have been on SSDI for two years. Medicaid is based solely on assets and income.

If you would like to PM me I will do whatever I can to help as this is all that I am dealing with now.

Hang in there.

Boomer
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 07:02:06 PM by boomer »

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #102 on: April 19, 2010, 05:32:18 AM »
Here he in CA a  doc can go your numbers when he started treating you (191) not the current treated status it is up to him but that doc it is usually coool about that stuff

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #103 on: April 20, 2010, 05:43:59 PM »
Ga, I would definitely voice to your case manager your concerns.  She's there to help you, period.   If you can explain how you feel, maybe she'll be more helpful. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #104 on: May 14, 2010, 03:19:32 AM »
Ga, I would definitely voice to your case manager your concerns.  She's there to help you, period.   If you can explain how you feel, maybe she'll be more helpful. 

I got more of a feeling she did not want to be bothered with the paper work.  This has been dumped into her lap temporarily until a new person is hired.  I have left several messages for her to call me to set up an appointment to get the packages put together, but she has not returned my calls.

I talked to my ID last week and told him what happened with my insurance and asked if he could accept what I had payed as my co-pay on my insurance for an office visit so I could get my pain RX refilled.  (I've been out of it for over a month and I have been taking left over pain meds I had in my medicine cabinet to get by.)  I ask the nurse at the health dept. where I get my labs done, if she could ask the Dr. that sees me there, if he could write a new RX.  She said he would not do it until he could see me, which would be in July. 

Thank goodness my ID said he would only charge me what my insurance co-pay was, I just needed to bring him in copies of my last set of labs.  I also talked to him about my depression.  He wants to keep me on the Atripla for now and is putting me on a different antidepressant.  He said it would be a trial and error process to find one that will work for me.  So for the next 2 weeks I'll be weening off of the old one and starting up the new one.  I'll have to wait and see how things go.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #105 on: June 02, 2010, 12:25:48 AM »
Hi all,

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for helping me through my dark spell. 

I don't know if its the new antidepressants or looking forward to a visit from my best friend from high school, but things have been looking better.  We are going to Tampa/St. Pete. and Bush Gardens to ride coasters June 12-15.   :o   I haven't been on a decent coaster in sooooooooooooooo long.  :(  Coasters are like therapy for me, and I need this really bad.

We probably won't be able to enjoy the beach  :(,  THANKS BP ! >:(  But we will have a good time no matter what.

Thanks again for being here when I needed everyone. :) 

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #106 on: June 02, 2010, 01:28:16 AM »
Bush Gardens to ride coasters June 12-15.   :o   I haven't been on a decent coaster in sooooooooooooooo long.  :(  Coasters are like therapy for me, and I need this really bad.
well, if you had told us that, I could have fixed things up for you earlier. LOL :D

with my partners gone, I'm looking for a new coaster-mate ;) - especially since I'm a coaster-junkie and only live about 5 minutes from an amusement park now! (Carowinds which sits on the NC/SC border). ;D

In the 25 yrs I lived in Ohio, every summer we either went to Kings Island or Cedar Point. The only 2 years I haven't gone coaster riding was the summer (08) right after my 2nd partner passed away, and last year (09) cause I was moving here. So I'm trying to find somebody to go with me - Soon!

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling better. Depression is a tough thing to battle with. ;)
Anytime you're going through the Carolinas, let me know and we'll hit the coasters! ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #107 on: June 02, 2010, 03:29:42 PM »
Thanks Leatherman,

I've been to Carowinds before.  One year my partner and I went on a Coaster Vacation.  We hit Six Flags Atl., Carowins, King's Dominion in Richmond, VA., and Bush Gardens Williamsburg, VA.. (I highly recommend the last 2.)  32 coasters in 7 days.  Best vacation in my life.  We've also been to Cedar Point.  We went up the first summer that they opened Top Thrill Dragster, Now that's a Thrill Ride.  If you ever get the chance to ride it, don't miss out. Six Flags Jew Jersey has it's Sister Coaster called Kunda Ka.  We went to ride it the first summer in was opened, but they had a lot of trouble with it that first year and it was down while we were there. (Not to mention 3/4 of the other big coasters.)  Their Customer Serviced SUCKED big time.  They charge admission, at least back then, by your height.  I ended up getting thrown out of the park because I asked to speak to the Park Manager about a refund because none of the BIG coasters were running.  When I got home I called the Six Flags Cooperate Office and had to threatened to sue them, before they gave me a refund.  We had been there once before and had a great time, but after the last visit I will not go back. Too bad, because they have some really great coasters.  But no one beats Cedar Point for the greatest Coasters.

Here I've gone on about Coasters, I am a true addict for coasters.  I hope one day we can ride some.  I know how it is to have to ride solo.  My partner won't go on any that turns you upside down, with the exception of Volcano in Richmond and The Hulk in Orlando.  Both 5 star rides.

   

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #108 on: June 02, 2010, 05:24:28 PM »
Here I've gone on about Coasters,
well dude, this is YOUR thread ;) and to honest, though I know all your problems aren't solved, I know that everyone here would much rather talk to you about roller coasters than talking about the end of your life.

Though, obviously NOT the coaster afficando that you are, it's these sort of bright events in life that one needs to remember when all seems so dark. Though I haven't been able to go since Jim's death, after Randy (my first partner) died (also in the month of May), having friends take me to the park later that Summer is definitely a memorable event in my life. Though it didn't reduce the grief of my loss, it helped me to realize that life could go on.

Those same friends helped make sure, even the years when I had been so deadly sick with PCP, wasting and whatnot, that they toted my frail ass to the park and got me on the coasters every summer. I know it sounds sorta lame, but I survived several years by wishing myself to stay alive until I got to the amusement park one more time. (You don't know how my years I spent wandering those parks too, thinking it would be my "last" visit. What a goober I was!! LOL)

For a while there too, I stayed alive waiting to attend my next Nine Inch Nails concert (the only thing more life-affirming than sex is being in the mosh pit at a Nails concert LOL); but they're not touring anymore, so thank goodness I moved so close to an amusement park. LOL

We've also been to Cedar Point.  We went up the first summer that they opened Top Thrill Dragster, Now that's a Thrill Ride.  If you ever get the chance to ride it, don't miss out.
I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.

Hands-down though, unless it's the buggy time of the year on Lake Erie, my fav will always be the front car of the Mantis.

I am a true addict for coasters.  I hope one day we can ride some.  I know how it is to have to ride solo.  My partner won't go on any that turns you upside down, with the exception of Volcano in Richmond and The Hulk in Orlando.
I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.

If I have to ride solo, I will though. Sometimes it's like "tough love" therapy that I have to give myself. It's still very disconcerting to be doing everything alone after so many years with partners. Sometimes I have to take the leap, and just "do" things.

heck, driving alone to Columbia to attend that ADAP rally was one of those events. I had to say to myself, "suck it up, leatherman, and be a big boy. There's no Jim and no Randy, so it's up to you to do it." and I did it and I'm very proud of myself - not just for being part of the rally; but for actually having the courage and just getting there all on my lonesome.

Carowinds has a Facebook $20 off coupon this month, so I hoping to be on a coaster this month too. I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip. And once again, I'm glad you're feeling a little better about things and hope that continues. ;D :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #109 on: June 02, 2010, 07:31:45 PM »
Though, obviously NOT the coaster afficando that you are, it's these sort of bright events in life that one needs to remember when all seems so dark.

I actually had a major fear of coasters until around 30, when my friend that's coming for a visit, got me on my first one at a local park we have here.  They have 3 coasters, but they are "MINI:DME" coasters.  Like and intermediate between Kiddie Coasters and Real Coasters.  I use to go ride them when I needed a pick me up, but have not been able to afford to go.  I'm really going to enjoy riding some big ones.

I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.
 


When we were there they were still having calibration issues.  Actually, it helped me to have the courage to get on it.  We were in line outside the ride in front of the Grand Stand viewing area.  It took them 3 times to get one of the trains over and sitting front row, was a lady that had to be 80, if she was a day old.  Between her and all the kids that were not even teenagers, they gave me the courage to get on it.  I started wishing that it would happen to us.  I can only imagine what it would feel like to fall 400 feet backwards.

I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.

If I have to ride solo, I will though. Sometimes it's like "tough love" therapy that I have to give myself. It's still very disconcerting to be doing everything alone after so many years with partners. Sometimes I have to take the leap, and just "do" things.

If it were not so cold in Ohio, I would move up there.  That would be my idea of heaven.  You would not get me out of the park.  Manits is a great coaster, but I would have to put Millennium Force, front or last car, as my favorite Steel Coaster.

Thanks again for your thoughts and support.  :) 

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #110 on: June 03, 2010, 06:01:14 PM »
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.

Andy Velez

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #111 on: June 03, 2010, 06:02:55 PM »
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.
i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG  :D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #112 on: June 03, 2010, 06:04:23 PM »
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.



Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #113 on: June 03, 2010, 06:05:05 PM »
I love roller coasters and would go on them with him also but I would want him to change the title of this thread first .

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #114 on: June 03, 2010, 06:08:41 PM »
Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.


It could have been worse ... you could have got hit in the head by a goose . There is something funny about people yelling DUCK and the I cant believe its butter man spitting feathers .

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #115 on: June 04, 2010, 05:26:30 PM »
If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.



Andy, your on.  I will be happy to show you the best ones.

RULE #1.  BOTH HANDS have to be IN THE AIR at ALL TIMES. :)  NO HOLDING ON TO THE SAFTY BAR. :o

i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG  :D

I, second the nomination.  ;D

Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.

That was your problem.  You have to relax and RIDE the coaster, not try and CONTROL your body from moving from the G-Forces.  The more you try to KEEP your body from moving, the more FIGHTING you have to do and that leaves you sore and exhausted from the experience.  Not to mention, it ruins the experience. >:(  DON'T hold on to anything and your body will move more FLUIDLY and you will have a   SMOOTHER and more enjoyable ride.  It also add more EXCITEMENT to the ride. :o

I love roller coasters and would go on them with him also but I would want him to change the title of this thread first .

I was in a much different frame of mind when I first started this thread.  I hope and pray that I never return to that place again.  This trip will help me tremendously to keeping that goal.

Thanks to all and I would be happy to ride with anyone that would like to ride. :) 



Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #116 on: June 04, 2010, 06:45:18 PM »
Ga, I'm so, so happy you're going upward.  Keep on!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #117 on: June 04, 2010, 11:45:00 PM »
Ga, I'm so, so happy you're going upward.  Keep on!

I second this motion.

Offline BubbaPat

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #118 on: July 08, 2010, 12:26:24 PM »
Howdy sunshine!!
I don't get on here much anymore but I saw your post and want you to think about something.....

Look at someone like Joan Rivers and check out her bio.  She was on her own show and when it was canceled, her husband and the time committed suicide.  Look at her now.... she has her career and family.  She's doing okay.

I'm sure you can look at a bunch of famous people who have stories like that.  In fact I'm sure we all do at some point in time.  We hit bottom and move up.  I know I'm there now and every day is fight to find a reason to stay on this planet.

I keep telling myself I'm glad I wasn't around during the depression.  I tell myself I'm lucky NOT to have been born Jewish in Germany during the time of Hitler.

Yon can't simply give up.  If you make only ONE person smile, doesn't that make the world a better place?

Come on kiddo, you can make it.  Hope to hear from you soon!!

Big huge monsterous bubba hugs!!!
Bubba hugs!
Patrick

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #119 on: July 12, 2010, 12:21:06 AM »
Hi BubbaPat,

Thanks for the thoughts and hugs.  I have been a fan of Joan Rivers since I was a teen.  She has had her share of bumps in the road, and has come out on top.  I know having money did not help in a lot of areas, but it did keep finances out of the mix during the tough times. 

I have been doing better since switching from Paxil to Celexa.  Also getting away with my friend a couple of weeks ago did wonders.  I went through a small depression when he left, but I got through it well.  We are making plans to get together in December, so that's something I'm looking forward to.

Thanks again for the thoughts and hugs.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #120 on: July 13, 2010, 02:07:17 AM »
I'm in a funk mood tonight.

My Dad came over to help me with some work today and just before leaving he said he wanted to talk.  He asked me how I was doing with my HIV and numbers.  I told him that my numbers were doing well and that my ID. was very happy with my response Meds and he is pleased with the improved numbers.  He also asked if I would allow him to tell my Brothers and Sister about my HIV.  I told him I was not at a place right now that I could deal with them knowing.  I don't know for sure if I'll ever be ready to tell them. 

I thought about telling them the other night.  My Sister was in town with her kids and my Brothers and my Sister-in-Law and their kids all got together for a pool party and cookout.  I got there just before the food was ready so I did not go swimming.  I still have scars on my legs and arms from a skin irritation I got shortly after getting out of the hospital in 2006.  I have not worn shorts in roughly 3 years because of them.  So, I'm sitting in a chair by the pool and they are all in the pool having fun with the kids, my Sister asked if I was going to swim and I gave some excuse not to.  I  never felt more like an outsider looking in on someone Else's family.  After eating, they got back in the pool for a while as I sat watching.  Seeing all the joy they were having together and the thought of telling them went right out the window.  I did not tell my Dad how I felt that night, but it reinforce the feelings I have about not telling them.  Like I told my Dad.  Getting HIV is not my proudest accomplishment in life.

He mentioned that my siblings might be able to help me out with my financial situation, but I'd rather die than to take away from my Nieces and Nephew.  I've already become a financial hardship on my parents.  I won't allow myself to become a financial hardship on my siblings.  They have their lives and families to take care of.  I did this to myself and they should not have to be burden by my mistakes. 

Call it Stuburn Pride or whatever, I'm not going to become a burden to them.  I would rather die and since I can't seem to speed up the process, I will guess I will have to wait for patiently till "Natural Causes" can get the job done.     

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #121 on: July 13, 2010, 05:45:42 PM »
Ga, pardon me, but I can't remember when you tested poz.  I'm guessing it wasn't years ago, since you still seem to have shame regarding having the virus.  Look, it's only a damn virus!  There are lots of viruses, some we get, some we don't.  We happened to get the human immunodeficiency virus.  It's not a judgement, for us nor anyone else to make.  I bet your brothers and sister would be more accepting than you think. 

I also can't remember, do you see a therapist?  If so, you may want to deal with all this shame you have surrounding your situation, so you can get on with living, and get on with letting your family in more. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #122 on: August 02, 2010, 03:39:20 AM »
I feel my time has come.  I can feel my whole world collapsing around me and I have no way to stop it.  Every day I feel like I'm being buried deeper and deeper to the point I can't keep my head above water.  I am so exhausted of fighting a loosing battle.  I've worked hard all my life and been responsible to be able to have a few things in life.  A home, car, business, etc. and now its all about to be taken away.   

I am going to see my banker later this morning and fear that they might start forcloser proceedings soon.  I don't know if I can handle loosing everything I have worked for all my life.  I feel like such a failure.  I can't go on much longer like this.

I was watching "Brooklyn's Finest" earlier.  In the beginning there is a scene where Richard Gere puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and I start thinking "Its that easy, open wide and pull the trigger."  Of course, in the movie the gun is not loaded, but it looked so quick and easy.  One last twitch of a finger and it would all go away.  All the stress, the worrying, the shame I feel, all of it gone. 

I'm tired of feeling mentally exhausted all the time.  I can't stop worrying about loosing everything.  I'm nauseous all the time, I have chest pains (not a heart attack) that brings me to my knees often, I can't think straight any more, I can't concentrate any more and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more.  Everytime I think that things might be improving, something else comes in to knock me back down.  I often wonder what keeps other people going and fighting.  I know I have things better than others and there are others that have it better than I do.  I just don't have the energy to keep fighting.

I was talking with my Dad the other day and he was telling me how he believes "In the power of prayer", he's very religious, but like I told him, prayer is not going to cure what I've got.  I know he wants me to be more religious like him, but yet the bible he follows, says that I am an abomination and my "sins" (lifestyle) is unforgivable and I will burn for eternity in hell.  If that's the case, why should I worry about praying?  Its not going to make a difference in the eyes of his "God".  If there is a God, why would he make it fatal to show your love for someone else, even if it is for someone of the same sex?  What if in the end, you just end up in a box 6 feet under the ground?  Whats the use in exhausting myself any longer?  I'm tired and ready for a permanent rest. 

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #123 on: August 02, 2010, 08:24:58 AM »
Hi Ga ... You were doing so much better a few months ago and I'm sorry to read you are back in a tough place again . You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help . I encourage you to contact your doctor and or therapist and let them know things are hard for you to handle again .

It sounds like you have a loving father despite his religious beliefs . I grew up in the south within the bible belt and had to come to a place within myself where nobody but me could define me or tell me who I am . I found it helpful to consentrate on my mental health and leave the spiritual stuff to ponder at a better time . Please come back and let us know how you are doing and call your doctor today and let them know you are in crisis .

Offline max123

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #124 on: August 02, 2010, 05:05:27 PM »
hi ga,

i agree with jg... contact your medical team asap. maybe your aso can contact your mortgage lender to request a forebearance...in the current housing climate banks are doing all kinds of things these days to avoid foreclosures. please reach out for the help that you need.
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline WillyWump

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #125 on: August 02, 2010, 11:15:19 PM »
I feel my time has come.  

I was watching "Brooklyn's Finest" earlier.  In the beginning there is a scene where Richard Gere puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and I start thinking "Its that easy, open wide and pull the trigger."  Of course, in the movie the gun is not loaded, but it looked so quick and easy.  One last twitch of a finger and it would all go away.  All the stress, the worrying, the shame I feel, all of it gone.  
  

Ga,
This is not good this "suicidal ideation"... you need to contact someone Asap. While it's obvious to us that you need to reach out to your doc immediately, YOU may not realize it. Dont let this go any further, call someone as soon as you read this. Dont let us down buddy.

As far as the house, car, etc... those are just "things" and "things can be re-aquired. Dont feel alone in this respect, there are many, many people who are losing their houses and such. Things are really tough out there right now. I know it's easy for me right now to say this, but  you need to disconnect your self from your house and car...Your house does not define who you are, neither does your car. Your life is so much more valuable than something that can burn down or break. If you lose them so what. It's nothing to be ashamed about. It happened to me a while back, and guess what, after a few years I got another mortgage, and I got another car ( a better one!). For me, it was liberating to shed that debt and get back on my feet.

As far as the Bible. It is a book about Gods love for the world, not about human sexuality. The bible accepts sexual practices that we condoemn, and condemns sexual practices that we accept...example, The Bible states that if a bride is not a virgin that she should be stoned to death. It also states that if a man has intercourse with a woman while she is menstruating they shall both be executed, there are many others...The bible was in part written by people whgo were interpreting Jesus words. It reflected the socail mores of their time. NOWHERE  did JEsus say anything about same sex behavior. no one can find Jesus's views on this because it doesnt exist.. IMHO, God is only concerned about love for your fellow man, irregardless of where you sleep with men or women.

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #126 on: August 19, 2010, 02:31:06 PM »
Thanks Jg, Max, and Will.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back because I have had a lot going on lately.  Thanks to my Dad's help I've got my plumbing issues fixed and I have gotten caught up on my mortgage and car payments, for now at least.  I have a lot of big bills that are coming due starting in Sept., so I'm not sure how long I'll be ahead of my bills at this time.  Hopefully I can stay on top of them till I can get through the end of the year. 

I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

He told me yesterday that one of my brothers was going in Friday morning to have a liver biopsy performed and that he knew I would want to know about his condition as much as he would want to know about my condition.  Yes, I do appreciate them letting me know about this, but to me, it is an intirely different situation.  I know there is a possibility that he could be given a life threatening diagnosis, but I still don't feel like I should have to disclose my health issues just because he disclosed my brother's to me.  My Dad said he did not want to break the news about my HIV till after we find out my brother's outcome, but he did want to tell my siblings after we find out what is going on with my brother.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #127 on: August 19, 2010, 02:52:11 PM »
I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

You can only really do what you're comfortable with.  Honestly if your disease is in check then I don't see the reason to tell anyone unless you need or want the support.

Offline Joe K

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #128 on: August 19, 2010, 03:16:07 PM »
I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

He told me yesterday that one of my brothers was going in Friday morning to have a liver biopsy performed and that he knew I would want to know about his condition as much as he would want to know about my condition.  Yes, I do appreciate them letting me know about this, but to me, it is an intirely different situation.  I know there is a possibility that he could be given a life threatening diagnosis, but I still don't feel like I should have to disclose my health issues just because he disclosed my brother's to me.  My Dad said he did not want to break the news about my HIV till after we find out my brother's outcome, but he did want to tell my siblings after we find out what is going on with my brother.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Hey Ga1964,

I'm so sorry to read your recent events. I suffer from mental health issues and I can appreciate how difficult it can be, to keep your life together and find some balance. However, I am also a parent, so let me share with you, what your father may be feeling. You are his child, his son and his love for you is unconditional, meaning he lives to see you happy and part of his job, is to make sure that happens. Then you tell him you are poz and his world crumbles. His son, has a serious illness and he is powerless to do anything. He so wants to help, because as a real parent, that is what he is supposed to do. But he has no clue on how to help you and that is probably why he wants to tell your siblings.

He is so afraid for you, that he needs help adjusting, because we are not the only ones who must adjust to our status. I cannot tell you what to do, but from what you describe, it seems you have a rather close family. How might you feel, if your father, had a serious illness and chose not to tell you? Please do not underestimate the power of parents, nor your siblings and assuming you are all close, they almost have a right to know, because you are their brother, they love you and just like your father, they will be unsure on how to help.

I can offer one suggestion and that would be to show him this thread, so he could really understand your feelings. To me, you sound like a great family and while I support you waiting until you are really ready, I think you are losing out on the love and support, that you family is most certainly willing to provide. Family is precious and most people are much stronger than you think, however what matters most, is allowing your family to support you in times of great stress. There is strength in numbers, they love you and if you allow them, they will be there for you.

Joe
« Last Edit: August 19, 2010, 03:18:39 PM by killfoile »

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #129 on: August 19, 2010, 03:21:24 PM »
I'm glad to hear that you've gotten some help and are at least treading water for the time being. You know every little bit of help gets you a little closer to a solution. I just think back about how the AZT make me puke so much and how anemic I got; but those extra months of "living" kept me going till better meds came along. Hang in there, worry about what needs to get handled right now, and try not to stress about stuff too far in the future.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.
every one of my friends and family were "mad" at me for not telling them sooner. ::) Every last one of them (including my religious wacko father) thought that my reasonings of not wanting to worry them and worrying what their reaction would be were the dumbest things to ever come out of my mouth. They couldn't understand why I ever believed that they would be anything but supportive and helpful.

Give this some thought though - what are you waiting for?

Do you think waiting till sometime later will make them handle it better (especially knowing it meant you hid it from them)? Do you think waiting and having to deal with that extra stress in your life is going to make you feel better? Hell, if things are so bad right now, can they really get any worse if you tell them? I say tell them soon. Then they'll either be there to help and support you, or their attitude will be just another part of the messed up period of your life that you're going through now. I mean, if they "turn" against you, how would that problem really rate on the meter compared with all those incoming bills or losing your home? Wouldn't it just be a blip? However, if you wait until things in your life are hunky-dory then their attitude could be the only bad issue happening and it would have a lot more weight.

either way you decide, you know people here are keeping you in their thoughts. :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #130 on: August 19, 2010, 06:10:19 PM »
I am also a parent, so let me share with you, what your father may be feeling. You are his child, his son and his love for you is unconditional, meaning he lives to see you happy and part of his job, is to make sure that happens. Then you tell him you are poz and his world crumbles. His son, has a serious illness and he is powerless to do anything. He so wants to help, because as a real parent, that is what he is supposed to do. But he has no clue on how to help you and that is probably why he wants to tell your siblings.

I know my father wants to help me, and I understand he's not sure how, but neither do I.  I do know that the constant pressure he puts on me to tell my siblings is pushing me to the edge.  I'm sure my siblings would not turn on me, but I just can't face telling them right now.  It's been 3 years and I thought I would have become more comfortable about them knowing, but I'm not.  I don't know if I ever will be or not for that matter.

Give this some thought though - what are you waiting for?  you know people here are keeping you in their thoughts.

For my feelings of shame for getting myself in this situation to go away.  I know I probably sound stupid, but its just how I feel.  Being the oldest, I have always been the one that set the example for my younger siblings.  (Some example I've become)  I know that things are different now that we are all older, but I've never been able to let go of that responsibility and now I feel like a complete failure. 

If it was not for the support of the people here, I don't know how I would have made it the past 3 years.  Thank you all.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #131 on: August 19, 2010, 07:54:13 PM »
Hi Ga ... One thing Joe hit on I think bears repeating is about your father  . He may well be in need of support dealing with your status as well and that's a good reason to consider bringing your siblings into the loop . He wants to help but also has needs of his own to deal with .

I had to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt about my HIV status so I can understand your feelings about it . There came a time for me that I realized that what I was actually dealing with was a much needed lession in humility .

Thanks for the update , I have been thinking about you .

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #132 on: August 20, 2010, 12:35:14 AM »
Hi Ga ... One thing Joe hit on I think bears repeating is about your father  . He may well be in need of support dealing with your status as well and that's a good reason to consider bringing your siblings into the loop . He wants to help but also has needs of his own to deal with.

I understand and can agree what your saying, and at the risk of sounding selfish, don't I have the right to choose when and to whom I want to disclosed my health condition to?  I understand he may need support dealing with my status and I have told him about this site along with PFLAG and AMFAR, but I don't understand why telling my siblings should over rule my personal feelings on the matter.

I had to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt about my HIV status so I can understand your feelings about it . There came a time for me that I realized that what I was actually dealing with was a much needed lession in humility.

I know the environment I was raised in has a lot to do with my shame and guilt for having this virus, but I don't understand the need for a "lesson in humility".  I've never bragged, flaunted or thought I was better than my siblings when times were better, just the opposite, I have always been there for all of my family any hour of the day or night.  I would sacrifice my life if it would protect any member of my family from harm.

Please don't take me as being argumentative.  I don't mean to sound that way and I do thank you for your thoughts.   

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #133 on: August 20, 2010, 10:37:56 AM »
Hi Ga , please do not take my comments as criticism . I hear what you are saying and take it very seriously . The last thing I would want to do is hurt a guy who is already feeling down .

When I was going through similar things like you are dealing with it was hard to reach out and except help that I needed . I was the one that useally came through with the help and I was having a major problem asking for the very thing I did willingly and lovingly for others .

I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

Does any of this sound like you ?  . Go back and read what you have shared with us and see .

You actually sound like a lucky man to me , lots of folks would give anything to have such a supportive family .

Offline Denver Toad

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #134 on: August 21, 2010, 01:09:13 PM »
Quote
I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

Very well put. This is a journey many of us have had to make. For me, humility doesn't mean lack of strength, rather being strong enough to ask for and graciously accept help.

Thanks JG
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Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #135 on: August 21, 2010, 05:02:40 PM »
Quote
Hi Ga , please do not take my comments as criticism . I hear what you are saying and take it very seriously . The last thing I would want to do is hurt a guy who is already feeling down .

No JG, I know you only have good intentions.  I misinterpreted what you said a little.  I have to agree with you after the clarification.  I do deprive my siblings the joy of helping me, but it comes from a lifetime of being the oldest and being there for my younger siblings when they are in need.  Also, because it's easier for me to offer help instead of asking for help.  I know that's "Fuck Up", but that is how I am.  Showing I have faults to them is very hard for me.  I grew up setting the example for them that I never let them see the cracks in m life.  I know this is something I need to work on, but old habits die hard.

I know, for the most part, everyone that has replied to this post only have good intentions and want to help me and I am greatly appreciative for all those that have taken time out of their day to read and reply back when it would be easier to just move on to another post.  Thank you all.


Quote
I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

I understand what you mean by learning to be humble now, and I agree it's a lesson that I need to learn and become comfortable with. But like I said above, old habits die hard.  I've always had a hidden side of me to my family, and it's hard to let those walls down. I put them there to protect me earlier in my life and now I don't know how to live without them.  In the past, if they did not agree with my life I did not let it affect me, the walls were there to protect me from letting it hurt me.  It was easier when I did not care what they thought.  Now that I'm closer to them,  I do care.  I don't want them feeling shame for me for getting this disease.  I know it's Fucked Up, so I guess that means I'm Fucked  Up.

Thanks again to everyone that has taken the time to read and leave their thoughts.  It's greatly appreciated.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #136 on: September 13, 2010, 04:43:14 PM »
Tomorrow is my birthday and all I can think about is a tombstone with "09/14/64 - 09/14/2010" on it.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #137 on: September 13, 2010, 05:46:12 PM »
Tomorrow is my birthday and all I can think about is a tombstone with "09/14/64 - 09/14/2010" on it.

Well, if you think about it intensely, and intend it to happen, please call 911 or go to the nearest ER.  We don't want to lose you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #138 on: September 14, 2010, 02:19:29 AM »
It's now the 14th.  46 years ago this morning my life began and over the years life seemed to be full hope for a future filled with love and happiness.  Now, I don't see any of that anymore.  I use to have the energy to fight.   Now, I'm so tired of the fight.   I know my partner and my family love me, more than I deserve.  I don't know why its not enough, but I the constant pain I feel both mentally and physicallly has become more than I can take any more. I don't have the fight in me anymore.       

Now here I am, 46 years later, sitting here in the dark with a drink, a smoke, a cocktail of pills in a bowl, listening to Carrie and Christia to keep me company while everything mixes.  Hopefully this won't take to long to finish.

I want to say thank you to everyone that offered your support to help me.  I wish I could see life through all your eyes.       

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #139 on: September 14, 2010, 02:36:20 AM »
It's now the 14th.  46 years ago this morning my life began and over the years life seemed to be full hope for a future filled with love and happiness.  Now, I don't see any of that anymore.  I use to have the energy to fight.   Now, I'm so tired of the fight.   I know my partner and my family love me, more than I deserve.  I don't know why its not enough, but I the constant pain I feel both mentally and physicallly has become more than I can take any more. I don't have the fight in me anymore.       

Now here I am, 46 years later, sitting here in the dark with a drink, a smoke, a cocktail of pills in a bowl, listening to Carrie and Christia to keep me company while everything mixes.  Hopefully this won't take to long to finish.

I want to say thank you to everyone that offered your support to help me.  I wish I could see life through all your eyes.       

GA,

Like the others, I would implore you to seek medical attention rather than the course of action you seem to be contemplating.

MtD

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #140 on: September 14, 2010, 09:28:55 AM »
Hi GA,

Anyone who is a thinking and feeling person has times when they're just tired of this life and how tough it can be. So whether it's a comfort to you or not, you have lots of company with the way you are feeling.

If you are feeling like you are going to act on your suicidal feelings, then you do need to go to the nearest emergency room and tell them. Now of course you may say, why would I do that if I want to die. Well, do it anyway even if it seems ridiculous and pointless to you.

Be miserable and stick around anyway. I can absolutely guarantee you there are some good times ahead. No, not all good times, but definitely some that you will be glad you have an opportunity to enjoy. Meantime, i urge you to keep things simple, keep breathing and see what comes next.

Keep us posted on how it's going. And just speak your truth.
Andy Velez

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #141 on: September 14, 2010, 01:22:37 PM »
Ok.  I'm still here.  I don't no...too much booze, not enough pills?  It all equalled out to waking up with the worst f*ing headache and a mess to clean up.  Just my f*ing luck.

Offline Ann

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #142 on: September 14, 2010, 01:32:08 PM »
Well thank goodness you're still here, GA! I've been worrying about you all day long. Please don't do it again!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #143 on: September 14, 2010, 02:22:35 PM »
Hi Ga . I'm so glad for the update that you are still with us . I was devastated when I read your post . Please keep coming back .... and I am begging you to reach out for any help you can find to cope .

I have dealt with the kind of depression you describe and almost took my life to escape the pain I thought could never end . I'm better today because someone was there to help see me through to a better day . You are loved and I will not ever give up hoping you are here tomorrow  .

Offline heartforyou

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #144 on: September 26, 2010, 01:38:07 PM »
Another life saved.... adds to mine...
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #145 on: September 28, 2010, 11:58:23 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement.  I've been feeling better lately. 

I went for new blood work today and got my results from my set of labs.  My CD-4's dropped from 658 to 614.  The N.P. said that it was normal for the numbers to fluctuate some so I'm not stressing about that.  My VL. was still undetectable.  I also got my flu shot while I was there.

Thanks again for being here when I go thru a bad spell. 

Online Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #146 on: September 29, 2010, 02:56:42 AM »
Its good to hear from you Ga . Im glad you are feeling better !

Offline heartforyou

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #147 on: September 29, 2010, 10:50:52 AM »
GA

Important to know that numbers fluctuate... mine  have gone from 450 to 950 (lowest ever was 7!!!) and everything in between. The usually fluctuate like 50 to80 cells up or down every bloodtest taken.

Good to hear you are picking up your life.
Remember. You don't see or hear us.. but there is many like you out here. I suffer from depression regularely  .. so I know what you talk about.

Keep it up.

xx Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #148 on: October 01, 2010, 04:17:51 PM »
Ga, I'm so glad you're feeling better.  I know I haven't contributed regularly to this thread, but I always read it, and keep up with it. 

Like Hermie said, some of us here struggle with depression, including yours truly.  I went through years of therapy, and am now on meds specific for depression.  I have a couple friends who I share everything with, which helps with stress, and feeling melancholy. 

I hope you just keep feeling better and better!
 L-Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #149 on: October 05, 2010, 02:44:47 PM »
Thanks for the support and well wishes.  It helps having you all here when things get stressing. 

I was watching Project Runway the other night and one of the designers (Mondo) opened up about how he had been living with HIV for 10 years and had not told his parents out of fear of their reaction.  It hit so close to home for me.  Even though I've told my parents about my HIV, the feelings he has are very similar to the feelings I have about telling my siblings.  The courage it must have taken to come out about his HIV on TV has made me think that I might be able to drum up the courage to tell my siblings.  No promises yet, but feeling more like I might get to that point sooner than I thought I would.  I've been thinking a lot about it after seeing the way it seemed to lift so much weight off his shoulders. 

Thanks again to all of you that have left your thoughts here to help me when I feel like things are getting too much for me to handle. :)

 


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